There are times when I am talking to my daughter, hearing the words from my mouth, and I realize that I sound like my mother. My parenting is deeply rooted in how I was parented and particularly by my mother.
With Mother’s Day this month, I think of five things I learned from her:
1. Show you care about others in small ways. My mother is the kind of person who, when she travels, buys trinkets for loved ones. When she visits, there are small gifts of things on sale, giveaways she thought we would like, or items she remembered we said we wanted. From growing up, I learned about the importance of showing others what you think of them.
I am not a trinket-buyer. However, I do a large chunk of grocery shopping, and sometimes, I buy a new product or something I think my daughter will find interesting. When I return, my daughter will ask, “Did you buy any treats?” You’ve never seen a child so excited over sour gummy fruit snacks, but I think she recognizes that someone was thinking about her like my mother did (and continues to do) for me.
2. Recognize the person who your kid is, audibly. My mom is one of my biggest fans. As I grew up, she regularly commented positively on the work I did. But, she commented not just on the hard work but also on the kind of person I was. She told me I was intelligent, creative, clever, talented, etc. Although my face would redden when she would say these things, it was a good reminder that she had faith in me and saw the best version of who I was. Like many people, there were times when it felt like other kids didn’t recognize these traits. But, my mom was unwavering. As a dad, I have learned that, just as my mother praised the person I was, I do the same with my daughter. I am quick to remind my daughter of her creativity, sense of humor, fearlessness, compassion, and ability to bring people together. Like my mom did, I want to be sure that my daughter knows that I see her for the person she is.
3. Try new experiences. I grew up in a solidly working-class family, where we did not have a lot of money for extras, but my mother found ways to introduce new activities. She once got discounted tickets for a strange theater performance of a sad clown who did not speak for 45 minutes but pantomimed to violin music. At intermission, my sister and I begged to leave, but mother had us stay. After the “play” resumed, the clown dashed off stage and burst into the lobby. Moments later, the sad clown flung open the doors and uttered the only words of the whole play, “Donuts! Donuts!” and threw donuts, frisbee-style, into the audience. After that, he started interacting with the audience, leaving us laughing. My mother also took us to the roller derby because we liked roller skating. To see something different, we went to see Wrestlemania IV live. From her attitude, I think I have also embraced that notion with my parenting. In our family, we take advantage of the breadth of activities in our area (when they were open). As a family, we have taken tours of a mushroom farm, attended open houses at the local research labs, attended cultural festivals like Dia de Los Muertos, the Obon Festival, and the Jewish Food Festival, been to events during car week, and probably others that I am forgetting. The point is that, like my mother, I am trying to convey the idea that there is a wide diversity of experiences out there. You never know when donuts may fly through the air.
4. Have a positive attitude towards learning. I always remember my mother taking a class. When we first got a microwave oven, she took a class on microwave cooking. When she wanted to transition out of being a secretary, she took classes to become a mortgage broker. She would take all the education classes they offered when she went on a cruise. In her 50’s, she took courses at a community college, one or two classes at a time, to get her A.A. Now, in her later 70’s, she is pursuing her Bachelor’s degree as a junior at Cal State Northridge, majoring in Psychology. She has demonstrated to me that there is always something to learn and that learning leads to self-improvement. I think that a positive attitude towards learning has sunk in when my daughter can barely contain herself to tell me what she learned watching “Operation Ouch!” or something she learned from the main school lesson for the day.
5. Affection is expected. My mom is a hugger and a kisser. A hug and kiss are required upon arrival and departure (even as an adult). When something good happened, there was a kiss and a hug. When I was sick, my mom would take my temperature by putting her lips on my forehead to determine my level of illness, which ended with a kiss. Even at the age when affection was considered embarrassing by me, it was still administered with the warning, “I’m still your mother.” There were also those times when I was stressed over some aspect of adolescent triviality that the kiss good night was indeed a reminder that some relationships are constant. The physical interaction between parents and children has meaning–it reinforces the relationship, it provides appropriate intimacy, and it reminds you that you are loved. I make sure that my affection is expressed freely to my daughter.
Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, my wife, and to all the moms reading!
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.
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