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Monterey Bay Parent » Grandma Says

Grandmas in Hawaii

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A longtime friend and I are currently on what has become a yearly trip to Hawaii. We call ourselves “The Traveling Grandmas” and use our yearly trip to relax and rewind from our busy lives as parents, grandparents, and employees.

While a Hawaiian vacation is a “bucket list” thing for many people, it doesn’t need to be. Getting there is straightforward: no passport required, a relatively short flight from California, and plenty (or nothing) to do.

If you want to travel somewhere warm and tropical but don’t want to break the bank, keep reading. These tips focus on Waikiki, but many can be used elsewhere.

Getting There

My favorite airline is Southwest: they don’t charge to change your flight, so if you decide to extend your vacation, it’s simple to do so. Also, if you’ve bought your ticket and then see a sale, you can rebook the same flight and get the difference in travel funds to use later. One downside that some people don’t like is their boarding group system. It is not assigned seating, so that can be a challenge.

As with airlines, you have many choices on accommodations. You will find everything from “it’ll do” hotels with small rooms and cheap price tags to five-star luxury resorts. While we usually stay in the middle of Waikiki, where there is more action, more restaurants, and easier walking distance to everything, we tried something new this year, and we’re delighted with the hotel. It is on the main beach-front street in Waikiki, at the end by the zoo. Previously the Aston Waikiki, the Twin Fin was remodeled and re-opened in November 2022. Across from the Twin Fin is a walled-in beach area like a swimming lagoon. With the Twin Fin facing the lagoon and just across the street, it is a perfect location for families with children. This area of Waikiki is quieter than the others, and you can see Diamond Head from your lanai if you get an oceanfront or Diamond Head view room. The Twin Fin is not a five-star hotel: the hallways are very plain, as are the rooms. But it is clean and comfortable, has a nice pool, and the staff is the most friendly we’ve encountered.

Here is a savings tip we discovered that most hotels don’t advertise but will give it to you if you ask: if you stay 14 nights or longer, they will waive the resort fee. That is a significant savings and allowed us to go from a two-week vacation to a 17-night break.

Exploring

The initial inclination is always to rent a car. However, you can save a lot of money by bypassing the rental car and taking a taxi to your hotel. As mentioned, much of this information is about staying in Waikiki where you can walk to almost everything you need. On the days you want to visit the North Shore or another part of the island, you can rent a car for the day on Turo. This saves money on both car rental costs and parking. Even at the less expensive hotels, parking is about $50 per day. If you use Turo or one of the other small rental companies, you can schedule to pick up in the morning and drop off at night.

One last area where you can save money is dining. Of course, you should splurge on a pricey meal or two (if that’s your thing) while on vacation. But there are many less expensive (and healthy) options available. If you’re a fan of Poke, there are many excellent and affordable options. There is also a variety of Asian food choices. One of my favorite places is Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ. Go in the afternoon and order off the lunch menu. Lots of meat choices are served with rice, salad, and soup.

For breakfast and snacks, there are little stores all over called ABC Stores that have single-serve cereals, oatmeal, sandwiches, and fruit.

Activities

As far as activities, every family or individual is going to want to do something different. Lazy days on the beach are my speed. On this trip, we went on a distillery tour at Ko’olau Distillery to learn how whiskey and gin are made and sample the goods. It was informative and fun. For the active person, there are dozens of hiking trails for every experience level. Snorkeling, parasailing, shark diving, kayaking, paddle boarding…all great outdoor activities. Look for deals via Groupon, or call the company directly for the best deal. If a one-hour cruise on a catamaran sounds good, look for the Na Hoku II boat on the beach out in front of the Moana Surfrider Hotel. The morning cruises are more family-friendly, and it includes drinks for all.

One last piece of advice: put your trip together yourself. Packages can be enticing. But, my experience is that I can find better prices by looking at options often not offered in a package, such as different flight times or out of a smaller airport rather than a busier one. Also, I have saved money by booking the legs of a trip as separate one-way flights rather than one big trip.

This has given you some tips on getting your vacation started. Whatever you do to decompress and relax, enjoy it completely!

TRICIA VLASAK works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures with her grandchildren. Tricia received a Gold Award for personal essay from Parenting Media Association in 2022.

One Thankful Grandma

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There are so many things going on in the world. Things that make us angry, or scared, or worried. Sometimes it seems like the world is going crazy. And it’s hard to not get so wrapped up in those feelings that we forget to notice what is good, and to be grateful for it. So, in this month of thanks, and because this is a grandma column, here are five reasons I’m grateful for my grandkids:

Grandkids give us a chance to experience all the great parts of raising kids, and none of the hard stuff. We get to do fun things with them, and watch our favorite shows, and take them shopping for school clothes, and try to pass on the things old people know about life. But, we aren’t responsible for all of the hard stuff. The daily grind of school schedules, and nutritious meals, and extracurricular activities, and discipline. I love my one day a week of babysitting the grandkids. And I love my quiet home and glass of wine after they go home!

My grandkids have given me the chance to see my baby girl as a mother. I love watching my daughter be a mother. I love that I see in her all the best parts of the women who influenced her the most: me, my sister, and my mother. Watching her brave determination to make her own way, and parent in her own style, is affirmation that I did something right – I gave her the confidence and wings to create a beautiful family.

My grandkids keep my music library relevant. They are young – only three and six. But their musical tastes are very mature. LOL. Through them I discovered Dua Lipa and Lizzo. And nothing makes me smile more than cranking up the tunes and watching them dance and sing.

My grandkids force me to slow down. I’m always packing too much into a day. I work twelve hours a day, then I stop and take care of two or three errands on the way home, and or come home and clean the bathroom or something. I find myself constantly rushing on to the next thing I have to take care of. But my grandkids dawdle. If I need to run errands when I have them, I have learned to relax and not hurry. Because they move at their own pace, and nothing I say or do changes that. When it’s time to leave, they suddenly realize at that moment they need to use the toilet. They must get their socks on just so, because they don’t like the seams rubbing their toes. Then they take several minutes to walk out to my truck and get themselves belted in comfortably. Then we can’t leave the driveway until one of their favorite songs is playing. But you know what? I still get things done. And I’m not stressed out and rushing, because my grandkids behave better and are more happy when we take our time. My blood pressure thanks them!

I’m grateful for the love between me and my grandchildren. I love how their little faces light up when I go to their house. I love the excited way they yell “Grandma!” when they see me. I love the feeling of peace and contentment I feel when I sit on the couch and hold them and they wrap their sweet little arms around my neck and lay their head on my shoulder. I love the way they smell. I love that their existence has healed my heart in so many ways. I love that they love me.

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother and grandparent. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.

When Grandparents Divorce

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Although most studies cite 2019 as the year divorces hit a 50-year low of 7.6%, COVID seems to have had a devastating effect on marriage. By the end of 2020, the divorce rate was 24%. By 2021, it had risen to a whopping 34%. Many experts believe 2022 will see that number rise even higher.

According to experts, the lockdown changed things. Social behavior changed. Household demands changed. Schooling and childcare changed.

Everything changed. According to experts, at first, many people thought the lockdown was a nice break from their busy lives. People enjoyed more time with their families and could take a step back and reflect on the things that truly mattered. They used the “freeze frame” of the pandemic as a push-off point for moving forward. However, for many, the lockdown exacerbated imbalanced contributions between partners. Homeschooling, chores, finances–it was a lot to deal with. The added strain to already struggling relationships and the lack of professional help due to closures was the proverbial straw that … you know the rest.

People with young children weren’t the only couples who felt the pain of the pandemic. According to the Pew Research Center, the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled since 1990. There is even a name for it: gray divorce. There has been a sharp rise in “gray divorce” since 2019, and researchers predict that the rate will triple by 2030. There are many reasons for this increase, most of them due to increased life expectancy, a change in divorce stigma, and less willingness to remain in an unhappy marriage.

COVID brought some of that unhappiness into sharp focus when Grandma and Grandpa started spending more time together. Avani Ramnani, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst with Francis Financial, says, “The unexpected in-home isolation puts a sharper focus on issues in the marriage that may have otherwise been overlooked. Loss of income, [loss of] employment, and [loss of] separate routines that allowed healthy time away from each other have produced a perfect storm. With these additional pressures, some marriages are wilting under the added stress.” Further, more women initiate divorce because “These women have had it with their spouses and are ready to get away from all of the tension and fighting.”

I am one of those women who filed for divorce after two years of the pandemic. I am keenly aware of the effect this may have on my grandchildren. Although technically a “step” grandfather, my husband has been the only grandpa my grandkids have ever known. Their other grandfather died long before they were born. So I have been reading a lot about helping the grandkids cope with Grandpa moving out and the possibility they will see him less often. I have learned a few things to help us move forward after our “gray divorce.”

While the grandchildren’s age will affect how they accept and cope with their grandparents’ divorce, most kids feel a sense of loss. Grandparents typically provide a stable, safe relationship for kids. When grandparents split, kids can feel shaken and insecure. The grandparents’ divorce can negatively affect three generations: the grandparents, their children, and their grandchildren. Many studies have shown that grandparental divorce can have a negative impact on how grandchildren view marriage and the sustainability of relationships.

But children are resilient humans. Speaking with them honestly and without malice or anger toward either grandparent, is always the best policy. Move forward with happiness and health as your goal!

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother and grandparent. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.

Moms Flying Solo

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May is the month we celebrate mothers, mother figures, soon-to-be-mothers, grandmothers…pretty much every woman in our lives. I’m going to give a shout out to a group of mothers near and dear to me: single mothers. I was a single mother for 18 years. I had my first child at 22 years old, and my second at 31 years old. I didn’t marry for the first time until I was 40. So I feel fairly qualified to speak on single motherhood! And, let me tell you, it is not a role for the weak.

According to the 2021 U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 80 percent of the approximately 11 million single-parent families with children under the age of 18 were headed by single mothers.

A CONSTANT BALANCING ACT

Being a single mother is a balancing act. You have to nurture and discipline. You have to make a living and a home. You have to figure out how to supervise your children from afar, because you aren’t always available. It is exhausting. And yet, it is so rewarding. Having happy, healthy children and a peaceful home that you’ve provided all by yourself is a feeling I can’t describe. But even the most independent parent can’t do it all alone. We need our own little village. If you are a friend, neighbor, or relative to a single parent, you may wonder if there is anything you can do to help. What are some of the challenges unique to single parenthood, and how can you play a positive role? Read on.

LONELINESS

Being the only parent means your days are busy from the time you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night. Work, maintaining a household, getting kids to school and activities leaves very little time for anything else.

Single parenting can be very lonely. Other than work, adult interaction is difficult to come by. And most single parents won’t ask someone to drop by, or meet them for thirty minutes for a cup of coffee. If you are in the position to offer some conversation and coffee, make it a point. You could very well make a single mom’s day!

FINANCIAL ISSUES

Even two-income families struggle with finances. With the rising rate of inflation, the burden is being felt even more by single parents. The cost of childcare is astronomical, groceries have gone up at least 25% in the last few years, and let’s not even talk about the price of gas right now. I honestly don’t know how single parents are holding it together right now. It was tough twenty years ago, but it was manageable. Now? Not so much. If you are close with a single mother, you may want to help. Offers of money will probably be refused. But, an occasional meal? A gift card delivered anonymously? You may be surprised what a difference you can make.

GUILT

Guilt plagues the psyche of many a single parent. We can’t do enough. We can’t afford enough. We’ve burdened our children with our own choices. Add to that, single mothers are often judged by society for the very same things we beat ourselves up over. For as long as I can remember, many of society’s ills were blamed on the “breakdown of the family unit.” Single mothers were more likely to have sons who went to prison, they were more likely to be on public assistance, they were more likely to go to jail themselves, and their daughters were more likely to become single mothers. Blah blah blah. It’s enough to knock a person’s confidence down several notches. But, sometimes one compliment would make my day better. “Your kids sure are well behaved!” “You really handle everything with so much grace.” “I’m so proud of everything you have accomplished.” A little encouragement goes such a long way!

A LOT OF JOY

The counter to all of these challenges is the unique sense of joy that comes with raising your kids alone. I remember feeling like my kids and I were this can-do, we’ve got this, full-of-fun team. There was nothing we couldn’t conquer together. Even now, with my kids grown and moving on with their lives, and me married and doing my own thing, I feel this settled and content feeling on the rare occasion I get to spend time just me and my two kids. I’d never give that up. It’s something I’d never know if I had not raised my kids alone. Another thing I believe my single parenthood gave my kids was growing up in a secure, stable home. They never had to witness the two adults who made them having conflict. They never had to choose sides. Our home was battle-free, with no arguing or fighting for them to endure. It was a pretty peaceful environment, and I’m glad my children know what a calm and safe environment feels like.

This Mother’s Day, give a high five or a gift card or a hug to the single mothers in your life. They deserve it. They don’t have a partner to help the kids do something special for them. You could make someone’s day even more special!

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.

The Grandkids are in the House!

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As a young mother, spring break was a mixed bag. There were some years the stars aligned, and I was able to take the week off with my kids. Thankfully, they were in the same school district and were off the same week, even though one was in high school and one was in elementary school. Other years, spring break filled me with panic. What would I do with my kids for a week off school? As my daughter became a teenager, could I trust her to responsibly watch her little brother (who was ten years younger)?

As a grandparent who has been at the same job for almost thirty years, I can take off work when I need to. If you are also one of the lucky ones, or you are already retired, consider helping your children out with childcare over this spring break. The extra time with the grandkids is so rewarding.

The next question is what to do with those youngsters for five days in a row? If you are a grandparent watching the kids, or a parent home with the kids for spring break, read on!

PLAY TOURIST

When was the last time you visited a tourist attraction? There’s a reason why visitors from all over the world come to the central coast. This is a great time to revisit (or visit for the first time) one or more of the attractions that make our community so popular.

A few suggestions to get you started:

  • Point Sur State Lighthouse. Pt. Sur lighthouse and its supporting light station buildings, now a California State Historic Park, stand atop a dramatic volcanic rock just off-shore in Big Sur. Tours are scheduled on Saturdays, Sundays, and Wednesdays. No reservations are accepted. It’s first-come, first served so plan on arriving early to avoid disappointment. Fun for kids older than 10 or so who are able and willing to walk at least a mile.

  • The Monterey Zoo. Home to numerous types of lions, tigers and leopards, a black bear, elephants, zebras, lemurs, a Capuchin monkey, and baboons. It’s a small, well-laid-out zoo that is fun for kids of all ages plus it’s stroller friendly. Open daily except for holidays from 10 am – 3 pm.

  • Whale watching. April is the start of Killer Whale season on Monterey Bay. You may also see other wildlife including dolphins, sea turtles, sea lions, and birds. There are numerous whale watching tour options out of Monterey and Moss Landing (leaving from Moss Landing means a shorter ride to open sea). Educational and fun for kids older than about five, a whale-watching excursion would be a special treat for all of you.

  • Pacific Grove Museum of Natural History. The Museum is a great place for children to have some educational fun.  Ask for a Scavenger Hunt sheet from the front desk and search the galleries for natural wonders. A new feature,  The Nature Exchange, opens in April and offers guests the opportunity to learn about and trade natural items. The Museum is free for Monterey County residents. After your visit head across the street to Jewell Park and picnic in the gazebo or walk down to Lovers Point Park and spread out a blanket in the sun.


FAMILY HISTORY LESSONS (BUT FUN ONES!)

Family history matters, and kids love hearing about their parents and grandparents “in the old days.” Dig out those old photos: those pre-digital-camera gems from the days when you couldn’t pre-screen and approve every photo that was taken. You remember–when you crossed your fingers, had the film developed, and then laughed because everyone looked weird. Let the kids choose their favorite photos of their parents, grandparents, or their dad’s childhood dog. Scan them and print them out, and let the kids put together a scrapbook of their family’s history. Let the kids write out the captions. You will be entertained, but you will also be fostering a connection between the children, their parents, and their grandparents. Vacations, first days of school, winter formals are all priceless memories that will help them understand their parents and grandparents a little better.

BUILD SOMETHING

One of my granddaughter’s favorite things to do at my house is spending time in the garage with grandpa, using tools. They’ve built boxes, made “swords” out of scraps of wood, and glued nuts and bolts onto wood (interpretive art, anyone?). Many stores, such as Home Depot and Michael’s, have kits that kids can put together–items like birdhouses, wooden cars, and wind chimes. Take them to the store and let them pick something out, then spend the afternoon building their masterpiece.

JUST BE TOGETHER

One of the best and most rewarding things you can do with your grandchildren is to BE with them. Children live such scheduled and busy lives these days that sometimes a break from activity is just the ticket. Cook them a leisurely breakfast. Spend time sitting and talking to them about whatever comes up. Go for a walk and enjoy the outdoors. If you have a couple of old cell phones, charge them up and let the kids use them as cameras. Sometimes seeing the world through their eyes is priceless.

Enjoy your time with the kids. Then, on Friday night, relax with a glass of wine and catch up on your sleep!

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.

This Isn’t easy: Coping With Pandemic Anxiety, Depression, and Sadness

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We’ve reached the one-year mark of life since we hit “pandemic mode.” Most of us believed the lockdown was only going to be for a few months, at the most. Depending on where you live, that lockdown has been in effect in varying degrees for 12 months now. Many people have lost jobs, homes, and – most tragically – family members. One year feels almost too soon to look back and reflect. We’re not yet through it, and folks are still struggling. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Vaccines are being dispersed at an increasing rate every day. Doctors are learning more about the virus and how to treat it. And we are all becoming experts at keeping our hands and the surfaces we touch spotless!

I have been fortunate. No one in my family has gotten sick. I work for the government, so my job has continued. We’ve had to modify how we do business, but I’ve never been out of work, and I’ve been able to pay my bills. I don’t have young children, so I haven’t had to juggle remote learning with working at home. I am grateful for these things. But I do see how hard this is for young families and younger people in general.

A recent study from Psychiatry Research notes high levels of depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms in young adults. Some psychologists are quick to note that this age group (18-30) had a higher incidence of mental health issues even before the pandemic, but they admit the pandemic has exacerbated them. The Psychiatry Research study participants noted higher levels of loneliness and “COVID-19-specific worry,” as well as a “low tolerance for distress.”

Children and teens are experiencing their share of problems, too. The pandemic has necessitated sweeping changes to the way kids learn, play, and socialize. The closure of schools and the cessation of extracurricular activities means that kids no longer have the same access. Their worlds have been turned upside down, and, for some, it has been devastating. There is an increased risk of depression when teens experience tumultuous emotions, even during “normal” times. During the teen years, peers are what keep most kids grounded. We’re all social beings but, for teens, that is even truer. And less access to their friends can have overwhelming consequences. Substance abuse among teens is, once again, on the rise. Depression and anxiety are often cited as the impetus for drug and alcohol use.

My daughter has managed to keep life reasonably regular for my grandkids. But, as she has pointed out, my grandson (who will be two in April) won’t remember a time before COVID-19. And my granddaughter, although a happy and well-adjusted kid, has moments of melancholy. My daughter and her husband were in the middle of buying a new house when the lockdown went into effect. They moved on April 1 of last year. Their new home is gorgeous, with a beautiful yard complete with a swimming pool, rock waterfall, and slide. Most kids would love to live there. But my granddaughter recently said to her mom that she missed their old house. After some digging, my daughter realized that my granddaughter associated the old house with more happiness. She didn’t understand that the pandemic changed everything. She just knew that, after they moved, school closed, mom was working from home full time, everyone was more stressed out, and she didn’t get to play with her friends.

There are ways we can deal with minor mood changes:

  • Limit your exposure to news

  • Take a break from social media when possible

  • Stay connected with friends and loved ones, even if it’s just with a quick text every few days

  • Eat well, drink water, get some sleep, and get outside and move.


But how do we know when our children (or us) may need to see a mental health professional?

Here are a few situations that may warrant a call for help:

  • If fears, worries, and anxieties seem excessive.

  • If there has been social withdrawal.

  • If there are drastic (unintentional) changes in eating and sleeping.

  • If there are frequent feelings of anger.

  • If there is a growing inability to cope with daily problems and activities.

  • If there is evidence of substance abuse.

  • In children, if there is hyperactivity, that is not normal for that child.

  • Persistent nightmares or unsettling dreams.

  • Unusual aggression.


These signs are a few indicators that professional help may be beneficial. If you don’t know who to call, a quick google search for “where can I find mental health help in my area” will give you useful starting points. If there is any indication of suicidal ideation, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

(1-800-273-8255).

I’ll leave you with something I read online and now think about when I’m having a dark day:

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%…and that’s pretty good.”

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. To read more of Tricia’s article, click here.

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