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Bedtime Reading and Dolly Parton

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Imagine The Possibilities Big Z. Little z. What begins with Z? I do. I am a Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz as you can plainly see.

Half asleep, I contemplated staying the night in my daughter’s rocking chair. I peeked to see if she’s fallen asleep. “Again, Daddy!” she says, wide-eyed and very awake. “But this time, do the voices!” 

For the better part of a year, my three-year-old daughter wouldn’t go to sleep without me reading her Dr. Seuss’s ABC: An Amazing Alphabet Book every single night. Twice. 

I memorized each page’s words verbatim. I started timing myself from cover to cover, adding deductions for stumbled words. No easy task with the Seussian tongue-twisters and preposterous propositions in every pentameter. 

Painting pink pajamas. Policeman in a pail. Peter Pepper’s puppy. And now Papa’s in the pail.

The book is one of many classic children’s titles that have been distributed to more than three million children around the world by Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library. For all the light and love and song that Dolly brought into this world, this global gift may be the most inspiring.

Dolly began the Imagination Library in 1995, gifting free books to all children from birth to age five in her native Sevier County in East Tennessee. After more than 30 years and 330 million books later, the program continues to mail one classic story each month to every kid who signs up—all for free.

Until I became a dad, I had forgotten the importance of reading for fun and, maybe more importantly, being read to. As a kid, my favorite was Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak, and I marveled at the terrible claws and terrible teeth, imagining I could go anywhere and be back home by dinner.

But credit to my wife, who had our first daughter’s little library ready for her the day we got home from the hospital. (Dad had less luck with the crib.) Barely able to open her eyes, we read her first book, Goodnight Moon, and made it a habit ever since.

We pretended to eat everything page by page in Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar, recited Love You Forever by Robert Munsch every time we got scared, and ensured we Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus by Mo Willems despite all his convincing.

One of the things I’m most proud of is the love my three girls have for reading. The passion for going on an adventure without limitations and screens. And the excitement to do it every night before dreaming.  

BIG I. Little i. Ichabod is itchy. So am I.

Not all families, though, have the means for new or even used books. And that’s where the Imagination Library is truly impacting the lives and futures of kids across the globe.

In the US, specifically, one in every six children under the age of five has received one of Dolly’s books, mailed and delivered with their name. 

Unfortunately, funding that supports the program in many states is being cut and disproportionately affecting the underserved families that need the books the most. Both research and common sense underline the foundational importance of literacy, and we need more programs like Dolly’s, not fewer.

Now thinking back on all the stories we shared every night, I realize the impact they had on my own life a second time around. We read The Night Before My Birthday by Joni Rubinstein to celebrate everyone’s milestone, complete with writing down goals for the year. 

Look Out Kindergarten, Here I Come! by Nancy Carlson helped us all get through that scary first week of school. If You Give A Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff taught me the patience needed to be a dad. And Seuss’s lessons on how we all should treat the environment in The Lorax may be more relevant than ever. 

Dolly was inspired to start the Imagination Library by her father, who never learned to read or write. Her impact on the lives of children and their parents, in turn, is immeasurable and these classic books represent just another way to remember her legacy.

O is very useful. You use it when you say: “Oscar’s only ostrich oiled an orange owl today.”

The book still makes an occasional appearance on the bookshelf. Its tattered pages have started to loosen on the binding, but the words are the same. My daughter is in second grade now, and has mastered every line herself. 

But every once in a while, she’ll hand it over to me. 

“Daddy, do the voices!”

And I always do.

Thanks to First 5 Monterey County and local partners, children from birth to age five can receive a book each month. For more info: first5monterey.org/imaginationlibrary/

In Praise of Dads

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June 18th is Father’s Day. Its origins as a holiday are traced to Sonora Smart Dodd, who was raised by a widower and wanted to honor fathers in the same way that mothers are honored on Mother’s Day. She went to local service organizations and churches for support and got the state of Washington to declare the holiday in 1910. Slowly, it spread to other states. During World War II, the holiday became one way to support troops, many of whom were fathers. 1972 President Nixon signed a declaration declaring Father’s Day a holiday. Since then, the third Sunday in June brings the celebration of fathers. Other than being the designated griller in many families, fathers do a lot for their children and their families that may go unrecognized.

A father’s influence starts early

A father’s involvement during the mother’s pregnancy brings about positive health outcomes for the child, mother, and father. Research supports that mothers and fathers attending ultrasound appointments together strengthened their relationship, and mothers reported that the father’s presence was the most soothing, reassuring, and supportive during the pregnancy.

Fatherhood also changes fathers’ brains. Fathers show more oxytocin, a hormone associated with feelings of caring and belonging, and lower testosterone, reducing the likelihood of aggressive tendencies compared to non-fathers. In addition, fathers’ brains are more active compared to non-fathers in areas known for face emotion processing and reward processing. Their brains change to help them understand what their kids are feeling and how much they are rewarded for that experience of understanding.

Fathers make a difference

Dads have a significant impact on their children’s well-being. Research shows that when fathers are involved in core family activities like eating dinner, playing sports, or playing video games, families report experiencing more closeness, adaptability to change, and feeling that their families are more supportive. When fathers have high-quality interactions with their toddlers, their children demonstrate more social skills in third grade. Teenagers who report close relationships with their fathers are less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking and risky sexual behaviors. For teenagers, even if the dad is not in the home but they maintain a close relationship, they are less likely to engage in delinquent behaviors.

Different but complementary parenting

Fathers promote more physical play and exploratory behaviors in families with young children than mothers. At the same time, fathers are more likely to support that minor injuries “toughen up” a child and allow them to learn from mistakes. But, fathers still supervise their daughters more during play, while mothers supervise sons and daughters the same. In another study of tweens, when it comes to sexuality, boys feel more comfortable talking to their fathers than girls. And boys discuss a greater range of sexual topics with their fathers than girls with their mothers.

Benefits to the father

One study found that fathers of preschool-aged children who are involved in the care of their children had lower rates of depression than those with less involvement. Becoming a father is related to positive work outcomes like increased wages and greater work efforts. Some research indicates that fathers live longer compared to men who are childless.   

Nowadays, many dads don’t get the recognition they deserve. Research is consistent that dads impact kids and families differently than moms. In many families, there are visible things that dads do–like fixing things, killing bugs, or taking out the garbage–but there are those unseen things that they do just by being there and being the people they are that make the family stronger. So, it is time to say thank you on this third Sunday in June.

For me, becoming a father changed me. I entered into a world of parenthood that brought so many joys (and so many frustrations). Those frustrations generally get resolved with a smile and a shout of “Daddy!” from my daughter. Like many fathers, it is hard to imagine my life without the role of dad since it is now so much a part of me. So, to my fellow dads, Happy Father’s Day!

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

It’s Time to Connect!

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In the post-holiday rush, I always find it difficult to do much beyond work. The catch-up period that follows the holiday break feels like almost as much of a tradition as the holidays themselves. We’re all pretty used to it–which is a problem.

It’s too easy to jump back on life’s treadmill. And while the New Year’s resolution has become a marketing gimmick (gym memberships?), that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth reflecting on how (and how often) your family spends time together and considering ways to get more face-to-face time.

If you’d like to see more of your loved ones this year, here are some ideas for turning text exchanges into time together.

1. Think Small & Stay Consistent. It’s easy to decide to make many changes with the arrival of a new year…and incredibly hard to sustain those changes for any meaningful length of time (again, gym memberships?). It’s also hard, especially as kids get older, to institute a new form of family togetherness that doesn’t feel manufactured. This is natural, of course. The idea of forcing a teenager to do anything family-oriented can be daunting.

If you want to spend more time together as a family, remember that it’s supposed to be enjoyable. The best approach depends on the ages and nature of your family, but doing something small is often a good strategy. What’s the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

2. Stay Away From the Weekend. The weekend might seem the logical place to implement family time. Depending on the ages of your children,  it can be trickier than you think.

Once kids are a little older, classes and activities can fill the weekends. A regular family activity that works when your family is younger such as Sunday dinner together as a family may start getting skipped as kids get older until it’s all but forgotten.

Early in the week can often be the best time to check in as a family. For example, doing a regular Monday night dinner or activity might be the perfect time to check in with your loved ones. Plus, doing something fun can shine a little positivity on the sometimes-dreary start of yet another week.

But if regularly scheduled events aren’t in the cards for your busy family, there’s no reason you can’t reinforce the human-to-human connection in other ways.

3. Call, Don’t Text. A good friend of mine hates (hates!) texting, claiming that it has chipped away at human-to-human connection. More often than not, I can send him a text, count to ten, and before I hit “seven,” the phone is ringing.

It can seem a little silly to dial up your spouse instead of tapping out a quick “Get milk on the way home,” but we’re wired to communicate verbally. We all know that texting and driving isn’t a great idea, so take advantage of your legally mandated hands-free device and start making more phone calls to your family. Like the above, think small. Maybe replace one text a day or a week with a phone call.

4. Play Hooky. The principal of the school I previously worked at once told me that she and her husband would plan a day every year to randomly pull their kids from school and do a family activity to a museum, theme park, or other destination. The element of surprise can be a powerful one. If you can’t make weekly family time happen, go for the sneak attack.

5. Share a Book. This one can be either a huge success or a massive failure. I’ve seen it go both ways, but reading the same book simultaneously can provide a point of reference and discussion if you have older kids. Plus, it can be done around everyone’s schedule.

6. Start a Photo Album. Many families and friend groups have ongoing chat threads that span weeks, months, or even years. With modern smartphones, it has become common to ping photos back and forth without a second thought. Creating a digital photo album is a great place to share photos regularly, plus it creates a natural digital story that can be looked back on. Try setting a personal goal of (think small!) 1-2 photos a week. Tell your family about your intentions, but don’t turn it into a homework assignment.

7. Daily Tradition. I recently got my mother hooked on Wordle after showing her the game on a whim. Now, not a morning goes by that I don’t wake up to a text waiting for me with her daily puzzle score. Moreover, it’s naturally evolved into a family-wide thing (except for my spelling-impaired engineer father). Sometimes, things stick best when we aren’t trying to get them to stick. There are tons of shareable games out there, and if you can find the right one, it can be a nice way to maintain a connection with members of your extended family.

Originally from New England, Matt Desenberg is a writer living in Monterey.

Making Mom Friends Is Hard to Do (but so worth it!)

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Long sleepless nights, diapers, potty-training, and baby-talk—it’s enough to make any mother of a baby or toddler crave adult interaction and conversation. Throw in an ongoing pandemic, and moms of littles everywhere are feeling lonelier than ever and yearning for connection outside the home. Luckily, Monterey County is a family-friendly area with resources to help moms (and little ones) make new friends and socialize.

Local mom Mariah Klair of Pacific Grove has found friendship and connection through multiple channels. Her kids are ages 12, three years old, and two months old. Swimming lessons, storytime at the library, and park trips have been the easiest way to meet other moms and socialize her youngest children. Even posting items on the local PG for sale group on Facebook has led to connections with other women in the area. When asked what advice she would give local parents who feel isolated or like the task of making other mom friends is difficult, Klair said, “Go to your local park and make connections there. There are many other mothers who are feeling the same insecurities and looking for simple chatter with an adult like yourself. I have been going to one park twice a week, and I always end up chatting away for hours with new friends, old friends–and my son does the same with kids his own age.”

A local organization, Parents’ Place in Pacific Grove, is an option for more structured meetings where moms and their children can take classes together. Mollie Collyer, of Pacific Grove, enjoyed taking her kids there pre-pandemic and shared, “They have age-related classes for infants to three years. It’s a great place for support and a place for your child to socialize with other children of the same age and gain lifelong friends.” Also local to PG is Annique Anderson, who had her first child six weeks ago—and she is another fan of Parents’ Place. “I signed up for a mommy and me class when my son was 3 weeks old, and we still go every week. It’s nice to meet people going through the same challenges as you are and be able to discuss them and get through them together, so you don’t feel alone,” said Anderson. (Sidenote: there is a cost involved for classes at Parents’ Place).

Now that some restrictions have lifted, Collyer has started taking her three-year-old daughter to activities such as ballet and gymnastics, where they have both made friends. She also cites pre-school pick-up for her five-year-old son as a great place to make mom friends. One of the benefits of technology, as Collyer said, is the ability to meet parents online, too. “I’ve seen people move into this area and post on Facebook they’re looking for another mom to meet up for play dates or a walk. Something I’ve heard about but haven’t used is an app called Peanut. It’s like a dating app to meet other parents. We’re lucky to live in an area that is so family friendly!”

Sometimes budget constraints can make it difficult to participate in classes such as the Parents’ Place’s offerings. Local Monterey mom of two, Emily Furner, has ideas of how to get involved with free meetups. “The best ways I have found to make friends are through my church (my church has an hour of children’s classes every Sunday) and library story time. It (story time) is free and normally well attended in both Monterey and PG. After you go a couple times and see the same faces a few weeks in a row, it is easy to say hi to them and try to do introductions,” Furner said. Worth noting, too, is the unique challenge of making friends in a military community. Furner explained, “About 90% of my friends I have made here are military. But the problem with military friends is that they inevitably leave, meaning that you have to start the making friends process all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my military friends and still have stayed in contact with some that have moved. But the constant goodbyes are hard.” Plus, living in an area where so many vacation can mean meeting people who are just passing through. Furner said that sometimes she ends up giving restaurant recommendations to visitors more than she truly connects with other moms at the park.

It also bears mentioning that a huge obstacle to making friends when you have a baby is postpartum issues such as depression and anxiety. Anderson signed herself up for PPD classes at the “Beth El” Temple in Salinas through the Parenting Connection, which is another resource for mothers of infants and toddlers. Their focus is on supporting parents through postpartum challenges.

Making friends as an adult really is hard to do, pandemic or not. And it can be doubly challenging in the early days when sleep is elusive and children need your attention constantly. When asked what her best advice for new moms is, Anderson said, “Try not to overwhelm yourself but do try to find at least one group that you can join to meet other mothers. It can be very challenging at first with having the new baby and trying to sleep and feed and manage your emotions. But to me, having somewhere to go each week and something to look forward to was super helpful for me in my recovery from PPD. I really look forward to my class every week because it helps me feel less isolated and alone.”

Furner added that it’s important to care for yourself and not to get discouraged too quickly. “It is easy to be discouraged when you are a mom and sleep-deprived and have five thousand other things to worry about besides trying to make time for mom friends when you can’t even find time for yourself. Go to library storytime. And remember the best things take time to develop (and that includes friendships).”

Nadia Morgan is an East Coast native who now feels truly at home on the West Coast. She has a degree in writing. A military wife of 20 years, Nadia is Editorial Assistant for Monterey Bay Parent Magazine. You can reach her by email at editorial@montereybayparent.com

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