My son is my number one wingman. He’s the reason I’ve made my closest friends and the mothers who have become my mom group, who bring so much joy, support, and laughter into my life. It’s challenging making new friends at any age and stage, and many moms struggle to make connections with other people once they become parents. Modern American society has abandoned our ancestral ways of relying on our community to raise children together. Instead of villages, we parent as individuals or pairs, which has proven to make mothers feel isolated and lonely. Psychology Today explains, “If you do not have a ‘tribe’ of your own, take the time to seek one out or create one. Doing so requires effort and initiative but the return on investment will be worth it as it can give a significant boost to your quality of life and your emotional well-being.” We all know this to be true, but how do we make friends when we are exhausted, irritated, lonely, and don’t have time for ourselves, let alone putting energy into friendships?
Here are common dating tips that I’ve applied to make strong connections and create my village.
Don’t be afraid to ask for someone’s number.
The scenario: two toddlers are swinging side by side on the playground and you strike up a conversation with the other mom, who is also unable to sit down on the nearby bench because her child (like yours) is demanding to push “as hard as you can.” She is easy to talk to, you find common interests, you both smile and laugh and think to yourself, “She is nice. I like her!” Now what? Give her your phone number!
I’ve asked moms for their numbers in the parking lot of my condominium complex, at parks, at my son’s various classes, and at the pickup line at school. I even gave my number to a man whose family just moved here from France. I asked him to pass it along to his wife in case she wanted to know more about our area and meet people. They eventually referred me to my son’s preschool, and we all became very close friends. One hundred percent of the time I’ve asked for phone numbers I’ve gotten a yes and genuine excitement. I guarantee most moms want to make those same connections as you do and are appreciative and happy you made the first move.
Not every date will be a love connection.
…playdates are the same. You may have enjoyed your first meeting at the playground, but in a new situation and setting, you may not feel those initial butterflies of excitement and might lack a connection. That’s okay! You don’t have to go on a “second date” (or another playdate).
Spontaneous dates are often playful, lighthearted, and fun—apply that same philosophy to playdates. Attending a playdate you planned weeks ago can feel like one more appointment on the calendar and can be more exhausting than energizing the day of. We may have the best intentions with scheduling a playdate, but when the day comes, someone could be sick or we just might not have the energy. If you are heading out to the park, why not invite a friend? I cannot tell you how many times an impromptu “We’re heading to the playground—want to join?” text lifted me out of an afternoon funk and helped me physically and mentally.
Relationships need to be nurtured in order to grow. So do friendships.
We are all busy with family and work schedules, after-school activities, date nights, travel plans, and vacations. And let’s be honest, when we have downtime, we often want to stay in and rest. We can all relate, but it’s important to carve out time for those activities and friendships that energize you as a mom and fill your emotional cup and soul. Whether it is a mom’s night out on the town, a low-key dinner and drinks at a wine bar, or a walk and talk with a coffee in hand, scheduling time with friends is important for your emotional well-being and is time well spent. Take the initiative to plan a monthly dinner with moms from your child’s school, a book club or bunco night, or a holiday tradition, such as an ornament or book exchange. Moms need something for themselves to look forward to!
“Would we have dated in high school?”
It’s incredible how different seasons in life and motherhood can connect you with people from your past you were never close to before.
I’ve made deep connections with former classmates decades later by sharing and relating to each other’s parenthood struggles and situations. One of the most beautiful lessons in life is how people from our past can reappear in our lives and friendships form.
Should I try online dating?
Websites such as Peanut and local mom meetup groups on social media are excellent ways to meet mothers in your community. Don’t see a group that meets your schedule, needs, or interests? Create an invite and post! Set up a “mommy and me” hike, a bonfire at the beach, or just a casual “Open invite to anyone interested! Let’s meet up at this park and time for a playdate!” You never know who you will meet.
What if I want to keep things casual without being in a committed relationship?
Not every relationship has to be a serious commitment—some friends are a blast to go with on a night out, while others make for a reliable hiking buddy, and some are the perfect partners to grab a cup of coffee and chat about your favorite TV show. Just because a friend isn’t someone who you have deep conversations with doesn’t mean those lighthearted friends aren’t needed and valued in your life. Likewise, if your children become friends and you aren’t connecting with the mother, recognize and have realistic expectations for what the time together is: an opportunity for your child to play and for you to get out of the house and perhaps get a break in your day. You can still find value and enjoy the time with that person knowing she may not be a best friend but a friendly acquaintance.
Don’t be afraid to tell a person how you feel.
Did you know male and female flamingos lose their color, turning pale or white when they become parents? The reasons are biological, but symbolically, we humans can often relate to feeling drained and losing part of our identity and former self when we become mothers. Receiving a genuine compliment makes people feel happy and, naturally, we want to be around people who make us feel better and lift our spirits. It could be the nicest thing she’s heard all day, so don’t be afraid to give that compliment. That is often the easiest way to start a conversation where friendships can be formed.
Dating can be awkward … and so can making friends. But know that it is a numbers game, and the more you put yourself out there to meet other people, the more likely you will make a connection. It is important to understand and value the different roles of all members of your tribe—from the moms you enjoy meeting for playdates or mom’s nights out to some whom will be a safe space and shoulder you can cry on. Make room in your heart (and in your busy schedule) for those relationships.