It is hard to describe the instant love that occurs when you first become a father. It is sort of like winning an award for a 9-month long project (Mothers deserve the larger prize, hands down). At the end of the project, you are left with this little person, trying to get to know their unfolding personality.

The early days of infancy are terrifying, exhilarating, sleepless, and janitorial. Many men become dads without much experience caring for babies. When growing up,  boys are not routinely given infant care tasks. I hope this pattern is on the decline so that boys become men who have been around babies and have a better understanding of what to do. One research study found that men feel a strong sense of responsibility as fathers. Unfortunately, they also report feeling they lacked “the skills, experience, support, and recognition needed to be fathers.”

When my daughter was an infant, despite having baby care experience, being older, and having an advanced degree, I still was uncertain of how to provide care “correctly.” I took cues from my more confident wife’s on diaper changes for girl anatomy, on burping technique after feeding, and on swaddling (I don’t think I ever quite mastered it, to be honest). Research also supports that new fathers often feel uncertain about establishing their role while bonding with their infant. And, 10-18% of new fathers have reported depression or anxiety symptoms just after their child’s birth. Becoming a new dad is a different challenge than it is for new moms.

From my experience, book learning, and talking to other fathers, I offer the following to new dads:

1. Sleep when you can. After having a baby sleep through the night for several months and then abruptly shift to waking up a few times a night, my wife and I sought help. Early on, we learned that being sleep deprived made it much harder to function and communicate with one another, let alone care for a baby. My wife went to a parenting class where the instructor advised, “Do whatever you can to give the most people the most sleep.” We took this advice to heart. So, that meant that if our daughter wanted to sleep in the swing, she could nap in the swing. If I needed to nap in the recliner with the baby next to me, then that happened. If one of us needed to sleep in another room, we did. You will learn how to help the baby sleep better and find ways to help him or her relax. Sleep is critical for everyone.
2. Do your part. It may seem that the mom’s role leaves little room for you to interact with the baby. If this happens, suck it up and do those supportive tasks that keep your household running, so that baby can get the attention they need. That means cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, changing diapers, etc., to free up time to attend to the baby.
3. Make time to be with the baby. When there are opportunities to care for the baby one-on-one, do so. Feed, change and bathe baby when you can, and you will feel the ongoing bond building. You will also grow more confident in taking care of the baby. Making time also means you may have to assert your role as an equal parent.
4. Care for the baby your way. You do not have to replicate and do everything exactly as your partner does. When I burped my infant daughter, my patting technique on the back was much firmer than was my wife’s, which she would tell me each time. But, my way was effective and worked for what it was intended. At the same time, I was more comfortable holding the baby on one arm, upside down (i.e., a “football hold”), which my wife found precarious. But, it worked to soothe our daughter. We negotiated these differences as our daughter grew. Even today, some things are done “daddy style” and some “mommy style.”
5. Talk with your partner. The transition to parenthood can shift your relationship. Moms still bear the responsibility of more care for infants and can feel the stress of round-the-clock care (particularly if breastfeeding). Your relationship goes from a couple to a trio (or more), with the littlest one demanding most of the attention. Each of you may be uncertain about the job you are doing with the baby and about what the future may hold. You may also be balancing work and other demands. It is important to spend time talking about how things are going, about plans for activities, and about working together. Talk about how you feel about being a father. Talk about what you want for the future. Talk about what you have learned about your baby. Share the funny things that have occurred. All of this communication will strengthen your connection to one another.

Finally, accept help when offered and ask for it when needed. Most parents are willing to share their tips and successes. There is no shame in reaching out and asking others what they have done to become a better parent. The best way to express your love is to become the best parent you can.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.