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Monterey Bay Parent » Father's Day Column

Counting the Moments That Matter Most for Fathers

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I got the call. The one I’ve been preparing for my whole adult life. I knew all this so-called trivial knowledge would finally become useful, right up there with mastering “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on that off-white plastic recorder or remembering all the bumps in a cursive ‘m.’ 

“Dad, can you help me with my math homework?” Like a superhero gliding into the room, adorned with sharpened #2s on my holster, I was ready to meet the goal head-on. “Let’s be alge-bros!” I told my third-grade daughter as her eyes twinkled with hope.

She’s been interested in the magic of numbers for a long time, often telling me how much my favorite basketball team is winning or losing by after each possession, but we’ve recently started legit math. Angles and geometry presented the problems du jour, and while it wasn’t my strongest category back in the day, I relished the moment to show off my esoteric knowledge. And of course to help my daughter in school, connect with her intellectually, and all that other stuff too.

But alas, I was too obtuse, bumbling my polygons to the degree a fairly solid dad joke couldn’t save. (Sorry I was late. I took the rhom-bus.) We tried a few more problems, but I could tell she wasn’t into it. I started to impersonate Pythagoras debating calling his life’s work a theorem versus a theory, but she was already gone. Never meet your heroes, folks.

On a positive note, all those numbers really got me thinking. I enjoy collating and recategorizing periods of my life through the lens of quantities, interims, and oddly coincidental statistics. Yet I always forget to give a card on someone’s birthday. 

Celebrating my ninth Father’s Day as a dad this year—my first writing this eponymous piece—I’m keen to think back on a few of the big digits that have defined me since my wife and I welcomed a new roommate all the way back in 2017.

831  Our family moved back to the Monterey Peninsula after a ten-year hiatus in Florida. We left a Monterey apartment as towheaded newlyweds and came back with three daughters, two dogs, and more true stories that could fill a few banned books. We also rediscovered our appreciation and love for all the things this community has to offer, from good beer and pizza to wondrous people and maybe the most perfect climate and landscape in the world. Yes, I am biased.

360 Of course I always want my kids to eat well-balanced, nutritious meals and snacks that are protein-packed, sugar-free, and organically sourced. For the other times, I present the faithful chicken nugget. Give me 10–12 minutes with that cheat code air fryer, set to just the right temp for a golden brown and crispy Stegosaurus-shaped nugget. I appreciate you for the days when time and tempers are short, and I don’t mind having the last one without a head. Bon appetit! 

40ish Lately, I catch myself forgetting my age. Getting older is weird, and I still view my world like I did in my late twenties. I’m still cool, with it, and athletic. Then your world blows up when a nine-year-old breaks your ankles on the foursquare court. I’ve finally started to accept my 40s like I’ve started to accept back pains and bedtime before 10:00 p.m.

12 Being married to me can’t be easy. Calling me dad might be harder sometimes, but my wife has put in all-star level leadership for a five-player squad that began a dozen years ago when we made it official, overlooking the Monterey Bay.

It rained so miraculously hard on that parched Pacific Coast day that the DJ’s portable speakers blew out as my wife-to-be walked down the aisle. As the moment of panic set in for our family and friends, the officiant began humming, “Here Comes the Bride,” with the crowd soon joining to complete the straight-out-of-a-movie moment. A dozen more times around the sun, and I still get to make her coffee every morning. No complaints here.

8  Growing up, my extended relatives were limited, and most didn’t live nearby. My wife and I have always liked the idea of a big family (the sitcoms worked!), and we’re fortunate to have a lot of help on our bench. Our girls now love and adore eight grandparents who feel the same way about their three energetic and bombastic grandgirls. Each has their respective role, whether near or far, and it’s truly incredible how kids always bring us together. My girls really enjoy the holiday gifts, attention, and ice cream, but that grandparent love is like no other.

We’re also lucky to live close enough to more than half of those nanas and papas. It’s that amount of hours needed to completely unplug your brain, move your body in a healthy way outside of unclogging the toilet, and maybe just possibly have your own self-identity. Conversely, it’s the perfect amount of time my kids can ditch me—I’m sure I can be insufferable with the jokes—and get quality moments with people far more interesting than dad. It’s a win-win.

5  “Seriously, this is it.” My kids have asked for five more minutes at the park for the fourth time, but they know I’m soft and I like the slides. The playgrounds, parks, and rec areas across Monterey County have become the default family fun zone for us. Wherever you are around this beautiful cutout of rugged mountains and relaxing valleys, you’re close to a fun park with some kind of view or interesting terrain. 

We live down the street from Tatum’s Treehouse in Carmel Valley, and I’m fairly sure my girls get mail there. Talking with friends, getting exercise, and just being outside—it’s the perfect remedy for screen overload and kid jitters. I like grabbing an iced coffee and counting all the goldfish my toddler drops as she ascends the faux rock wall. Nap time just got a whole lot easier.

3 My own dad recently asked me if I ever thought about writing a screenplay. “Actually,” I said, “I have a few drafts in progress out in the workshed, right next to my wood carvings and watercolor paintings.” Stinging sarcasm aside, I really wish there was more time to pursue hobbies or interests that might scratch a creative itch, fulfill a personal goal, or just make me happier. Hell, I’d like to watch a few episodes of a new HBO show that everyone references; I just smile and nod but have no idea what they’re talking about.

To that, I also say I have three kids under ten, and parenting is way harder than I expected. (That book, by the way, is fairly useless after you leave the hospital.) When I’m working, I feel guilty for not being with my kids. Feeling the same way in reverse sets up a tough strategy to broaden your personal passions. I’m sure these feelings aren’t foreign to parents everywhere, and the mental and emotional elasticity and fatigue might be the hardest part when it’s all said and done. But what is undeniably true, though, is that being a dad is the single greatest thing I will ever do. And I hope I get to do it as long as possible, whenever my story comes to an end. 

Until then, I’ve got a lot of numbers left. But really, who’s counting?

The Superheroes of Motherhood

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It is time to order those flowers, make brunch reservations, and have kids make cards for the mothers on Mother’s Day. As a dad, my job is to ensure that my daughter responds to her mother with appreciation and that I take the time to thank my wife for all she does in the care of our daughter and our family as a whole. Day to day, it is easy to take mothers for granted. Mothers do so many little and big things for kids (and often rescue dads from having to do them).

Mothers’ relationships with their kids begin when they are in utero. As mothers feel the movement inside their bellies, they start forming notions of who that child is and how to respond to that child. A mother might think “You’re a little kicker” or “You don’t like spicy food”—all which add to the budding relationship. Even adoptive mothers, research shows, have physiological and psychological changes post-adoption. All of this means that the relationship between mother and child is indeed special, like a superpower. Mothers instinctively know how to care for their children. Yes, there are rare cases of mothers who do a poor job, but almost universally, mothers are in tune with the needs and care of their children. Even as a pretty involved dad, sometimes all I can do is watch and learn.  

My wife is the one who seeks out the best lotion or shampoo for my daughter among the vast array of products of which I know nothing about. My wife is able to convince my daughter of smart, fashionable choices of clothing or type of sneaker when my fashion sense input is non-persuasive and dismissed. My wife provides a sympathetic ear to my daughter when she rehashes her friendship drama of which I “just don’t understand.” My wife ensures that my daughter has a new shirt for Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day or Pi Day or other special dress-up days at school. She patiently sits alongside my daughter doing homework to provide “help” when she really just wants companionship. She helps my daughter plan and pack the right clothes when we travel. Her powers and expertise as a mother are recognized by my daughter, and I am not sure that I could or would want to insert myself into these situations. 

Becoming a mother is transformational. Certainly, daily schedules change, priorities shift, and expectations of the future evolve to include family life. Even the most prepared woman or experienced mom cannot really know, in advance, how they will build their relationship with a specific kid—yet, they figure it out and do it well. As a dad, I watch from the sideline in awe at how well and smoothly, for the most part, this happens. 

I used to think those mothers who call themselves Momma Bears or Tiger Moms or something similar were just posturing of the lengths they would go to protect their families. Then, I have seen the veracity with which moms advocate for their children who are ill, who need support for learning differences, who deserve protection from bullying, or who require the appropriate attention from an authority figure. Although these may be common situations that muster maternal intervention, these moms are also the ones to ensure that lunches get packed, playdates scheduled, and homework remembered. Ultimately, when it comes to families, mothers are the superheroes both in a crisis and everyday in getting things done.

Setting aside a specific day to recognize mothers is necessary. Mothers do so much in raising the next generation and filling them with hope, empowerment, and love and everything else that one day becomes a small token. Dads, it is time to pay attention to what would honor the mom in your life—a special meal out, a housecleaning, a gift, or whatever demonstrates true gratitude. Whatever you choose, the gesture should be accompanied with honesty by saying “thank you” directly to that person.  

So, to my wife, mother of my child, thank you for everything you do everyday to raise our child to be the best person she can be and for being our daily family superhero.

The Tucking In

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There may be fewer bedtime rituals as our children get older but it’s still an important part of your child’s day. It can be a time for processing the day or important issues between parent and child or as simple as a short time for reconnecting and sending child off to sleep with a feeling of security.

The tucking in is the final signal that the day is over and it is time to rest. Sometimes, this signal is not received and there is a bellow from the bed of “Daaaad!” or “Mooooom!” If you are like me, you take a deep breath and prepare for resolving the situation, tucking in again.

When kids are young, there is an elaborate sequence of events that must occur. Parents may have to help with brushing teeth, getting their kid to use the toilet (or do the last diaper change), reading a story or two or three (as negotiated), and then ensuring the child is sufficiently under covers. The preferred stuffy is propped nearby, lights shut off, and a quiet and quick departure happens. From the parent, there is usually an exhale and a hope that the tuck in will stick. 

For little kids, the tucking in often does not stick and heads emerge from rooms to explore the household nightlife (or to create some). Or, parents will find their child out of bed playing with toys as a means to fight their fatigue and passage into sleep. Then, parents futilely extol the value of sleep to restless souls, and the ritual begins again, in an abbreviated version. In the moment, it can be hard to envision a time when the ritual will not be necessary but then kids get older and become more independent.  

As they get older, tucking in can also be an intimate moment for the child and the parent to connect. Sometimes, as a child relaxes, there may be reflection on the day and a callout to the parent to share one last detail before it is lost in sleep. During these nighttime confessionals, I have heard about other kids’ bodily functions, behavioral meltdowns of other children, and odd findings on the playground, but I also hear compliments received from a teacher and kindness from a friend. During these brief interludes, parents can query in hushed tones what the child has been most proud of accomplishing during the day and leave reminders to their child of how loved and valued they are before they drift off. Some families may use this time for saying prayers, individually or together. These prayers, often of protection, thankfulness, and forgiveness, allow for some mental unburdening and reassurance for kids and a notion that, despite the occurrences during the day, the next day will be a new start.

As my daughter got older, she could get herself to bed and used her time to read until she was ready to sleep. However, she still wanted the tucking in. And she still wants the final good night from one or both of her parents. There is less ritual now, and the tucking in now includes parental reminders of the next day’s schedule or upcoming events. There are also times when her day is fraught with conflicts and tucking in is the time when she needs to process, aloud, her worries for the next day or seek to understand why people behave the way that they do. Often, there are no easy answers, but there is a chance to let go of those feelings with parental reassurance and sink into sleep in the cozy environment.

There are also those days in which tucking in comes after a long, protracted battle, my repetition of “go to bed” 500 times, and discovery of my child awake, long after bedtime, engaging in a messy activity not conducive for bedtime. After her slow, distracted movement into pajamas, and my own de-escalation from annoyance, there is the tucking in.

As a parent, amid the frenetic pace of the day and homelife, there are few times to feel assured that you are doing okay as a parent. Kids become more independent and need less parental supervision. Still, giving a kiss, tucking in, and seeing a child roll over into sleep provides solace that things are going alright.

Pledges for the New Year

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January always puts me in a reflective mood, thinking about what is to come in the new year. Like many parents, I easily get caught up in the routine of day-to-day shuttling of kids and just keeping the house livable. But I want to utilize the new year to bring about changes in how I am interacting with my daughter. One thing that is known in the research on changing behaviors is that making a pledge and being held accountable helps to achieve that behavior change. 

Consider pledging to do the following along with me, we can hold each other accountable!

  1. GET OUTSIDE MORE INTO NATURE. We live in a beautiful area with ready access to the beach, hills, and forests, among other terrain. Everyday, I pass by trails into the forest that look enticing but I have not entered. It is easy to laze about in my free time or have a slow morning on the weekend. Because my daughter has not seen enough of the various state beaches and parks up our coastline and inland, I hope you will join me in pledging to enter into nature more. Kids living here should know the prehistoric-looking Pinnacles National Park and the giant redwoods in Big Basin State Park and m ore, given how close we are.
  2. BETTER SCREEN TIME. I know that there are advocates of no screen time, but I think, this year, I pledge to work for better screen time for my daughter and for me. Better screen time means talking about what is being watched, and it also means sharing what is being watched. This pledge means I watch more inane Disney shows, but we also spend time together talking about what is happening. Better screen time means I get to see what she thinks are funny YouTube shorts and why she thinks they are funny. I also realize there are some great classic movies that she has never seen and that we can enjoy together.   
  3. SHARE SCHOOLWORK. At the end of the week, my wife and I get a pile of papers and are told, “These are for you to look at.” I dutifully look at them and see the check mark, happy face, or minus and a number and promptly recycle them. Sometimes I ask a question about an answer or two, but otherwise, that is the extent of the interaction with schoolwork. I now recognize that this is not enough of a full understanding of what my child’s life is like. I have forgotten to stop and ask her about her working life (at school). I am now pledging to ask her more about what she struggled with or the strategy she used to solve the problem. I am pledging to ask about the spelling words that seemed tricky or those that were easy to remember. Just like I share what happens with my day or what I am working on, I am pledging to get my daughter to talk more about her schoolwork in order to learn more of how she is tackling challenges.
  4. ACKNOWLEDGE INCONVENIENCE AND INTERRUPTION. There are days where the chaos and disorder of things in our living space get to me. I go around picking things up and putting them into their places. Given that a significant portion of the disarray is the outcome of a child beginning and stopping activities as they do, I have to solicit my daughter’s assistance, and sometimes, with forceful coercion. This activity happens at the time I want to straighten things up. Straightening up is never a chosen activity for my daughter and so there is lots of drama around putting away her own stuff. However, I have come to realize that when this happens, I never really acknowledge that cleaning up is inconvenient for her and interrupts her activity. I am guessing that other parents have had similar experiences. So in order to hopefully quell the resistance, I am pledging to acknowledge that my need to straighten up indeed intrudes into her world. Hopefully, by doing so, the drama will subside and the task will get accomplished faster.  
  5. SAY NO TO GIVEAWAYS. We go to all kinds of public events and festivals. At most of these, there are booths of organizations bringing awareness to what they do by giving away pencils, stickers, and all kinds of plastic trinkets that appeal to children. Most of the time, these items end up in a bin or a drawer, ultimately to be thrown away. We have enough pencils for several years of schooling and lots of bouncy balls. So for this year, I am pledging to work in concert with my daughter to politely decline those items that she won’t really use. Stickers she likes to put onto her water bottle right away, yes! Other items that have no immediate utility, no thank you. We are working on not keeping things to use for later and living with things we use for now.  

There is little time to focus on making changes in relationships and in the family. The new year opens that opportunity by helping us think about how the year can unfold. I am putting some pledges to change out there; how about you?

Holidays, Relatives, Kids, & Lots of Pickles, 

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With the cool fall weather, the travel season begins. Snacks are packed, weather forecasts checked, and toys and tablets are at the ready. Whether by car or plane or both, families are on the move. Many will travel to visit relatives or have relatives come visit them. For the most part, gathering with relatives is part of what makes for special holidays. Since kids may not see their relatives regularly, they may need some coaching to support smooth interactions.

This holiday season, we are traveling to Los Angeles and staying with my mother for a few days. My wife and I remind our daughter that her grandmother has a different daily schedule than we do. We get up early, and she does not. My mom does her best in shopping for food in preparation for our arrival, not always knowing the kinds of yogurt we eat, the types of cereal, or the snacks that are desired. As an attentive grandma with good intentions, sometimes there is too much kid-focused food that could not be consumed in a short visit, or memories of food once enjoyed now overflowing in the pantry. I too have to realize that the typical guidelines we have for nutritious eating and less snacking are thrown aside when there are specially-purchased treats at grandma’s house. Now, my daughter knows that there will be different routines and special foods to eat and that part of being guests is making do with what is available as part of the adventure.  

In the same visit, we plan on visiting my wife’s cousins (really, her father’s first cousins) who are older and have no children, so there are no “kid” activities on the agenda. One particular cousin’s house is overfilled with a lifetime of possessions, making movements tight—and with two loveable but untrained dogs. My wife and I remind my daughter of what it will be like on the inside of the home and the polite ways we expect her to interact with this kind cousin who just wants the opportunity to interact with family members. She now knows that, as a guitar-playing hobbyist, he will want to hear how her lessons are progressing (and may ask her to play). My daughter has been gracious in her interactions and learned to save any reactions for the car. When we are with this cousin, my daughter gets to hear stories of family events that took place, the quirks of her long-dead relatives, and about the life of her active cousin who is more than 75 years older than her. She is learning about having compassion for the elders in her family and acceptance of people for who they are. She also can locate herself on the family tree and how she too is the product of this brilliant, funny, stubborn, petty, and loving panoply of people that is her family.

Recently, we had my wife’s twin half-brothers over for dinner who are in their early 20’s and have not had much opportunity to really get to know our daughter, given their youth, Covid, and their distance from us. My wife and I had to remind her of their names even though, as fraternal twins, they do not look alike. Because of my wife’s involvement with them in their early childhood, she retold the funny things they did as children and their interactions with their common father, whom my daughter barely got to know. My wife told a story of how one of her brothers would commonly drink the brine from pickles as a toddler. He then indicated that he still likes pickle juice and all things that are pickled. With a broad smile, my daughter confirmed how much she too likes pickled items. So I decided to pull out all the pickled items in the fridge to have a taste-off (which included pickled figs, pickled watermelon rind, pickled daikon, pickled bullwhip kelp, and of course, pickled cucumbers). We all enjoyed the items, trading reactions, rating our choices, and laughing. My daughter got to know her uncles better and see, once again, how she fit into this side of the pickle-loving family.

When it comes to relatives, I think we look at the best aspects of them and say to ourselves, “I am like this person,” and know there is comfort in knowing that there are other people like us out there. For kids who do not get to see relatives often, there is reassurance that, not only are there other people with dimples or a similar color of eyes, but there are other people who care about them despite the geographical distance. For elders, there is also a psychological benefit to seeing their continuity through the younger generations of the family. So if the holidays take you to relatives or bring them to your home, remind your kids that their best traits come from those people around them.  

Talking Careers With Your Child

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I am raising a zoologist. At least that is what I have been informed by my ten-year-old daughter lately. She first wants to be a zoologist and then study marine science because she really wants to study narwhals to help protect them. In case you are unfamiliar, narwhals are also known as the unicorns of the sea because of the single tusk (really, a tooth) that grows from their mouth and through their upper lip. She has been enamored with them for a while and has been inspired by a YouTuber she watches, who is a zoologist and describes strange and bizarre, usually menacing and often deadly, animals around the world. This YouTuber ends her segments with “Stay curious. The world has a lot for us to learn,” which makes my daughter interested to learn more about animals. As a parent, I love that she has set her aspirations high, and I want to encourage her to develop skills to help her toward that career.

In the recent past, she wanted to be a linguist because she was interested in how people learn language and the origins of how things get their names. Another time, she wanted to be a gymnastics coach like hers. At one point, she wanted to be a barista because she thought it would be fun to work at a certain green-aproned coffee shop, and she could work fast getting orders out. Her speed at completing work tasks is not one I have seen at home, but nonetheless, not a bad skill to encourage. She has said she wanted to be a teacher and work in a school like hers. I think, at various times, she may have mentioned wanting to be a restaurant server, a dancer, a make-up artist, a veterinarian, a writer, a chef, and maybe a combination of two. It may seem like these are just fantasies for kids, but how parents respond to kids’ musings about careers can shape their motivation.

Research supports the idea that young children voice career choices based on the physical aspects of a job and those professions with which they are familiar. A young child might say they want to be a firefighter because they get to use the fire hose and ride around in the fire truck all day. Or, they may say that they want to be a teacher because they recognize what a teacher does or a football player because they have seen them on TV. At this point, it is good for parents to point out all the kinds of jobs that are out there that kids may not recognize as jobs—accountant? landscape designer? city planner? In addition, parents can point out the skills necessary to be successful at these jobs, like work ethic, listening to others, studying hard, and mastering certain skills, as means to help kids connect their fantasies with skills to get there.

In elementary school and through middle school, kids start recognizing the skills they have, the things they like to do, and they begin connecting them to careers. A kid might say, “I’m good at science, and I like the weather.  I want to be a meteorologist.” Or, you might hear, “I’m really good at soccer, so I am going to be a professional soccer player.” Although some of these aspirations may be challenging to achieve, kids are demonstrating some understanding of their own self-awareness and how that might reflect on a career. For parents, it is natural to want to encourage your kid in things they are good at because you want them to have continued success and build confidence. At the same time, there is good evidence that encouraging their hard work to become proficient at a skill can help sustain their motivation and efforts. For my daughter, I am talking to her about what she thinks zoologists need to be able to do. She said, “Zoologists have to ask a lot of questions.” I agreed and know that she exercises this skill already. I further explained other skills that I thought might be useful, like understanding science, working with a team, writing results, and others. She is starting to realize that she will need to build skills other than just petting a narwhal.

In elementary school, career talk comes out with social comparison and kids’ recognition of who is “good” at what class subject. Some kids can then adopt an attitude of “I am not good at X” and think some career pathways are out of reach. Instead, parents can support efforts toward getting better at school subjects and also point out less academic, school-oriented traits that are developing and useful for careers. Certainly, leadership among peers, compassion, skills at including others, teamwork, public speaking, organization, grit and hard work, creativity, and more all have value in careers but may not show up on a worksheet or test.

There is good evidence that parents’ early talk about preparation for careers can result in higher aspirations for kids. For example, it is more likely that kids who have parents talking to them about going to college or other advanced training have kids who are more likely to do so. As the dad of a future zoologist, I am giving her feedback on her potential pathway to achieve her goal hoping that, despite whatever path she takes, she stays curious and interested in learning about the world.

ROBERT (ROB) S. WEISSKIRCH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

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