The COVID-19 pandemic revealed system flaws in health, economics, race, and even gender, particularly as it relates to motherhood. Headlines since February have dominated the topic. The New York Times devoted an entire series called “The Primal Scream” to “America’s mothers in crisis,” featuring audio from real moms who called a hotline where, for up to one full minute, they could vent or just scream.
Homeschooling and quarantine intensified motherhood, compounded by work demands, health fears, and financial uncertainty for most of us. It was painful.
Yet throughout history, collective suffering can lead to growth. Many are enthused by the prospect of what lies post-pandemic, perhaps even as a direct result of it, including the likelihood of federal paid leave and normalization of mental health challenges.
How did we get here?
Jodi Vandenberg-Daves teaches the history of motherhood at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse and wrote the book “Modern Motherhood: An American History” (Rutgers University Press, 2014). In the early 20th century, she says, mothers got their first big break, resulting in a Mothers’ Pension Movement to ensure economic justice. The 1970s brought a second wave of economic protection for women with the Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978, making it illegal to fire based on pregnancy.
Still, rigid cultural expectations about motherhood prevented other advances that would have served working women well, causing many to dub it an “unfinished revolution” (there’s even a 2011 book, “The Unfinished Revolution,” by Kathleen Gerson). Essentially, Vandenberg-Daves says, women gained the right to compete for the same jobs as men, but employers were not expected to recognize the caregiving role of motherhood by providing flexibility to attend to sick kids or dental appointments.
I want my mommy!
Is caregiving an issue distinct to mothers? Yes, says Vandenberg-Daves. “We don’t tend to talk about gender. We treat it as a non-issue and instead use the term ‘parents.’ Kids don’t treat their parents as parents; they treat them as mom and dad if they’re in a heterosexual situation.”
To exemplify the distinction between genders, Vandenberg-Daves has students recall who completed various household tasks as they grew, from emotional labor (who listened to your problems) to basic household management (who remembered your shoe size, signed your permission slips, and ensured you had the uniform you needed for the band concert on Thursday). Overwhelmingly, such duties fall under the title of motherhood. “And I’m not saying men don’t do these things,” Vandenberg-Daves says. “They do, and I would never want to minimize that. I want to uphold it and say, ‘Yay! Let’s do more of it!’”
Research in same-sex families suggests greater equality and satisfaction in the division of household and family labor, further supporting that it’s indeed a gender differentiation.
Stephanie Rytilahti, director of gender and women’s studies for the University of Wisconsin System and mother to three young children, says the pandemic made visible the often inequitable division of labor. Partners witnessed the logistical management of their households more closely during quarantine.
It’s not your fault
When there’s a household failure, it’s moms who tend to make it personal and berate their parenting abilities, Rytilahti says. Moms wonder why they can’t manage it all; employers can contribute to this sentiment rather than recognizing an outdated system and lack of support.
Vandenberg-Daves says our cultural belief that families should function as individual units contributes to the battle. “(It’s this) idea that it can all be done by you as a mom by just working harder to put all the right pieces in place,” Vandenberg-Daves says. “Basically, society asks women to make up for all that it won’t do.”
Greater institutional and governmental assistance for families, along with quality training for implementation, provide equitable support and an overarching framework that reduces implicit biases caused when supervisors treat flexibility or time off on a case-by-case basis, Rytilahti says.
The good news: Federally mandated paid leave is on the horizon, according to Jessica Mason, a senior policy analyst for the National Partnership for Women & Families. “I’m optimistic that this is the year the federal government finally passes a paid leave policy,” Mason says. “What’s particularly encouraging to me is that we see economic advisors calling out how essential it is to have these social supports in place so everyone can participate, and get and hold jobs; and that this type of support is at the center of our economy just as much as building a road or a bridge.”
The National Partnership, working to improve lives through equality for women for 50 years, was pivotal in passing the Family & Medical Leave Act (FMLA) of 1993. However, Mason says, FMLA only protects those employed at least one year who’ve worked 1,250 hours for a company with 50 or more. These contingencies neglect 44 percent of the workforce.
Protecting our most vulnerable
The pandemic caused disproportionate harm to people of color, especially women, according to a research brief released by the National Partnership in late March. It further widened the gap between more-advantaged workers (often white) and those in positions deemed essential, who faced daily risk of infection (positions often held by marginalized groups).
National Partnership, a founding member of Paid Leave for All, promotes a comprehensive policy that covers multiple needs (cancer, to help a family member, or pregnancy/childbirth) to ensure less discrimination in its application, Mason says.
A mother’s lack of support impacts her whole family. “The pandemic really drove home that women and their families cannot thrive unless they have the support they need for their health and their economic security,” Mason says. “We saw that when people didn’t have paid sick time, they had to go into work sick anyway because they couldn’t afford to lose a paycheck. Health and economics are inextricably intertwined.”
Beyond federal measures
There are opportunities at the local level that will help just as much as paid leave for all. Rytilahti lists options such as onsite child care and company-wide plans for no-school days. It’s supporting a culture where it’s okay to leave a meeting early because your child has a soccer game, she says. It’s generating creative ways to provide access to leadership roles for all, such as offering job-share positions. And it’s normalizing caregiving roles for men.
“We have to raise our voices,” Vandenberg-Daves says. “Some of us can’t do this for whatever reason – we need the job too desperately, we’re in a difficult work relationship. But those of us who can advocate, we should, and we should make that visible.”
Will greater economic and healthcare protections for families be COVID’s silver lining? In the words of author Zora Neale Hurston, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” Perhaps 2021 holds answers.
In the meantime, the New York Times “Primal Scream” line remains open. The number is 212-556-3800. You’re welcome, and Happy Mother’s Day.
Lissa Carlson is the vaccinated mother of two teenage boys. She is an award-winning writer who has written about parenting for 25 years.