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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: Why kids lie and strategies for dealing with it

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I had a dad come up to me at an event recently and say, “Sloan does not have a good poker face.” He had been looking for his son, who was hiding, and my daughter alleged she had no idea where he was while inadvertently signaling his hiding place at the same time. She is not a good liar. 

When caught in a lie, my daughter either tells a story where she is innocent or denies culpability altogether. Her tone of voice and lack of eye contact often give her away. I have also heard her recount “accidents” of how toys got into her backpack to travel to school or how she has no idea of how smudges got on the wall. As a parent, it is frustrating to detect these obvious lies. My wife and I reiterate the importance of being honest and trustworthy to her; she claims to be honest and trustworthy but then sometimes acts otherwise.

A sign of cognitive development

Lying among young children, even among toddlers, may be a sign of advancing cognitive development. Children have to learn from interactions with others that outward facial expressions and communication may not match the thoughts and knowledge in their minds. My wife and I happened to catch our daughter, on video, in an early lie in her high chair. We were dog sitting, and Sloan decided to give the dog her toast. When asked, while the dog was munching away, “Did you give Libby your toast?” She quickly responded with “Noooo.” She seemed to realize, pretty sophisticatedly, that because her parents had not seen this occur she could conceal her deed. After a bit of prodding, she did confess but recognized that the deed was minor with few consequences.

Kids lie for a variety of reasons

One may be because kids are not good at recognizing outcomes to their behavior and realize that something they did is likely to gain disapproval, so they try to avert consequences. They do not realize that playing ball in the house may mean a broken lamp, so they lie about how the ball came into contact with the lamp (e.g., “I tripped, and the ball flew out of my hand.”). Despite the implausibility of events, it does demonstrate a high-level understanding that, without proof, it could have happened that way. They are testing out their understanding of how people think.

Learned social lying

Kids also learn pro-social lying early in childhood, as coached by us, the parents. We tell them how to react to an underwhelming gift and how certain topics should not be disclosed to others. So, kids must learn when some lies are okay, and some are not–not always an easy task for young minds.

Asserting growing autonomy

As kids age, lying may become a way to assert their growing autonomy. Lying about what they were doing, where they went, and who they were with may be part of pre-teenhood and adolescence. Although parents may not like the lying, it may be part and parcel with growing maturity and testing their abilities. We may not like it, but it is a sign of advancing decision-making ability.

When you catch your child in a lie

Show your children that telling the truth leads to a better interaction with you. Experts advise that it can be useful, when catching your kid in a lie, to let them know that you want them to think about the truth. Then walk away from them returning a few moments later to allow them to present a more factual version of the events. Those few moments to reflect gives the child a chance to reconsider and save face with you. It also may give you a few moments to calm down and avoid reactive behavior.

Another suggestion is to explain to children when honesty matters. Kids are developing a sense of right and wrong and may not consciously know when lying is wrong. Unfortunately, parents can do their best to teach and model morality, but morality is often developed through experience. Parents can intervene by coaching kids and asking them, “how did you choose to lie? What did you think would happen?” By examining the process, kids can better understand what circumstances merit consequences and whether those are honest accidents, mistakes, or oversights. Research supports that when kids grow up in households with rigid rules and little dialogue about consequences, they lie more.

A foundation of trust and honesty

Building trust is ongoing. Kids have to know that honesty does not always mean punishment. When kids get older and engage in riskier activities (e.g., drinking, etc.), if a foundation of trust and honesty has not been established, kids will likely not tell you what they are doing or planning to do. If teens think they will get in trouble for drinking, they are less likely to be honest and call for a ride. So, for parents of young children, the investment in guidance for truth and honesty can pay off later.

As a dad, I will continue my benevolent detective routine to seek out the truth from my daughter and reinforce the qualities of honesty and trustworthiness. On the other hand, I may have to teach her to up her game but keep her lying to the poker table.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Gratitude: More than Words

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Like most kids, my daughter does not show gratitude regularly. She is polite and says please and thank you. But, usually, she gets caught up in the excitement of opening a gift or takes for granted that she should receive what has been given to her. Like most parents, I think I expect her to be more grateful for what she has, but the reality is that, as a kid, she knows no difference. As a dad, I work hard to give her an easier life than I had growing up (and mine was not that hard). At the same time, I don’t want her to be spoiled by getting whatever she wants. I want her to pause for a moment and be thankful.

Instilling gratitude is more than just manners. Researchers have found that gratitude is the feeling of appreciation for the thought behind the act or object. So, when kids are grateful for a gift, they recognize that it came because the giver was thinking about them and wanted to give something to make them happy. But kids have to reflect on the experience and make the connections to feel that deep sense of gratitude. That’s where parents come in. According to the Raising Grateful Children research project at the University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill, parents play an important role in fostering a sense of gratitude in children. Parents can help their children notice when an act requires gratitude (like getting a gift) and helping the children think about the feelings associated with receiving something. Then, the child should be prompted to do something to recognize what the giver was intending. When this happens, a deep sense of gratitude can be achieved.

Showing gratitude can also apply to engaging in activities. Sometimes I take my daughter to a playdate or birthday party, and I can’t get her to leave. She is having fun, and I become a negotiator, giving five more minutes, ten more swings, or whatever she comes up with to stall leaving. Often, I have to pry her away as she protests. I get annoyed that she did not heed our departure time and resentful that she was not more grateful about the time she spent there. Instead, according to the Raising Grateful Children folks, I should remind her of her fun while there and how lucky she is to have friends who want to play with her and have her at their birthday parties. Then, I should ask her how she feels being around friends like that. Making that connection of getting her to think beyond her immediate experience may help build that sense of true gratitude.

A sense of gratitude has been associated with greater life satisfaction, better health, happiness, optimism, and satisfaction with social relationships, among other positive outcomes. As a dad, I want all of these for my daughter and more. So, I can’t sit back and let these missed opportunities for gratitude to slip by.

We are heading into Thanksgiving, and a day is set aside to be thankful, gather together, and eat yummy food. Many religions have the tradition of saying “grace” before the meal, thanking their deity for the food, and often including the hands that made the meal. Also, many people often go around the table to say what they are thankful for. Maybe this year, the conversation about what you are grateful for may extend to recognize the number of people who brought the food to the table. There is the cook, the earners of the money to pay for the food, the people at the store or the farmers’ market, the growers, the food manufacturers, the transporters, the harvesters, and more. And, of course, the Earth and Sun provide the soil, weather, and water to grow the food. Having kids recognize all the elements that came together so that the delicious meal can be eaten may help deepen a sense of gratitude.

With the holidays around the corner, there is time to practice building a sense of gratitude in children. Often, for kids, the holidays become about the presents and not about gratitude for the kindness of others. This year can be different.    

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Helping Kids Navigate the Complexities of Friendship

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This summer, I got a letter from my daughter at sleep-away summer camp:

 “Dear Daddy, There is someone in my cabin who is ANNOYING and SASSY. Miss you. Love, Sloan.”

The words all in capitals were written in the equivalent of 36-point font in an 8-year-old’s scrawl, and the letter set my wife and me on edge. My daughter’s words were code to us that she had conflicts with (at least) this one girl. The irony is that she is quick to make friends and is often the first friend of new kids.

The end of last school year became an ongoing elementary school telenovela with dramatic alliances, alleged betrayals, and exclusions. The amount of angst and drama amongst the boys and girls was astounding for third graders. I would hear about it in the morning, and my wife would get the newest episode in the afternoon. I think some of the ongoing plotlines may have resulted during active Covid isolation. So many children were deprived of regular interactions with their friends where relationships could ebb and flow, teaching kids how to get along with others without adult intervention. When the children could be back together in school, I think all that pent-up need for socialization left kids underskilled for forming and maintaining friendships. Research has shown that more children are showing signs of anxiety and depression post-Covid. As a result, kids may be more sensitive to what were minor slights or may be more worried about exclusion from friend activities.

In response to her letter, I immediately sent an email (which the camp delivers as a letter) giving her tips on why a kid might be annoying to other kids (e.g., fear, anxiety about new kids, etc.) and what she could do to cope or respond (e.g., ask her directly, avoid the person, or use an adult to help mediate). My wife and I then looked at the photos posted online to determine if there were signs of distress or isolation. There weren’t any. 

Nonetheless, given my daughter’s supporting role in the telenovela, my wife purchased a kid-oriented book for her on determining who your friends are and who are just people you know. Spoiler alert: Real friends don’t make you feel bad about yourself. Drama can be avoided if you recognize who are real friends.

The reports of conflict from our daughter usually come in the form of someone being “mean.” Mean has become a broad term to her that can connote that someone is not treating her nicely or fairly or that someone is not heeding her directions. As her father, I am “mean” when I force her to pick up her things or deny her candy 45 minutes before dinner. When she reports someone is “mean” to her, I try to break it down with her. She will report being called a name. Or, she will describe two friends wanting to spend time together without her and feeling excluded (or them telling her directly not to play with them). How was someone mean? A “mean” kid didn’t react well to getting “assistance” from her on schoolwork. Some of these instances might be legitimately kids being mean, and some might be in response to something that she did. Regardless, it is hard to see my daughter struggle with understanding the complexities of relationships, her role, and the roles of others. I know that these interpersonal struggles are part of her learning and building her skills in interacting with others. As a father, I want to step in and protect her from distress. And at the same time, I want to tell her to ignore the mean people (even though that tactic may not work). But the reality is that, as adults, we forget how central friendships are for kids.

In her kid way of coping, our daughter recently took out her freestanding punching bag and affixed a Post-it that said: Mean People. I think she was imitating something she had seen on a TV show, and I haven’t seen her use it yet with the Post-it. Regardless, I think she was seeking a way to deal with her internal frustration with her perceived “mean” people. Although hitting a punching bag may immediately relieve some of her frustration, she still needs regular practice dealing with the complexities of friendships. As her father, I can’t swoop in to fix everything. She must endure some drama to develop the necessary friendship skills.

As a dad, I know I can’t shy away from these conversations or leave them for my wife to coach. If I want to know what is happening in my daughter’s life, now and in the future, I need to know about the drama, support her in figuring out who is not a friend, and help her understand more about how to be a good friend.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Wake Up Sleepyhead! Back to school means back to morning routines.

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Good-bye, slower pace of summer, and hello to school bells and taking attendance! Welcome back to tightly scheduled mornings with the goal of getting kids to school on time and with the necessary supplies.

I am the designated morning driver, typically getting up first, taking a shower, and getting dressed. While I shower, my wife wakes our kid up to get her going, then begins to make her lunch and snack for the day. Once dressed, I check in on my daughter, and I likely find her doing one of the following:

• Still in bed, saying that she is just “so cozy.”

• In pajamas futzing with a toy.

• Half-dressed, moving at the pace of an anesthetized sloth while listening to the same audiobook she’s heard twenty times before.

I then have to begin the countdown of how much time she has left for breakfast and brushing her teeth. Often, this is met with a loud and snotty, “ I know, Dad.”

I pack my lunch and wolf down my breakfast while my wife prepares for the day. As my daughter strolls into the kitchen, she eats breakfast, reading or listening to the same audiobook, now in the kitchen, and moving at the pace of a slightly less anesthetized sloth. I ask her if she has all the necessary papers, folders, water bottle, sweatshirt, and so on that she needs for the day and am barely acknowledged. She is reminded to brush her teeth and do something to get her hair out of her face.

As I put my stuff together for a day of work I often hear my daughter singing or talking to herself as she finishes up, carefree and oblivious to the time constraints.

I know that I am responsible for getting her to school on time. Nowadays, with traffic, we have a short window of time to get on the freeway to make it through the stop-and-go of the morning commute on time. When we are late, I suspect my daughter likes the drama of going to the office at school, receiving a brightly colored tardy slip, and presenting it to her teacher with a flourish. Sigh. In the meantime, I am trying to embed lessons on preparedness, being responsible in gathering what you need, planning, and developing punctuality, among other lessons in the morning routine.

For parents of older children, a new law has been enacted for this fall, limiting the start time of middle schools to no earlier than 8:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m. for high schools. The intent of the law is in recognition of longstanding science that teens have a later sleep phase (awake later in the night and cognitively and physiologically wake up later in the morning) and need more time for sleep. Schools that have experimented before the law found that academic performance increases with later start times and that disciplinary problems are reduced. I want to think that, as kids get older, they become more responsible for themselves. But, I know plenty of parents of middle and high schoolers who would disagree. With the new law and the need for parents to get to work, it may be up to teens to get themselves ready and to school on time (or face the consequences). I am working on preparing my 8-year-old daughter for that inevitable reality in the future.

There are occasions when my daughter has an exciting activity the next day and, given her poor sense of time, will set the alarm on the smart speaker at an ungodly hour. After waking up the household, she will cheerily get herself moving and dressed because she has to get to her anticipated activity on time and reverse the cajoling her mom and me. Clearly, she can get herself up and moving, shedding her slothful ways when she wants to!

As a parent, it is hard to balance the drive to raise a kid who recognizes that punctuality is an indicator of caring about the event or activity with the reality that sometimes circumstances beyond our control make us late. As a result, like many parents, I will continue the dance of the morning routine and see you in the drop-off line at school, more or less on time.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Celebrating all kinds of courageous fathers

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Father’s Day is June 19, a day to recognize the contributions of fathers and all they do for families.  In many families, this celebration might include a special breakfast or barbeque, some homemade gifts from kids, or time for relaxation and fun. But, being a dad nowadays does not come with a rule book. Many families live farther away from one another, and so there are fewer role models for being a dad and for fathering. Media representation of dads is often of bumbling, inept fathers who know nothing about their kids and are terrified of being seen as unmanly for doing ordinary dad things.  Notably, former President Barack Obama once said, “Any fool can have a child. That doesn’t make you a father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.”

There are many dads out there who face challenges in raising children, and there are some courageous men out there who especially deserve recognition on this Father’s Day.

DADS OF SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN

Dads of children with special needs deserve extra recognition.  Kids with special needs require extra patience, put more demands for caregiving and attention, and require greater sacrifice from parents. Special needs can range from physical disabilities to kids on the autism spectrum to kids who have learning differences.  Dads, in these cases, become key players in providing care and ensuring kids are thriving as best they can. Caring for kids with special needs also necessitates better communication between parents to keep the family running.  The special needs of the child can become overwhelming, but these dads hold steadfast to their roles as dads, providing a nurturing environment to their kids, despite challenges.

IMMIGRANT FATHERS

Immigrant fathers are often raising children in a culture, and sometimes language, that is vastly different from their own experience.  They quickly learn what it is like to raise a child here in the United States and still instill the values and pride in their own cultural backgrounds.  Often, they work extra hard and long hours to provide for their families and make a better life for them.  For many immigrant fathers, there are many compromises made but they find fulfillment in seeing opportunities for their children.  They sacrifice aspects of their lives in order to build futures for their children here.

GAY DADS

Gay dads deserve special recognition.  These dads often jump through hoops to become fathers through surrogacy or adoption.  They choose to build families and care for children in a society that lacks sufficient acceptance and support for their efforts.  They recognize that they have love to give in raising children and have to plan how to do so in ways that other fathers do not.  These fathers who work this hard to achieve parenthood deserve recognition.

SINGLE DADS

Single dads who are raising children on their own, in the absence of a partner, merit recognition.  It doesn’t matter how they became single dads, just that they stepped up to care for their children.  These dads manage caring responsibilities, households, and jobs in a culture that has not made space for single dads.  The number of single dads is growing.  According to the US Census, in 2020, 20% of single parents were men, up from previous censuses.

DADS WITH SHARED CUSTODY

Similarly, dads who share custody should be recognized for becoming the master schedulers, negotiating time for children with the exes, and providing a home for children as well.  These dads are cognizant of their influence and responsibility for their children and are doing their best to put caring for children above the relationship issues with the ex.  I have seen dads who explain how rules may differ between the households but remind children how much they are loved in both settings.

DADS BY CHOICE

We should also give extra attention on Father’s Day to dads-by-choice.  These fathers are the stepfathers, live-in partners, “uncles,” and grandfathers who come to assert their roles as father figures by caring for children.  For some, this role can be nebulous and unfolds over time, and for others, this role can be the bonus gift for being with their romantic partner.  These guys can be the missing element from a kid’s life or could be the welcome addition, broadening the amount of social support for a kid in addition to the bio dad.  These dads choose to step in this role for the betterment of the child.

Sadly, in our society, fathers can walk away from taking care of their children and their families with relatively few penalties. It is a testament to the character of those who persevere. There are probably other kinds of dads I neglected to mention as well as the everyday dads who do their piece in raising children.  Fatherhood today is complex with competing demands and so, on this Father’s Day, take time to recognize and appreciate those dads who step up and demonstrate the courage of their character.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Celebrating the wonder that is mom’s purse

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It is in this month that we celebrate Mother’s Day and show our appreciation for mothers and everything they do.  But, as a dad, I also want to take a moment to recognize the wonderment that is the Mom Purse.

When I go out with my daughter, I have my wallet, keys, phone, a tissue, maybe some hair clips for her, and perhaps Chapstick, but I hate having things in my pockets. I try to take the fewest things possible.  However, when my wife is with us, and something is needed, items appear from her purse like Hermione Granger’s never-ending handbag from the Harry Potter movies. I have become dependent on my wife’s purse, knowing that there are band-aids, ibuprofen, a sewing kit, a shopping bag, candy and/or gum, tissues, wipes, hand sanitizer, a USB flash drive, a granola bar, a pen, and other mysterious items.  There might even be a potion or two.

I believe that the Mom Purse spans across generations. As a child, I remember my own mother’s purse, which held certain items reliably: Trident gum (Original, Fruit, or Spearmint only) that always tasted vaguely of perfume, one sample size of perfume, loose tissues, lipstick, an emory board, at least one cellophane-wrapped mint from a restaurant, one or two sugar packets, toothpicks in paper, a dime (to call for an emergency), and occasionally saltines. Yet, there was always a little excitement in being able to check my mom’s purse, in case there was a forgotten treat inside.

I know I could carry a Man Bag, with no threat to my cred as a dad, but I have not developed the habit of carrying these supplies and tools of parenting. Mostly, I can rely on the Mom Purse nearby (or even the Mom Purses of others).

When my daughter was little, we had the diaper bag backpack that I dutifully carried, full of diapers, ointment, extra clothes, changing pad, pacifier, wipes, extra plastic bags for when no trash was near, hand sanitizer, teething ring, a smaller container of formula and more that I am probably forgetting. Every outing was punctuated by the amount of stuff that needed to be carried–”just in case.”  Like many parents of young children, I became reliant on the backpack to contain all that was needed to soothe, clean, and calm an active toddler, assuring my wife that her purse was unnecessary.

One time, we were visiting a small children’s museum in Los Angeles with our then-toddler.  As she was enjoying the interactive exhibits, I noticed a dark stain on the bottom of her cute, pale green, summer romper. Given the allure of the museum activities, my wife and I quickly shuttled her to the family bathroom to resolve the situation.  Changing an active toddler in a confined space with exciting activities outside is a bit like wrestling with an octopus. Luckily, I had the backpack full of the necessary items, or so we thought. When I looked in the backpack, there was not a complete change of clothes–only a t-shirt. I took the romper off, with its big smear of the end product of breakfast, and tried to wash it off sufficiently, so she could wear it and go back out to play.  After five rounds of a hand dryer, the wetness was there, and the contrasting brown stain was plain to see. We finally decided that we would absorb the stares of the other parents and let her roam around in her diaper, hoping that there would not be a hull breach. The outing ended well, but since that day and to date, my wife and I always have a complete change of clothes in our cars for my daughter. The bag had failed us (or, we had failed the bag). And, the Mom Purse is never left behind.

I celebrate the Mom Purse as an extension of celebrating the mom. All the moms I know are prepared with various supplies in their purses.  As a consequence, the dads are free to not carry things or think about the “what ifs” because we know there are supplies nearby.  If there is ever a real disaster, I will happily shelter with a group of moms with big purses, whose contents will certainly keep us fed, clean, and bandaged.

The well-stocked Mom Purse is really emblematic of moms, in general, who lug around stuff not for themselves but for the care of others. Moms are selfless in sacrificing their own comfort to be sure the needs of others are met. Thank you, Moms, as Mom Purse schleppers, for thinking of the possibilities and needs of the rest of us. Happy Mother’s Day!

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

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