Father's Day Column Archives - Page 4 of 6

Captive Car Conversations

By Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch | March 28, 2022

It can be hard to find time to catch up with our kids. The time we spend chauffeuring them around offers the perfect opportunity!

Like most parents, I spend a significant amount of time just shuttling my kid from one place to another. I had a friend post on social media after her teen got his driver’s license that her side job of over 20 years as a personal chauffeur was over. I sighed in envy. Like many of you, I do not enjoy battling the log jam of traffic to get my kid to school or lessons or friends’ houses. But, I have recognized that this time is when my kid is captive in my car and where I get to find out what is happening in my daughter’s life.

In these private moments, she tells me about her interactions at school. She reports on who is mean to her, who runs fast, and who got the stink eye from her teacher. She tries to teach me lessons by quizzing me on her times tables or division or my knowledge of an area of science that she learned in class. Often, I feign ignorance or make mistakes on purpose so that she can teach me what she knows. I also hear her musings as the car seat philosopher when she asks about human nature with questions like, “Why do some people not like each other because of their skin color?”

Recently NPR was on the radio with interviews with Ukrainians about the invasion. I thought she was reading, but then she asked what was happening. I provided an overview of the situation, to which she replied indignantly, “That is not okay!” In her eight-year-old way, I love that she understands these issues of social justice and that she is learning them from me.

Another time, in the morning traffic, a driver grew impatient and went around us and several cars in the emergency lane. The driver failed to notice the police officer ahead, who promptly pulled him over, presumably to write a ticket. Amid my cheers, my daughter asked what a ticket was. I explained how tickets work, penalize drivers, and how they cost money for insurance. I then explained the role of insurance. Had I tried to sit her down and explain insurance to her, she would not tolerate it. In the car and the moment, she was willing to learn.

We have had conversations about how cement trucks work, what to do in a tsunami, why fire trucks are red, and what she would do if she found a treasure chest. For a while, she was determined that her school was built on top of an old magical school and hypothesized how she and her friends could find clues that would reveal her school’s true origins. I made many queries about what has led her to think that and how she would know if it were true. As I sat behind the wheel, I learned her reasoning process. The ultimate solution was to look at an old map of Pacific Grove and start digging a hole to find an entry. I ultimately told her that the real magic was in her learning, and she rolled her eyes.

As kids get older, it becomes harder to get information about what is happening in their lives. It can be hard to find one-on-one time to have meaningful conversations. These little car conversations can help build relationships, establish trust, and stay connected.

There is even some research that for teenagers involved in sports, the conversations in the car ride home from practice or competition can be soothing, productive, and supportive. Teens have reported that these post-activity talks help them reflect on their performance and how to maintain a positive attitude amid poor performance. They also reported how parental feedback made the car ride more enjoyable and made them feel closer to their parents.

As a dad, these are private times to relish one-on-one interaction without my wife or my daughter’s friends being present. Sometimes, she will ask about my childhood experiences–like if I got into trouble or my older sister was mean to me. I answer her questions as honestly as possible (Yes, she was mean to me sometimes!). When she questions me, she is trying to know more about me and, I think, sees herself in me.

I still don’t like the traffic, but I like the company.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Hands-On Science Fun in San Francisco

By Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch | August 23, 2021

My family and I had the opportunity to visit the Exploratorium at Pier 15 in San Francisco with the goal of exploring and then reporting back to the readers of Monterey Bay Parent. After weighing the risks and reading about the museum’s Covid-19 safety protocols, we decided to venture north to check out the museum for the day. My wife and I figured that, with our too-young-to-be-vaccinated daughter, we could leave and find other things to do in San Francisco if the museum was too crowded or not well regulated. Before the pandemic, I had lamented not having bigger city activities like those in San Jose and San Francisco that would give my daughter the cultural and educational experiences that my wife and I experienced growing up. The Exploratorium seemed like a great opportunity.

If you are unfamiliar, the Exploratorium is a world-class science museum in San Francisco, located on Pier 15, near the Ferry Building, with 75,000 square feet of exhibition space. Here’s a tip: Call and ask what days and times are the slowest to avoid crowds. We went on a Sunday, traffic was as expected, and parking was ample. Like many museums and attractions, you submit a time in which you would like to be admitted for crowd regulation. There were touchless admissions and an attendant to help, hand sanitizer stations were everywhere, and all the staff and guests were wearing masks. Also, there were fewer people with the regulated time of admissions, making it easy to maintain social distance from other visitors. We also heard and saw the staff approach any guest who removed their mask, including the little ones. This made visiting during Covid times more enjoyable.

What always strikes me about visiting museums like the Exploratorium is how clever the exhibits are in fusing science with interaction. As soon as we entered, my daughter was off pressing buttons and turning knobs on her own with the variety of exhibits, experimenting with controls to figure out the concepts. The museum has six galleries, including one that is outside. The galleries are Human Phenomena, Tinkering, Seeing & Reflections, Living Systems, Outdoor Exhibits, and Observing Landscapes. Each section immerses you into a new world of science and art. Art, perspective, color, and light are incorporated into each of the galleries. Even the restrooms include images of optical illusions on the tiles.

The Explainers (staff) help to engage the visitors. At one station, my daughter arrived in time to aid in collecting water off the pier outside to show plankton on the projection microscope. Later, we returned to watch the live dissection of a cow’s eye. At another station, the Explainer engaged a small group with an opportunity for each kid to create a lightbulb filament with wire, batteries, and a jar and experiment with what would work to make the light last longer. I was impressed by the Explainer’s good training when she questioned the children into thinking critically about what to change to meet their goals.

At lunchtime, we headed to the cafe that had a range of options of ready-made sandwiches, salads, and made-to-order hamburgers and fries, and beer and wine were available for the adults too. The choices are ample for most families–although very fussy eaters may want to bring food. Prices are museum prices but not outrageous. My daughter was speeding through her lunch to get to the outdoor gallery. She was eager to get on these circular chairs with rounded bottoms like a top. They are designed to spin on the bottom edge and not topple over. In addition, there is also an optical illusion house to walk through where it appears from one side that the inhabitants are growing in size. Clever!

Another gallery looks out onto the bay and invites the visitors to draw what they see while looking through various colored and gridded lenses. My daughter sat down to draw the buildings and trees across the way. She added a cat in a boat because “it was too plain.” At the same time, her drawing showed that she understood how to use the grid lines on the lens to guide the proportions in her picture. A win for teaching that art and perspective principle!

I anticipated that we would be there at most for a couple of hours with my daughter whipping through the exhibits and then getting bored. Instead, we were there for five hours until the museum closed. We probably could have stayed even longer, given the number of exhibits. Notice that I have continued to use “we.” Yes, my wife and I were equally entertained by the exhibits as our daughter, a sign of a quality museum appealing to all ages. I think, in my observation, that the museum is ideal for kids four years old and up. Pre-reading kids have plenty of things to do and touch that do not require reading the instructions. Kids with reading skills can easily engage with all aspects of the exhibits.

For me, the day trip was worth it to give my daughter a new experience and learn about science and art in novel, interactive ways. To have an activity that kept my daughter engaged and learning and in a safer environment is a win.

What Dad Stuff Are You Teaching?

By Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch | May 27, 2021

A YouTube channel Dad, How Do I? was recommended to me in my social media feed. Rob Kenney provides videos on stuff that a dad “should” teach you on this video channel. The videos range from how to tie a tie, home repairs and car maintenance, to the basics of finances. He provides his advice in an approachable, friendly, every dad way. After watching several of the videos, I came to appreciate this kind of advice (and learned some tips too). But, at the same time, I was struck by the idea that there are certain things that kids should be taught and how learning these skills leads to confidence and self-sufficiency.

When I think of what my father taught me, I think of how he taught me how to barbecue. I don’t mean the simple backyard grill. My father is from Argentina, where an Asado is an event, and your worth as a person is measured by the perfection by which you grill the meat. I remember him showing me how to pile the coals and judge that they were at the right state for grilling. He showed me how to monitor the flames to bring about the best char. Now, anytime grilling is involved, I feel confident in delivering tasty food as my father did.

I also think about what I learned from my stepfather. One time I came home from college with a headlight out on my car. I was fretting about spending money to take the vehicle to a mechanic when my stepfather said he could replace it quickly. I was doubtful of his skills, but he took me to the auto parts store, purchased the replacement bulb, and walked me through changing the bulb, saving me the cost and hassle. After I drove back to school, sure enough, the other headlight went out within a week. This time, however, I had learned how to fix the headlight and repeated the steps I had been shown successfully. I called my stepfather excitedly because I had been able to change the headlight on my own.

Recently, I was in the yard showing my daughter how to plant tomatoes so that they will grow and flourish. I had her dig a spot, place the seedling deep into the hole, and fill it in as I held the plant upright. She then watered the plant well, and we discussed why the plant needed this kind of care. She then planted the next seedling, narrating to me what she was doing and why she was doing it. When I gave her positive feedback, she grinned widely and wanted to do more on her own.

There is never enough time to take care of household tasks or general maintenance around the house. It is much faster if you can just get the tasks done. However, these instances can become opportunities in building skills for kids or just learning how the world works. By gaining these skills, kids become confident and proud of their self-sufficiency. And, they have the chance to associate those skills they learn with their dad.

I remember one time I had taken my daughter kite flying with kites ranging from one purchased at the dollar store to one purchased in San Francisco’s Chinatown. It would have been easier for me to assemble the kites and get them in the air as soon as possible and then hand her the string. She was eager to fly them and did not want to listen to how to get them going. After some poor attempts and switching kites, she was ready to listen. We talked about the differences in the kite shapes and the need for the tails. I showed her how to figure out which direction the wind was coming and think about how the wind would push against the kite to keep it aloft. I positioned her correctly, explaining which direction to run and how to let out the string as the kite rises. It took her several tries, a few cries of frustration, and a lot of “Dad, I know what to do.” Then, she took a run, a gust of wind was well-timed, and the kite rose into the air. She quickly let out the string and saw how high the kite flew. With a big smile on her face and jumping around, I had to remind her to keep watching the kite gently. She also got the accolades of the other kids and families in the park since the kite could be seen in the air by all. Now, I know kite flying is not great skill. But, I think that my daughter learned that she could master something on her own and felt proud of doing so. And she learned from her dad.

My goal for the future is for her to have little need to watch videos of what dads should teach their kids. Like many dads, I want my daughter to be confident and self-sufficient with the tasks of life. So, I plan to do my best to teach her all the stuff this dad can teach her.

Happy Fathers Day!

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Five things I learned from my mother … about being a father

By Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch | April 27, 2021

There are times when I am talking to my daughter, hearing the words from my mouth, and I realize that I sound like my mother. My parenting is deeply rooted in how I was parented and particularly by my mother.

With Mother’s Day this month, I think of five things I learned from her:

1. Show you care about others in small ways. My mother is the kind of person who, when she travels, buys trinkets for loved ones. When she visits, there are small gifts of things on sale, giveaways she thought we would like, or items she remembered we said we wanted. From growing up, I learned about the importance of showing others what you think of them.

I am not a trinket-buyer. However, I do a large chunk of grocery shopping, and sometimes, I buy a new product or something I think my daughter will find interesting. When I return, my daughter will ask, “Did you buy any treats?” You’ve never seen a child so excited over sour gummy fruit snacks, but I think she recognizes that someone was thinking about her like my mother did (and continues to do) for me.

2. Recognize the person who your kid is, audibly. My mom is one of my biggest fans. As I grew up, she regularly commented positively on the work I did. But, she commented not just on the hard work but also on the kind of person I was. She told me I was intelligent, creative, clever, talented, etc. Although my face would redden when she would say these things, it was a good reminder that she had faith in me and saw the best version of who I was. Like many people, there were times when it felt like other kids didn’t recognize these traits. But, my mom was unwavering. As a dad, I have learned that, just as my mother praised the person I was, I do the same with my daughter. I am quick to remind my daughter of her creativity, sense of humor, fearlessness, compassion, and ability to bring people together. Like my mom did, I want to be sure that my daughter knows that I see her for the person she is.

3. Try new experiences. I grew up in a solidly working-class family, where we did not have a lot of money for extras, but my mother found ways to introduce new activities. She once got discounted tickets for a strange theater performance of a sad clown who did not speak for 45 minutes but pantomimed to violin music. At intermission, my sister and I begged to leave, but mother had us stay. After the “play” resumed, the clown dashed off stage and burst into the lobby. Moments later, the sad clown flung open the doors and uttered the only words of the whole play, “Donuts! Donuts!” and threw donuts, frisbee-style, into the audience. After that, he started interacting with the audience, leaving us laughing. My mother also took us to the roller derby because we liked roller skating. To see something different, we went to see Wrestlemania IV live. From her attitude, I think I have also embraced that notion with my parenting. In our family, we take advantage of the breadth of activities in our area (when they were open). As a family, we have taken tours of a mushroom farm, attended open houses at the local research labs, attended cultural festivals like Dia de Los Muertos, the Obon Festival, and the Jewish Food Festival, been to events during car week, and probably others that I am forgetting. The point is that, like my mother, I am trying to convey the idea that there is a wide diversity of experiences out there. You never know when donuts may fly through the air.

4. Have a positive attitude towards learning. I always remember my mother taking a class. When we first got a microwave oven, she took a class on microwave cooking. When she wanted to transition out of being a secretary, she took classes to become a mortgage broker. She would take all the education classes they offered when she went on a cruise. In her 50’s, she took courses at a community college, one or two classes at a time, to get her A.A. Now, in her later 70’s, she is pursuing her Bachelor’s degree as a junior at Cal State Northridge, majoring in Psychology. She has demonstrated to me that there is always something to learn and that learning leads to self-improvement. I think that a positive attitude towards learning has sunk in when my daughter can barely contain herself to tell me what she learned watching “Operation Ouch!” or something she learned from the main school lesson for the day.

5. Affection is expected. My mom is a hugger and a kisser. A hug and kiss are required upon arrival and departure (even as an adult). When something good happened, there was a kiss and a hug. When I was sick, my mom would take my temperature by putting her lips on my forehead to determine my level of illness, which ended with a kiss. Even at the age when affection was considered embarrassing by me, it was still administered with the warning, “I’m still your mother.” There were also those times when I was stressed over some aspect of adolescent triviality that the kiss good night was indeed a reminder that some relationships are constant. The physical interaction between parents and children has meaning–it reinforces the relationship, it provides appropriate intimacy, and it reminds you that you are loved. I make sure that my affection is expressed freely to my daughter.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, my wife, and to all the moms reading!

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

New Dad? New Life!

By Monterey Bay Parent Editors | January 26, 2021

It is hard to describe the instant love that occurs when you first become a father. It is sort of like winning an award for a 9-month long project (Mothers deserve the larger prize, hands down). At the end of the project, you are left with this little person, trying to get to know their unfolding personality.

The early days of infancy are terrifying, exhilarating, sleepless, and janitorial. Many men become dads without much experience caring for babies. When growing up, boys are not routinely given infant care tasks. I hope this pattern is on the decline so that boys become men who have been around babies and have a better understanding of what to do. One research study found that men feel a strong sense of responsibility as fathers. Unfortunately, they also report feeling they lacked “the skills, experience, support, and recognition needed to be fathers.”

When my daughter was an infant, despite having baby care experience, being older, and having an advanced degree, I still was uncertain of how to provide care “correctly.” I took cues from my more confident wife’s on diaper changes for girl anatomy, on burping technique after feeding, and on swaddling (I don’t think I ever quite mastered it, to be honest). Research also supports that new fathers often feel uncertain about establishing their role while bonding with their infant. And, 10-18% of new fathers have reported depression or anxiety symptoms just after their child’s birth. Becoming a new dad is a different challenge than it is for new moms.

From my experience, book learning, and talking to other fathers, I offer the following to new dads:

Sleep when you can. After having a baby sleep through the night for several months and then abruptly shift to waking up a few times a night, my wife and I sought help. Early on, we learned that being sleep deprived made it much harder to function and communicate with one another, let alone care for a baby. My wife went to a parenting class where the instructor advised, “Do whatever you can to give the most people the most sleep.” We took this advice to heart. So, that meant that if our daughter wanted to sleep in the swing, she could nap in the swing. If I needed to nap in the recliner with the baby next to me, then that happened. If one of us needed to sleep in another room, we did. You will learn how to help the baby sleep better and find ways to help him or her relax. Sleep is critical for everyone.

Do your part. It may seem that the mom’s role leaves little room for you to interact with the baby. If this happens, suck it up and do those supportive tasks that keep your household running, so that baby can get the attention they need. That means cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, changing diapers, etc., to free up time to attend to the baby.

Make time to be with the baby. When there are opportunities to care for the baby one-on-one, do so. Feed, change and bathe baby when you can, and you will feel the ongoing bond building. You will also grow more confident in taking care of the baby. Making time also means you may have to assert your role as an equal parent.

Care for the baby your way. You do not have to replicate and do everything exactly as your partner does. When I burped my infant daughter, my patting technique on the back was much firmer than was my wife’s, which she would tell me each time. But, my way was effective and worked for what it was intended. At the same time, I was more comfortable holding the baby on one arm, upside down (i.e., a “football hold”), which my wife found precarious. But, it worked to soothe our daughter. We negotiated these differences as our daughter grew. Even today, some things are done “daddy style” and some “mommy style.”

Talk with your partner. The transition to parenthood can shift your relationship. Moms still bear the responsibility of more care for infants and can feel the stress of round-the-clock care (particularly if breastfeeding). Your relationship goes from a couple to a trio (or more), with the littlest one demanding most of the attention. Each of you may be uncertain about the job you are doing with the baby and about what the future may hold. You may also be balancing work and other demands. It is important to spend time talking about how things are going, about plans for activities, and about working together. Talk about how you feel about being a father. Talk about what you want for the future. Talk about what you have learned about your baby. Share the funny things that have occurred. All of this communication will strengthen your connection to one another.

Finally, accept help when offered and ask for it when needed. Most parents are willing to share their tips and successes. There is no shame in reaching out and asking others what they have done to become a better parent. The best way to express your love is to become the best parent you can.

The Dad Bod in the New Year

By Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch | December 29, 2020

With the new year, the ads for gyms, exercise equipment, and vitamins are everywhere. I wholeheartedly support these endeavors…from the couch. Like many fathers, I find time for exercise hard to come by and, frankly, less attractive than other activities. I don’t particularly like the term dad bod, but the mirror doesn’t lie. In case you haven’t heard this before, a dad bod is when weight is gained in the midsection, muscle tone is lessened, and doughiness prevails after having children. There is actual research that fathers’ bodies change post-having children. In one study, dads were 10 pounds heavier than non-dads with almost 2 inches more around the waist. However, the dads were more likely to say they were “about the right weight” than non-dads. Despite this positive self-image, those extra pounds can compromise health. The last year I’ve focused on staying healthy and not getting sick, so perhaps, this new year is one to take the extra step.

TAKE YOUR TIME

In thinking about exercise, I reached out to a friend, Julie Schnitzer, a Certified Personal Trainer and owner of Atagol Fitness in Pacific Grove, to ask her about dads getting back into the fitness routine. She advised re-entering a routine slowly, gradually increasing to more strenuous movement, and not expecting to pick up where you left off. She said, “Work on forming an identity-based habit. In other words, define what type of person you want to be and take daily actions that align with that identity.” I like to think of myself as lazy, but I may need to shift that image from non-lazy to active and start moving (literally) towards that image.

MAKE IT A HABIT

Fitness goals to me are easy to say and hard to enact. Like everyone else, I am busy at work and home. When I think about taking time to exercise, I feel like I am being selfish and feel guilty. Instead of exercising, I should use that time to engage with my kid, fix things around the house, or help out with the various chores. To overcome this common guilt from dads, Personal Trainer Julie Schnitzer asks, “What can you shift in your life to make your health a higher priority?” She says that perhaps there are activities that may have short-term benefits (e.g., relax with Netflix) you can forgo in favor of those activities that offer long-term investment in wellness. As a dad, it is hard to argue with this kind of logic. I use the same sort of reasoning with my daughter to get her to eat nutritious foods before treats, go outside before videos, and brush her teeth.

PLAYTIME AS EXERCISE

Kids are a good source of exercise. A few months ago, with playgrounds closed, I bought a heavier weight rope to jump rope with my daughter. One of us acts as the turner, and the other is the jumper (The other end is tied to a tree or pole). After a few rounds of “Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish…,” I eventually have to take a turn. I do try my best and enjoy the jump roping but am relieved when my 7-year-old gets sloppy in her turning. We then turn to frisbee, which often turns into wind sprints to get to the frisbee first. It feels good to play and run around, leaving stresses behind and staying in the moment of fun. Schnitzer concurs with this kind of activity, advocating that “kids are the ultimate training tools.” She notes that children are always looking to play and love being physically active with their parents. As a dad, increasing these play activities benefits my connection with my kid and my health by incorporating exercise simultaneously (a side benefit is my wife gets a quiet house for a while). In our place, we have started an outside-play-for-videos rule for my daughter, which is easier to fulfill when daddy is cycling alongside or is playing catch too.

I don’t know if this dad bod is going to become a rad bod. I hope that others will join me in leaving the couch, being active and healthy, and making changes so we can be around with our kids for a long time.