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What My Grandchildren are Helping Me Learn About Racism

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When I received the suggested topics for this month’s edition, I considered going in several directions. I can ramble on about a few topics for hours (ask me about my dogs and the benefits of pet ownership!). Others, such as race issues, I actively avoid. As a middle-aged, middle-class white woman, I feel woefully unqualified to speak on anything related to Black history. It’s not my story to tell, and I would much rather listen to people of color who have something to say than attempt to add two cents. After being reminded that February is Black History Month, I began thinking about my grandkids.

My grandkids are the light of my life. They are beautiful and smart and opinionated, just like their mama. As it was with their mama, I would do anything to protect them, keep them safe, and ensure their happiness. Which, I suppose, is what inspired me to tackle something related to Black History Month. You see, my grandchildren are mixed-race. They are Hispanic, Black, and white. Until I began to educate myself on racial issues in our country, I don’t think I gave that more than a passing thought. Like most white people, I live in a white-centered world. However, I want to do better. So, years ago, I began a quest to educate myself about racism in our country. I started reading books and articles that could help me see the world through a lens other than my own. It has been an enlightening and humbling journey, and I still have a long way to go. I’m hoping other grandparents will find value in some of the things I have learned.

Why educating myself matters

In most white households, there isn’t a lot of discussion about race. It generally doesn’t affect us, so why talk about it? We don’t experience it, so why are the discussions important? I’ll tell you why: because there are things we do and say every day that reflect how we were raised and our current environment. We live in a world in which white people made the rules, and everyone else had to follow them. It’s an uncomfortable discussion, but an important one. We all need to get used to speaking plainly and openly. And if you, like me, have mixed-race grandchildren, it’s essential to get comfortable with this topic. Don’t know where to start? Keep reading.

Our words are important

As I mentioned, my grandkids are mixed-race. Mom is half white, half Hispanic. Dad is half white, half Black. My granddaughter, their first child, was born with beautiful cocoa-colored skin, curly dark hair that falls in ringlets, and crystal-blue eyes. She is stunning. One of the words many people use when talking about mixed-race children is “exotic.” But, from what I have read, that’s not always seen as a positive thing. They are not colorful birds or a rare piece of art from a foreign country. Although many of us may think calling someone “exotic-looking” is a compliment, I have learned that most mixed-race people do not interpret it that way. Their value is not in their racial identity; it is in who they are as people. Focusing on their coloring makes them feel like an object, not a valuable person.

Having Black family doesn’t make you immune from racism

One of the first things I became aware of when I started my reeducation five years ago was that loving a Black person does not mean you have conquered racism. Conquering racism is not about your relationship with a person of color. It is about your relationship and willingness to hold yourself accountable and to call out other white people when they cross a line. Every. Single. Time. Hold your other white family members accountable for even subtle racism. When you pay attention, you’ll begin to notice it everywhere: in words they choose, in their political views, in almost every aspect of life. Subtle racism is so inherent in white culture that most of us don’t even know we are participating. I will admit this one is probably the hardest for me to do. I don’t want to alienate my family. I also know I probably won’t change them. Most of them think I’m a bit crazy, anyway. But I have to be true to my journey, and sometimes that means butting heads with family members!

Acknowledge color

Another way we can help our mixed-race grandkids is to see and acknowledge color. Being “color-blind” is not possible, nor is it healthy. Pretending everyone is the same is not helpful. Just as equality and equity aren’t the same. The solution to a society that has traditionally treated people of color differently is not to feign blindness. What is helpful is to treat everyone with dignity and respect. You can do that by acknowledging the unique traditions that are part of Black culture.

Children as a reflection

Lastly, understand that your grandchildren are the total of their influences, including their parents and grandparents. We like to say that “children are our future.” In reality, they are a reflection of the past: of all of us. They don’t start out caring about race, color, nationality, etc. But, somewhere along the line, they see us. They mimic us. And then they become us. Make sure you are worthy of being emulated. Don’t expect them to overcome your racism. That’s your job. And it’s something you will need to work on every day for the rest of your life. Be open to your shortcomings, and make a sincere effort to change them. Stop being defensive when the issue of privilege comes up. Resist the urge to start any sentence with, “Not all white people…” These are things you can do every day to fight racism and leave a better world for your grandchildren.

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures.

Pandemic Parenting: Lessons Learned

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We are learning many things from this pandemic: some good, some not so good. We are having to rethink how we live our lives, how we manage our businesses, and how we are raising our families. The decision to limit access to iPads, video games, and other electronic devices wasn’t such a big deal when my children were small. We didn’t have many choices. I used to put on a “Baby Einstein” video for my son so I could take a shower while he sat in his swing, watching bright geometric shapes float across the screen. But kids today are overwhelmed with exciting–and addictive–electronic options. Most parents limited their children’s screen time–until the pandemic.

SCREENTIME AND TODDLER DEVELOPMENT

You probably know that to facilitate normal brain development toddlers must have exposure to stimuli. Manipulating objects, banging on drums, clapping hands, learning to climb, opening and shutting doors, moving to music, learning to recognize shapes and colors are examples of how toddlers’ brains make neural network connections. Pre-pandemic, finding opportunities to stimulate toddlers was easier: a trip to the park, a tumbling class for tots, and daycare all offered enough activity to spark those neurons. Now, however, toddlers are spending more time indoors and more time with the same few people. In many households, one or both parents are also trying to work from home and likely aren’t able to focus all of their attention on their child’s brain development. That’s where electronics come in. A quick online search can come up with dozens of “brain games” for toddlers, most of them developed with professional guidance. Interactive games, videos showing positive social interaction between children, and watching dancing or musicians playing instruments can spark those neurons. Parents may need to consider easing up on their rules regarding screen time to ensure their toddlers are getting the brain stimulation they need.

MEALTIME TOGETHERNESS

Of course nothing can take the place of actual person-to-person interaction. Like puppies learn to be dogs from spending time with their littermates, toddlers learn how to be social by being with other toddlers. For most families, this is not possible nor recommended. That makes meals together even more important. This is where I encourage you to put away those electronics I just recommended. As often as possible, sit at a table together, share a meal, and talk. Take turns talking and listening. Include the toddler–even if they don’t speak out loud yet. They are listening, and they often understand what you are saying long before they utter a sound. Children who are included in interactions learn to read facial expressions and body language. Studies show that kids who eat dinner with their families form stronger peer relationships, and engage in less fighting and bullying.

PLAYTIME

Lastly, kids gotta play! If your space at home allows, turn part of the living room into a toddler play area. Places to climb, colorful blocks to stack and knock down, and a rubber mat to fall on. Block this area off to create a safe space for your toddler to run wild. Rotate toys to keep them stimulated. If you have a yard, and the weather allows, do the same thing outside: block off a safe area to let them run free. Go for a walk, talking and exploring. Take a break from your world, and enter theirs. Look at things from toddler height: point out leaves and plants and bugs as you walk. Talk about what you see. What color is it? How does it feel or smell? Is it soft? Hard? Squishy? Stinky? Talking about things as you look at them and feel them helps toddlers make connections in their minds, leading to brain stimulation.

I keep telling my adult kids that life will be normal again–we will get there. We are living through times that will be discussed for generations to come. How we all deal with this–and how we teach our kids and grandkids to deal with it–will determine if those future generations will admire us or believe us to be abysmal failures.

And, as always, if you’re struggling, PLEASE ask for help! We are all in this together, and we all benefit from each other’s success.

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures.

WCGD? (What Can Grandparents Do?)

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There is certainly nothing normal about these times. When I sat down to write this month’s column, I realized there are so many variables impacting all of us: it’s hard to come up with a “one size fits all” article that fits under the heading “Fall Festivities” that my editor assigned.

Instead, I’ve decided to address some of the issues parents may be dealing with now and how grandparents might be able to lend a hand. In other words, what can grandparents do about . . .

SCHOOL

Most of our grandchildren are about a month in with remote learning. How are things going for them? If parents are juggling working outside of the home while their child is at home, conflicts are inevitable. Is there some way you can help with that? If you are retired or working part-time, this may be a solution to many problems. There is some risk, of course, based on outside jobs and exposure. But it is something to consider. Not only would it relieve overburdened parents, but it would give you precious time with your grandkids. Grandparents have a lot of experience to offer, and can undoubtedly be an asset to the parents and the schools for at-home learning.

Taking it one step further, perhaps you can help other families or the school somehow. Making phone calls, sending emails, and arranging “learning pods” are things a grandparent can help with.

If you aren’t physically close enough to help out, can you pick up the tab for your grandchild’s out-of-home educational care? There are several local organizations offering supervised care for children of working parents. What a gift you could give parents by providing financial assistance for one of those programs.

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is something kids look forward to for months. Coronavirus is the real boogeyman that has brought Halloween to a screeching halt. Or has it? Haunted houses and parties and door-to-door trick-or-treating are nixed. But Halloween can still be fun. According to statistics found online (so it must be true…lol), 74% of millennial moms say Halloween is more important than ever this year. What can grandparents do to help create a memorable Halloween? How about going HUGE on your decorating by making your house the one the neighborhood kids ask to drive by every night. Fog machines, lights, tons of pumpkins, inflatable décor… all fun to look at and so festive!

Another idea: if your grandkids can come over on Halloween, why not incorporate an egg hunt concept with Halloween? You can find small plastic pumpkins on Amazon to fill with candy and hide them around your yard (or house if there is uncooperative weather). Dress up for the kids and have a family-only Halloween party.

Or can you rent a screen and projector (or use a large television) to put in your driveway to play Halloween movies. If you’re comfortable with it, invite a few neighbors, your grandkids, and some of their friends to bring their lawn chairs and watch movies at a safe distance.

FALL FUN

One more idea for Fall…get outdoors! I’ve always been a big advocate for camping, and Autumn is the best time. The weather has finally cooled down, the trees are changing colors, and it’s apple season in many California areas. Rent an RV and take the grandkids somewhere fun for a few days. Give Mom and Dad a break, and make some new memories. S’ mores, stargazing, long walks, maybe riding bikes…all great activities.

This year has proven to be a challenge, but one thing that continues to amaze me is the ability of people to adapt. We will get through this together.

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.

Confronting Racism: Setting an Example for Your Grandkids

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There is so much going on in the world, our country, and our cities. I don’t know about most of you, but I’m finding it exhausting. Sometimes it can be challenging to process it all. It can be even more difficult to know what to say to our children and grandchildren about the world. I hear a lot of wishing for the “good old days” from some people my age and older. Days when things were “simple” and we all knew our roles, when Democrats and Republicans could compromise and there weren’t protests and riots every week (do any of them remember the 60’s?). It’s easy to see those times as “better” than today. Here’s the truth: those days were not “the good old days” for most. Just because we weren’t aware of the hatred and discrimination or it didn’t directly affect us does not mean it didn’t happen. It just means we weren’t paying attention.

I’m a middle-class, middle-aged white female. It took a lot of soul-searching, educating myself, and a lot of listening to people who aren’t like me to realize that, yes, I have lived under the umbrella of white privilege for my entire life. I began to realize that “white privilege” doesn’t mean a person has class privilege (although I had that, also). I realized that I did not have to seek out people who looked like me: I could easily find books and greeting cards with faces like mine. I did not need to shop in specialized stores or online to find greeting cards or dolls with skin color like mine. The dolls I grew up with were blond and blue-eyed like me. I did not have to make an effort to find “flesh-colored” pantyhose, panties, or bandages that matched my skin. My skin color was the default. And that is privilege.

This topic has taken on more urgency now that I have grandchildren. My daughter, who is half Mexican, married a young man who is half Black. So, my grandchildren are mixed race. It’s more important to me than ever to make sure that not only do I make sure I am not sending any racist messages, but that I contribute to making the world better for them. I want them to love themselves and their ethnically diverse family.

Many of you, like me, probably never considered yourselves prejudiced. I would never mistreat someone because of the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, or gender identity. I have started to see myself as an ally to marginalized groups. But I have also begun to see the subtle ways that I grew up perpetuating systemic racism. We can’t unravel prejudice and all of the attached issues in a short piece in a parenting magazine. What I want to discuss is this: as parents and grandparents; we have the power to plant a seed. We can set an example for our children and their children. We can begin to educate ourselves and listen to marginalized groups, rather than judging them.

It’s important to remember that pretending not to see color is not the solution to defeating racism. Other cultures are beautiful and colorful and have so much to offer all of us. Why would anyone want to erase that? Acknowledging differences and encouraging exposure to diversity is the best place to start with young kids. Start buying books with ethnically diverse characters and sharing them with your grandkids. Set up a monthly “date” to explore diversity. Go to museums that celebrate those who are different than we are. Try various restaurants that serve cultural food. Make it a game to find toys that are popular in other cultures.

The point is to get a conversation started. And remember they are watching you: pay attention to your statements, attitudes, and actions. Be a part of the solution so that we can leave our grandchildren a much better world.

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.

Meet the Step-Parents and Step-Grandparents

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The so-called “traditional” family is no longer as typical as it once was. Mom and dad, two moms, two dads, grandparents raising their children’s children, a mix of parents and stepparents, are all common and valid and beautiful families. Some of these complex family configurations mean the role of grandparents has changed.

I married my husband when my daughter was eighteen years old, and my son had just turned nine. My daughter moved out on her own shortly after that. Because of the timing, my husband has never really played the role of a father to her. He knew she was too old for him to move into that role, so he wisely took on a role as more of a loving uncle: there when she needed him, but never too pushy or opinionated about parenting issues having to do with her. That worked for a long time.  However, our first grandchild came along four years ago, and my husband’s role changed yet again. He is the only grandpa my grandkids know. My daughter’s children are OUR grandchildren. And I’m pretty sure nothing thrills him more than to hear our granddaughter screech, “Grandpa!” and run into his arms. Watching the love between them is one of the most precious things in the world.

Now, to show that a stepfather’s role is ever-evolving, my husband’s place in my daughter’s life has changed again: my daughter and her husband just bought their first home. Watching them navigate new homeownership has been fun. But it has also allowed my husband to fill yet another role: handyman. He has spent hours at their home fixing leaks, trimming trees, and advising on the issues that go along with homeownership. I know it makes my husband feel good to know that my daughter trusts him and seeks out his expertise. It also strengthens his role as “grandpa” because he is building friendship and trust with my daughter, which is lovely to see.

Thinking about June, and Father’s Day, made me want to shout out to men…especially the ones who are playing those important “father” roles in place of someone else. It is not an easy position to be in, and it is often thankless. It is not always simple to learn the unwritten rules of step-parenting or step-grandparenting. But just from observing these last few years and the relationship my husband has built with the grandkids, I can tell he has learned to navigate those waters. I asked him for some pointers on making step-grandparenting a successful and fulfilling relationship:

• Be patient and let the relationship come to you. If you force it, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. But if you remember just to be yourself, relax, and take a genuine interest in the children, the relationship will develop.

• Don’t overstep your bounds by offering unsolicited parenting advice or opinions to the grandchild’s parents.

• Be available and consistent.

• Build a hobby or interest together; some activity that is all yours. For example, my husband does woodworking and enjoys chopping firewood. My granddaughter loves spending time in the garage with him, building things. She also loves to follow him around on our property, moving chopped firewood and stacking tree cuttings. It’s their “thing,” and she’s always excited when she gets to “work” with Grandpa.

• Accept the grandchild as your own. This one is important.  In our situation, there are no biological grandfathers in the picture, and my husband’s biological daughter does not have children yet. So, there are no issues regarding treating biological and step grandkids differently. But, in some families, there are several sets of grandparents and a mix of bio and step-grandchildren. It is important to learn about each child and have a relationship with each of them based on their own merits, not on who “created” them.

Being a part of a blended family is not easy. So, on this Father’s Day, here’s to the men who take the challenge on with humor, patience, humility, and a lot of love.

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.

Gift Giving Gone Wild

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Now that the holidays are over and there’s a little time until the next gift giving opportunity, can we discuss grandparents and gift giving? Love it or hate it, many grandparents enjoy spoiling our grandkids. Most of us have more time and money than we did as young parents, and we love nothing more than sharing both with our precious grandbabies. Unfortunately, gift-giving can sometimes cause issues between parents and grandparents.

Read any parenting magazine or blog article on the topic and you will usually find one giving parents advice on how to manage grandparents’ gift-giving. The list of complaints from parents is long: grandparents spend too much, they give too much “stuff,” their gifts upstage mom and dad’s gifts, they aren’t age-appropriate, they go against the parents’ values. And sometimes it’s as simple as not having enough room for more stuff.

From this grandma’s viewpoint, most of the complaints from parents are valid. But some of the advice in these articles is just crazy-talk. I read one piece giving the reader “5 Ways to Keep Grandparents’ Gift Giving Under Control.” One of them suggested having the grandparent come over to your house and clean up your playroom at the end of each day. Uhhhhh, no. That won’t be happening–been there, done that, and I did my time!

Thankfully, my daughter and her husband pretty much give us grandparents free reign when it comes to gift-giving for the kids. In return, I pay attention and put a lot of thought into what gifts will please my grandkids and their parents. But I do have a few suggestions that may make gift giving less stressful for everyone. If you are a grandparent, here is some food for thought. (If you are a parent, feel free to share with the grandparents in your life):

  • Pay attention to your grandkids’ personalities. Do they seem scattered and unfocused when they open presents? Do they seem to find too many gifts overwhelming? If they are a more anxious child, this could be the case, and quality will be much more important than quantity. Or is your grandchild a whirling dervish, excited to be ripping open present after present, and loving all the attention? If you don’t see your grandchildren often, their parents are the best source of information and suggestions regarding this. They know their kids the best, so listen to them.

  • Remember that you raised one of your grandchild’s parents. Do you trust that you did a good job? When they make their wishes known regarding gift-giving, don’t question them. Trust them and respect them. If you are over fifty, you were raised in the age of consumption: too much was never enough. But this is a different time. Parents are more conscious of their impact on the environment. As a result, they may want wooden toys rather than plastic. Or they may be raising their kids in a gender-neutral environment, and don’t want baby dolls for the girls and trucks for the boys.

  • Consider giving the gift of your time. If you don’t live reasonably close, this isn’t as easy. But, if you do, why not plan out a “date” with your grandchildren every month? Give them a calendar with pictures of something they love (dogs, cats, skateboarding, etc.), and write in a monthly activity. The zoo, a museum, shopping, an amusement park–making memories is so much better than more “stuff,” and they last longer than any toy. (Obviously, you’d need to discuss the dates with the parents!) If you live further away, perhaps it is possible to plan a more extended visit with just your grandkids.


The bottom line is communication and trust. Grandparents, trust that the people you raised know what they’re doing. Talk to them about how you can enrich the lives of your grandchildren through gift-giving. And, parents, remember that grandparents can play a vital role in helping you raise your children. We can provide extra cushion during hardships and time-crunches, and we can help create a secure connection to family with your kids. Please give us some leeway when we want to spoil those babies. There is nothing like the love of a grandparent. The more people in a child’s life who love and support them, the happier and healthier they will be!

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.

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