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Monterey Bay Parent » February 2024

The Importance of Grandparents

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As I write this, I am making arrangements to attend my 98-year-old grandmother’s funeral back East. She lived a full life and was able to be part of her grandchildren’s and great-grandchildren’s lives. So, I can’t help but think about the influence of grandparents in children’s lives.

Grandparents provide opportunities for learning about them and from them. I learned how to play card games from my grandparents. Card games were typical activities for her generation, and I was taught your proficiency was an indicator of your maturity and your character. Until I could demonstrate the ability to hold my hand correctly and make wise decisions in playing cards, I was not allowed to play with the adults. So I had to improve my skills and master strategy. She and my grandfather taught me all kinds of card games—canasta, gin rummy, king’s corners, thirteens, 21, poker, and more, sometimes with less-than-gentle coaching, which made my winning all the more triumphant. Also, my grandmother’s retelling of stories of the past were dramatic reenactments, like a Broadway monologue in accented English, and taught me how to tell a story. She also showed me the value of money, as learned from her experience by being cautious with her spending. Paper towels were rinsed and reused, the butter area of the fridge was filled with unused, foil-covered pats of butter from the senior center, and twist ties were saved in baggies, just in case. She radiated pride in all her children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren by being a source of support and acceptance for everyone. Her ability to persevere and remain optimistic about life is something that I aspire to and hope to instill in my own daughter.

My daughter has been lucky to have had relationships with all her grandparents (and bonus grandparents because of the remarriages of my wife’s parents and my own parents). Each grandparent has their own title (Grandpa, GoGo, Bobe, etc.), and each one has had separate, supportive relationships with her despite their distance. My wife and I have recognized that grandparents often provide gifts and experiences that are indulgent. From her parents, my daughter gets a heavy dose of no’s to purchases and activities. So, from her grandparents, she gets the experience of yeses and feeling special by the attention. My grandparents, when they would visit, would take my sister and me to Disneyland every year, and my wife got new roller skates or a bike and new clothes every summer she visited her grandparents. These acts were not about purchasing things—they were about the recognition of putting the kids’ interests and desires in the center and reminding us that we mattered. My daughter gets to experience mattering from her grandparents, who provide support for who she is and who she is becoming.

Indeed, research has shown that grandparent–grandchild interaction is related to better cognitive and social–emotional outcomes for grandchildren. Grandparents are often role models, discuss appropriate behavior, and provide advice and emotional support. Involved grandparents can also work with parents to enforce consistent norms and monitor children’s activities. Grandparents serve as buffers between parents and grandchildren when parent–child relationships are strained. And grandparents can provide free childcare. Research is consistent that kids benefit from relationships with grandparents.

My daughter is gaining so much from her grandparents. She gets playmates who will teach her the rules of a game and let her win (sometimes). She gets to have trustworthy people who she can regale with stories, true or not, of happenings at school. She gets a willing audience for showing off new dance routines or art creations. She also gets to have a special adult who she can tell secrets to away from her parents. She gets presents in the mail for birthdays and holidays. She gets lots of caring and more hugs and kisses.

As I pack my bags and ready myself for goodbye to my own grandmother, I reflect on how much she provided support, even at a distance,  just by believing in me.  I know that my 10-year-old is not cognizant of how much she values her relationships with her grandparents.  But, from my own experience, she will.

Robert (Rob) S. WeisskircH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Your Child Receives a Disability Diagnosis: Now What?

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There is no way to be prepared for the mix of emotions that are felt when your child is given a medical diagnosis, especially one you are not familiar with and especially when the diagnosis is defined as a disability.

Permanence can feel overwhelming, and not understanding the disability itself (let alone treatments and therapies) can compound those feelings. Parenting is difficult enough, and unknown curveballs can make it harder.

My husband often reminds me that “Rule #1 is to know the rules.” While there are no defined rules, per se, my number one go-to when feeling overwhelmed with parenting is to first pause and take a deep breath.  Whatever your thoughts and feelings are when receiving a diagnosis for your child, they are valid and individual to you and your experience. Your child, partner, and other family members may have different reactions, and while that can make everything feel more complicated, know that complex emotions and feelings are part of the process. It is a process because once you receive a diagnosis, the next step is starting a new challenge and chapter: treatments, therapies, medications, educational plan, and life.

A natural reaction is to look online for answers, but the internet is a double-edged sword. While it’s filled with knowledge, it can lead people down a rabbit hole that can feel formidable and tiresome. When researching online, seek out credible sources, such as the Mayo Clinic and associations linked to the disability (examples include the Autism Society, the National Organization on Disability, and the Tourette Association of America).

Local organizations such as Special Kids Connect (SKC) are valuable resources for Monterey residents. This nonprofit “supports individuals with disabilities throughout their lives, their families, and our community by connecting families, sharing resources, and offering recreational programs for children and young adults that promote social skill development and inclusion in community settings.” In 2022, a competitive grant award from the California Department of Developmental Services and the California Department of Education designated Special Kids Connect as Monterey County’s first Family Empowerment Center, allowing them to provide a variety of educational support, community programs, a resource directory, workshops, events, and more.

Their Mom’s Nights Out social events provide support for parents to share experiences and provide references and referrals and a sense of camaraderie. Many national associations have support groups as well, such as monthly Zoom calls, conferences, children and family camps, webinars, and resources. They often have resources to share with schools and educators, which can be especially helpful in IEP meetings and trainings.

“Challenging” is a tame word to describe navigating the American medical system, and obtaining a medical diagnosis for a disability can be a lengthy and costly process. Give yourself permission to seek second opinions and/or different providers if you are not comfortable with a doctor, therapist, etc. Trust your gut and find supportive staff who will be thorough and informative to your child and family. It can be frustrating feeling like you are starting over but will be worth it in the end to have medical providers whom you feel comfortable with. Local families are also amazing resources for referring doctors, therapists, and other programs and services.

As every child is different, so is each diagnosis. Disabilities are complex and manifest differently in everyone. Lean on medical professionals and service providers you trust, and when researching on your own, seek out credible sources and lean on other families for knowledge, guidance, and support.

Nurturing Smiles: Your child’s first dental visit

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A child’s first dental visit can be a significant milestone in their life, and proper preparation is key to ensuring a positive experience.

Here are effective ways to prepare your child for their inaugural trip to the dentist, setting the foundation for a lifetime of healthy smiles.

1. Start Early. Early introduction to the concept of dental care can help alleviate anxiety. Begin talking to your child about the importance of keeping their teeth clean and healthy from a young age. Use age-appropriate language and consider incorporating books and videos that make oral hygiene fun.

2. Choose the Right Dentist. Selecting a pediatric dentist who specializes in treating children can make a significant difference in your child’s first dental experience. These professionals are trained to create a child-friendly environment, using techniques that cater specifically to the needs of young patients. Research local pediatric dentists, read reviews, and ask for recommendations from friends or your child’s pediatrician. One place to get information is the Monterey Bay Parent Facebook group.

Questions to ask when you make your first calls or in your research include whether you will be allowed to be with your child for all procedures, whether treatment rooms are private or with a group, what types of sedation are available, and whether your insurance is accepted.

3. Role Play. Before the big day, take turns playing the dentist and the patient, allowing your child to become familiar with the idea of someone looking at their teeth.

Dr. Kenji Saisho of Central Coast Pediatric Dental Group offers this advice: “Getting a child ready for their first dental visit can be a very fun experience. Practice with your child by going through an inspection of their teeth, counting teeth, brushing, and practicing brushing. There are many good videos on YouTube, both old and new, from Elmo and Barney to more modern versions. Overall, making it a fun and positive experience in preparation will make it the same in the office.”

4. Explain the Process. Demystify the dental visit by explaining each step in a positive and age-appropriate manner. Emphasize that the dentist is there to help keep their teeth healthy and strong. Use positive language.

5. Visit the Office in Advance. Familiarize your child with the dental office environment by scheduling a brief visit before the actual appointment. Allow them to explore the waiting area, meet the staff, and perhaps even sit in the dental chair. Familiarity can ease anxiety, making the actual visit less intimidating.

6. Be a Positive Role Model. Children often mimic their parents’ behavior, so maintain a positive attitude about dental visits. Share your own experiences, emphasizing the importance of regular check-ups and good oral hygiene. Avoid expressing anxiety about dental procedures.

7. Bring Comfort Items. Allow your child to bring a comforting item, such as a favorite toy or blanket, to the dental appointment. Having a familiar object can provide a sense of security during the visit, helping to ease any apprehension.

Preparing your child for their first dental visit is an important step in fostering a positive attitude toward oral health. That first encounter with the dentist can pave the way for a lifetime of good oral care and healthy smiles.

Our Favorite Books About Parenting

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Here are some of our favorite books about parenting, perfect for gifting to yourself or parents-to-be.

The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children by Dr. Shefali Tsabary

In Tsabary’s conscious approach to parenting children serve as mirrors of their parents’ forgotten self. Those willing to look in the mirror have an opportunity to establish a relationship with their own inner state of wholeness. Once they find their way back to their essence, parents enter into communion with their children, shifting away from the traditional parent-to-child “know it all” approach and more towards a mutual parent-with-child relationship.

Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids by Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD

Caring friendships are a protective factor for children’s mental health. Giving kids the tools they need to deal with the feelings about friends is a powerful step toward protecting and improving their well-being. This entertaining and empowering book addresses a wide range of feelings children have about friends and other kids, including worry, guilt, jealousy, compassion, and gratitude. Through relatable cartoon stories, kids get a hands-on approach that they can put into practice.

Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—And What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace

An investigation into the deep roots of toxic achievement culture that draws on interviews with families, educators, and an original survey of nearly 6,000 parents. Wallace exposes how the pressure to perform is not a matter of parental choice but baked in to our larger society. As a result, children are increasingly absorbing the message that they have no value outside of their accomplishments, a message that is reinforced by the media and greater culture at large. Wallace shows what kids need from the adults in the room is not more pressure, but to feel like they matter, and have intrinsic self-worth not contingent upon external achievements.

Social Justice Parenting: How to Raise Compassionate, Anti-Racist, Justice-Minded Kids in an Unjust World by Dr. Traci Baxley

Dr. Baxley, a mother of five herself, suggests that parenting is a form of activism, and encourages parents to acknowledge their influence in developing compassionate, socially-conscious kids. Importantly, Dr. Baxley also guides parents to do the work of recognizing and reconciling their own biases.

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, M.D.

The authors of this pioneering, practical book offer a revolutionary approach to child rearing with twelve key strategies that foster healthy brain development, leading to calmer, happier children. The authors explain the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures.

A Few of Our Favorite Monterey County Parks

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For a kid, there is nothing quite like the exhilaration of exploring a new park! From pump tracks to hiking trails to birthday party venues, Monterey County has a wide variety of parks to get outside and play. How many of these family favorites have you visited?

MARINA

Marina Library Park (Locke-Paddon). This playground right outside the Marina Library is surrounded by beautiful trees and picnic tables. It features a new Martin Luther King, Jr. sculpture garden. This sculpture by artist Barrington C. McLean is surrounded by etched pavings of King’s “I Have a Dream” speech. Come out for kindness rock painting each Saturday from 9:00 a.m.–1:00 p.m. outside the library. Bathrooms are available during library hours.

Glorya Jean Tate Park. This park has recently undergone major improvements and now features Monterey County’s first pump track! Bike enthusiasts of all ages can enjoy the 30,000-square-foot paved pump track. Skateboarders or scooter riders are welcome, too. There is a smaller area for beginners. In addition to the pump track, Glorya Jean Tate Park features a playground, field, and picnic area. There is parking available and the park is dog-friendly.

MONTEREY

Dennis the Menace Playground. This iconic Monterey park was designed by the creator of Dennis the Menace and features a snack shack, paddle boats, and several play structures for kids of all ages. There is a parking lot and bathroom available. This popular park is busy on the weekends so visit on a weekday for a less crowded experience.

Hilltop Park. This 2.8-acre park has a gated-in toddler structure, basketball and tennis courts, and views of the ocean! It has a grassy field to play soccer or toss a frisbee. The on-site community room can be rented out and offers classes for adults and children. There is a preschool on-site so the park is closed from 11:30 a.m.–12:00 p.m. on weekdays during this time.

SALINAS AND PRUNEDALE

Manzanita Park.  Manzanita Park is a large county park with seven miles of dog- and horse-friendly trails. There are soccer and baseball fields, restrooms, and a playground that recently got a makeover.

Tatum’s Garden. Founded in 2013, Tatum’s Garden is the first fully accessible playground in the tri-county area and is managed by the Tatum’s Garden Foundation. The park has a parking lot and large restroom facilities. The farm-themed playground features slides, climbing structures, and instruments. Local mother Monika Schmidt mentions, “I love that you can hold birthday parties there if you are early enough to grab a table.”

Toro Park. Toro Park is a 4,756-acre county park that is dog friendly with over 20 miles of hiking trails. It has playgrounds, fields, and bathrooms. This is a great location to see wildlife and wildflowers in the spring. There are several barbecue picnic areas that you can rent out for a special event.

Say Cheese: Where to take family photos in Monterey County

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With our phones always by our sides, taking photos of our family and friends has never been easier. Not to mention, we live in one of the most beautiful places in the country with a variety of gorgeous settings for our precious keepsakes. Here are some locations and tips to get results that do your adorable kids and your beautiful community justice.

Suggestions for your next photo session:

MONTEREY The area around Colton Hall offers excellent architecture and natural beauty. Stroll along Pacific Street down to Alta Bakery in the Cooper-Molera Adobe on Munras. You’ll find beautifully textured buildings and walls that make great backdrops. Colton Hall’s steps offer many opportunities for larger groups—position everyone on a different step, put your phone on a timer, and set it on the ground at the base of the steps for a great angle.

CANNERY ROW How about a sundae or cone at Ghiradelli to provide a sweet prop for your photos? The steps in front of Rickett’s Lab and the mural on McAbee Beach are great backdrops. Be sure to get a photo with the arch that crosses Cannery Row in the background. If you’re willing to stop by right after sunrise you’ll get beautiful golden hour lighting.

MONTEREY BAY COASTAL RECREATION TRAIL This may be the ultimate photo spot on the peninsula. On the Pacific Grove end, you’ll find numerous spots for beautiful backdrops and small beaches perfect for play and picnic shots. In April and May, the magic carpet comes alive with beautiful purple flowers that make for a must-take photo (please don’t trample the flowers; position your subjects on the edge of the beds or on the path itself!). The beach at Lovers Point is excellent for children-at-play shots. The large wall protects the beach so it’s always a bit warmer than surrounding areas. Kids can play in the sand and wade in the water, giving you a ton of photo ops.

As you head toward Monterey, the area just south of Old Fisherman’s Wharf offers a beautiful view of the wharf behind you. If you can get around sunrise, you’ll be rewarded with beautiful orange and pink skies.

ASILOMAR IN PACIFIC GROVE Awesome for sunset shots. But don’t limit yourself to the beach; walk up to the Asilomar Hotel and Conference Grounds and along the winding boardwalk for a different angle. Take a photo of your child running down the path toward you with the dunes and blue sky in the background.

CARMEL Enjoy the storybook vibes of downtown Carmel with its adorable cottages, gardens, and brick paths. Devendorf Park is a great place to start. The greenery makes a nice backdrop and the giant oak is perfect for framing a photograph of the family. Take advantage of the Carmel Shell Mural, located at the corner of 6th Avenue and Mission Street. Painted by Marie-Clare Treseder Gorham, a Carmel-based folk artist, it’s a keepsake photo, especially for those whose stay in our community won’t be permanent. Close by is Der Ling Lane Passageway, a tiny opening off Ocean Avenue. The string of lights and arched opening form a lovely backdrop.

A can’t-miss beach shot in Carmel is Ribera Beach. You’ll find it just past Carmel River Beach. It’s not easy to get to, and the paths down to the beach can be slippery, but it’s a beautiful location worth the walk to add a stunning landscape to your photos. During the spring, the hillside is covered with flowers, so you get beauty no matter which way you look. Remember that you cannot swim here; even wading is not advised. Several relatively easy hiking trails lead to and from the beach to add to the fun factor.

Head down Highway 1, a little farther to Point Lobos State Natural Reserve. Enjoy this favorite park’s wide variety of trails, but avoid peak time by going on weekdays or near closing and be sure to wear sturdy shoes. Slightly overcast days are perfect for visiting since the harsh overhead light can make sunny-day photos difficult.

HIGHWAY ONE TO BIG SUR Keep driving, and you’ll find Garrapata State Park. This is a must-see location when the winter/early spring lilies are out (February–mid-April). Be prepared for mud with boots, and carefully tread the slippery paths. It’s a quick scenic walk to Calla Lily Valley, about 0.5 miles from the Highway. To get there, park at the dirt parking area near mile marker 63. You’ll find a trailhead that leads into the valley.

Finally, Big Sur. There are endless stops for photos along Highway 1 into Big Sur. If you’re going to try for a Bixby Bridge shot, aim for early morning for the least number of visitors. Park on the northeast side opposite of the coast and position your subjects with the bridge behind them. You won’t get as much of the ocean, but you’ll get the vast expanse of bridge in your shot. Another location perfect for a family shot is McWay Falls. The walk to the falls overlook is only about 0.25 miles, and you’re rewarded with the beauty of the rushing falls behind your subjects.

SALINAS Check out the murals around downtown for colorful backdrops and a bit of history. The farmers market on Saturday mornings in the 200 block is a prime time for photos. Toro Park along Highway 68 provides a beautiful backdrop—during the spring, it comes alive with color, and the rolling hills are a pretty frame for family photos.

The Farm, right off Highway 68 near Spreckles, offers a multitude of photo ops in spring and summer. Stop by on a flower-picking day for great photos of the kids among blooms.

Parenting OC