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The Importance of Grandparents

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As I write this, I am making arrangements to attend my 98-year-old grandmother’s funeral back East. She lived a full life and was able to be part of her grandchildren’s and great-grandchildren’s lives. So, I can’t help but think about the influence of grandparents in children’s lives.

Grandparents provide opportunities for learning about them and from them. I learned how to play card games from my grandparents. Card games were typical activities for her generation, and I was taught your proficiency was an indicator of your maturity and your character. Until I could demonstrate the ability to hold my hand correctly and make wise decisions in playing cards, I was not allowed to play with the adults. So I had to improve my skills and master strategy. She and my grandfather taught me all kinds of card games—canasta, gin rummy, king’s corners, thirteens, 21, poker, and more, sometimes with less-than-gentle coaching, which made my winning all the more triumphant. Also, my grandmother’s retelling of stories of the past were dramatic reenactments, like a Broadway monologue in accented English, and taught me how to tell a story. She also showed me the value of money, as learned from her experience by being cautious with her spending. Paper towels were rinsed and reused, the butter area of the fridge was filled with unused, foil-covered pats of butter from the senior center, and twist ties were saved in baggies, just in case. She radiated pride in all her children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren by being a source of support and acceptance for everyone. Her ability to persevere and remain optimistic about life is something that I aspire to and hope to instill in my own daughter.

My daughter has been lucky to have had relationships with all her grandparents (and bonus grandparents because of the remarriages of my wife’s parents and my own parents). Each grandparent has their own title (Grandpa, GoGo, Bobe, etc.), and each one has had separate, supportive relationships with her despite their distance. My wife and I have recognized that grandparents often provide gifts and experiences that are indulgent. From her parents, my daughter gets a heavy dose of no’s to purchases and activities. So, from her grandparents, she gets the experience of yeses and feeling special by the attention. My grandparents, when they would visit, would take my sister and me to Disneyland every year, and my wife got new roller skates or a bike and new clothes every summer she visited her grandparents. These acts were not about purchasing things—they were about the recognition of putting the kids’ interests and desires in the center and reminding us that we mattered. My daughter gets to experience mattering from her grandparents, who provide support for who she is and who she is becoming.

Indeed, research has shown that grandparent–grandchild interaction is related to better cognitive and social–emotional outcomes for grandchildren. Grandparents are often role models, discuss appropriate behavior, and provide advice and emotional support. Involved grandparents can also work with parents to enforce consistent norms and monitor children’s activities. Grandparents serve as buffers between parents and grandchildren when parent–child relationships are strained. And grandparents can provide free childcare. Research is consistent that kids benefit from relationships with grandparents.

My daughter is gaining so much from her grandparents. She gets playmates who will teach her the rules of a game and let her win (sometimes). She gets to have trustworthy people who she can regale with stories, true or not, of happenings at school. She gets a willing audience for showing off new dance routines or art creations. She also gets to have a special adult who she can tell secrets to away from her parents. She gets presents in the mail for birthdays and holidays. She gets lots of caring and more hugs and kisses.

As I pack my bags and ready myself for goodbye to my own grandmother, I reflect on how much she provided support, even at a distance,  just by believing in me.  I know that my 10-year-old is not cognizant of how much she values her relationships with her grandparents.  But, from my own experience, she will.

Robert (Rob) S. WeisskircH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Volunteering is Good For Families

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Recently, my family volunteered at an apple tasting (BTW, 73 varieties–it happens every year through the Monterey Bay California Rare Fruit Growers). Our job was to help set up the tables, open the canopies, stage the outdoor venue, and cut a whole lot of apples. Our ten-year-old quickly found apple cutting boring but sought a way to contribute by highlighting the new apples on the rating sheets, putting rating sheets on clipboards, helping to count people coming in, and greeting people as they entered. When not “on duty,” she freely partook of the snack table for volunteers. She had previously attended as a guest, enjoying the apples and the event. Now, she was part of the team to make the activity happen, got to participate in the public’s enjoyment, and was thanked for her contribution.

Research supports that volunteering has direct benefits, such as improved well-being, health, and self-esteem. Volunteering also builds pro-social behaviors (i.e., positive behaviors supported by society) in children. There is some evidence that children who volunteer in their communities feel a greater sense of obligation to make their community better. I hope my daughter’s experience makes her realize she can make change happen in the community by giving her time and effort.

A few weeks ago, I volunteered for a school field trip. The field trip was just a walking trip to the public library, and it was fun to interact with the range of kids in the class. The other dad volunteer, and I, in conjunction with the teacher, worked to keep the kids corralled and moving en route to the library. Once in the library, we helped the kids search for books for their research topics and generally stayed within the designated areas at an appropriate volume of noise. As they finished checking out books, we went to the adjacent park to eat a snack and begin returning to school. I got to observe my daughter in her “natural” environment–walking with her friends, seeing with whom she engaged, and how she interacted with others. Along the way, I also chit-chatted with a range of kids. I got to know them more, and they got to know me informally. These interactions help kids feel as though there are many adults they know and care for in their lives. In research studies, kids feeling as though they have a network of adults has been associated with greater self-esteem and has been noted as a protective factor against engaging in risky behaviors.

As part of a religious school, my daughter’s class hosts meals for I-HELP, a local agency that provides meals and a place to sleep for unhoused men enrolled in their program. As a class parent, I coordinated the sign-ups for the food items. In addition, my wife and daughter worked together to prepare items as our contribution–they made homemade cupcakes, including the decorating style of a ten-year-old. She knew why they were preparing the items, and my wife was clear that they were making these from scratch because the unhoused men deserved to have delicious, homemade items. By engaging in these activities, I think we are building her sense of charity, helping the less fortunate, and treating others with the dignity they deserve. By volunteering in this capacity, she is learning values we hope she adopts.

The holiday season brings volunteering opportunities. There are various activities, from food drives, preparing and serving meals, donating coats and toys, raising money for good causes, and participating in winter carnivals and holiday craft fairs. Many volunteer opportunities can readily include kids.

Sometimes, it takes work to find time and motivation to volunteer. Rearranging work responsibilities or taking time off may not be realistic, and volunteering off work time may not seem appealing. However, the payoff is worthwhile. Kids can realize their good fortune and the importance of improving the community and environment by giving their time. As a family, I plan to volunteer in a soup kitchen in the near future and up our direct-service volunteering. I hope you will, too.

Robert (Rob) S. WeisskircH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

How Music Can Clue Parents in on a Child’s Emerging Identity

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During adolescence, most kids start to form a sense of who they are as individuals–what we know of as their sense of identity. Identities don’t just show up one day, they emerge from childhood experiences, parental and family cultivation, and kids’ interests and personalities, among other aspects. Adolescence is often the center of identity formation and continues well into adulthood. Many of us can recall the changing of clothing styles, interests, activities, and the attention paid to fitting in and belonging to figure out who we are. One thing I always point to as an early sign of identity development is when kids become “musically aware” (my term)–when kids start listening to their own choice of music and want to control the music that is heard in the car and at home. As a parent, I now have to negotiate with a ten-year-old for what we listen to–and I can see glimmers of her identity starting to come into tune.

Her choices in music emerge from a combination of sources including from my wife who listens to more current music than I do. Some of my daughter’s choices stem from music her friends discuss, some from kids from summer camp, and some from video shorts she watches with background music and accompanying dances. She has created a playlist of songs on a streaming service from the music she’s heard. My daughter has become a “Swifty,” listening to Taylor Swift songs and singing along loudly. If a certain song comes on the radio in the car, I am told to “turn it up” and am given an elementary-school version of Carpool Karaoke. She will also regularly quiz me on who is singing whatever song is playing, which I fail nearly every time. These assertions about the songs she likes and doesn’t like are part of her internal process of figuring out who she is.

As her musical tastes provide evidence, she is navigating her path and planting the seeds of a growing identity. She is moving increasingly towards becoming her own person and choosing to be the person she wants to be–and listening to the music that appeals to her.

My wife and I are cognizant in trying to shape the values and ideals we hope our daughter adopts into the person she will become. We talk about how we treat others is a reflection of who we are. We regularly remind her to speak to us as her parents when she gets “sassy” (I am using a gentle term for this behavior). We remind her of how to treat her grandparents, whom she will sometimes take for granted. We tell her about being aware of kids who are new or are reluctant to join. We encourage the positive traits we see her display, like confidence, bravery in performing, and kindness towards others, and dissuade her from holding on to the undesirable ones, like being deceitful with us or lacking in manners at the dinner table. At the same time, she is trying to figure out relationships with others and will ask, “How come so-and-so does this?” My wife and I then try to posit some suggestion or possible rationale and leave her with, “Do you want to be that kind of person?” This query helps her clarify how she wants to present herself.

As a toddler, my daughter had favorite songs she would request ranging from “Goldfish” by the Laurie Berkner Band to AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” (all about the intro)–but these selections were not because she connected who she is to the music but more about the novelty of the tune. Now, we hear her preference for female-fronted power and pop ballads–Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Meghan Trainor–as well as popular bands like Imagine Dragons and AJR and with a sprinkling of sea shanties and assorted Disney movie songs. I don’t mind her choices, and I think we’ve steered her away from songs with explicit lyrics. It is easy to see that her connection to the music she likes is increasing.

She will likely put on earbuds or headphones and retreat from sharing her music choices at some point. Until that happens, I will happily listen to “Shake it Off” again.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Five Things I’ve Learned in Raising a Ten-Year-Old

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Recently, my daughter turned 10, putting her into the double digits and moving her into the second decade of life. The next ten years will bring changes like puberty, physical growth, romantic relationships, complex schoolwork, high school, a driver’s license, and college. But, reflecting, I have learned a few things in raising a kid to 10 that can help others.

1. Teach your toddler to blow their nose. Yes, my 10-year-old has mastered nose-blowing. However, early in toddlerhood, my wife and I struggled to help our daughter through colds. We had that rubber suction ball thing that she resisted and just made our attempts to help her worse. Once she recovered, we found videos on how to teach your child to blow their nose out (it involved blowing a feather with air through their nose). Once we practiced and she learned, it saved us during the countless streams of colds that young children get and helped avoid many ear infections. As a 10-year-old, she now knows to carry tissues when recovering from a cold and how to care for her health.

2. Expose kids to a wide range of food flavors. When our daughter was in preschool, they provided food. Some of the food was novel for the kids, and the teachers were good about saying that the children had to take “one polite bite.” We carried that notion home. At new cuisine restaurants, we have offered her no penalty to order something that sounds interesting (with a little parental coaching). As a result, our daughter has developed a broad palate and a willingness to try all kinds of foods. I think too many parents think that children won’t like strongly flavored foods, but, in reality, kids across the globe are eating the food and flavors of their parents. As a side benefit, we can find places to eat anywhere we go and do not only require the availability of hot dogs, grilled cheese, and chicken nuggets.

3. Kids should be able to engage in transactions with adults in service roles. This means that kids can order food in a restaurant, purchase it in a store, and check a book out of the library. In a restaurant, children can speak to adults who will listen to their requests, a relatively rare opportunity in a kid’s world, and gain independence and autonomy by ordering food to their liking. But these are skills that need to be practiced. My appreciation goes to the patient sales associates who allow a child to count out coins to purchase items with their own money. Librarians are inherently patient with kids and will do anything to support their love of books. Kids can feel a sense of accomplishment at navigating the outside world by interacting with adults in service roles. Yes, kids may still need support from parents, but children need the chance to demonstrate these independence skills.  

4. Kids should have chores and basic cleaning. One of our daughter’s chores is emptying the dishwasher. Her protests and whining convey her distaste for this chore, and she reminds us of her dislike nearly every time, especially when it interrupts her screen time. Nonetheless, it is part of her contribution to household management. At times, she will try to assert compensation for emptying the dishwasher (e.g., an allowance); however, we decline, reminding her that her chore is part of her contribution to the maintenance of the household. By giving her this regular chore, she is learning that she has a role in maintaining our living space, and, at the same time, she is learning that we have faith in her capabilities and in her working independently to get the task done. By at least age ten,  kids can clean the bathroom, wash dishes, load and unload the dishwasher, wash a car, make their bed, fold laundry and put it away, change a younger sibling’s diaper, and more. Kids need opportunities to practice these basic life management skills.  

5. Teach persistence. My daughter often thinks every drawing she makes is a masterpiece, each cartwheel a perfect 10, and her guitar practice song is in tune. But they are not. Many children want to be instantly good at whatever endeavor and lack the understanding that mastery comes from hard work and practice. I have continued to provide healthy feedback to my daughter about progress when she does work hard to improve. At the same time, we battle against her burgeoning sense that some kids are just good at some things (and she is not). So, our current refrain continues to be about working hard at a task to improve and giving her opportunities to demonstrate when she thinks she has made progress. In gymnastics, we have noted that she worked hard to master skills and was allowed to move up a level. In her guitar lessons with her practice, we pointed out that she could now learn those Taylor Swift songs with mastery of the chords. By investing in her budding persistence, I am hoping this will carry her through the next decade of challenges. 

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Kids, Friendship, and Goals

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Recently, I was putting clothes away in my daughter’s room and noticed that she had pinned the following note onto the bulletin board above her bed (BTW, spelling is a work in progress):

Improvement Goals

1. Be nicer

2. Don’t be rude to anyone

3. Be a chiller

4. Don’t be sensitive to hurtful words from bullies. (Stand up to _____________)

5. Be honest for a week at a time starting at 7/6/23 & 9:52 PM

I don’t know where she has picked up the idea of making a list of her “improvement goals,” but I am kind of proud that, as a 9-year-old, she has developed the insight to write down things she wants to improve. At the same time, I think the list provides a window into what has been on her mind.

The end of school this year had been rough for her. There weren’t academic problems, but she had a friend unexpectedly say they did not want to be friends with her anymore. Later, she discovered several kids encouraged the ex-friend to dissolve the friendship. On the last day of school, as everyone was saying goodbye, this action left my daughter in tears and wondering what had happened. Over the weekend, the class had a farewell beach party, and the ex-friend was in attendance, without the cluster of supporters, and apologized somewhat, saying that other kids were encouraging the friendship dissolution. These events left my daughter sad and confused.

She continued to replay events in her mind at home, bringing herself to tears. My wife and I continued to discuss with her how to discern who is a friend. We encouraged her to cultivate friendships with more supportive kids and not allow herself to be manipulated emotionally by others. We tried to get her to look at the instigators as revealing their true character.

She asked my wife and me about our history with friends and conflicts. I had a hard time coming up with times in which similar things happened to me. Don’t get me wrong, they happened, but I think I have repressed the details over the years. I tried to explain to her more about how people behave–that sometimes people are just mean, some people are followers, and others are not worth her attention and effort, given their unkind behavior. It is difficult to stand by and watch this level of turmoil when I want to yell at these kids and say, “Don’t be such a jerk to my daughter.”

Now, I know my daughter is not the innocent victim in all of this, and I recognize that my wife and I are getting a filtered, one-sided description of the chain of events. However, from her list of improvement goals she has written down, I can see that she has internalized some of the blame. Perhaps, she has taken to heart our refrain of telling her that she can’t control other people and that our behavior towards others reflects who we are. So, now she is choosing to work on herself.

Many of us could aspire towards her goals of being nicer, not being rude, being chiller, being less reactive, standing up to bullies, and being honest. However, she chose to document these goals to improve her friendships. As a dad, it is hard to see her toil trying to figure out her relationships. But it is a struggle she needs to undertake. Social relationships are complex for kids to figure out. Add to that the years of Covid away from friends with whom there would have been interactions to practice problem-solving skills. Plus, as kids move towards late elementary school, their sensitivity to social cues and social relationships increases, and, particularly in girls, relational aggression increases. Relational aggression is covert bullying, social exclusion, ignoring (e.g., the silent treatment), and spreading rumors and gossip, among other more subtle behaviors, and can be just as harmful and impactful as physical aggression (which boys tend to engage in more). So, for now, I am giving her the space to talk about her feelings, to help her understand the behavior of others, and to let her find ways to improve herself if she wishes.

As the new school year approaches, I remind her how much she has grown over the summer through all her activities. At the same time, I rehearse with her several scenarios that could take place and how she could respond so that she feels more confident entering into these relationships. The new school year offers her new opportunities for relationships, and I hope she feels like she has met her improvement goals.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

In Praise of Dads

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June 18th is Father’s Day. Its origins as a holiday are traced to Sonora Smart Dodd, who was raised by a widower and wanted to honor fathers in the same way that mothers are honored on Mother’s Day. She went to local service organizations and churches for support and got the state of Washington to declare the holiday in 1910. Slowly, it spread to other states. During World War II, the holiday became one way to support troops, many of whom were fathers. 1972 President Nixon signed a declaration declaring Father’s Day a holiday. Since then, the third Sunday in June brings the celebration of fathers. Other than being the designated griller in many families, fathers do a lot for their children and their families that may go unrecognized.

A father’s influence starts early

A father’s involvement during the mother’s pregnancy brings about positive health outcomes for the child, mother, and father. Research supports that mothers and fathers attending ultrasound appointments together strengthened their relationship, and mothers reported that the father’s presence was the most soothing, reassuring, and supportive during the pregnancy.

Fatherhood also changes fathers’ brains. Fathers show more oxytocin, a hormone associated with feelings of caring and belonging, and lower testosterone, reducing the likelihood of aggressive tendencies compared to non-fathers. In addition, fathers’ brains are more active compared to non-fathers in areas known for face emotion processing and reward processing. Their brains change to help them understand what their kids are feeling and how much they are rewarded for that experience of understanding.

Fathers make a difference

Dads have a significant impact on their children’s well-being. Research shows that when fathers are involved in core family activities like eating dinner, playing sports, or playing video games, families report experiencing more closeness, adaptability to change, and feeling that their families are more supportive. When fathers have high-quality interactions with their toddlers, their children demonstrate more social skills in third grade. Teenagers who report close relationships with their fathers are less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking and risky sexual behaviors. For teenagers, even if the dad is not in the home but they maintain a close relationship, they are less likely to engage in delinquent behaviors.

Different but complementary parenting

Fathers promote more physical play and exploratory behaviors in families with young children than mothers. At the same time, fathers are more likely to support that minor injuries “toughen up” a child and allow them to learn from mistakes. But, fathers still supervise their daughters more during play, while mothers supervise sons and daughters the same. In another study of tweens, when it comes to sexuality, boys feel more comfortable talking to their fathers than girls. And boys discuss a greater range of sexual topics with their fathers than girls with their mothers.

Benefits to the father

One study found that fathers of preschool-aged children who are involved in the care of their children had lower rates of depression than those with less involvement. Becoming a father is related to positive work outcomes like increased wages and greater work efforts. Some research indicates that fathers live longer compared to men who are childless.   

Nowadays, many dads don’t get the recognition they deserve. Research is consistent that dads impact kids and families differently than moms. In many families, there are visible things that dads do–like fixing things, killing bugs, or taking out the garbage–but there are those unseen things that they do just by being there and being the people they are that make the family stronger. So, it is time to say thank you on this third Sunday in June.

For me, becoming a father changed me. I entered into a world of parenthood that brought so many joys (and so many frustrations). Those frustrations generally get resolved with a smile and a shout of “Daddy!” from my daughter. Like many fathers, it is hard to imagine my life without the role of dad since it is now so much a part of me. So, to my fellow dads, Happy Father’s Day!

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

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