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Democracy at Home and Being Thankful

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You may read this after our national election on Tuesday, November 3 may be over. Although notions of “government” are often abstract ideas for young children to understand, they understand little fragments of how democracy gets enacted in the household. Think about times when you vote on a choice–that is teaching about democracy. Do you, as a parent, ever veto a choice that has been made? That is government.  Do your kids ever try to lobby you to spend money on certain things or activities? That is democracy. These are the small ways that parents shape kids’ understanding of democracy and government.

I like the hope and optimism that comes with elections and the affirmation of re-electing officials doing a good job. I try to bring my daughter to the voting station to see how voting takes place. At home, we often talk about issues, and my seven-year-old claims she has an opinion on the president. This year, we walked to the library’s voting box to drop off ballots and shared how important it is to vote.

My daughter is still a bit vague between city, county, state, and the federal government.  She knows the town we live in and that the city has a mayor, who I have relayed it is kind of like the town’s principal.  A few times, she has identified something that is “wrong,” like a broken swing and wants to tell the mayor that he needs to fix it. Her advocacy skills are just beginning. She also got to learn about the City Council when I spoke via Zoom to support a council member’s appointment.  As a dad, these “life lessons” help kids understand how the world works and understand their place in it. I want my daughter to know that, in our democracy, people have a voice and that people work to make change.

This month also brings Veteran’s Day, which is another opportunity to teach kids how service members sacrifice their time and physical well-being to protect our country. Our community is blessed to have a large number of retired and active service members and their families whom kids can thank directly for their service.  Our daughter has friends whose parents were in the military, which helps her understand more of what the military does. On Veteran’s Day, we make sure that our daughter has a chance to talk to her grandfather, who is a veteran, to thank him for his service and to ask him questions about his time in the Navy. He served on a submarine, which I think my daughter thinks is like a mobile aquarium where colorful fish and mermaids swim by.  Nonetheless, his stories are passed on to her.

Lastly, this month also includes Thanksgiving.  Like everything else, things are different this year, including the thankfulness.  All this time at home has made me particularly thankful.  I have my immediate family, health, job, money to pay bills, a safe place to live, etc. Thank you also to my daughter’s teacher and school (and all the educators out there) who have persevered in providing meaningful education with limited resources and little preparation.  These days, I am particularly thankful for the beaches, parks, and open spaces that we can access, given how much time we now spend indoors.  Thank you to the community of people who help raise my daughter.  In addition to my wife, we are fortunate to have kind neighbors, delivery people, gardeners, public works employees, librarians, and random strangers willing to entertain the queries of a curious seven-year-old from a safe social distance. The list of thankfulness could go on.  Developmentally, kids cannot recognize how much other people do for them.  As parents, it is our job to remind them and acknowledge other people’s contributions.

For dads, this is the time to have conversations about being thankful, what that means, and how to show gratitude.  Our elected officials donate their time and efforts on our behalf to make our community and government better.  Those people in the military also provide an often unseen service in keeping our country safe. It may be acknowledging all the efforts Mom, Dad, siblings, and others do to keep things functioning in the home. Research indicates that when children show gratitude, they are more likely to demonstrate kindness.  So, as a dad, I am trying to cultivate that sense of gratitude so that kids will act more kindly in the world.  Nowadays, I think the world could use more kindness.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Adulting 101: Get your finances in order!

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Adulting, according to the dictionary is to “behave in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially by accomplishing mundane but necessary tasks.” It’s a word made popular by Millenials and means handling daily tasks like cooking your meals, maintaining the car, and managing your own money. Most people take on these tasks as a normal course of moving from adolescence to adulthood, and yes, parenthood accelerates having to address these necessary tasks. Even though I’m well into adulthood, one task of adulting remained unaddressed for me: making a will.

Some of you may think that making a will is somehow morbid – thinking about what will happen when you die or an advanced directive of what wishes you have if you become medically incapacitated. It isn’t. Making these plans is not only an adult thing to do, but it is also an aspect of caring for your children that can avoid a lot of turmoil when stress is high. As a dad, I currently am the primary earner and have our benefits through my work, which means my death would have a significant impact on how my wife and daughter could afford to stay in the area.

My wife and I didn’t jump on our planning right away upon having a child (we should have). At a Mommy & Me class my wife attended, they had an estate lawyer talk to the parents about estate planning, wills, advanced directives, etc., targeted towards young children’s parents. My wife came home a bit freaked about the necessity of these plans and documents. We both dragged our feet, and nearly six years later, got motivated to finish the initial estate plan just before COVID-19. I say initial because you are supposed to re-visit the plan every five years or so and if there are any significant life changes.

The process we underwent was thorough. We went through every account, credit card, retirement benefit, and social security statement. We made sure that each one had the other listed as a beneficiary and our daughter, as a secondary beneficiary, if allowed. This process allowed us the peace of mind that if something happens to the other, the remaining person could access the money and benefits as needed. We also had conversations with the relatives who would care for our daughter if something happened to both of us. We even had a good discussion of what happens with our stuff if something happens to all three of us (and made arrangements for the dog). We also had a conversation with our daughter to let her know who would care for her in the remote, far away possibility of something happening to both of us.

Given the current pandemic, my wife and I talked about how our estate planning was a relief. We had seen friends on social media have loved one get ill or lose a spouse or parent. Neither of us is in high-risk groups and are non-essential workers, so we don’t have immediate concerns about falling ill (but always wear our masks and social distance in public). Nonetheless, the randomness of the coronavirus worries me.

According to a 2020 Caring.com/ YouGov study of 2,500 35 to 54-year-olds, only 27.2% have a will. Also, for those earning $40,000 to $80,000 and lower, there is an even smaller chance of having estate planning documents. Some people may think that because they don’t have a house or earn a lot of money that they don’t need these documents in place. However, with dramatic changes in income or health, these documents can be vital in keeping the household running and reducing the impact on the children.

With more people staying home due to the coronavirus, it is the perfect time to audit bank accounts, retirement accounts, titles on cars, and any other assets to ensure the beneficiaries are correctly noted. You can even find an Advanced Directive form online that can help document your wishes, at a minimum. I’m pretty confident that estate lawyers are willing to meet remotely.

As a dad, I want to ensure I’ve taken care of my family. To properly take care of them, it means that if something happens, I want to provide the means to support their lives going on without me. So, if you’re going to continue “adulting,” now is the time to have the conversations, make the decisions, and do those tasks to ensure providing for your family, just in case.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Father’s Day: Stay open to new adventure

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Amid the changes in our current lives, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling bad for our children’s missed opportunities. But, children are far more present-oriented than we think. Yes, the older ones may long deeply for the life they had, but generally, kids roll with the life they have right now. The current situation forces parents to be more creative, more flexible, and turn into the reality of the life we are all facing. There was one day recently when my daughter and I spent the morning with a jump rope at the park, got takeout for lunch, and later found the paletas guy in our neighborhood. Amid the sticky drips of lime popsicle juice, my daughter proclaimed, “This is the best day ever!” I thought to myself, in the middle of the pandemic, where you can’t do your typical activities and can’t play with your friends, you have the best day ever. I’ll take it as a win and appreciate how kids look at the world with the bold optimism that fun and excitement lurks around every corner.

August is a busy time in our family. As the summer comes to an end, work ramps up, school begins, and my daughter’s birthday is at the end of the month. This year, everything is different. Summer has not included summer camps, travel adventures, and the county fair as it has in the past. The rituals of summer have changed. We have had to create new rituals to signal the changing of activities and preparation for what comes next. Dad and Mom will now be continuing to work from home, making more demands for quiet and spending more time videoconferencing. As of this writing, my daughter’s school structure is still uncertain. We have laid the groundwork for the possibilities of how the school might be conducted – all students present, few days on and the rest through distance education, all distance education, half her class, maybe all wearing masks. We don’t know. However, we remind her school will continue, she will have chances to learn new things, and she will reconnect with her teacher and friends in new ways.

Although this summer was different than previous ones, I remind her of the skills and activities she learned:

  • Making scrambled eggs on her own at the stove

  • Growing crystals out of a variety of substances

  • Learning how to draw the characters from Mo Willems’ books with his online instruction

  • Riding her bike without training wheels

  • Learning about puppetry through online camp

  • When I can, I acknowledge how things are different from before and are also more relaxed, adventurous, and exploratory than in the past.



Alternate birthday celebrations are now regular conversations. So far, she has participated in a drive-by birthday, a birthday online where the food and dessert were delivered to our home as if we were there to celebrate, and an online party of games where each person made the same cake to celebrate. We are beginning the process of negotiating what she might like to do to celebrate that aligns with Shelter in Place. We’ve also discussed celebrating her seven-and-a-half birthday with a party. Negotiations are ongoing and creative (Anyone have a flying unicorn to visit?). The birthday party may be different, but the celebration will still happen.

As a dad, I want to maintain my kid’s sense of optimism. So much about the future is unknown right now that it can be easy to fall prey to emphasizing what is lost and not what has been found. Research supports that staying optimistic increases mental and physical health. A couple of ways to help build optimism in kids is to help them realize what they are thankful for and eliminate negative self-talk. It is a good idea to remind kids what they have like toys, treats, people who care about them, a pretty place to live, etc. When kids start complaining, you can help them turn this attitude around. To find something new to do, I proposed exploring a different access point to the beach, emphasizing the adventure of huge dunes. My daughter protested, declaring with all the whine she could muster, “It will be boring.” I kept insisting it would be an adventure and something new, displaying as much enthusiasm as I could to turn her attitude around. Once we arrived, hoping to shift her mood, I challenged to get up the enormous dune first. She relished the competition and was quite excited to beat her winded father to the top. Her joy was evident as she ran and slid up and down the dunes and said she wanted to bring Mommy back next time.

My current challenge is to maintain my optimism believing that even in the midst of difficult circumstances, being open to new adventures is both a gift and a lesson for my daughter.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.

Racial Bias: Starting the Conversation With Our Kids

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I hate explaining to children how the world is unfair.  Children, in their limited abilities for perspective-taking, believe that their experience is what everyone else experiences and so they see things as being the same for everyone.  Recent events have forced me to describe how people are treated differently because of their skin color.  Up to this point, my wife and I have been fortunate that our daughter has not made racial or ethnic distinctions in her interactions with others.  At one point, her one distinction among her racially diverse friends was between kids with straight hair and those with curly hair (she fell into the latter until her hair grew long).  However, I know that not having to address racial and ethnic differences is a privilege.  We don’t have to start giving her the warnings of how to act, the cautionary tales of how to speak, and the coaching that parents of children of color have to do for their safety.  At the same time, my wife and I are trying to build skills in an already outspoken kid to become an advocate for those mistreated or don’t feel they can speak up.  For a six-year-old girl, this means reminding her to be an “includer” with friends and to tell an adult when she sees someone being treated poorly or unfairly.  We’re also trying to stamp out any traces of becoming a “mean girl” as they pop up, helping her figure out the complexities of relationships fairly.  As parents, we take her to all kinds of cultural events, cuisine, and activities–but I know this is not enough.

Social media and the professional circles I am in are fraught with advice on how to talk to children about race and ethnicity.  Many parents have wondered how young to talk about race.  Research has found that children can start showing racial bias as young as four and that the best thing to do is to be open to discussing race.  When questions arise, they should be addressed directly, noting the biases and inequities that have continued.  I also think that children benefit from understanding what they can do to help a situation.  If, as parents, we just say that is the way things are, then children will believe that bias, discrimination, and inequity are part of life and should be accepted.  In any discussion of race, it will help kids tell them what they can do to address these situations.  This action might mean going to protests, learning about diverse cultures, and practicing inclusive skills.

The media coverage of George Perry Floyd has often neglected to mention that he was a father of three children–two grown children and a six-year-old child.  A father was killed.  As a father, he had a role in children’s lives, and now, these children are deprived of their father and face overwhelming attention about his tragic death.  For the children, his life with them was central, and that presence may be shrouded by what happened to him.  At the same time, the stepson of Officer Derek Chauvin is being affected by a father figure who participated in a highly publicized criminal matter.  While grappling with the bigger implications of the tragic evidence of systemic racism, I think about the emotional tolls for all involved families.  We may not know the impacts of these lost fathers.

Our area has a veil of diversity, and many people may not be aware (or choose not to be aware) of the discrimination that does occur.  One local father wrote about his anxiety and preparation in wearing a mask in public as a man of color.  As someone who is White, I never think that anyone in public will think I am doing something wrong by wearing a mask.  I never think that going out in a mask may result in me being arrested or killed.  This ability to not concern myself with how others see my behavior when I am wearing a mask is a privilege point.  Marc Quarles, an African American dad in Pacific Grove, was featured in a story in 2014 on NPR for his six-word story: “With kids, I’m Dad; Alone, thug.”  Quarles accurately captures how fatherhood humanizes the image of individuals as well as the everyday discriminatory experience of people of color.

As fathers, it is our job now to work with others to bring these issues to public attention as well as educate our children on how to behave better and how to bring about change. The future can change the inequities of the past and present.  During the protests, a multiracial friend of mine who has a son the same age as my daughter posted his picture on social media, pointing out that he too might become a victim in the future just because of the way he looked.  No parent should have to think such thoughts.  Together, we can make a better future.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.

Fathering in Times of Uncertainty

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I know I should have some positive, upbeat way to describe the last few weeks of dealing with COVID-19, social distancing, and shelter in place, but I don’t. It has sucked.

The hardest part, I think, has been the lingering and building anxiety. For a dad, these feelings of anxiety may be unusual. Men typically don’t experience as much anxiety as do women. When men do experience anxiety, they alleviate their anxious feelings through physical activities such as exercise, for which opportunities are now limited. Also, men often derive their friendships through work relationships, which are now remote or distanced. So, these feelings of anxiety are especially disconcerting.

As restrictions and social distancing accelerated, shopping left me in an anxious state. There is so much planning for what used to be a casual, relaxed, family activity. Now, my wife and I strategize as to what time to go, if the supply of necessary items at home is low enough to venture out, and who will go in. If she is the emissary, then I start thinking about how I would cope with her getting ill and how my six-year-old daughter might respond. If I go in, I become hyper-aware of how physically close people are and try to be as efficient as possible to get in and out in the least amount of time, touching as few surfaces as possible. I take a few deep breaths and calm myself down as I exit. I don’t think my experience is unusual these days.

At the same time, as dads, we have to put on a brave face and, as Governor Newsom has said, meet the moment. This means we have to forge ahead and do what needs to get done to keep our families functioning.

I am fortunate that my work responsibilities have shifted online. I don’t have to go out and put myself and my family at risk of becoming ill by entering a workplace. However, like many now work-from-home parents, I have to seek out a quiet place to attend to as many tasks as possible and have had to step out of online meetings because my child was whining to get my attention. The pressure of attending to work responsibilities and child care demands in a confined space and at the same time is a real challenge. But, I’m trying to let those lesser work tasks slide and keep the pace of schoolwork flowing so that my daughter’s brain doesn’t become mush. And I try to give my wife some uninterrupted time to do her work too. Every day, I remind myself that it won’t stay like this, and we, as a family, will persevere.

It is hard to understand what it is like for an essential worker father who has to leave his family to go to his job. Those employees allow the rest of us to get groceries, pick up medication, get food, or get packages delivered. For that dad, I imagine it takes real effort to push down the anxiety of getting exposed to the virus and bringing it back to the family. To those fathers, there aren’t enough thank yous. I also advise those dads to talk about what it is like to have to do that for your family. Sharing what you’re feeling in leaving and going to work may lessen the anxiety and pressure you may feel.

The fathers who are now feeling anxiety over household finances because of the loss of a job or income deserve our compassion. I think dads, by nature, are doers, getting things done to provide for the family. So, not having a job, not being able to work, and not being able to hustle to find a new job to fill the gaps strikes at the heart of being a dad. I hope those who are in this situation are seeking all the resources available to make it through this situation. This anxiety over the financial future can leak over into the interactions in the family. It is crucial to keep up the optimism that things will get better to ensure that these adult concerns don’t get absorbed by children and adolescents who have fewer abilities to address them.

The hardest part for me is not knowing what is going to happen. I find myself thinking a lot about the serenity prayer that is often used at 12-step meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” We have to accept that the precautions we are taking now will keep our families and our communities healthy to thrive in the future. We also have to accept that it will continue for a while, but we do have the power to make shelter in place and social distancing less difficult for the children.

As dads, we can do what we need to protect and provide for our families, including acknowledging our anxieties and caring for our loved ones.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 6-year-old daughter and reside in Marina. Rob’s writing was recently recognized with the 2020 Gold Award from the Parenting Media Association.

Mindfulness and Fathering

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Sometimes, dads of older children, teens, or adults comment to me that I should enjoy parenthood when children are little because childhood goes by so fast.  This comment is usually shared when I’m in the middle of reprimanding my child or reminding her of expected behavior.  I always think this is a strange comment that makes me think that I am not displaying sufficient “joy” in interacting with my kid at that moment.  There are activities in which I relish the time we spend together–playing at the park when she is laughing uncontrollably when she wants to share some discovery or even wrestling on the couch.  But, then there are the times that feel like I’ve been sucked into a time vortex of a never-ending loop of saying “brush your teeth” over and over again.  I know mindfulness is all the rage–where you are supposed to become aware of your actions and gently accept your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations.  Mindfulness is about being conscious of your reactions, accepting them, and not becoming overwhelmed by them.  When I’m in one of these time vortices, it is hard to step back, feel the joy of being together, and not yell, “Just brush your teeth and go to bed.”

At the same time, there are times when I am particularly “mindful” in my interactions.  I know I have to display emotions and say certain things to mold my kid into the decent person I want to see in the world.  I mindfully have to become an excellent actor in communicating urgency and consequences to a child acting like a sloth getting ready for school.  The reality is that there are few consequences to arriving a few minutes late.  However, I know that she does better when she gets a few minutes on the playground, is able to chit chat with others before entering the classroom, and learns the value of punctuality.  So, my wife and I become the sloth wranglers getting our daughter clothed, fed, and groomed for her benefit.  There are other times when I have to suppress my laughter at something she is saying or doing that are inappropriate for the time or place.  Announcing that she heard and smelled someone’s fart at Target, commenting on the various food products and bodily substances potentially staining her new shirt, and her “big girl” dancing that looks like she is ejecting a spider from her pants push the limits of me keeping a straight face and being a mindful dad.  Internally, I’m laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

The truth is that kids are naturally mindful, existing in the moment and supremely aware of what is happening in their thoughts and feelings.  Now, they may not have the depth of understanding as an adult or self-control, but when a kid is sad, mad, happy, silly, excited, etc. they know and show.  They display the excitement of being in the moment of finding a particular bug or finding a shell on the beach.  In that moment, I believe they recognize the specialness of their find that most adults cast off as ordinary.  Often, parents voice words of excitement or reinforcement of the uniqueness of the find, helping them experience being mindful in a brief interaction.  Validating that feeling of specialness supports the child’s growing sense of wonder.

Zero to Three, an advocacy and policy institute for children ages zero to three and their families, suggests five ways to be mindful as a parent:

  1. Listen to your child with your full attention.

  2. Accept your child (and yourself) without judgment.

  3. Imagine your child’s feelings and match your response.

  4. Manage your own feelings and reactions.

  5. Show compassion for yourself and your child.


I’d like to think I have that much self-control and self-awareness that I engage in these practices with regularity.  But, I don’t.  As dads, there are multiple pressures and demands on us that often pull us away from really being there in the moment with our kids.  Think of how often being tired, checking your phone, catching up with your romantic partner, getting food on the table, cleaning up a mess, and fixing stuff hijacks your attention and effort.  There are few opportunities to sit back, take a deep breath, and reflect on the strange, complicated, messy, experience of being a father.  If you want to be more effective, more attuned to your kids, less reactive, take the time to be a mindful dad.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.

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