Sometimes, dads of older children, teens, or adults comment to me that I should enjoy parenthood when children are little because childhood goes by so fast. This comment is usually shared when I’m in the middle of reprimanding my child or reminding her of expected behavior. I always think this is a strange comment that makes me think that I am not displaying sufficient “joy” in interacting with my kid at that moment. There are activities in which I relish the time we spend together–playing at the park when she is laughing uncontrollably when she wants to share some discovery or even wrestling on the couch. But, then there are the times that feel like I’ve been sucked into a time vortex of a never-ending loop of saying “brush your teeth” over and over again. I know mindfulness is all the rage–where you are supposed to become aware of your actions and gently accept your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. Mindfulness is about being conscious of your reactions, accepting them, and not becoming overwhelmed by them. When I’m in one of these time vortices, it is hard to step back, feel the joy of being together, and not yell, “Just brush your teeth and go to bed.”
At the same time, there are times when I am particularly “mindful” in my interactions. I know I have to display emotions and say certain things to mold my kid into the decent person I want to see in the world. I mindfully have to become an excellent actor in communicating urgency and consequences to a child acting like a sloth getting ready for school. The reality is that there are few consequences to arriving a few minutes late. However, I know that she does better when she gets a few minutes on the playground, is able to chit chat with others before entering the classroom, and learns the value of punctuality. So, my wife and I become the sloth wranglers getting our daughter clothed, fed, and groomed for her benefit. There are other times when I have to suppress my laughter at something she is saying or doing that are inappropriate for the time or place. Announcing that she heard and smelled someone’s fart at Target, commenting on the various food products and bodily substances potentially staining her new shirt, and her “big girl” dancing that looks like she is ejecting a spider from her pants push the limits of me keeping a straight face and being a mindful dad. Internally, I’m laughing at the absurdity of the situation.
The truth is that kids are naturally mindful, existing in the moment and supremely aware of what is happening in their thoughts and feelings. Now, they may not have the depth of understanding as an adult or self-control, but when a kid is sad, mad, happy, silly, excited, etc. they know and show. They display the excitement of being in the moment of finding a particular bug or finding a shell on the beach. In that moment, I believe they recognize the specialness of their find that most adults cast off as ordinary. Often, parents voice words of excitement or reinforcement of the uniqueness of the find, helping them experience being mindful in a brief interaction. Validating that feeling of specialness supports the child’s growing sense of wonder.
Zero to Three, an advocacy and policy institute for children ages zero to three and their families, suggests five ways to be mindful as a parent:
- Listen to your child with your full attention.
- Accept your child (and yourself) without judgment.
- Imagine your child’s feelings and match your response.
- Manage your own feelings and reactions.
- Show compassion for yourself and your child.
I’d like to think I have that much self-control and self-awareness that I engage in these practices with regularity. But, I don’t. As dads, there are multiple pressures and demands on us that often pull us away from really being there in the moment with our kids. Think of how often being tired, checking your phone, catching up with your romantic partner, getting food on the table, cleaning up a mess, and fixing stuff hijacks your attention and effort. There are few opportunities to sit back, take a deep breath, and reflect on the strange, complicated, messy, experience of being a father. If you want to be more effective, more attuned to your kids, less reactive, take the time to be a mindful dad.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.
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