Let’s be honest: life can be tough, and it is crucial for parents to understand that it is even tougher for teenagers with their changing brains. According to Dr. Dan Siegel, the bestselling author of Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, when it comes to parenting teenagers, it is essential to understand teens behave and feel the way they do because of the extraordinary changes in the development of their brain; not because they “lost their mind.” They test boundaries and explore the unknown —the traits that are essential for character building and purposeful living. This is their time for novelty seeking, creative explorations, intense emotions, and social engagement. It is a natural time for our children to push away from us, find their sovereignty, and move towards their peers. It is essential to accept that they no longer look at us as flawless heroes but actual people with limitations.
The more we accept the natural states of our teenager’s brain, the more we are empowered to accept the situation to make wise and compassion-based choices rather than reacting based on defense mechanisms, familial and societal shoulds and shouldn’ts, and our own unhealed wounds. This practice is the pillar of conscious parenting. Shefali Tsabary Ph.D., the bestselling author of The Conscious Parent, illustrates this in her teachings when she says, “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini-me.” Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”
It is imperative to understand people “misbehave” or “feel bad” when one or more of their basic psychological needs of autonomy, competence, and connectedness are not being met. Therefore, one of the best strategies is to get curious and attempt to fulfill these unmet needs. Most of the time, connecting with ourselves and our children can do the job. That is why mindfulness practices are necessary to train our brain to separate us from our knee-jerk reactions to respond with empathy and effectiveness.
Without practice, our ego can get the better of us and leaves us stranded with short-term solutions such as punishment and reward or yelling and threatening. There is no denying that these strategies might get the job done in the short run. However, a conscious parent needs to ask what is it that is being accomplished by adopting these short-term techniques. Some questions that can help you make better choices in both the current situation and in the future include:
- What am I teaching my kids at this moment?
- Do I want my kids to do the same thing to a younger sibling or another person?
- If I deny my children’s emotions and current states, am I not teaching them to sweep their feelings under the rug in the long-run?
- Dr. Shefali Tsabary offers the best advice for raising teens when she says: “Release your attachments to how things “ought” to be and instead surrender to how they actually are.” What great advice for all of us as we navigate the sometimes complicated tween and teen years with our children.
is a Ph.D. candidate in performance psychology, a certified transformational coach, and a mindful living conscious parenting educator. Call (831) 915-9438 for your complimentary 30-minute session.