Amid the changes in our current lives, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling bad for our children’s missed opportunities. But, children are far more present-oriented than we think. Yes, the older ones may long deeply for the life they had, but generally, kids roll with the life they have right now. The current situation forces parents to be more creative, more flexible, and turn into the reality of the life we are all facing. There was one day recently when my daughter and I spent the morning with a jump rope at the park, got takeout for lunch, and later found the paletas guy in our neighborhood. Amid the sticky drips of lime popsicle juice, my daughter proclaimed, “This is the best day ever!” I thought to myself, in the middle of the pandemic, where you can’t do your typical activities and can’t play with your friends, you have the best day ever. I’ll take it as a win and appreciate how kids look at the world with the bold optimism that fun and excitement lurks around every corner.
August is a busy time in our family. As the summer comes to an end, work ramps up, school begins, and my daughter’s birthday is at the end of the month. This year, everything is different. Summer has not included summer camps, travel adventures, and the county fair as it has in the past. The rituals of summer have changed. We have had to create new rituals to signal the changing of activities and preparation for what comes next. Dad and Mom will now be continuing to work from home, making more demands for quiet and spending more time videoconferencing. As of this writing, my daughter’s school structure is still uncertain. We have laid the groundwork for the possibilities of how the school might be conducted – all students present, few days on and the rest through distance education, all distance education, half her class, maybe all wearing masks. We don’t know. However, we remind her school will continue, she will have chances to learn new things, and she will reconnect with her teacher and friends in new ways.
Although this summer was different than previous ones, I remind her of the skills and activities she learned:
- Making scrambled eggs on her own at the stove
- Growing crystals out of a variety of substances
- Learning how to draw the characters from Mo Willems’ books with his online instruction
- Riding her bike without training wheels
- Learning about puppetry through online camp
- When I can, I acknowledge how things are different from before and are also more relaxed, adventurous, and exploratory than in the past.
Alternate birthday celebrations are now regular conversations. So far, she has participated in a drive-by birthday, a birthday online where the food and dessert were delivered to our home as if we were there to celebrate, and an online party of games where each person made the same cake to celebrate. We are beginning the process of negotiating what she might like to do to celebrate that aligns with Shelter in Place. We’ve also discussed celebrating her seven-and-a-half birthday with a party. Negotiations are ongoing and creative (Anyone have a flying unicorn to visit?). The birthday party may be different, but the celebration will still happen.
As a dad, I want to maintain my kid’s sense of optimism. So much about the future is unknown right now that it can be easy to fall prey to emphasizing what is lost and not what has been found. Research supports that staying optimistic increases mental and physical health. A couple of ways to help build optimism in kids is to help them realize what they are thankful for and eliminate negative self-talk. It is a good idea to remind kids what they have like toys, treats, people who care about them, a pretty place to live, etc. When kids start complaining, you can help them turn this attitude around. To find something new to do, I proposed exploring a different access point to the beach, emphasizing the adventure of huge dunes. My daughter protested, declaring with all the whine she could muster, “It will be boring.” I kept insisting it would be an adventure and something new, displaying as much enthusiasm as I could to turn her attitude around. Once we arrived, hoping to shift her mood, I challenged to get up the enormous dune first. She relished the competition and was quite excited to beat her winded father to the top. Her joy was evident as she ran and slid up and down the dunes and said she wanted to bring Mommy back next time.
My current challenge is to maintain my optimism believing that even in the midst of difficult circumstances, being open to new adventures is both a gift and a lesson for my daughter.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.
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