During adolescence, most kids start to form a sense of who they are as individuals–what we know of as their sense of identity. Identities don’t just show up one day, they emerge from childhood experiences, parental and family cultivation, and kids’ interests and personalities, among other aspects. Adolescence is often the center of identity formation and continues well into adulthood. Many of us can recall the changing of clothing styles, interests, activities, and the attention paid to fitting in and belonging to figure out who we are. One thing I always point to as an early sign of identity development is when kids become “musically aware” (my term)–when kids start listening to their own choice of music and want to control the music that is heard in the car and at home. As a parent, I now have to negotiate with a ten-year-old for what we listen to–and I can see glimmers of her identity starting to come into tune.
Her choices in music emerge from a combination of sources including from my wife who listens to more current music than I do. Some of my daughter’s choices stem from music her friends discuss, some from kids from summer camp, and some from video shorts she watches with background music and accompanying dances. She has created a playlist of songs on a streaming service from the music she’s heard. My daughter has become a “Swifty,” listening to Taylor Swift songs and singing along loudly. If a certain song comes on the radio in the car, I am told to “turn it up” and am given an elementary-school version of Carpool Karaoke. She will also regularly quiz me on who is singing whatever song is playing, which I fail nearly every time. These assertions about the songs she likes and doesn’t like are part of her internal process of figuring out who she is.
As her musical tastes provide evidence, she is navigating her path and planting the seeds of a growing identity. She is moving increasingly towards becoming her own person and choosing to be the person she wants to be–and listening to the music that appeals to her.
My wife and I are cognizant in trying to shape the values and ideals we hope our daughter adopts into the person she will become. We talk about how we treat others is a reflection of who we are. We regularly remind her to speak to us as her parents when she gets “sassy” (I am using a gentle term for this behavior). We remind her of how to treat her grandparents, whom she will sometimes take for granted. We tell her about being aware of kids who are new or are reluctant to join. We encourage the positive traits we see her display, like confidence, bravery in performing, and kindness towards others, and dissuade her from holding on to the undesirable ones, like being deceitful with us or lacking in manners at the dinner table. At the same time, she is trying to figure out relationships with others and will ask, “How come so-and-so does this?” My wife and I then try to posit some suggestion or possible rationale and leave her with, “Do you want to be that kind of person?” This query helps her clarify how she wants to present herself.
As a toddler, my daughter had favorite songs she would request ranging from “Goldfish” by the Laurie Berkner Band to AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” (all about the intro)–but these selections were not because she connected who she is to the music but more about the novelty of the tune. Now, we hear her preference for female-fronted power and pop ballads–Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Meghan Trainor–as well as popular bands like Imagine Dragons and AJR and with a sprinkling of sea shanties and assorted Disney movie songs. I don’t mind her choices, and I think we’ve steered her away from songs with explicit lyrics. It is easy to see that her connection to the music she likes is increasing.
She will likely put on earbuds or headphones and retreat from sharing her music choices at some point. Until that happens, I will happily listen to “Shake it Off” again.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.
Leave a Reply