I hate explaining to children how the world is unfair. Children, in their limited abilities for perspective-taking, believe that their experience is what everyone else experiences and so they see things as being the same for everyone. Recent events have forced me to describe how people are treated differently because of their skin color. Up to this point, my wife and I have been fortunate that our daughter has not made racial or ethnic distinctions in her interactions with others. At one point, her one distinction among her racially diverse friends was between kids with straight hair and those with curly hair (she fell into the latter until her hair grew long). However, I know that not having to address racial and ethnic differences is a privilege. We don’t have to start giving her the warnings of how to act, the cautionary tales of how to speak, and the coaching that parents of children of color have to do for their safety. At the same time, my wife and I are trying to build skills in an already outspoken kid to become an advocate for those mistreated or don’t feel they can speak up. For a six-year-old girl, this means reminding her to be an “includer” with friends and to tell an adult when she sees someone being treated poorly or unfairly. We’re also trying to stamp out any traces of becoming a “mean girl” as they pop up, helping her figure out the complexities of relationships fairly. As parents, we take her to all kinds of cultural events, cuisine, and activities–but I know this is not enough.
Social media and the professional circles I am in are fraught with advice on how to talk to children about race and ethnicity. Many parents have wondered how young to talk about race. Research has found that children can start showing racial bias as young as four and that the best thing to do is to be open to discussing race. When questions arise, they should be addressed directly, noting the biases and inequities that have continued. I also think that children benefit from understanding what they can do to help a situation. If, as parents, we just say that is the way things are, then children will believe that bias, discrimination, and inequity are part of life and should be accepted. In any discussion of race, it will help kids tell them what they can do to address these situations. This action might mean going to protests, learning about diverse cultures, and practicing inclusive skills.
The media coverage of George Perry Floyd has often neglected to mention that he was a father of three children–two grown children and a six-year-old child. A father was killed. As a father, he had a role in children’s lives, and now, these children are deprived of their father and face overwhelming attention about his tragic death. For the children, his life with them was central, and that presence may be shrouded by what happened to him. At the same time, the stepson of Officer Derek Chauvin is being affected by a father figure who participated in a highly publicized criminal matter. While grappling with the bigger implications of the tragic evidence of systemic racism, I think about the emotional tolls for all involved families. We may not know the impacts of these lost fathers.
Our area has a veil of diversity, and many people may not be aware (or choose not to be aware) of the discrimination that does occur. One local father wrote about his anxiety and preparation in wearing a mask in public as a man of color. As someone who is White, I never think that anyone in public will think I am doing something wrong by wearing a mask. I never think that going out in a mask may result in me being arrested or killed. This ability to not concern myself with how others see my behavior when I am wearing a mask is a privilege point. Marc Quarles, an African American dad in Pacific Grove, was featured in a story in 2014 on NPR for his six-word story: “With kids, I’m Dad; Alone, thug.” Quarles accurately captures how fatherhood humanizes the image of individuals as well as the everyday discriminatory experience of people of color.
As fathers, it is our job now to work with others to bring these issues to public attention as well as educate our children on how to behave better and how to bring about change. The future can change the inequities of the past and present. During the protests, a multiracial friend of mine who has a son the same age as my daughter posted his picture on social media, pointing out that he too might become a victim in the future just because of the way he looked. No parent should have to think such thoughts. Together, we can make a better future.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.
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