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Mental Health is a Family Affair

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You can’t get too far into the days’ news without hearing about the mental health crisis among children and teens. Despite the headlines, there is more to the story. When we talk about children and youth mental health, we should also talk about coping skills. There is good evidence that children are not developing sufficient coping skills to help them overcome small setbacks and bigger adversity. As parents, we can intervene and teach coping skills to inoculate them against anxious and depressive symptoms.

Disrupting thought patterns

One of the proven treatment strategies for anxiety and depression is cognitive behavioral therapy. The underlying premise of this approach, simply put, is that these symptoms come from a negative pattern of thinking that continues, feels uncontrollable, and escalates in intensity. So, it might be a kid who has an off-day at soccer and thinks, “I am not good at soccer.” That notion could repeat as they recall the game, and then it could continue to spread to not being good at schoolwork. Then, that idea may escalate to not being good at anything. Pretty soon, this idea might become internalized to being no good as a person, and that kid could be moving toward the path of depression. This pattern does not necessarily happen quickly, but there are places where parents can help disrupt it, teach their kids how to cope with minor issues like an off-day at soccer, and help them develop healthier thinking patterns.

Improvement through effort

First, parents can be deliberate in providing skills to deal with a setback. Many parents do this instinctively by saying things like, “Everyone has a bad day,” “The team wasn’t working together,” or “We can practice together if you want.” The important elements are for the kid to learn not to place blame on themself and to emphasize improvement through effort. Moving away from the I’m-no-good-at-soccer thinking to “I had one bad day” allows kids not to internalize a setback and blame themselves. Having one bad day opens up the possibility (and hope) that the next game will improve.

Coping with challenges

Parents can directly instruct on how to cope with challenges. If a child is overwrought over tough homework, parents can help them learn to take deep breaths, calm down, and break the challenge down into smaller steps to make it more manageable. If a child is getting frustrated at a task, parents can put words to feelings (i.e., “You are getting frustrated.”) and help the child step back and approach with a calmer tactic. Parents can also model and explain how they cope with challenges. I have relayed to my daughter that when I have a lot of tasks to do, I write down lists so that I do not spend energy thinking about all the tasks that need to be accomplished. I have now seen her write lists for herself when she believes she has many tasks to complete rather than feel overwhelmed with what is being asked of her.

Let them practice their skills

Many kids need more opportunities to problem-solve with their peers and practice good risk-taking. Those times on the playground and in parks with free, unstructured play are all opportunities for learning about problem-solving and coping. Kids, when negotiating play, are learning how to compromise, lead, acquiesce appropriately, and deal with disappointment with their peers, among other skills. Too often, parents and adults step into a play yard dispute or hover too closely, which prevents kids from having the opportunities to develop those skills naturally. Siblings also provide a natural place to practice these skills. Even if siblings are fighting, they are learning negotiation skills in the process and, ultimately, learn that even though they can yell and scream at each other, the other person will still be there. Parents advising to work it out with the sibling or a friend on the playground provide a wise lesson. These are the skills to deal with adversity and challenges when they are bigger problems.

The role of fathers

Dads, in particular, have a specific role in coping skills. Because dads often spend less time with their children than moms, their interactions and dialogue with kids become more concentrated and may have more impact. Also, because men often are less expressive with their emotions, children may not see an array of emotions from their fathers. It may be even more effective when dads talk and demonstrate how to cope with challenges to their kids.

I think 2024 will be about building better mental health for my daughter (and me). January is a good time to pledge to provide regular coaching with your kids on managing stress in healthy and productive ways. My goal is to deliberately discuss with my daughter regularly about how I cope and demonstrate calming techniques for her to use. Imagine how powerful it would be for kids to have the skills to overcome setbacks and achieve their goals. With parents’ support, they can develop these skills and maintain their mental health.

Robert (Rob) S. WeisskircH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Helping Kids Navigate Back-to-School Anxiety

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We live in anxious times. One of the top books of the year is The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. After facing anxiety as an adult, I’ll be the first to admit that I am very glad that I did not grow up with smartphones and social media.

Nefertari Rossell, MA, LMFT, Founder and CEO of Heart and Mind Child and Family Therapy Services, has provided therapy for children with anxiety and a variety of other mental health conditions for 16 years. She also works with religious families. “Children may feel anxious about returning to school for fear they will not be able to conquer the challenges and responsibilities that come with a higher grade level,” she explains. “More than anything, providing space for conversation and understanding about the anxiety present can be healing for the child and the parent–child relationship.”

ALL AGES

  • Try a drive-by: Visit the new school ahead of time just to scope it out—fear of the unknown can be a big factor—and pair it with a pleasant activity like a stop for ice cream or a visit to the park if you can.
  • Rossell emphasizes the importance of deep breathing to manage somatic (physical) symptoms, such as difficulty breathing, stomachaches, headaches, increased bowel movements, or sudden bed wetting. For younger children, she recommends to “offer your child a windmill and have them take deep breaths and blow it four to six times.” 
  • Brainstorm fun things for your student to look forward to at school.
  • “For families of faith, prayer can often be identified as an act of both action and surrender. During prayer, it is important to allow space for your child to pray about things that matter to them. Even in their perceived limitations and innocence, children will identify areas of concern. Provide space for the identification of the worry along with a place to leave it without judgment,” Rossell says.
  • Let them pick out their outfit, prepare their shoes, or fill their backpack for back-to-school: Channel the jitters in a positive direction and give your child agency.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

  • Read a book about starting school together and talk about any feelings that this may bring up for your child.
  • “Offer your little one a way to externalize what they are feeling physically through dance. Two weeks before school starts, incorporating a dance party as part of the nighttime routine will provide your child with one-on-one time with parents or it can be a family affair. You can choose the same going back-to-school song to play every night or you can have your little one choose the song. Either way, incorporating a positive alongside a challenge will often help a child cope and move forward,” recommends Rossell.

MIDDLE SCHOOL OR HIGH SCHOOL

  • Talk to your kid about what is making them feel nervous and acknowledge their feelings, then brainstorm strategies to help them feel better together.
  • Encourage your student to make an in-person plan with friends to reconnect after summer before the first day of school. 
  • Try reflection or structured relaxation through the Calm app.
  • Consider encouraging your student to join a club, sports team, or church group: It can be easier to connect with others over a shared interest.
  • Prioritize sleep and consider yoga or a high-quality magnesium supplement if your doctor supports it.
  • Set time limits on social media or phone usage or consider encouraging a break.

Resilience: One of the Foundations of Mental health

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Imagine these scenarios:

  • Your teenage daughter comes home in what you perceive as deep distress. The cause: Her best friend has defected to a rival group and is exhibiting disdain.

  • Your teenage son, who has been practicing for months for a place on the varsity soccer team, has just learned he won’t make the team.

  • Your ninth grader has studied hard for his American History final, but instead of getting the ‘A’ he needed to advance to the school’s AP program, he gets an entirely unexpected ‘B .’His hopes for getting into the program are dashed for another school year.


These are not uncommon scenarios confronting parents: your kids are suffering, and you feel helpless. Mainly you want to relieve their suffering, so your inclination is to step in and solve their problem–even though you know you can’t. Worse, teenagers are famously reluctant to admit weakness, and because they have an outsized need for privacy, they will likely decline to share the details with you. So you can only hope that they can bounce back from their distress and carry on.

Resilience is often defined as the ability to overcome difficult circumstances, especially those you can’t control. It is that, but it involves more. Being resilient is also confidence that you can deal successfully with future challenges, no matter how daunting. In other words, without necessarily using the term, you hope they are resilient.

In the end, how challenges are handled determines how rewarding our lives will be– and even the lives of those close to us. Positively dealing with failure is important because disappointments and losses will always occur. Life is not fair. Learning to cope with inevitable adversity with confidence is a key marker of resilience.

The good news is that resilience is a skill that parents can model and teach their children. Krista Reuther, Assistant Director of Ohana Community Health and Prevention, who leads a team that periodically holds workshops on adolescent behavioral health (see note below), says, “While the goal of resilience is to face adversity successfully, it is also to learn about oneself and what works in dealing with it. For teenagers, resilience adds to self-confidence and awareness of what they can handle.” That confidence is at the core of managing life successfully.

How Parents Can Help Build Resilience

Helping to develop resilience in your children starts early with a loving relationship, providing a fund of support that children know they can count on. When that high level of trust is established, it is easier for them to talk about their problems, knowing they will be heard and not lectured. Like most of us, teenagers don’t want difficulties to be solved for them; they want the knowledge and confidence to solve those difficulties themselves. Ask yourself how you deal with problems that arise. Children, being acute observers of how parents react to adverse circumstances, are watching. Parents who address difficulties appropriate for family discussion by calmly talking them through, analyzing the key issues involved, then devising possible solutions serve as examples to kids of how they might address their challenges. It is a model they can emulate.

There are skills that experts counsel parents to encourage:

1. Self-compassion. Teenagers are often quick to blame themselves for setbacks, automatically reverting to an assumption that these setbacks are because of who they are–a person who falls short of their own expectations. A more productive view–and worthy of frequent messaging–is that sometimes bad things happen, and being kind to yourself when they do is much more helpful.

Self-compassion is a significant building block of resilience. It leads the ninth grader who didn’t do as well as he wanted on his history exam to tell himself that next time he will do better. Or the boy who didn’t make the soccer team being hopeful that he can make the team in the future if he works closely with the coach. They both recognize their sadness in not achieving their goals, but they don’t blame themselves for some deficiency that saps their sense of self.

2. Empathy. Quality relationships are built on empathy. Empathy is a quality that receives great appreciation from others, leading to a higher self-esteem level. It may be rare for teenagers to exhibit it unless they are encouraged to develop it, so modeling is important. The parent who contributes food for the disadvantaged, takes in pets who need homes, or spends time with an elderly neighbor provide an example that can be appreciated and emulated in a teenager’s life. Helping others is a mark of the ability to nurture strong relationships, and there is no group in greater need of strong relationships than teenagers.

3. Self-care. It may not seem obvious that being physically strong is essential to developing resilience, but inadequate sleep, poor nutrition, and lack of exercise can lead to negativity and even depression. Learning and maintaining good physical health habits in adolescence can serve one throughout life,. According to Krista Reuther, it is one of the most overlooked aspects of developing resilience.”Healthy bodies, as much as healthy habits of mind, are essential to resilience.”

4. Framing a positive view. Being positive does not mean ignoring reality–one cannot sugarcoat disappointment –but a positive outlook puts things in perspective–something teenagers often don’t know how to do. Optimistic people have been shown to live longer and maintain stronger relationships. This is especially  especially important in adolescence when teens need those relationships to develop socially and emotionally.

5. Developing the ability to problem-solve. Talking through problems helps kids to see them more clearly and to arrive at solutions collaboratively. Sometimes teens can’t see beyond an immediate problem and may even need help discovering what is bothering them. The cause of their upset may not be immediately obvious, but they can take the lead in proposing solutions once identified. Self-confidence is reinforced when their own solution is successfully put into practice. At the same time, calling on teenagers to problem-solve signals that you trust them to manage their problems. This builds self-confidence,

There has been a significant increase in mental disorders between 2016 and 2020, and although Covid-19 has been named as a major factor, social media and its pressures are surely another. It has been reported that half of all lifetime mental disorders begin by age 14; one in four adolescents experience a mental health issue to the point of serious impairment. All of these challenges make developing a strong, loving relationship with your children imperative for their future well-being and your family dynamic in general. Recognizing how important the life-long skill of resilience is, now is the time to commit to the steps necessary to build it in your children.

As many have said, one’s reaction to adversity, not adversity itself, determines how one’s life story develops. The earlier one can learn resilience, the earlier that successful life story begins.

Susan Meister is a journalist, columnist, and community activist  living in Pebble Beach. Susan’s writing was recognized with the 2020 Bronze Award for service writing from the Parenting Media Association.

Saying No to Alcohol

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One doesn’t need to look far to find popular sentiment that supports a parent’s drinking habit. After all, aren’t kids the reason we drink? Variations of the same joke appear everywhere, making it difficult to assess whether you have a bona fide problem with alcohol or you’re merely indulging in well-earned mommy time.

Heather Hayes, supervisor of outpatient services for Hazelden Betty Ford in Naples, Fla., says drinking is normalized for women, particularly moms. “The greatest gift I can give my children is to be a sober mother,” Hayes says. “Being a sober mom means I’m available, and I’m fully present when I’m available.”

Former binge drinker and sober mom for five years, April O’Leary agrees. “There’s a lot of things I didn’t get to fully enjoy as a mom because if there wasn’t alcohol present, I was annoyed,” she admits. “By quitting, I get to be present for my kids.”

O’Leary published “Sober Moms, Happy Moms” (O’Leary Publishing, 2021), featuring the stories of 12 moms who ditched drinking to be better parents. She was driven to share their stories after experiencing the power of moms supporting moms in her own life.

O’Leary suggests moms specifically have a responsibility to stay sober. “When we drink,” she says, “we’re affecting little ones who have no choice but to be around us.”

This heightened sense of responsibility can produce paralyzing shame. A few years ago, Conyers co-facilitated a treatment session for moms. “These moms felt so much shame, whether it was the sense they’d failed as a parent or they hadn’t protected their child enough,” Conyers says. “Shame is so deeply debilitating because it can make you feel like you don’t deserve any better and it can keep a person stuck in a cycle.”

Break the Cycle

Rebecca Novak woke up one Wednesday with a feeling. Whether it was sixth-sense intuition or garden variety anxiety, by the end of the day, she would make a life-changing decision to quit drinking.

The 39-year-old Wisconsin mother of two found her drinking progressively getting earlier and earlier in the day. “There were days when the kids would come home from school and I was already half in the bag,” Novak says.

Enter the pandemic and that fateful Wednesday. She dialed both grandmas and left a voicemail: “Somebody needs to come watch the kids. I think I have a problem.”

A Friend in Need

When she wasn’t able to reach either grandma, she tried her friend Stacey, a clinical therapist who had pulled her and another mutual friend aside a few years previously to tell them that she would support them if they ever decided to quit drinking.

Beverly Conyers, the author of “Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, & Recovery” (Hazelden Publishing, 2003; 2nd edition, 2021), wishes she’d had a Stacey in her life. “I’ve thought about this a lot and I have often wished that someone had said to me, ‘You know, have you ever looked at your own behavior and how that might be affecting your children?’” Conyers says. “I’m not saying that would have been a magic bullet, but it’s so easy to fall into a pattern of behavior and you don’t even consider its impact.”

Conyers’ youngest daughter struggled with heroin addiction in her 20s. Conyers reflected on what her own household was like while she raised three kids. “We drank pretty much every day,” she admits, “and we drank a lot. While I don’t believe anyone causes someone to become an addict, I do believe [my drinking] was a contributing factor.”

Stacey helped Novak enter in-patient treatment at Hazelden Betty Ford, which revealed Novak used alcohol to numb underlying issues and trauma, which Conyers says is common with addiction.

No Rock Bottom

There was no pivotal event that compelled Jen Vacek, 47, to quit drinking. The mother of three daughters was struggling on an early spring run and recalled a fitness trainer had suggested no alcohol. Always a healthy eater, nixing alcohol and increasing her training led to a 40-pound weight loss.

Quarantine presented what Vacek calls the trifecta to quit, primarily to get healthier, but she also didn’t want to risk contracting COVID-19 to purchase non-essentials like alcohol. Plus she wondered if the stress of the pandemic could lead a harmless habit down the slippery slope of addiction. “I didn’t give [the decision] a lot of thought although I knew it would change everything,” Vacek says. “I did, in the back of my mind, think gosh, I don’t have a problem with alcohol, do I?”

Vacek was wise to wonder. In September 2021, USA Today reported that 1 in 5 adults used alcohol to cope with pandemic stress.

Sober Success

Outside of the initial weeks when Vacek found herself absent-mindedly reaching for one of her husband Matt’s beers only to remember she’d quit, it meant basically breaking a habit rather than overcoming an addiction for her. Matt recently asked her if she misses it. Between the dramatic improvements to her health and her daughters’ pride in her decision to quit, she doesn’t.

At a certain point during the interview with Rebecca Novak, she answers her front door and there’s the telltale crumpling of cellophane wrapping as she thanks a delivery driver in the background. Did she just get flowers?

“Today is actually 23 weeks for me,” Novak says. “The last time I was sober was when I was pregnant, so I measure it in terms of pregnancy. Every week, J.B. adds one more flower delivered to me based on the week I’m on. I look forward to Fridays because it means a flower delivery bigger than last week’s.”

Lissa Carlson credits writing this article with increasing her awareness of her own unhealthy drinking patterns.

How Loneliness and Isolation Can Impact Your Physical and Emotional Wellness

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Humans are inherently social animals who rely on interpersonal relationships for a variety of needs. When people experience healthy friendships, family dynamics, and even casual positive interactions with others, they feel a sense of belonging and satisfaction, which translates to better health. Unfortunately, when your social connections and relationships don’t meet your individual needs, feelings of loneliness and isolation may occur and can have potentially devastating consequences.

How do loneliness and isolation affect physical and mental health?

Feelings of loneliness and isolation can significantly impact our health, especially when these feelings occur for an extended time. Unsatisfactory social relationships or connections can lead to a host of problems for both body and mind.

Physical health can be impacted by loneliness in surprising ways. According to the Centers for Disease Control in “Loneliness and Social Isolation Linked to Serious Health Conditions,” loneliness increases the risk for premature death, strokes, heart disease, heart failure, and other cardiovascular issues at levels comparable to those who smoke, are obese, or physically inactive.

Various studies have also shown correlations between loneliness or isolation and other complications, reports Amy Novotney in “The risks of social isolation.” These include poor sleep, decreased self-control, higher stress levels, and lower immunity, to name a few.

Mental health struggles can also develop from feeling isolated or lonely. This is true not only for adults but children and adolescents. On June 3, 2020, researchers published their findings in “Rapid Systematic Review: The Impact of Social Isolation and Loneliness on the Mental Health of Children and Adolescents in the Context of COVID-19.” Maria Elizabeth Loades et al. found depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation and attempts are potential issues resulting from a lack of sufficient positive and healthy social relationships.

How are various demographics impacted by loneliness and isolation?

While all people require some level of personal connection and interaction, individuals and specific demographic groups may have different needs or struggles related to loneliness and isolation. Anyone can, at times, experience isolation from others. Those who lack close family or friends, have moved to a new place, differ from their community, or belong to any kind of outgroup are at risk of missing out on their desired level of social connection. Certain groups, according to the CDC, are particularly at increased risk of experiencing isolation and loneliness.

Single parents may have children around, but that isn’t enough to prevent feeling lonely or isolated from adults. Parenting, even with a partner, already comes with these challenges. It can be exacerbated if you’re also dealing with a co-parenting situation or experiencing a loss.

How to reduce isolation and loneliness

Though it may seem impossible, isolation and loneliness do not have to become a permanent state. Even if you must be physically apart from others, there are ways to stay connected and build new social relationships.

  • Reach out to friends, family, former co-workers, or neighbors who you haven’t talked to in a while or have lost touch with. Send an email, a letter, a text, or give them a call.

  • In situations like a pandemic, where physical distancing is necessary for a while, it’s crucial to find ways to connect with others. Try scheduling social time such as regular video calls to catch up and even share a meal, movie, game, or activity together from your own homes. Find ways to get together safely outdoors in small groups, appropriately spaced apart.

  • Join groups where you can connect with others through shared interests. A book club, cooking class, community college course, club sports team, fitness class, or community theater are a few possibilities. During a pandemic, look for virtual opportunities. It’s easier to maintain relationships when you have things in common – plus interest-based groups provide opportunities to connect with others in a structured but lower-stress environment.

  • Technology opens up so many opportunities to make social connections and build virtual relationships with real people. You can join social networks and find groups for people in similar life situations, with similar interests, or just looking to connect with others. But be conscious of how you’re using social media. Seeing other people’s “highlight reels” can actually increase the feeling of being left out.

  • Volunteer for a cause. You can find others who share similar interests or values while gaining satisfaction from giving back to your community. Especially consider working with populations who are at risk for loneliness. This way, you can help others while helping yourself.


When feelings of isolation or loneliness become overwhelming, it’s hard to imagine how to change your circumstances. But with effort and support, there are ways to create and maintain healthy social relationships and connect to others, regardless of our personal situation or the world around us.

This Isn’t easy: Coping With Pandemic Anxiety, Depression, and Sadness

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We’ve reached the one-year mark of life since we hit “pandemic mode.” Most of us believed the lockdown was only going to be for a few months, at the most. Depending on where you live, that lockdown has been in effect in varying degrees for 12 months now. Many people have lost jobs, homes, and – most tragically – family members. One year feels almost too soon to look back and reflect. We’re not yet through it, and folks are still struggling. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Vaccines are being dispersed at an increasing rate every day. Doctors are learning more about the virus and how to treat it. And we are all becoming experts at keeping our hands and the surfaces we touch spotless!

I have been fortunate. No one in my family has gotten sick. I work for the government, so my job has continued. We’ve had to modify how we do business, but I’ve never been out of work, and I’ve been able to pay my bills. I don’t have young children, so I haven’t had to juggle remote learning with working at home. I am grateful for these things. But I do see how hard this is for young families and younger people in general.

A recent study from Psychiatry Research notes high levels of depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms in young adults. Some psychologists are quick to note that this age group (18-30) had a higher incidence of mental health issues even before the pandemic, but they admit the pandemic has exacerbated them. The Psychiatry Research study participants noted higher levels of loneliness and “COVID-19-specific worry,” as well as a “low tolerance for distress.”

Children and teens are experiencing their share of problems, too. The pandemic has necessitated sweeping changes to the way kids learn, play, and socialize. The closure of schools and the cessation of extracurricular activities means that kids no longer have the same access. Their worlds have been turned upside down, and, for some, it has been devastating. There is an increased risk of depression when teens experience tumultuous emotions, even during “normal” times. During the teen years, peers are what keep most kids grounded. We’re all social beings but, for teens, that is even truer. And less access to their friends can have overwhelming consequences. Substance abuse among teens is, once again, on the rise. Depression and anxiety are often cited as the impetus for drug and alcohol use.

My daughter has managed to keep life reasonably regular for my grandkids. But, as she has pointed out, my grandson (who will be two in April) won’t remember a time before COVID-19. And my granddaughter, although a happy and well-adjusted kid, has moments of melancholy. My daughter and her husband were in the middle of buying a new house when the lockdown went into effect. They moved on April 1 of last year. Their new home is gorgeous, with a beautiful yard complete with a swimming pool, rock waterfall, and slide. Most kids would love to live there. But my granddaughter recently said to her mom that she missed their old house. After some digging, my daughter realized that my granddaughter associated the old house with more happiness. She didn’t understand that the pandemic changed everything. She just knew that, after they moved, school closed, mom was working from home full time, everyone was more stressed out, and she didn’t get to play with her friends.

There are ways we can deal with minor mood changes:

  • Limit your exposure to news

  • Take a break from social media when possible

  • Stay connected with friends and loved ones, even if it’s just with a quick text every few days

  • Eat well, drink water, get some sleep, and get outside and move.


But how do we know when our children (or us) may need to see a mental health professional?

Here are a few situations that may warrant a call for help:

  • If fears, worries, and anxieties seem excessive.

  • If there has been social withdrawal.

  • If there are drastic (unintentional) changes in eating and sleeping.

  • If there are frequent feelings of anger.

  • If there is a growing inability to cope with daily problems and activities.

  • If there is evidence of substance abuse.

  • In children, if there is hyperactivity, that is not normal for that child.

  • Persistent nightmares or unsettling dreams.

  • Unusual aggression.


These signs are a few indicators that professional help may be beneficial. If you don’t know who to call, a quick google search for “where can I find mental health help in my area” will give you useful starting points. If there is any indication of suicidal ideation, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

(1-800-273-8255).

I’ll leave you with something I read online and now think about when I’m having a dark day:

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%…and that’s pretty good.”

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. To read more of Tricia’s article, click here.

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