communication Archives - Monterey Bay Parent

Captive Car Conversations

By Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch | March 28, 2022

It can be hard to find time to catch up with our kids. The time we spend chauffeuring them around offers the perfect opportunity!

Like most parents, I spend a significant amount of time just shuttling my kid from one place to another. I had a friend post on social media after her teen got his driver’s license that her side job of over 20 years as a personal chauffeur was over. I sighed in envy. Like many of you, I do not enjoy battling the log jam of traffic to get my kid to school or lessons or friends’ houses. But, I have recognized that this time is when my kid is captive in my car and where I get to find out what is happening in my daughter’s life.

In these private moments, she tells me about her interactions at school. She reports on who is mean to her, who runs fast, and who got the stink eye from her teacher. She tries to teach me lessons by quizzing me on her times tables or division or my knowledge of an area of science that she learned in class. Often, I feign ignorance or make mistakes on purpose so that she can teach me what she knows. I also hear her musings as the car seat philosopher when she asks about human nature with questions like, “Why do some people not like each other because of their skin color?”

Recently NPR was on the radio with interviews with Ukrainians about the invasion. I thought she was reading, but then she asked what was happening. I provided an overview of the situation, to which she replied indignantly, “That is not okay!” In her eight-year-old way, I love that she understands these issues of social justice and that she is learning them from me.

Another time, in the morning traffic, a driver grew impatient and went around us and several cars in the emergency lane. The driver failed to notice the police officer ahead, who promptly pulled him over, presumably to write a ticket. Amid my cheers, my daughter asked what a ticket was. I explained how tickets work, penalize drivers, and how they cost money for insurance. I then explained the role of insurance. Had I tried to sit her down and explain insurance to her, she would not tolerate it. In the car and the moment, she was willing to learn.

We have had conversations about how cement trucks work, what to do in a tsunami, why fire trucks are red, and what she would do if she found a treasure chest. For a while, she was determined that her school was built on top of an old magical school and hypothesized how she and her friends could find clues that would reveal her school’s true origins. I made many queries about what has led her to think that and how she would know if it were true. As I sat behind the wheel, I learned her reasoning process. The ultimate solution was to look at an old map of Pacific Grove and start digging a hole to find an entry. I ultimately told her that the real magic was in her learning, and she rolled her eyes.

As kids get older, it becomes harder to get information about what is happening in their lives. It can be hard to find one-on-one time to have meaningful conversations. These little car conversations can help build relationships, establish trust, and stay connected.

There is even some research that for teenagers involved in sports, the conversations in the car ride home from practice or competition can be soothing, productive, and supportive. Teens have reported that these post-activity talks help them reflect on their performance and how to maintain a positive attitude amid poor performance. They also reported how parental feedback made the car ride more enjoyable and made them feel closer to their parents.

As a dad, these are private times to relish one-on-one interaction without my wife or my daughter’s friends being present. Sometimes, she will ask about my childhood experiences–like if I got into trouble or my older sister was mean to me. I answer her questions as honestly as possible (Yes, she was mean to me sometimes!). When she questions me, she is trying to know more about me and, I think, sees herself in me.

I still don’t like the traffic, but I like the company.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Talking About the Pandemic with Your Kids

By Monterey Bay Parent Editors | August 29, 2020

The pandemic has now been with us for almost six months, and no one knows when it’ll pass. How can parents talk to their kids about it in a way that’s realistic and helpful but doesn’t make them worry? Here’s what the experts say:

FIND OUT WHAT THEY KNOW & WHAT THEY WANT TO KNOW

Start the conversation by asking them, as child psychologists Drs. Felicity Sapp and Daniel Chorney put it, “what they know, what their worries are, and what they want to know.” This will help you: 1) clear up any misunderstandings (there are lots of false rumors circulating); 2) address the topics that concern them the most (some kids worry about what could happen to them, others are more anxious about their family and friends); and 3) assess how much information they can handle (some kids find comfort in knowing as much as possible while others prefer to know just what’s necessary. “Our challenge, as parents,” say child psychiatrists Drs. Karestan Koenen and Archana Basu, “is to consider all the information and then ask ourselves: what makes the most sense for my child?” Dr. Adam Weiss, a pediatrician, agrees: “the goal is to provide enough detail so they understand the situation and how to stay safe, but not cause them fear, confusion, or anxiety.”

ENCOURAGE THEM TO ASK QUESTIONS

No matter how well you explain the pandemic, your kids are likely to have a lot of questions. When kids ask questions, especially the same questions repeatedly, it’s rarely just because there’s something they don’t understand, but it’s because they’re worried. “Asking the same question over and over,” says Dr. Davis Fassler, a child psychiatrist, can be “a way for a child to ask for reassurance.” For example, if your kids keep asking why it’s so important that they wash their hands with soap every time they’ve been outside, it’s likely not because they don’t know the answer but because they’re concerned with whether they’re washing their hands well enough to protect them from the virus.

ACKNOWLEDGE UNCERTAINTY

Answer your kids’ questions and address their worries, but also acknowledge when they bring something up and you don’t have a good answer. “Given how much uncertainty there is,” Ms. Rachel Ehmke of the Child Mind Institute says, “try to be comfortable saying ‘I don’t know.’” Ms. Ehmke adds that it may be tempting to want to reassure your kids that things will be better soon, even when you aren’t sure yourself: “But teaching children how to tolerate uncertainty is key to reducing anxiety and helping them build resilience.”

OFFER REASSURANCE

You can’t promise your kids that the pandemic will be over soon, but you can help empower them by talking about what they can do, in their own small way, to fight it. As Dr. Jamie Howard, a child psychologist, puts it, “kids feel empowered when they know what to do to keep themselves safe.” This includes wearing a face mask at all times when they’re outside, following social distancing guidelines, and avoid touching their face and shaking hands with anyone.

However, don’t put too much pressure on your kids. Reassure them that many smart adults (like public health experts and science researchers) are working hard to fight the pandemic and develop a vaccine. “When you reassure children that the adults are managing the situation,” says Dr. Jamie Aten, a child psychologist, “you give them permission to be kids.”

Tanni Haas, Ph.D. is a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences, and Disorders at the City University of New York – Brooklyn College.

How to Talk to your Children about Injustice

By Susan Meister | June 26, 2020

There is a song from the famous 1958 musical, “South Pacific,” that says a lot about the world we find ourselves in at this very moment. Here is the first verse:

You’ve got to be taught

to hate and fear

You’ve got to be taught

from year to year….

You’ve got to be taught to be afraid

Of people whose eyes are oddly made

And people whose skin is

a diff’rent shade

You’ve got to be carefully taught.

Most of you reading this would never even suggest to your children that they should dislike or be afraid of anyone who does not look like them. Most of us would deny that we have any prejudices at all, and thus would surely never pass them on to our children.

However, valid studies show that we all have what is called implicit biases. Implicit biases are prejudices that unconsciously affect our decisions, even if they do not align with our declared beliefs. Everyone has such biases, whether they involve characteristics such as race, ethnicity, age, or appearance. They are molded over the course of a lifetime beginning at a very early age. How early? The song continues:

“You’ve got to be taught

before it’s too late

Before you are six or seven or eight…”

And this is what is startling. Young children, beginning as early as six months, favor people who look like their caregivers. They register differences in color, gender, and even age. As they grow, they refine their perceptions through the books they are read, the television characters they see, the movies they watch. Through a combination of what they hear and see at home and what they observe around them, they develop their own preferences for the people who surround them. Clearly, if a white child rarely plays with a black child, or goes to a school that is predominantly white, or reads comics in which the heroes are mostly white and the bad people are black, their view of the world order will be very different from children who have been brought up with multicultural exposure. Even with such exposure, there are many counter influences that surround us, such as those television shows and movies already mentioned, the books they read, and even the way certain news is covered. The environment is rarely devoid of racial or gender bias; it is our response to it when we see it that counts. That response is evident even to the youngest child.

Certainly the books that are read to young children, even the toys they play with, can be highly influential, and for a long time, there were few that addressed inclusivity. This, fortunately, is changing. Major toy manufacturers are offering black dolls instead of the procession of white, blonde, Barbie types and there is evidence that this change affects children’s response to racial differences in a positive way. The highly influential animation industry is also altering many of the character types that forge children’s perceptions of race and gender. Still, it is in the home that the greatest impact on those perceptions is made.

At what age should a discussion of racial prejudice be addressed directly? There is evidence that children as young as 9 are acutely aware of racial attitudes. They are by that time introduced to the internet, and may even be seeing social media. One of the recommendations by Dr.Nzinga Harrison, a specialist in children and race, serious discussions prompted by parents are appropriate for elementary school children. They could begin with something like, “Let’s talk about people who are different from us.” Inevitably the topic of how kids who look different are often treated differently will come up. In this context, it’s an advantage to relate it to someone your child may know. “For example, let’s talk about your friend Kai. How would you feel if you saw him treated unfairly just because he is black?” Or, “have you ever seen a friend of yours treated badly because of the color of his skin?” That provides an opportunity for your child to provide his or her own examples. Then, “How would you feel if this was a member of your family?” Chances are, your child has been exposed to some form of prejudice — perhaps it’s a disabled child in the class, or one from an immigrant family who is dressed differently or speaks with an accent. Your child undoubtedly will have opinions, and this is your opportunity to affirm them. Such an approach encourages not only openness but empathy, and empathy is a roadmap to inclusivity.

Anti-racism is not about living without prejudice: implicit bias is inescapable. The true anti-racist is a person who commits to fighting racism even when it is noted to be within. We are not automatons but human beings with conflicting emotions, not all of which we are proud. The manner in which we process and act on these emotions will influence how equitable the world is. This is not a time to allow obvious incidents of injustice to go unremarked.

As parents, we can start early in our children’s lives to help them realize that they have an impact on how caring, compassionate, and fair the world they inhabit will be if they act with honor and courage towards those who are victims of discrimination in any form. If we achieve this, we will have achieved something that lasts a lifetime, something that will perhaps prevent spectres of the tragedy that surround us now. Change is past time. If we start with educating our children that to be inclusive is to be just, to empathize with those who are treated unfairly just because they are different from us, is to be human in the best sense. If we achieve this over the course of generations, we will truly change the world.

Susan Meister is a journalist, columnist, and community activist living in Pebble Beach. Susan’s writing was recognized with the 2020 Bronze Award for service writing from the Parenting Media Association.

Racial Bias: Starting the Conversation With Our Kids

By Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch | June 26, 2020

I hate explaining to children how the world is unfair. Children, in their limited abilities for perspective-taking, believe that their experience is what everyone else experiences and so they see things as being the same for everyone. Recent events have forced me to describe how people are treated differently because of their skin color. Up to this point, my wife and I have been fortunate that our daughter has not made racial or ethnic distinctions in her interactions with others. At one point, her one distinction among her racially diverse friends was between kids with straight hair and those with curly hair (she fell into the latter until her hair grew long). However, I know that not having to address racial and ethnic differences is a privilege. We don’t have to start giving her the warnings of how to act, the cautionary tales of how to speak, and the coaching that parents of children of color have to do for their safety. At the same time, my wife and I are trying to build skills in an already outspoken kid to become an advocate for those mistreated or don’t feel they can speak up. For a six-year-old girl, this means reminding her to be an “includer” with friends and to tell an adult when she sees someone being treated poorly or unfairly. We’re also trying to stamp out any traces of becoming a “mean girl” as they pop up, helping her figure out the complexities of relationships fairly. As parents, we take her to all kinds of cultural events, cuisine, and activities–but I know this is not enough.

Social media and the professional circles I am in are fraught with advice on how to talk to children about race and ethnicity. Many parents have wondered how young to talk about race. Research has found that children can start showing racial bias as young as four and that the best thing to do is to be open to discussing race. When questions arise, they should be addressed directly, noting the biases and inequities that have continued. I also think that children benefit from understanding what they can do to help a situation. If, as parents, we just say that is the way things are, then children will believe that bias, discrimination, and inequity are part of life and should be accepted. In any discussion of race, it will help kids tell them what they can do to address these situations. This action might mean going to protests, learning about diverse cultures, and practicing inclusive skills.

The media coverage of George Perry Floyd has often neglected to mention that he was a father of three children–two grown children and a six-year-old child. A father was killed. As a father, he had a role in children’s lives, and now, these children are deprived of their father and face overwhelming attention about his tragic death. For the children, his life with them was central, and that presence may be shrouded by what happened to him. At the same time, the stepson of Officer Derek Chauvin is being affected by a father figure who participated in a highly publicized criminal matter. While grappling with the bigger implications of the tragic evidence of systemic racism, I think about the emotional tolls for all involved families. We may not know the impacts of these lost fathers.

Our area has a veil of diversity, and many people may not be aware (or choose not to be aware) of the discrimination that does occur. One local father wrote about his anxiety and preparation in wearing a mask in public as a man of color. As someone who is White, I never think that anyone in public will think I am doing something wrong by wearing a mask. I never think that going out in a mask may result in me being arrested or killed. This ability to not concern myself with how others see my behavior when I am wearing a mask is a privilege point. Marc Quarles, an African American dad in Pacific Grove, was featured in a story in 2014 on NPR for his six-word story: “With kids, I’m Dad; Alone, thug.” Quarles accurately captures how fatherhood humanizes the image of individuals as well as the everyday discriminatory experience of people of color.

As fathers, it is our job now to work with others to bring these issues to public attention as well as educate our children on how to behave better and how to bring about change. The future can change the inequities of the past and present. During the protests, a multiracial friend of mine who has a son the same age as my daughter posted his picture on social media, pointing out that he too might become a victim in the future just because of the way he looked. No parent should have to think such thoughts. Together, we can make a better future.

Parenting Teens The Conscious Way

By Monterey Bay Parent Editors | August 8, 2019

Let’s be honest: life can be tough, and it is crucial for parents to understand that it is even tougher for teenagers with their changing brains. According to Dr. Dan Siegel, the bestselling author of Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, when it comes to parenting teenagers, it is essential to understand teens behave and feel the way they do because of the extraordinary changes in the development of their brain; not because they “lost their mind.” They test boundaries and explore the unknown —the traits that are essential for character building and purposeful living. This is their time for novelty seeking, creative explorations, intense emotions, and social engagement. It is a natural time for our children to push away from us, find their sovereignty, and move towards their peers. It is essential to accept that they no longer look at us as flawless heroes but actual people with limitations.

The more we accept the natural states of our teenager’s brain, the more we are empowered to accept the situation to make wise and compassion-based choices rather than reacting based on defense mechanisms, familial and societal shoulds and shouldn’ts, and our own unhealed wounds. This practice is the pillar of conscious parenting. Shefali Tsabary Ph.D., the bestselling author of The Conscious Parent, illustrates this in her teachings when she says, “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini-me.” Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”

It is imperative to understand people “misbehave” or “feel bad” when one or more of their basic psychological needs of autonomy, competence, and connectedness are not being met. Therefore, one of the best strategies is to get curious and attempt to fulfill these unmet needs. Most of the time, connecting with ourselves and our children can do the job. That is why mindfulness practices are necessary to train our brain to separate us from our knee-jerk reactions to respond with empathy and effectiveness.

Without practice, our ego can get the better of us and leaves us stranded with short-term solutions such as punishment and reward or yelling and threatening. There is no denying that these strategies might get the job done in the short run. However, a conscious parent needs to ask what is it that is being accomplished by adopting these short-term techniques. Some questions that can help you make better choices in both the current situation and in the future include:

What am I teaching my kids at this moment?

Do I want my kids to do the same thing to a younger sibling or another person?

If I deny my children’s emotions and current states, am I not teaching them to sweep their feelings under the rug in the long-run?

Dr. Shefali Tsabary offers the best advice for raising teens when she says: “Release your attachments to how things “ought” to be and instead surrender to how they actually are.” What great advice for all of us as we navigate the sometimes complicated tween and teen years with our children.

is a Ph.D. candidate in performance psychology, a certified transformational coach, and a mindful living conscious parenting educator. Call (831) 915-9438 for your complimentary 30-minute session.