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The Importance of Grandparents

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As I write this, I am making arrangements to attend my 98-year-old grandmother’s funeral back East. She lived a full life and was able to be part of her grandchildren’s and great-grandchildren’s lives. So, I can’t help but think about the influence of grandparents in children’s lives.

Grandparents provide opportunities for learning about them and from them. I learned how to play card games from my grandparents. Card games were typical activities for her generation, and I was taught your proficiency was an indicator of your maturity and your character. Until I could demonstrate the ability to hold my hand correctly and make wise decisions in playing cards, I was not allowed to play with the adults. So I had to improve my skills and master strategy. She and my grandfather taught me all kinds of card games—canasta, gin rummy, king’s corners, thirteens, 21, poker, and more, sometimes with less-than-gentle coaching, which made my winning all the more triumphant. Also, my grandmother’s retelling of stories of the past were dramatic reenactments, like a Broadway monologue in accented English, and taught me how to tell a story. She also showed me the value of money, as learned from her experience by being cautious with her spending. Paper towels were rinsed and reused, the butter area of the fridge was filled with unused, foil-covered pats of butter from the senior center, and twist ties were saved in baggies, just in case. She radiated pride in all her children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren by being a source of support and acceptance for everyone. Her ability to persevere and remain optimistic about life is something that I aspire to and hope to instill in my own daughter.

My daughter has been lucky to have had relationships with all her grandparents (and bonus grandparents because of the remarriages of my wife’s parents and my own parents). Each grandparent has their own title (Grandpa, GoGo, Bobe, etc.), and each one has had separate, supportive relationships with her despite their distance. My wife and I have recognized that grandparents often provide gifts and experiences that are indulgent. From her parents, my daughter gets a heavy dose of no’s to purchases and activities. So, from her grandparents, she gets the experience of yeses and feeling special by the attention. My grandparents, when they would visit, would take my sister and me to Disneyland every year, and my wife got new roller skates or a bike and new clothes every summer she visited her grandparents. These acts were not about purchasing things—they were about the recognition of putting the kids’ interests and desires in the center and reminding us that we mattered. My daughter gets to experience mattering from her grandparents, who provide support for who she is and who she is becoming.

Indeed, research has shown that grandparent–grandchild interaction is related to better cognitive and social–emotional outcomes for grandchildren. Grandparents are often role models, discuss appropriate behavior, and provide advice and emotional support. Involved grandparents can also work with parents to enforce consistent norms and monitor children’s activities. Grandparents serve as buffers between parents and grandchildren when parent–child relationships are strained. And grandparents can provide free childcare. Research is consistent that kids benefit from relationships with grandparents.

My daughter is gaining so much from her grandparents. She gets playmates who will teach her the rules of a game and let her win (sometimes). She gets to have trustworthy people who she can regale with stories, true or not, of happenings at school. She gets a willing audience for showing off new dance routines or art creations. She also gets to have a special adult who she can tell secrets to away from her parents. She gets presents in the mail for birthdays and holidays. She gets lots of caring and more hugs and kisses.

As I pack my bags and ready myself for goodbye to my own grandmother, I reflect on how much she provided support, even at a distance,  just by believing in me.  I know that my 10-year-old is not cognizant of how much she values her relationships with her grandparents.  But, from my own experience, she will.

Robert (Rob) S. WeisskircH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Grandmas in Hawaii

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A longtime friend and I are currently on what has become a yearly trip to Hawaii. We call ourselves “The Traveling Grandmas” and use our yearly trip to relax and rewind from our busy lives as parents, grandparents, and employees.

While a Hawaiian vacation is a “bucket list” thing for many people, it doesn’t need to be. Getting there is straightforward: no passport required, a relatively short flight from California, and plenty (or nothing) to do.

If you want to travel somewhere warm and tropical but don’t want to break the bank, keep reading. These tips focus on Waikiki, but many can be used elsewhere.

Getting There

My favorite airline is Southwest: they don’t charge to change your flight, so if you decide to extend your vacation, it’s simple to do so. Also, if you’ve bought your ticket and then see a sale, you can rebook the same flight and get the difference in travel funds to use later. One downside that some people don’t like is their boarding group system. It is not assigned seating, so that can be a challenge.

As with airlines, you have many choices on accommodations. You will find everything from “it’ll do” hotels with small rooms and cheap price tags to five-star luxury resorts. While we usually stay in the middle of Waikiki, where there is more action, more restaurants, and easier walking distance to everything, we tried something new this year, and we’re delighted with the hotel. It is on the main beach-front street in Waikiki, at the end by the zoo. Previously the Aston Waikiki, the Twin Fin was remodeled and re-opened in November 2022. Across from the Twin Fin is a walled-in beach area like a swimming lagoon. With the Twin Fin facing the lagoon and just across the street, it is a perfect location for families with children. This area of Waikiki is quieter than the others, and you can see Diamond Head from your lanai if you get an oceanfront or Diamond Head view room. The Twin Fin is not a five-star hotel: the hallways are very plain, as are the rooms. But it is clean and comfortable, has a nice pool, and the staff is the most friendly we’ve encountered.

Here is a savings tip we discovered that most hotels don’t advertise but will give it to you if you ask: if you stay 14 nights or longer, they will waive the resort fee. That is a significant savings and allowed us to go from a two-week vacation to a 17-night break.

Exploring

The initial inclination is always to rent a car. However, you can save a lot of money by bypassing the rental car and taking a taxi to your hotel. As mentioned, much of this information is about staying in Waikiki where you can walk to almost everything you need. On the days you want to visit the North Shore or another part of the island, you can rent a car for the day on Turo. This saves money on both car rental costs and parking. Even at the less expensive hotels, parking is about $50 per day. If you use Turo or one of the other small rental companies, you can schedule to pick up in the morning and drop off at night.

One last area where you can save money is dining. Of course, you should splurge on a pricey meal or two (if that’s your thing) while on vacation. But there are many less expensive (and healthy) options available. If you’re a fan of Poke, there are many excellent and affordable options. There is also a variety of Asian food choices. One of my favorite places is Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ. Go in the afternoon and order off the lunch menu. Lots of meat choices are served with rice, salad, and soup.

For breakfast and snacks, there are little stores all over called ABC Stores that have single-serve cereals, oatmeal, sandwiches, and fruit.

Activities

As far as activities, every family or individual is going to want to do something different. Lazy days on the beach are my speed. On this trip, we went on a distillery tour at Ko’olau Distillery to learn how whiskey and gin are made and sample the goods. It was informative and fun. For the active person, there are dozens of hiking trails for every experience level. Snorkeling, parasailing, shark diving, kayaking, paddle boarding…all great outdoor activities. Look for deals via Groupon, or call the company directly for the best deal. If a one-hour cruise on a catamaran sounds good, look for the Na Hoku II boat on the beach out in front of the Moana Surfrider Hotel. The morning cruises are more family-friendly, and it includes drinks for all.

One last piece of advice: put your trip together yourself. Packages can be enticing. But, my experience is that I can find better prices by looking at options often not offered in a package, such as different flight times or out of a smaller airport rather than a busier one. Also, I have saved money by booking the legs of a trip as separate one-way flights rather than one big trip.

This has given you some tips on getting your vacation started. Whatever you do to decompress and relax, enjoy it completely!

TRICIA VLASAK works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures with her grandchildren. Tricia received a Gold Award for personal essay from Parenting Media Association in 2022.

Teach kids to play? YES!

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I work ten-hour days Tuesday through Friday, so I am off every Monday. That is my day with my grandkids. My grandson and I run errands, go to lunch, and generally gallivant around. That often includes a trip to Sam’s Club and a new toy. Today was no different. While we walked up and down the toy aisle, we tried to agree on something he wanted that I was willing to buy. As I extolled the virtues of building blocks and hot wheels, my three-year-old grandson said something to me that got me thinking. He said, “But, Grandma, those toys don’t DO anything. They’re boring.” It occurred to me my grandson wanted to be entertained. He did not want toys he had to play with; he wanted toys that did something to entertain him.

That conversation with my grandson made me wonder if this is common. Are we creating a generation of children who don’t know how to play? I asked a few friends – certainly not a large sampling – but it seems they have seen the same thing with their kids or grandkids, with a few exceptions. My generation and, to a large extent, the generations who are now young parents grew up with different toys than youngsters have now. We had to make up stories for our dolls, build things with blocks, or make racetracks for our motorless toy cars. Children now have dolls who can respond and speak, cars they can sit in and drive, and thousands of games and entertainment at their fingertips.

I sometimes think, as adults, we believe kids innately know how to play and create fun. But that isn’t true. Kids need to be taught how to use their imaginations. Creativity is the building block of critical thinking. Like so many skills, children are born with the ability to imagine and create, but they need guidance to use that skill. So can you teach your preschooler how to play and imagine? YES!

How do you encourage your preschooler to use their imagination?

  • Expose your child to different kinds of music, and encourage them to connect with it. Kids can connect with music by becoming a part of it through rhythm instruments, clapping, dancing, or drawing what the music makes them feel. Use an empty water bottle and put colorful marbles in it (be sure to glue the top on). Let your child shake the bottle to the rhythm of the music. Studies show that exposure to music, developing rhythm, and dancing all increase cognitive function in young children. Take this one step further, and talk to your children about how the music made them feel. Give them the language to describe their feelings. The bonus is that children with the language to express themselves experience less frustration!

  • Make art of household bits and pieces. Do you remember making puppets out of brown paper lunch bags? I sure do – and I loved it! Get a pack of brown paper bags and look around your house for scraps of material, yarn, buttons, crayons…anything colorful. Let your child glue things onto the bags to make puppets. Encourage them to make funny faces or animal faces on the bags. Then have funny conversations with the puppets or make up songs the puppets “sing.”


Let’s teach our grandchildren how to create…how to make up stories for their dolls, toy dinosaurs, or play cars. These activities aim to get your child using their creativity and imagination to express themselves.

As Albert Einstein said: “Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination embraces the entire world.”

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother and grandparent. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Gold Award for personal essay from Parenting Media Association in 2022.

When Grandparents Divorce

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Although most studies cite 2019 as the year divorces hit a 50-year low of 7.6%, COVID seems to have had a devastating effect on marriage. By the end of 2020, the divorce rate was 24%. By 2021, it had risen to a whopping 34%. Many experts believe 2022 will see that number rise even higher.

According to experts, the lockdown changed things. Social behavior changed. Household demands changed. Schooling and childcare changed.

Everything changed. According to experts, at first, many people thought the lockdown was a nice break from their busy lives. People enjoyed more time with their families and could take a step back and reflect on the things that truly mattered. They used the “freeze frame” of the pandemic as a push-off point for moving forward. However, for many, the lockdown exacerbated imbalanced contributions between partners. Homeschooling, chores, finances–it was a lot to deal with. The added strain to already struggling relationships and the lack of professional help due to closures was the proverbial straw that … you know the rest.

People with young children weren’t the only couples who felt the pain of the pandemic. According to the Pew Research Center, the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled since 1990. There is even a name for it: gray divorce. There has been a sharp rise in “gray divorce” since 2019, and researchers predict that the rate will triple by 2030. There are many reasons for this increase, most of them due to increased life expectancy, a change in divorce stigma, and less willingness to remain in an unhappy marriage.

COVID brought some of that unhappiness into sharp focus when Grandma and Grandpa started spending more time together. Avani Ramnani, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst with Francis Financial, says, “The unexpected in-home isolation puts a sharper focus on issues in the marriage that may have otherwise been overlooked. Loss of income, [loss of] employment, and [loss of] separate routines that allowed healthy time away from each other have produced a perfect storm. With these additional pressures, some marriages are wilting under the added stress.” Further, more women initiate divorce because “These women have had it with their spouses and are ready to get away from all of the tension and fighting.”

I am one of those women who filed for divorce after two years of the pandemic. I am keenly aware of the effect this may have on my grandchildren. Although technically a “step” grandfather, my husband has been the only grandpa my grandkids have ever known. Their other grandfather died long before they were born. So I have been reading a lot about helping the grandkids cope with Grandpa moving out and the possibility they will see him less often. I have learned a few things to help us move forward after our “gray divorce.”

While the grandchildren’s age will affect how they accept and cope with their grandparents’ divorce, most kids feel a sense of loss. Grandparents typically provide a stable, safe relationship for kids. When grandparents split, kids can feel shaken and insecure. The grandparents’ divorce can negatively affect three generations: the grandparents, their children, and their grandchildren. Many studies have shown that grandparental divorce can have a negative impact on how grandchildren view marriage and the sustainability of relationships.

But children are resilient humans. Speaking with them honestly and without malice or anger toward either grandparent, is always the best policy. Move forward with happiness and health as your goal!

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother and grandparent. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.

Building A Solid Relationship With Your Grandchildren Starts With Their Parents

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After my daughter and son-in-law told me they were expecting their first child, I Googled “names for grandmother,” looking for inspiration on what I would want to be called by my soon-to-arrive granddaughter. I had friends who were “Mimi,” “Nanny,” a few went by Nana, and even one “Daisy.” But none of those sounded right to my ears. I wanted something a little more unique and personal.

Memaw? Umm, no.

Glamma? A big no.

Lola? Kind of cute.

At some point, I stumbled upon Ama, a name with Buddhist roots and also used in Iceland and China. That felt right from the beginning–I’d found my name! Luckily, it was acceptable to my daughter and son-in-law, and an Ama was born when my sweet granddaughter Nina came into the world three-and-a-half years ago.

Picking my grandmother name might seem inconsequential, but in reality, it was an indication of the care and attention I wanted to give to being a grandparent.

My mom was an outstanding grandmother and set the bar high. She gave my daughter a soft place to land, offering unconditional support, and was always her granddaughter’s biggest cheerleader. They were two peas in a pod, always coming up with fun outings and games. There were very few dance recitals, softball games, or school plays that Grammy didn’t attend, even if it meant taking a day off work. In my mother’s eyes, her granddaughter could do no wrong. I saw firsthand the importance of that deep love. It wasn’t the relationship I had with my grandmother who, while she cared about her grandchildren, was quite judgmental, harsh, and not affectionate. I don’t remember her saying “I ove you” or giving a heartfelt compliment. That my mother could offer a completely different style of grandparenting with no role model is a marvel.

And that’s exactly what I want to offer my grandchildren–unconditional love and a soft place to land.

But like any other role, being a grandparent can be confusing as you navigate and build relationships with your grandchildren and their parents.

While I’ve learned a few things over the past few years, I wanted to get some input from an expert on how to create a solid bond with both your grandchildren and their parents. I turned to Karen L. Rancourt, the voice behind the “Ask Dr. Gramma Karen” column that has run nationally for over twelve years. I recently chatted with her about modern grandparenting, and she offered some of her thoughts on the “rules” grandparents should consider including her essential rule.

THE ESSENTIAL RULE OF GRANDPARENTING

Karen’s number one piece of advice? “Zip it!” According to Karen, grandparents need to remember that they are no longer in the driver’s seat. You are a passenger ‘riding along’ at the pleasure of the parents. When you were raising your children, you made the rules. Karen says: “Now your job is to enforce the rules set down by your grown children regarding your grandchildren, whether you agree with them or not. To use a common idiom, “There’s a new sheriff in town,” and it isn’t you.”

This can be tough to follow because, yes, you have lots of experience, and yes, you have what many would consider wisdom. But until you are invited to share your experience and wisdom, keep it to yourself. The only time to jump in uninvited is when a grandchild’s health, safety, and well-being are at risk, a very rare occurrence.

Karen advises waiting until you are specifically asked for your opinion: “What do you think about …?” or “How did you handle …?” So, unless a clear invitation is extended, fight the temptation to jump in and bite your tongue.

I would add that when asked for advice, be kind. If parents do want input, offer your alternative in a way that doesn’t put their initial choice down. They’re learning as they go, just like you did, and when a new parent is confronted with something that isn’t working, they can easily get frustrated. They don’t need correction that can come off as condescending. “Maybe you could try . . .” works well.

FRICTION BETWEEN PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS

According to Karen, the major causes of friction between parents and grandparents typically fit into one of five main categories: Involvement and boundaries; Communication; Assumptions and expectations; Power and control; Values, beliefs, and principles.

It’s vital for parents and grandparents to discuss the amount of involvement each finds appropriate. And, while parents make the final rules, it’s important for grandparents to be clear on their participation and not feel compelled to offer services or support they aren’t equipped or willing to offer. This tends to crop up around childcare most often. Some grandparents are eager to act as regular caregivers–whether full-time in place of daycare or on a regular part-time basis. Other grandparents see this as an intrusion that doesn’t work for them. Whatever your choice, make sure you’ve communicated your boundaries so that the parents understand what you are willing to do. This is one area where communication and assumptions play a vital role.

Too often communication missteps result because the communication is ineffective, lacking, inaccurate, inappropriate, or insensitive. Good communication is skills-based and can be learned.

Much of the underlying stress that exists in parent-grandparent relationships arise because the parties involved have made erroneous assumptions, or they have set their hearts on certain things happening based on misinformation or misunderstandings, or their need to be right takes precedence.

The shift from a win-lose model to collaboration and cooperation can be difficult. Conflicts between parents and grandparents can develop when one of the parties “has to win” regarding some situation or issue involving the grandchildren. Often people do not realize they are caught up in various kinds of relationship competitions, with grandparents trying to be victorious in various outcomes.

When conflicting values and beliefs are the root cause of family problems, the challenge becomes one of moving from a right-wrong mode of thinking to setting a new goal. This can be the toughest issue to navigate. According to Karen, “What used to be heated, yet friendly, ‘dinner table discussions’ between the generations, have evolved, in many instances, into angry discussions, often fracturing or ending relationships.

To make a shift, family members must “first acknowledge their differences in values and beliefs, then appreciate that these differences can be personal and inflexible, and finally, to focus on ways to prevent those differences from becoming permanent and detrimental wedges in the relationships. “

SUCH A BLESSING

I feel blessed to have a daughter and son-in-law who welcome me as an important and ongoing presence in my grandchildren’s lives. I’m sure I’ve broken Karen’s rules more than once, but I consciously try to communicate. I’m also grateful that my grandchildren’s parents excel at their new roles. Watching them be so involved and caring is a profound pleasure.

I know not all grandparents are so lucky and are either peripheral in their grandchildren’s lives or have conflicts with the parents. It’s a relationship that requires work, and as the norms change, it can be confusing. I hope these tips from Karen can help those grandparents navigate to a better place and reinforce what’s working.

Being a grandparent has truly been the greatest joy of my life. Your love for your child is multiplied because now you have a little being to love who is a part of your child but with their own distinct personality. There is nothing better!

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D., is also an author. Her most recent book is, It’s All About Relationships: New Ways to Make Them Healthy and Fulfilling, at Home and Work.

Andrea Breznay is the Publisher of Monterey Bay Parent and a happily involved grandmother to a 3-month-old and 3-year-old.

Meet the Step-Parents and Step-Grandparents

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The so-called “traditional” family is no longer as typical as it once was. Mom and dad, two moms, two dads, grandparents raising their children’s children, a mix of parents and stepparents, are all common and valid and beautiful families. Some of these complex family configurations mean the role of grandparents has changed.

I married my husband when my daughter was eighteen years old, and my son had just turned nine. My daughter moved out on her own shortly after that. Because of the timing, my husband has never really played the role of a father to her. He knew she was too old for him to move into that role, so he wisely took on a role as more of a loving uncle: there when she needed him, but never too pushy or opinionated about parenting issues having to do with her. That worked for a long time.  However, our first grandchild came along four years ago, and my husband’s role changed yet again. He is the only grandpa my grandkids know. My daughter’s children are OUR grandchildren. And I’m pretty sure nothing thrills him more than to hear our granddaughter screech, “Grandpa!” and run into his arms. Watching the love between them is one of the most precious things in the world.

Now, to show that a stepfather’s role is ever-evolving, my husband’s place in my daughter’s life has changed again: my daughter and her husband just bought their first home. Watching them navigate new homeownership has been fun. But it has also allowed my husband to fill yet another role: handyman. He has spent hours at their home fixing leaks, trimming trees, and advising on the issues that go along with homeownership. I know it makes my husband feel good to know that my daughter trusts him and seeks out his expertise. It also strengthens his role as “grandpa” because he is building friendship and trust with my daughter, which is lovely to see.

Thinking about June, and Father’s Day, made me want to shout out to men…especially the ones who are playing those important “father” roles in place of someone else. It is not an easy position to be in, and it is often thankless. It is not always simple to learn the unwritten rules of step-parenting or step-grandparenting. But just from observing these last few years and the relationship my husband has built with the grandkids, I can tell he has learned to navigate those waters. I asked him for some pointers on making step-grandparenting a successful and fulfilling relationship:

• Be patient and let the relationship come to you. If you force it, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. But if you remember just to be yourself, relax, and take a genuine interest in the children, the relationship will develop.

• Don’t overstep your bounds by offering unsolicited parenting advice or opinions to the grandchild’s parents.

• Be available and consistent.

• Build a hobby or interest together; some activity that is all yours. For example, my husband does woodworking and enjoys chopping firewood. My granddaughter loves spending time in the garage with him, building things. She also loves to follow him around on our property, moving chopped firewood and stacking tree cuttings. It’s their “thing,” and she’s always excited when she gets to “work” with Grandpa.

• Accept the grandchild as your own. This one is important.  In our situation, there are no biological grandfathers in the picture, and my husband’s biological daughter does not have children yet. So, there are no issues regarding treating biological and step grandkids differently. But, in some families, there are several sets of grandparents and a mix of bio and step-grandchildren. It is important to learn about each child and have a relationship with each of them based on their own merits, not on who “created” them.

Being a part of a blended family is not easy. So, on this Father’s Day, here’s to the men who take the challenge on with humor, patience, humility, and a lot of love.

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.

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