September 2022 Archives - Monterey Bay Parent

When Grandparents Divorce

By Tricia Vlasak | August 30, 2022

Although most studies cite 2019 as the year divorces hit a 50-year low of 7.6%, COVID seems to have had a devastating effect on marriage. By the end of 2020, the divorce rate was 24%. By 2021, it had risen to a whopping 34%. Many experts believe 2022 will see that number rise even higher.

According to experts, the lockdown changed things. Social behavior changed. Household demands changed. Schooling and childcare changed.

Everything changed. According to experts, at first, many people thought the lockdown was a nice break from their busy lives. People enjoyed more time with their families and could take a step back and reflect on the things that truly mattered. They used the “freeze frame” of the pandemic as a push-off point for moving forward. However, for many, the lockdown exacerbated imbalanced contributions between partners. Homeschooling, chores, finances–it was a lot to deal with. The added strain to already struggling relationships and the lack of professional help due to closures was the proverbial straw that … you know the rest.

People with young children weren’t the only couples who felt the pain of the pandemic. According to the Pew Research Center, the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled since 1990. There is even a name for it: gray divorce. There has been a sharp rise in “gray divorce” since 2019, and researchers predict that the rate will triple by 2030. There are many reasons for this increase, most of them due to increased life expectancy, a change in divorce stigma, and less willingness to remain in an unhappy marriage.

COVID brought some of that unhappiness into sharp focus when Grandma and Grandpa started spending more time together. Avani Ramnani, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst with Francis Financial, says, “The unexpected in-home isolation puts a sharper focus on issues in the marriage that may have otherwise been overlooked. Loss of income, [loss of] employment, and [loss of] separate routines that allowed healthy time away from each other have produced a perfect storm. With these additional pressures, some marriages are wilting under the added stress.” Further, more women initiate divorce because “These women have had it with their spouses and are ready to get away from all of the tension and fighting.”

I am one of those women who filed for divorce after two years of the pandemic. I am keenly aware of the effect this may have on my grandchildren. Although technically a “step” grandfather, my husband has been the only grandpa my grandkids have ever known. Their other grandfather died long before they were born. So I have been reading a lot about helping the grandkids cope with Grandpa moving out and the possibility they will see him less often. I have learned a few things to help us move forward after our “gray divorce.”

While the grandchildren’s age will affect how they accept and cope with their grandparents’ divorce, most kids feel a sense of loss. Grandparents typically provide a stable, safe relationship for kids. When grandparents split, kids can feel shaken and insecure. The grandparents’ divorce can negatively affect three generations: the grandparents, their children, and their grandchildren. Many studies have shown that grandparental divorce can have a negative impact on how grandchildren view marriage and the sustainability of relationships.

But children are resilient humans. Speaking with them honestly and without malice or anger toward either grandparent, is always the best policy. Move forward with happiness and health as your goal!

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother and grandparent. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.

Seven Tips For Keeping Your Child’s Afterschool Routine Balanced

By Monterey Bay Parent Editors | August 30, 2022

We all want to help our children succeed, and often wonder if we are doing too much or too little. We may think we are guiding them, but might actually be pressuring our kids too much and making them feel as if they are not good enough. Unfortunately, this can lead to stress and anxiety for our children, even at a very young age.

To avoid going down that path, it is important that we offer a positive, balanced approach so they know they are supported, yet have the freedom to be independent as well. If you want to help your kids to do well in school without stressing them out too much, here are some simple things you can do when they are at home:

Create A Happy, Stress-Free Afterschool Routine. From the moment your kids hop in the car afterschool, you can start to ease them into the transition from school to home. Ask them about their day and then provide them with a crucial break time involving healthy snacks and winding down time before they jump into their homework assignments.

Have A Set Time For Homework. Doing homework can be difficult at the best of times, especially when kids have finished school and they want to play or relax. Having a set time for them to do homework will make it easier for them to get into the habit of it. For example, you could let them take a break first by engaging in activities like arts and crafts, exercise, mindfulness, or outdoor play before they get started on their homework. Also, be consistent. By ensuring they do their homework at the same time every day, it will become easier for them to sit down and get it down.

Make Sure They Use The Right Resources. By providing your kids with the right resources, you can encourage them to learn while they are at home. There is an abundance of educational tools online that can help them brush up on certain skills and view concepts they learn at school in a more interesting way. Take a trip to your local library to find books that provide more detail about the subjects they are talking about in school. Or even visit a local science or art museum to enrich their learning experience.

Help Them If They Need It. Perhaps they are having a problem with a certain teacher, student, or subject. Be their voice and do something about it, even if it means addressing bullying. Sometimes, they may need help with their homework. Perhaps you could take a little time and sit down with them to figure out what they are struggling with. This will ensure that they do not get overwhelmed and anxious about getting it wrong.

Have A Positive, Non-Pushy Attitude Toward Learning. It is important that you have a positive, non-pushy attitude towards your children’s learning experience. You want to inspire them, but do not nag. As soon as you nag them, you take all the fun out of it, and stress and anxiety will creep in. Make an effort to use positive language and make them feel good about school, even when they are struggling with a challenging subject.

Never Compare. Try hard not to compare your child to other children, especially their siblings. The fact is, they all develop at different rates. Your child might be a little faster, or a little slower. Comparing them either way will only set them up for failure in the future, so make sure you focus on them and them alone.

Ensure They Get Plenty Of Sleep. Sleep plays a huge part in how well our kids do in school. Make sure they go to bed at a consistent time every night and have a comfortable environment to sleep in. That means shutting down electronic gadgets well before their bedtime, making sure the room is cool enough, and letting them sleep with their favorite stuffed animal or cozy blanket.

SANDI SCHWARTZ is an author, journalist, and mother of two. She has written extensively about parenting, wellness, and environmental issues and is the founder and director of the Ecohappiness Project. Learn more at www.ecohappinessproject.com.

Participation in the Arts Offers a Well-Rounded Education

By Monterey Bay Parent Editors | August 30, 2022

The benefits of an arts education are undeniable. I’ve seen my students and my children light up and lighten up when making their creations—be it writing a new song on the guitar, finding one’s voice to participate in chorus with others, revealing another perspective through photography, storytelling with shadow puppetry or fingerpainting, or character development while performing on stage.

Engaging in performing and visual arts can be transformative for both participant and observer; perhaps that’s why many parents seek out such extracurricular activities for their kids. When touched by the arts, we sometimes tingle with feel-good vibes. For a time, our cares drop away. We’re more likely to become fully present with all of our senses, making memorable moments.

The effects of an immersive arts education experience linger long afterward, whether or not we realize it. Our children stand a bit taller, more confident. Their moods seem to melt into equanimity, becoming more stable, while they’re part of making meaning and cultivating their creativity. Their understanding of humanities broadens when they make personal connections.

Participation in arts education does much more than provide joy, confidence, and Aha! moments, though.

The Brookings Institution conducted a 2019 study in the Houston area that examined the effects of a sustained reinvigoration of schoolwide arts education. This randomized, controlled trial was based on the area’s collective efforts to restore arts education through community partnerships and investments. It included 42 elementary and middle schools with more than 10,000 students in grades 3 through 8. The results might not surprise you, but they’re important to note.

“We find that a substantial increase in arts educational experiences has remarkable impacts on students’ academic, social, and emotional outcomes,” writes assistant professors Brian Kisida and Daniel H. Bowen in their blog.

Kisida and Bowen found that the treatment (vs. control) group in the study had a 3.6 percentage point reduction in disciplinary infractions, an improvement of 13 percent of a standard deviation in standardized writing scores, and an increase of 8 percent of a standard deviation in their compassion for others.

“In terms of our measure of compassion for others, students who received more arts education experiences are more interested in how other people feel and more likely to want to help people who are treated badly.”

Their analysis of results from elementary school students, who were the primary focus of the program, revealed that increases in arts education “positively and significantly” affected school engagement, a desire to attend college, and their inclinations to draw upon works of art as a means for empathizing with others. Students in the treatment group also were more likely to have positive attitudes toward their schoolwork and believe that what their school offered helped retain their interest in attending school.

Some Monterey County school districts have caught on, prioritizing arts education and integration, which is even better. Arts integration is an approach to teaching in which students construct and demonstrate their understanding through an art form.

I’ve been fortunate to gain training in arts integration while teaching summer school. Each summer I’ve taught, I’ve received professional development in the arts through the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts’ Partners in Education program. The program is based on the belief that teachers’ professional learning is an essential component of any effort designed to increase the artistic literacy of youth. The district I work in joined the program as part of the 2016 cohort with Sunset Cultural Center in Carmel-by-the-Sea as its local partner. The purpose of the partnership is to expand and deepen professional arts-integrated learning for teachers who, in turn, guide their students in arts integration experiences to enhance their literacy skills and provide them with tools and strategies for being successful in life.

This past summer, my students learned body percussion, making musical sounds using only their bodies, with a teaching artist from the Kennedy Center. With his guidance, I divided them into teams, and they had to write a team chant combined with their team’s “non-instrumental” music and then perform with confidence and conviction for the other teams (and him).

They learned about tone and pitch as they explored all sorts of sounds they could make with their bodies. Their work together required language and math skills as they navigated creating rhythmic patterns in their beats—and taking on leadership roles. My students had to find a way to collaborate to accomplish the performance task. It took some time, but they were inspired. Their efforts and commitment allowed them to experience the value of teamwork and expressing themselves in a supportive environment.

During the first lesson, my quietest student, who rarely spoke, uncharacteristically grinned and volunteered to be a team leader. By learning with her classmates an art form with which she was unfamiliar, she gained confidence and the willingness to take risks. Her mind was opened to possibilities. By the end of the week, she also took on one of the most visible classroom jobs, and you can bet she was engaged in her learning more than she was the previous week.

This is the power – and the promise – of an arts education.

WENDY J. ROSENTHAL is a writer and credentialed educator certified in Youth Mental Health First Aid. She’s also the parent of two teen boys. She and her children reside in Salinas.

Dance Like Everyone is Watching

By Monterey Bay Parent Editors | August 30, 2022

Kids often fall into one of a few different categories regarding their passions and interests. You have the kids involved in every sport or activity under the sun. Others prefer more individually oriented activities like running, computers, or cycling. Still, others gravitate toward artistic endeavors such as crafts, music, or theatre.

The common factor for most kids is that their choices are usually part of exploring various activities for simple enjoyment. But for some, that initial interest in an activity, sport, or pursuit blossoms into something much more all-encompassing.

For two local young women, dancing has evolved from something to do into something they can’t do without. Dance has become a priority for them and their families in the last several years.

“I spend a lot of time at the studio, which can be seen as a sacrifice,” says 12-year-old dance enthusiast Paige McDonald, “but honestly, I have such great friends, and Tia and Laura have created such a great community; it’s my second home.”

The studio she is referring to is The Dance Center. Located in Carmel-by-the-Sea, the studio offers premier instruction in various competitive and recreational styles, including ballet, pointe, jazz, contemporary, and others. Featuring five different studios within the 7500-square-foot facility, the Center has played a central role in the future dreams of McDonald and her friend and classmate Tes Laflin.

Laflin, 14, and McDonald are joining forces in a duo number this year, hoping to raise their competitive standard to the next level. Both have a long history of recreational and competitive dance pursuits on an individual and team basis, and both are keen on turning professional over the next several years.

Tes showed interest in dancing from a very early age. Although she didn’t begin formal lessons until the age of seven, it was clear that she had a natural ability. “She would climb out of her crib, go into her drawer, grab a leotard, put it on, and then sleep in that,” laughs her mother, Sarah Laflin.

After starting in jazz, Tes moved to contemporary dancing shortly afterward before participating in a team competition. Team competition brought the need for ballet, which is widely considered the fundamental backbone of dance.

Paige also showed early talent after a fortuitous mix-up. As a new dancer, she mistakenly went to a ballet class for more advanced students, only to find herself moved to the class permanently the following week. “That was the start of something … I just felt something was right with ballet.”

The similarities between the two don’t stop there. Both started dancing at age seven, switched to home school to accommodate their rigorous practice schedule, and chose to place their craft above other typical childhood pursuits.

“The sacrifices I have to make are things like not being able to hang out with friends or anything school-related,” Tes says.

For young dancers pursuing a professional career, the investment in time and energy can be significant. Participating in several team, individual, and duo competitions requires four to five hours of training per day, spread over multiple classes. Both girls arrange their schooling around the needs of their practice schedules, completing assignments around the exhausting, rigorous sessions.

“I don’t know how she does it,” laughs Paige’s mom, Aimee McDonald. We just got back from five weeks of intensives. She danced six days a week, eight to nine hours a day.”

Intensives, which many elite dancers attend to further develop their technique and choreography, are pretty much what they sound like: long, multi-hour sessions designed to hone a dancer’s approach, technique, and delivery.

For Paige, the minutia and analysis necessary to perfect specific movements is a large part of the overall appeal. “I remember certain steps just clicking in my mind, and I would be like, ‘Okay, that makes sense now!’” she says. “It makes me have an eye for imperfections, zooming in on the little things.”

Although they are still relatively young, Tes and Paige can attest to the role confidence plays in their journey, especially regarding performance and competition. “You can remember choreography, and you can just do the steps, but it takes confidence to present (it),” remarks Paige. “I’m always thinking, ‘Am I going to remember this?’”

Tes agrees, saying that the moments before stepping on stage can be the most frightening—and the time when confidence is needed most. “I feel like every time I go (to compete), I’m always a little nervous, but once I’m on stage, it all goes away.”

For now, the focus is on building on their past success to improve their chances of one day becoming professional. Both are looking forward to teaming up for the duo competition this year and seeing where the next step will take them individually and as a team. Tes recently took third place in a duo competition at the Youth America Grand Prix (YAGP), which draws competitors worldwide. “My duo partner and I performed last year, took third, and went to their finals in Florida. We were invited back this year and got third place again out of over 100 different competitors. This year, our goal is to place at finals.”

Paige has also found success and dreams of performing as part of a company. “I want to go professional; I want to go into a ballet company where I can dance on the big stage.”

Tes is keener to explore. “I’m still not set on what style I want to go into yet. Whether I would want to do contemporary jazz or straight ballet and pointe.”

Despite the intense individual focus, there remains an element of camaraderie in the world of dance. Both Tes and Paige agree that while their choices demand sacrifice, it often doesn’t feel that way. “I would never say it’s a competitive environment. I mean, you want a little goal or milestone. But when we’re at competitions, everybody is cheering for everybody (else) backstage. Competition has always been a great time.”

Originally from New England, Matt Desenberg is a writer living in Monterey.