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WCGD? (What Can Grandparents Do?)

By Tricia Vlasak | September 25, 2020

There is certainly nothing normal about these times. When I sat down to write this month’s column, I realized there are so many variables impacting all of us: it’s hard to come up with a “one size fits all” article that fits under the heading “Fall Festivities” that my editor assigned.

Instead, I’ve decided to address some of the issues parents may be dealing with now and how grandparents might be able to lend a hand. In other words, what can grandparents do about . . .

SCHOOL

Most of our grandchildren are about a month in with remote learning. How are things going for them? If parents are juggling working outside of the home while their child is at home, conflicts are inevitable. Is there some way you can help with that? If you are retired or working part-time, this may be a solution to many problems. There is some risk, of course, based on outside jobs and exposure. But it is something to consider. Not only would it relieve overburdened parents, but it would give you precious time with your grandkids. Grandparents have a lot of experience to offer, and can undoubtedly be an asset to the parents and the schools for at-home learning.

Taking it one step further, perhaps you can help other families or the school somehow. Making phone calls, sending emails, and arranging “learning pods” are things a grandparent can help with.

If you aren’t physically close enough to help out, can you pick up the tab for your grandchild’s out-of-home educational care? There are several local organizations offering supervised care for children of working parents. What a gift you could give parents by providing financial assistance for one of those programs.

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is something kids look forward to for months. Coronavirus is the real boogeyman that has brought Halloween to a screeching halt. Or has it? Haunted houses and parties and door-to-door trick-or-treating are nixed. But Halloween can still be fun. According to statistics found online (so it must be true…lol), 74% of millennial moms say Halloween is more important than ever this year. What can grandparents do to help create a memorable Halloween? How about going HUGE on your decorating by making your house the one the neighborhood kids ask to drive by every night. Fog machines, lights, tons of pumpkins, inflatable décor… all fun to look at and so festive!

Another idea: if your grandkids can come over on Halloween, why not incorporate an egg hunt concept with Halloween? You can find small plastic pumpkins on Amazon to fill with candy and hide them around your yard (or house if there is uncooperative weather). Dress up for the kids and have a family-only Halloween party.

Or can you rent a screen and projector (or use a large television) to put in your driveway to play Halloween movies. If you’re comfortable with it, invite a few neighbors, your grandkids, and some of their friends to bring their lawn chairs and watch movies at a safe distance.

FALL FUN

One more idea for Fall…get outdoors! I’ve always been a big advocate for camping, and Autumn is the best time. The weather has finally cooled down, the trees are changing colors, and it’s apple season in many California areas. Rent an RV and take the grandkids somewhere fun for a few days. Give Mom and Dad a break, and make some new memories. S’ mores, stargazing, long walks, maybe riding bikes…all great activities.

This year has proven to be a challenge, but one thing that continues to amaze me is the ability of people to adapt. We will get through this together.

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.

Calm Down: Mindfulness for your Family

By Monterey Bay Staff | August 29, 2020

A friend shared a thought recently — that perhaps we aren’t meant to rush through the darkness, but to learn how to see within it. As we fumble in the dark, I find that even taking it “one day at a time” can be too much. So I go smaller. I am narrowing my focus to what is immediately around me—observing my thoughts and feelings with compassion and claiming moments of peace and presence.

With mental health challenges on the rise and no end to the pandemic in sight, mindfulness can be a powerful way to reclaim our sense of calm within the storm. It can decrease stress, help facilitate post-traumatic growth, support our overall health, and improve mental clarity. Mindfulness makes it easier to experience health and happiness, even in the darkest of times.

Annuka Harris – an author who teaches mindfulness to children – writes that, “For children, mindfulness can offer relief from whatever difficulties they may be encountering in life. It also gives them the beauty of being in the present moment.” And like so many lessons, the best way for kids to learn mindfulness is by seeing it modeled by parents and caregivers.

Here are a few ways to support mindfulness at home as a family.

OBSERVE Take a moment to point out your surroundings, sensations, and feelings with your kids. You may say something like, “The breeze feels so nice on my face,” or “what can we hear if we listen carefully?” or “my legs feel a little sore from playing — my muscles must be growing stronger.” These observations help to bring us into the moment and create a sense of appreciation for everyday beauty and sensations. Taking note of these details can also help to create more vivid memories.

ARTICULATE HOW YOU’RE FEELING Articulate your feelings, even the scary ones. Explain how you move through scary feelings. We cannot protect our kids from intense emotions and the fear that accompanies living in a chaotic world, but we can equip them with tools to work through their feelings. A good start is describing feelings as something that we experience in a moment, rather than viewing them as who we are. When one of my four-year-old sons starts to get upset at a sibling, I might say, “Wow, it looks like the feeling you have right now is ANGRY.” And he will say, “Yes, it is!!” And we can talk about how that feeling came to be and how he can manage it in a healthy way. After enough practice, he will resist hitting or screaming when he’s upset, and will instead tell us, “The feeling I have is ANGRY,” knowing that we will work together to help him feel better.

BACK TO THE PRESENT MOMENT Use everyday mindfulness to support your mental health. The benefits of mindfulness come into play anytime we are present and fully engaged in what we’re doing, whether making art, eating, or digging up weeds in the garden. If you find yourself up in your head and spinning out over the day’s latest calamity, take a deep breath and observe your surroundings. What can you see, smell, hear, feel? Are you, in this very moment, safe and well? Is it possible, in this moment, to experience peace and joy? Permit yourself to feel present and happy when you can. Those moments do not deny the existence of serious problems; they equip us with the strength and perspective to keep fighting.

CREATE CALM Create a calm carpet or calm corner. The idea is to fill a space with items and textures that naturally engage your child’s senses and allow them to work through big feelings in a supportive and safe environment. You can order flashcards and posters that provide emotional intelligence-building tools. Still, any quiet space with your child’s favorite comfort objects can be a “calm corner” if it facilitates conversations around feelings.

VISUALIZE Guide your kids through a bedtime visualization. If your family is interested in exploring meditation, guided bedtime visualizations are a great way to start. Your kids are already lying down and in a semi-restful state of mind, and if they’re anything like my kids, they’ll be eager to do anything that prolongs their bedtime routine! Visualizations can be as simple or elaborate as you want, but my go-to is describing the view from a forest floor. I ask the kids to close their eyes and imagine looking up at a canopy of trees with a gentle breeze blowing the branches, the warm sun on their faces, and birds chirping. If they’re still wound up and having trouble relaxing, I’ll describe how verrrrrry heavy their arms and legs are, and how their bodies are feeling warm and snuggly on the forest floor. Beyond helping to calm their bodies and breath, I hope that visualizing something beautiful as they fall asleep encourages happy dreams.

Katie Raquel is the founder of Katie’s Coldpress, a Realtor with Over the Moon Realty and the author of SQUEEZED: The Raw Truth About Work-Life Balance. She lives with her family in Monterey County.

Talking About the Pandemic with Your Kids

By Monterey Bay Staff | August 29, 2020

The pandemic has now been with us for almost six months, and no one knows when it’ll pass. How can parents talk to their kids about it in a way that’s realistic and helpful but doesn’t make them worry? Here’s what the experts say:

FIND OUT WHAT THEY KNOW & WHAT THEY WANT TO KNOW

Start the conversation by asking them, as child psychologists Drs. Felicity Sapp and Daniel Chorney put it, “what they know, what their worries are, and what they want to know.” This will help you: 1) clear up any misunderstandings (there are lots of false rumors circulating); 2) address the topics that concern them the most (some kids worry about what could happen to them, others are more anxious about their family and friends); and 3) assess how much information they can handle (some kids find comfort in knowing as much as possible while others prefer to know just what’s necessary. “Our challenge, as parents,” say child psychiatrists Drs. Karestan Koenen and Archana Basu, “is to consider all the information and then ask ourselves: what makes the most sense for my child?” Dr. Adam Weiss, a pediatrician, agrees: “the goal is to provide enough detail so they understand the situation and how to stay safe, but not cause them fear, confusion, or anxiety.”

ENCOURAGE THEM TO ASK QUESTIONS

No matter how well you explain the pandemic, your kids are likely to have a lot of questions. When kids ask questions, especially the same questions repeatedly, it’s rarely just because there’s something they don’t understand, but it’s because they’re worried. “Asking the same question over and over,” says Dr. Davis Fassler, a child psychiatrist, can be “a way for a child to ask for reassurance.” For example, if your kids keep asking why it’s so important that they wash their hands with soap every time they’ve been outside, it’s likely not because they don’t know the answer but because they’re concerned with whether they’re washing their hands well enough to protect them from the virus.

ACKNOWLEDGE UNCERTAINTY

Answer your kids’ questions and address their worries, but also acknowledge when they bring something up and you don’t have a good answer. “Given how much uncertainty there is,” Ms. Rachel Ehmke of the Child Mind Institute says, “try to be comfortable saying ‘I don’t know.’” Ms. Ehmke adds that it may be tempting to want to reassure your kids that things will be better soon, even when you aren’t sure yourself: “But teaching children how to tolerate uncertainty is key to reducing anxiety and helping them build resilience.”

OFFER REASSURANCE

You can’t promise your kids that the pandemic will be over soon, but you can help empower them by talking about what they can do, in their own small way, to fight it. As Dr. Jamie Howard, a child psychologist, puts it, “kids feel empowered when they know what to do to keep themselves safe.” This includes wearing a face mask at all times when they’re outside, following social distancing guidelines, and avoid touching their face and shaking hands with anyone.

However, don’t put too much pressure on your kids. Reassure them that many smart adults (like public health experts and science researchers) are working hard to fight the pandemic and develop a vaccine. “When you reassure children that the adults are managing the situation,” says Dr. Jamie Aten, a child psychologist, “you give them permission to be kids.”

Tanni Haas, Ph.D. is a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences, and Disorders at the City University of New York – Brooklyn College.

Father’s Day: Stay open to new adventure

By Monterey Bay Staff | July 28, 2020

Amid the changes in our current lives, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling bad for our children’s missed opportunities. But, children are far more present-oriented than we think. Yes, the older ones may long deeply for the life they had, but generally, kids roll with the life they have right now. The current situation forces parents to be more creative, more flexible, and turn into the reality of the life we are all facing. There was one day recently when my daughter and I spent the morning with a jump rope at the park, got takeout for lunch, and later found the paletas guy in our neighborhood. Amid the sticky drips of lime popsicle juice, my daughter proclaimed, “This is the best day ever!” I thought to myself, in the middle of the pandemic, where you can’t do your typical activities and can’t play with your friends, you have the best day ever. I’ll take it as a win and appreciate how kids look at the world with the bold optimism that fun and excitement lurks around every corner.

August is a busy time in our family. As the summer comes to an end, work ramps up, school begins, and my daughter’s birthday is at the end of the month. This year, everything is different. Summer has not included summer camps, travel adventures, and the county fair as it has in the past. The rituals of summer have changed. We have had to create new rituals to signal the changing of activities and preparation for what comes next. Dad and Mom will now be continuing to work from home, making more demands for quiet and spending more time videoconferencing. As of this writing, my daughter’s school structure is still uncertain. We have laid the groundwork for the possibilities of how the school might be conducted – all students present, few days on and the rest through distance education, all distance education, half her class, maybe all wearing masks. We don’t know. However, we remind her school will continue, she will have chances to learn new things, and she will reconnect with her teacher and friends in new ways.

Although this summer was different than previous ones, I remind her of the skills and activities she learned:

Making scrambled eggs on her own at the stove

Growing crystals out of a variety of substances

Learning how to draw the characters from Mo Willems’ books with his online instruction

Riding her bike without training wheels

Learning about puppetry through online camp

When I can, I acknowledge how things are different from before and are also more relaxed, adventurous, and exploratory than in the past.

Alternate birthday celebrations are now regular conversations. So far, she has participated in a drive-by birthday, a birthday online where the food and dessert were delivered to our home as if we were there to celebrate, and an online party of games where each person made the same cake to celebrate. We are beginning the process of negotiating what she might like to do to celebrate that aligns with Shelter in Place. We’ve also discussed celebrating her seven-and-a-half birthday with a party. Negotiations are ongoing and creative (Anyone have a flying unicorn to visit?). The birthday party may be different, but the celebration will still happen.

As a dad, I want to maintain my kid’s sense of optimism. So much about the future is unknown right now that it can be easy to fall prey to emphasizing what is lost and not what has been found. Research supports that staying optimistic increases mental and physical health. A couple of ways to help build optimism in kids is to help them realize what they are thankful for and eliminate negative self-talk. It is a good idea to remind kids what they have like toys, treats, people who care about them, a pretty place to live, etc. When kids start complaining, you can help them turn this attitude around. To find something new to do, I proposed exploring a different access point to the beach, emphasizing the adventure of huge dunes. My daughter protested, declaring with all the whine she could muster, “It will be boring.” I kept insisting it would be an adventure and something new, displaying as much enthusiasm as I could to turn her attitude around. Once we arrived, hoping to shift her mood, I challenged to get up the enormous dune first. She relished the competition and was quite excited to beat her winded father to the top. Her joy was evident as she ran and slid up and down the dunes and said she wanted to bring Mommy back next time.

My current challenge is to maintain my optimism believing that even in the midst of difficult circumstances, being open to new adventures is both a gift and a lesson for my daughter.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.

Stress Busting for Kids

By Monterey Bay Staff | July 28, 2020

Our children are increasingly facing situations that cause them great anxiety. With the Coronavirus dominating our lives, many kids are feeling emotional effects of the uncertainty. How can we help our kids get through these stressful times so they can learn to calm themselves down?

One helpful technique in addressing anxiety is distraction. If we can interrupt the ruminations and overwhelming fear, then our children can get back to a calmer, more balanced state of mind. We can teach our kids how to do this by using mindfulness to be fully present in the moment. Mindfulness allows our children to better understand their mind-body connection, and to stop being so reactive to thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations no matter what is happening in their environment.

A commonly used mindfulness tactic is to have tools that trigger all of our 5 senses. To make it easy for you to arm your kids with tools to calm down when they get panicky, consider putting together a “5 Senses” Stress Busting Kit based on these ideas:

Touch

Feeling different textures can be an effective distraction tool. One trick is to have your child touch and feel one texture at a time. Have them tell themselves what it feels like. This way their full attention is on what they are touching. It is helpful to have several different types of textures to rotate through, such a smooth, rough, slimy, squishy, fuzzy, and hard items.

Touch and feel books like Pat the Bunny

Touch and feel cards

Stress balls

Buy a sensory toy kit or put together your own a bag of items with multiple textures like a tissue, sandpaper, a cotton ball, a squishy ball, and a piece of felt.

Sight

The sense of sight offers many possibilities for relaxation. Here are a few ideas for your stress busting kit that are easily accessible on the go:

Mindful coloring books: Creative activities like coloring have been scientifically proven to reduce stress levels because we become so focused on what we are doing when we reach a state of “flow” that we forget what is going on around us. Your children can use any type of coloring book, but mandalas are very popular in the mindfulness world.

Nature imagery: Amazingly, just looking at pictures of nature scenes can reduce stress because our parasympathetic nervous system (which helps us to calm down) is activated. Include a packet of national park postcards or nature-themed picture book in your kit.

Kaleidoscope: Looking at colorful, mesmerizing patterns can grab anyone’s attention for minutes on end, and is another wonderful way for our children to get lost in the moment.

Taste Mindful

eating is another popular relaxation technique. It is a good idea to be prepared with a couple of items that your kids can use to focus on taste. Teach them how to use mindful eating to direct their attention to the flavors in their mouth. Try a mindful eating exercise such as Mindfulness and the Art of Chocolate Eating.

Trail mix: A must-have for your kit since it is a non-perishable snack that has multiple items to taste like granola, nuts, seeds, raisins, dried cranberries, yogurt drops, and chocolate pieces.

Sugar free chewing gum multi flavor pack: Chewy gum can relieve stress and anxiety, according to a 2008 study.

Flavored oral sensory chew toys: These are great for children 6 months and up. Not only do these have flavors to focus on, but they also have multiple textures.

Sound

Music helps take our attention from fear to something pleasurable. It is a healthy distraction, allows us to be mindful, and forces our brain to shift the thinking process. Consider putting together a special playlist for your kids to listen to when they are stressed. Although slow, quiet classical music is known to have calming effects like lowering pulse and heart rate, reducing blood pressure, and decreasing the levels of stress hormones in our body, it is really a personal choice to discover which music you find most soothing. Upbeat songs about happiness may work for some while soothing nature sounds may work for others.

Smell As the old adage “stop and smell the roses” reminds us, fragrances can help us to relax and be in the moment. There is no scent more relaxing than lavender. The antioxidant components of lavender can lower the level of stress hormones in our body. There are a number of methods to use lavender to soothe stress and anxiety. Here a few that you can throw in your stress busting kit:

Lavender spray

Lavender lotion for kids

Aromatherapy diffuser bracelets and necklaces for children

Sandi Schwartz is a freelance writer/blogger and mother of two. She has written extensively about parenting, wellness, and environmental issues. You can find her at www.happysciencemom.com.

RV 101: Planning a Family RV Vacation

By Tricia Vlasak | July 28, 2020

When your family goes on a camping vacation, not only do you have your own space, free of the worry about staying socially distant from others, but you also have the opportunity to find places that are sparsely populated. Gas prices are lower this summer, so that’s a big bonus when we are all watching our budget.

With COVID-19 concerns on everyone’s minds, travel restrictions to other countries, and the uncertainty of what tomorrow will bring, it’s hard to plan a weekend getaway, let alone a family vacation. Many families, looking for alternatives, are looking to RV’s.

I’ve been camping in RVs for most of my life. When I was a kid, my parents had a camper that went on my dad’s pickup. As an adult, I have owned or driven everything from a 30-foot toy hauler I pulled with an F250, to a fifth-wheel trailer, to a Class C motorhome. Because my kids are grown, and I mostly camp with my dog now, I currently own a tiny travel trailer that I pull with my Jeep Wrangler.

If you are considering joining the ranks of RVers, consider this:

RV dealers have seen a spike in purchases, with most RV manufacturers seeing a 30% increase in sales over 2019.

Citing Coronavirus concerns, the RV Industry Association found that 20% of survey respondents are more interested in RV travel than they are in flying, tent camping, cruises, or home rentals via Airbnb or VRBO.

In a survey of RV owners, 40% said their level of use would remain the same. And 49% said they would be using their RVs more often this year.

THE BASICS

If you are thinking about purchasing an RV and have never owned or driven one before, there are several things to consider. Will you want a travel trailer or a motorhome? A travel trailer is generally less expensive and easier to maintain than a motorhome. Insurance is less costly, and there is more variety in the layout. You need to think about what you will tow it with. How many people will be sleeping in the trailer? What amenities are essential? Do you need a trailer with a generator? Do you have a tow vehicle with the capacity to tow the weight of the trailer you are interested in? For your vehicle and safety, I recommend selecting a trailer with a Gross Dry Vehicle Weight (GDVW) well below your tow vehicle’s towing capacity. Also, in many states, trailers over a specific weight require an electronic brake controller installed on the tow vehicle. You can find information on calculating how much your trailer weighs fully loaded online.

THINKING ABOUT BUYING?

If you plan on purchasing a motorhome, realize you will be making a hefty investment. The most basic new motorhomes start at about as much as I paid for my first home – around $70,000. Buying used is a good option for both motorhomes and travel trailers, as they tend to depreciate quite a bit, and great deals can be had. However, it’s smart to buy from a dealership that offers a warranty. Most importantly, research, research, research! There are too many options to discuss here, so look online at brand reviews, research floorplans, and join a Facebook RV group for excellent tips and information.

Something else to think about is what you plan to do when you get to your destination. This will help you decide if you want a travel trailer, which gives you the use of your tow vehicle once your trailer is unhooked. Or do you want to drive a motorhome, with your whole family comfortable and spread out, during the road trip? Remember that once you’re set up in your campsite, going anywhere will be more difficult, requiring you to unhook everything, find a parking space for an RV wherever you’re going, and eventually back in and re-level the coach when you return. Some people tow a smaller car behind the motorhome to solve this problem.

RENTAL CONSIDERATIONS

If buying is out of your budget or you want to give RVing a try before committing, renting is a good option. It will allow you to see if the RV lifestyle is for you, with a comparatively small investment. Several companies are comparable to AirBnB or VRBO, giving you the option to rent privately-owned RVs. Outdoorsy and RV Share are popular platforms, and both get good reviews. They work much like reserving a vacation home online. There are also larger corporate companies, such as El Monte RV and Cruise America. The advantage of corporate rentals is they are often slightly cheaper. However, the RVs are the equivalent of a well-used rental car: they’ve been beaten up quite a bit. They are usually not luxury models, meaning the inside is basic. Not to mention, they are like rolling billboards with their corporate advertising plastered across the side, announcing to everyone that you are a renter.

In contrast, by renting from an owner, you can access a wide variety of RVs at all levels of luxury. These RVs are privately owned and often used by the owner when not being rented out. They tend to be very well-maintained and often come equipped with everything you need to camp, i.e., linens, dishes, camp chairs, etc.

ADVICE FROM OWNERS

As an RV owner who has considered renting out my rig, I am part of an online group of owners. I asked them: What are some things you want renters to know about before renting an RV?

Here are some of their best tips:

Read your contract. The fine print is important. Also, if you know little about RVs, watch YouTube videos. You can learn how to dump the tanks, hook up at campsites, and even drive an RV – all on YouTube! Rentals will come with manuals, and the owners will do a walk-through, but it is a lot to take in. Coming in with some knowledge beforehand is invaluable. And be honest with the owner about your level of experience!

Carry a car seat. If you are renting a motor home, most states will require a small child to be in a car seat during travel. Don’t forget to bring your own.

Have realistic expectations. Many RVs are very luxurious, but they still aren’t a suite at the Four Seasons. They don’t have gourmet kitchens or two-door refrigerators. Also, RVs are made of wood and Styrofoam, for the most part. Driving down the road is like subjecting them to an earthquake every day. Roll with the flow and communicate with the owner. Almost anything can be fixed on the road.

Practice driving. Be comfortable pulling a trailer or driving a coach before taking your whole family on a winding road in the mountains.

Research insurance options thoroughly. Be sure you know exactly what is covered on your personal policy as well as on any additional policy you purchase.

If you are new to RVing, go small. Renting a 40-foot luxury coach for your first RV experience is inviting disaster. In a similar vein, start on three or four-day trips. Work up to that long road trip.

Expect to pay for mileage over a certain amount. The limit is usually 100 miles per day. Also expect to pay a hefty (refundable) deposit, generally between $500 and $2000, depending on the RV.

YOUR FIRST VACATION

Once you decide whether to buy or rent, it’s time to plan your vacation. Where will you go? How many miles per day will you want to drive? A lot of new RVers overestimate the number of miles per day they will drive. Keep in mind that you won’t be driving 70 MPH, and you may be on curvy mountain roads. You will also be stopping for gas more than you would in a car.

Will you need reservations at the campground you choose? Most federal and state campgrounds in desirable locations fill up months in advance (and several federal ones are closed at this time). You may have better luck finding a camping spot in a privately owned or membership campground such as KOA or Thousand Trails. There are many “first come, first served” campgrounds, but they do fill up in the summer. Check out gocampingamerica.com for help finding alternatives to public campgrounds. Another bonus of private campgrounds is that most have full hookups (electric, water, and sewer), which makes a huge difference in your comfort. It keeps you from having to use a public restroom.

Being an RVer is like being part of a big, fun-loving club. People are more than happy to share their experiences and information with you. Even when you are camping, if you have a problem, you can most likely solve it with a campground neighbor.

The biggest reward of vacationing in an RV is that it allows your family to return to the basics: campfires, board games, listening to music, and riding bikes. RVing is an outstanding option for relaxation and recreation during these times. Time preparing will help your family stay safe and have fun.

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.