As I write this, I am making arrangements to attend my 98-year-old grandmother’s funeral back East. She lived a full life and was able to be part of her grandchildren’s and great-grandchildren’s lives. So, I can’t help but think about the influence of grandparents in children’s lives.
Grandparents provide opportunities for learning about them and from them. I learned how to play card games from my grandparents. Card games were typical activities for her generation, and I was taught your proficiency was an indicator of your maturity and your character. Until I could demonstrate the ability to hold my hand correctly and make wise decisions in playing cards, I was not allowed to play with the adults. So I had to improve my skills and master strategy. She and my grandfather taught me all kinds of card games—canasta, gin rummy, king’s corners, thirteens, 21, poker, and more, sometimes with less-than-gentle coaching, which made my winning all the more triumphant. Also, my grandmother’s retelling of stories of the past were dramatic reenactments, like a Broadway monologue in accented English, and taught me how to tell a story. She also showed me the value of money, as learned from her experience by being cautious with her spending. Paper towels were rinsed and reused, the butter area of the fridge was filled with unused, foil-covered pats of butter from the senior center, and twist ties were saved in baggies, just in case. She radiated pride in all her children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren by being a source of support and acceptance for everyone. Her ability to persevere and remain optimistic about life is something that I aspire to and hope to instill in my own daughter.
My daughter has been lucky to have had relationships with all her grandparents (and bonus grandparents because of the remarriages of my wife’s parents and my own parents). Each grandparent has their own title (Grandpa, GoGo, Bobe, etc.), and each one has had separate, supportive relationships with her despite their distance. My wife and I have recognized that grandparents often provide gifts and experiences that are indulgent. From her parents, my daughter gets a heavy dose of no’s to purchases and activities. So, from her grandparents, she gets the experience of yeses and feeling special by the attention. My grandparents, when they would visit, would take my sister and me to Disneyland every year, and my wife got new roller skates or a bike and new clothes every summer she visited her grandparents. These acts were not about purchasing things—they were about the recognition of putting the kids’ interests and desires in the center and reminding us that we mattered. My daughter gets to experience mattering from her grandparents, who provide support for who she is and who she is becoming.
Indeed, research has shown that grandparent–grandchild interaction is related to better cognitive and social–emotional outcomes for grandchildren. Grandparents are often role models, discuss appropriate behavior, and provide advice and emotional support. Involved grandparents can also work with parents to enforce consistent norms and monitor children’s activities. Grandparents serve as buffers between parents and grandchildren when parent–child relationships are strained. And grandparents can provide free childcare. Research is consistent that kids benefit from relationships with grandparents.
My daughter is gaining so much from her grandparents. She gets playmates who will teach her the rules of a game and let her win (sometimes). She gets to have trustworthy people who she can regale with stories, true or not, of happenings at school. She gets a willing audience for showing off new dance routines or art creations. She also gets to have a special adult who she can tell secrets to away from her parents. She gets presents in the mail for birthdays and holidays. She gets lots of caring and more hugs and kisses.
As I pack my bags and ready myself for goodbye to my own grandmother, I reflect on how much she provided support, even at a distance, just by believing in me. I know that my 10-year-old is not cognizant of how much she values her relationships with her grandparents. But, from my own experience, she will.
Robert (Rob) S. WeisskircH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.
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