I know I should have some positive, upbeat way to describe the last few weeks of dealing with COVID-19, social distancing, and shelter in place, but I don’t. It has sucked.
The hardest part, I think, has been the lingering and building anxiety. For a dad, these feelings of anxiety may be unusual. Men typically don’t experience as much anxiety as do women. When men do experience anxiety, they alleviate their anxious feelings through physical activities such as exercise, for which opportunities are now limited. Also, men often derive their friendships through work relationships, which are now remote or distanced. So, these feelings of anxiety are especially disconcerting.
As restrictions and social distancing accelerated, shopping left me in an anxious state. There is so much planning for what used to be a casual, relaxed, family activity. Now, my wife and I strategize as to what time to go, if the supply of necessary items at home is low enough to venture out, and who will go in. If she is the emissary, then I start thinking about how I would cope with her getting ill and how my six-year-old daughter might respond. If I go in, I become hyper-aware of how physically close people are and try to be as efficient as possible to get in and out in the least amount of time, touching as few surfaces as possible. I take a few deep breaths and calm myself down as I exit. I don’t think my experience is unusual these days.
At the same time, as dads, we have to put on a brave face and, as Governor Newsom has said, meet the moment. This means we have to forge ahead and do what needs to get done to keep our families functioning.
I am fortunate that my work responsibilities have shifted online. I don’t have to go out and put myself and my family at risk of becoming ill by entering a workplace. However, like many now work-from-home parents, I have to seek out a quiet place to attend to as many tasks as possible and have had to step out of online meetings because my child was whining to get my attention. The pressure of attending to work responsibilities and child care demands in a confined space and at the same time is a real challenge. But, I’m trying to let those lesser work tasks slide and keep the pace of schoolwork flowing so that my daughter’s brain doesn’t become mush. And I try to give my wife some uninterrupted time to do her work too. Every day, I remind myself that it won’t stay like this, and we, as a family, will persevere.
It is hard to understand what it is like for an essential worker father who has to leave his family to go to his job. Those employees allow the rest of us to get groceries, pick up medication, get food, or get packages delivered. For that dad, I imagine it takes real effort to push down the anxiety of getting exposed to the virus and bringing it back to the family. To those fathers, there aren’t enough thank yous. I also advise those dads to talk about what it is like to have to do that for your family. Sharing what you’re feeling in leaving and going to work may lessen the anxiety and pressure you may feel.
The fathers who are now feeling anxiety over household finances because of the loss of a job or income deserve our compassion. I think dads, by nature, are doers, getting things done to provide for the family. So, not having a job, not being able to work, and not being able to hustle to find a new job to fill the gaps strikes at the heart of being a dad. I hope those who are in this situation are seeking all the resources available to make it through this situation. This anxiety over the financial future can leak over into the interactions in the family. It is crucial to keep up the optimism that things will get better to ensure that these adult concerns don’t get absorbed by children and adolescents who have fewer abilities to address them.
The hardest part for me is not knowing what is going to happen. I find myself thinking a lot about the serenity prayer that is often used at 12-step meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” We have to accept that the precautions we are taking now will keep our families and our communities healthy to thrive in the future. We also have to accept that it will continue for a while, but we do have the power to make shelter in place and social distancing less difficult for the children.
As dads, we can do what we need to protect and provide for our families, including acknowledging our anxieties and caring for our loved ones.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 6-year-old daughter and reside in Marina. Rob’s writing was recently recognized with the 2020 Gold Award from the Parenting Media Association.
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