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Moms Flying Solo

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May is the month we celebrate mothers, mother figures, soon-to-be-mothers, grandmothers…pretty much every woman in our lives. I’m going to give a shout out to a group of mothers near and dear to me: single mothers. I was a single mother for 18 years. I had my first child at 22 years old, and my second at 31 years old. I didn’t marry for the first time until I was 40. So I feel fairly qualified to speak on single motherhood! And, let me tell you, it is not a role for the weak.

According to the 2021 U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 80 percent of the approximately 11 million single-parent families with children under the age of 18 were headed by single mothers.

A CONSTANT BALANCING ACT

Being a single mother is a balancing act. You have to nurture and discipline. You have to make a living and a home. You have to figure out how to supervise your children from afar, because you aren’t always available. It is exhausting. And yet, it is so rewarding. Having happy, healthy children and a peaceful home that you’ve provided all by yourself is a feeling I can’t describe. But even the most independent parent can’t do it all alone. We need our own little village. If you are a friend, neighbor, or relative to a single parent, you may wonder if there is anything you can do to help. What are some of the challenges unique to single parenthood, and how can you play a positive role? Read on.

LONELINESS

Being the only parent means your days are busy from the time you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night. Work, maintaining a household, getting kids to school and activities leaves very little time for anything else.

Single parenting can be very lonely. Other than work, adult interaction is difficult to come by. And most single parents won’t ask someone to drop by, or meet them for thirty minutes for a cup of coffee. If you are in the position to offer some conversation and coffee, make it a point. You could very well make a single mom’s day!

FINANCIAL ISSUES

Even two-income families struggle with finances. With the rising rate of inflation, the burden is being felt even more by single parents. The cost of childcare is astronomical, groceries have gone up at least 25% in the last few years, and let’s not even talk about the price of gas right now. I honestly don’t know how single parents are holding it together right now. It was tough twenty years ago, but it was manageable. Now? Not so much. If you are close with a single mother, you may want to help. Offers of money will probably be refused. But, an occasional meal? A gift card delivered anonymously? You may be surprised what a difference you can make.

GUILT

Guilt plagues the psyche of many a single parent. We can’t do enough. We can’t afford enough. We’ve burdened our children with our own choices. Add to that, single mothers are often judged by society for the very same things we beat ourselves up over. For as long as I can remember, many of society’s ills were blamed on the “breakdown of the family unit.” Single mothers were more likely to have sons who went to prison, they were more likely to be on public assistance, they were more likely to go to jail themselves, and their daughters were more likely to become single mothers. Blah blah blah. It’s enough to knock a person’s confidence down several notches. But, sometimes one compliment would make my day better. “Your kids sure are well behaved!” “You really handle everything with so much grace.” “I’m so proud of everything you have accomplished.” A little encouragement goes such a long way!

A LOT OF JOY

The counter to all of these challenges is the unique sense of joy that comes with raising your kids alone. I remember feeling like my kids and I were this can-do, we’ve got this, full-of-fun team. There was nothing we couldn’t conquer together. Even now, with my kids grown and moving on with their lives, and me married and doing my own thing, I feel this settled and content feeling on the rare occasion I get to spend time just me and my two kids. I’d never give that up. It’s something I’d never know if I had not raised my kids alone. Another thing I believe my single parenthood gave my kids was growing up in a secure, stable home. They never had to witness the two adults who made them having conflict. They never had to choose sides. Our home was battle-free, with no arguing or fighting for them to endure. It was a pretty peaceful environment, and I’m glad my children know what a calm and safe environment feels like.

This Mother’s Day, give a high five or a gift card or a hug to the single mothers in your life. They deserve it. They don’t have a partner to help the kids do something special for them. You could make someone’s day even more special!

TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.

Resources for Parents Seeking Friendship and Support

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Almost all of us have been there: you’re at home with a newborn baby not feeling totally sure you know what you’re doing. You call your mom, your sister, and your best friend who lives three states away. It helps but what you really need is another parent who is able to offer the support that is so helpful coming from someone in the same boat as you.

Support groups are the perfect place to meet parents that you immediately have something in common with: a child of similar age or one who may have a developmental delay or medical issue. Not only will you be among peers who are dealing with similar issues, you’re also putting yourself in an environment ripe with possibilities for friendships that will last–for you and your child.

Here are a variety of Monterey County and Santa Cruz County organizations offering classes and groups:

FIRST FIVE MONTEREY COUNTY/ALISAL RESOURCE CENTER

Offering virtual playgroups for children ages 0-5 and their caregivers. Caregivers can ask questions and discuss developmental learning while enjoying a variety of activities including art, music, and storytime.

1441 Del Monte Avenue, Salinas

(831) 753-5700, www.alisal.org

FIRST FIVE SANTA CRUZ COUNTY

Parents and caregivers can get as little or as much parenting support as they’d like from trained Triple P practitioners in a number of organizations throughout the county. Triple P services are available in English and Spanish for families with children birth-12 (Core Triple P), families with teens (Teen Triple P), and families with children with special needs (Stepping Stones Triple P). Services include workshops, online programs, individual sessions, group classes, and parenting support.

4450 Capitola Road, Suite 106, Capitola • (831) 465-2217, www.first5scc.org

NEW PARENT SUPPORT FLEET & FAMILY

The New Parent Support Home Visitation Program (NPSHVP) is a free support service program designed to meet the needs of expectant active-duty military personnel, their spouses, and those families with children under the age of 4. The program was created to provide prenatal and parenting skills education to active-duty service members and their families.

1280 Leahy Road, Monterey • 831-656-3060, monterey.navylifesw.com

THE PARENT’S CENTER

Located at the Salinas Adult School, The Parent Center offers parents and caregivers information to nurture children in a positive, healthy, and loving environment.  From pregnancy until your child goes to Kindergarten, the center has classes to support you along the way. Weekly classes offer parents the opportunity to learn about a variety of topics while participating in baby/caregiver activities.

20 Sherwood Place, Salinas • (831) 796-6900, www.salinasuhsd.org

PARENT’S PLACE

Parent’s Place in Pacific Grove provides weekly 2-hour classes that a parent/caregiver and child attend together. Each class is designed for children in a specific age range, allowing for play and discussion suitable for that developmental stage. Weekly classes include age-appropriate activities, circle time, and art exploration. Classes are led by teachers with Adult Education credentials, most with credentials in early childhood development, all are parents themselves and most are former students of the Parents’ Place program. Most classes are during daytime hours but there is one evening group for parents of toddlers that is virtual.

1025 Lighthouse Avenue, Pacific Grove • (831) 646-6623, pgadulted.pgusd.org

SPECIAL KIDS CONNECT

Special Kids Connect’s Early Start Family Resource Center offers guidance to parents of children, ages birth to 3 years, who have, or suspect they have developmental delays. Special Kids Connect offers parent-to-parent support for parents who are seeking guidance from someone who has traveled the road they are on and is willing to be a friend and mentor. The organization actively supports and is a participant in a number of parent support groups in Monterey, Salinas, Soledad, and Greenfield.

1900 Garden Road, # 230, Monterey • 831-372-2730, specialkidsconnect.org

Black Fatherhood: Two Americas

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I was a little over six years old when my dad gave me the talk—no, not that one. My class was on a school field trip to a local park, and one of the other kids had this huge collection of Hot Wheels cars. Many of us were playing with them and enjoying the day at the park. At some point, I put a handful of the Hot Wheels into my lunch box. It was nearly 30 years ago, but my memory is that I thought he had so many so he wouldn’t mind if I kept some for myself. When the other kid realized some of his cars were missing, I must have realized I did something wrong and joined the loud chorus of denial for having taken his toys. Needless to say, I was busted the moment I lifted my lunch box, and the toy cars started rattling around.

After being ordered to open my lunch box by the teacher, I remember hoping all those little cars would magically disappear. I don’t know whether the San Diego Unified School District had a Zero Tolerance policy for first graders taking each other’s toys or if it was just that my teacher wouldn’t stand for it, but apparently, what I did was a pretty big deal.

“Always be on your best behavior, son”

My dad drove us home, and after sitting silently in the car for what felt like an eternity, he looked at me and, with a shaky voice, said something about people treating me differently from other kids who got into trouble. When I naively asked why, he said very matter-of-factly that certain people don’t like people who had skin like mine. Then he said that because we can’t know what others might be thinking, I had to always be on my best behavior to make sure I didn’t get into trouble with someone who already didn’t like me because I had darker skin.

Experiences seared into your memory

You’d be forgiven for feeling somewhat skeptical that I could remember this experience from my early childhood with such clarity after almost three decades—you’d also be mistaken. Being a blissfully ignorant child who knows nothing of the history of this country, let alone their history, primes one for having the weight of an experience of institutional racism seared into their memory. Just like my memory of a middle-aged white man leaning out of his old, primer grey pickup truck and shouting the N-word at me when I was 12 years old, traumatic experiences have a way of implanting themselves in parts of our memory that you can’t forget.

Why should you care about any of this? We all have sad stories from our childhoods, and our kids have all misbehaved and done things we wish they hadn’t. I don’t share these experiences because I want your sympathy or because I think I’m special. It’s quite the opposite: I share these experiences because every Black kid—and probably every Asian, Latin@, and Native kid—has some formative experience with racism that forever imprints on them. These experiences, whether emotional, psychological, or physical, rob children of their childhoods, stealing from them the wonderment of nature, the joy of living in the moment, the freedom of youth, and the security of their person.

How mass incarceration shapes the future

I wrote my master’s thesis on the militarization of civilian police in the United States. As part of my research, I read Jonathan Simon’s Governing Through Crime, Kelly Lytle Hernández’ City of Inmates, and Michelle Alexander’s The New Jim Crow, all of which point to one irrefutable fact: The mass incarceration of non-white people is the most effective and vile form of modern white supremacy.

While three times as many Black women die from pregnancy-related causes as white women, and while three times as many Black people with diabetes have their limbs amputated than diabetics of other races, this medical apartheid affects our community differently than mandatory minimums. The sentencing differences between powder cocaine and rock cocaine, the hyper-criminalization of cannabis, and the irrational and cruel desire to penalize the impoverished create two Americas.

The United States is a punitive country, home to roughly 25% of incarcerated people worldwide despite having only 5% of the world’s population. Even worse, more than half of all incarcerated people are Black or Latin@, even though they together comprise less than a third of the total population. A devastating five times as many Black people are arrested, prosecuted and convicted than white people. And to what end? Through this, white supremacy achieves our civil death: the loss of the rights and privileges of citizenship. When convicted of a felony, one loses their right to vote or hold office; access to college financial aid; the ability to work with and mentor kids; eligibility to work in any job that requires a license, such as a CPA or a barber; and, frequently, the ability to rent a decent home [Source: NAACP].

Back to “the talk”

Now I see why my dad was so shaken when the school told him his Black son had been caught stealing, why the tough dad who survived childhood abuse was afraid, why he begged me to be good and stay out of trouble. He was rightfully scared that I would become a statistic: One of the three Black boys in America who will go to prison during their lifetime. To be a Black father in America is to balance the constant fear that your child’s life will be stolen with the joy and love of parenthood.

Jon Wizard lives in Seaside with his partner, two stepsons, two miniature dachshunds, and a cat. After his law enforcement career abruptly ended due to an on-the-job injury, Jon ran for city council and was elected in 2018. Jon now works for YIMBY Law, advocating for better long-range housing plans for local cities and counties. Jon holds a master’s degree in humanities and is currently working on a Master of Public Administration degree.

Ten Creative Father’s Day Gift Ideas

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Video Surprise Make a “World’s Best Dad” video that he’ll treasure for years to come. Put on your brainstorming cap for your own ideas, or try some of these. On videotape, share special memories of your dad, sing to him, read him a poem, or do skits. Get the whole family involved and conduct interviews with each other with Dad as the main topic. Don’t forget your props such as a banner or collection of his prized possessions including sports trophies or equipment that tell who he is. Finally, be sure to let him know just how much he means to you.

  • King for the Day It isn’t everyday that dad is waited on hand and foot. Offer to be his loyal servant for the day, and bring him coffee and toast in bed; fetch his newspaper; lie out his clothes, bath towel, and mat; be host or hostess and serve his beverages and snacks; clean up after him and anything else to give him the royal treatment.

  • Memories of Dad Purchase a scrapbook, and create a record of memories about your father and you. Include photos of special outings, events, and holidays you’ve had together and other memorabilia from family vacations and activities such as concert or sporting event ticket stubs, postcards, and brochures. Next to each photo or item, describe your memories of those times together with your father.

  • A Man to Remember Get your creative juices flowing, and write a poem for your dad. You need not be a poet to come up with a few thoughtful words to say how much he means. Describe the impact he’s had on your life, how he’s helped you to become the person you are today, and what he is to you. Then print it on stationery, mat, and frame it.

  • Togetherness Takes Two Has your dad been putting off the dreaded task of cleaning out his attic, basement, or garage? Give him a gift of shelving materials and brackets, wall racks and ceiling hooks, and storage crates. Then spend the day helping him to get it organized while catching up on old times.

  • World’s Greatest Let dad know that he’s the greatest 365 days a year! Give him a “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug, t-shirt, book cover, book marker, wallet card, or other trinket that he’ll see or use regularly.

  • Father’s Day Feast As the old adage goes; the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So, treat dad to a mouth-watering meal on the bar-be-que. Fix him his favorite: steak, ribs, chicken, burgers, or chops for starters, and don’t forget the grilled potatoes or squash, garlic bread or rolls, fresh green beans or asparagus, sweet corn, potato salad, and last but not least, his favorite dessert.

  • Just the Two of Us Put together a photo collage of you and your father. There are many ways to do this. Find instructions at your nearby craft store and create a Decoupage photo collage, keep it simple with a multi-photo frame, or purchase a unique 3D Photo Collage frame which can be found through a number of stores online.

  • Take a Stroll Enjoy a peaceful walk together in the park or the country. Better yet, gather your bikes or roller blades, hit a scenic bike path, and enjoy the summer breeze.

  • Certificates of Appreciation Show Dad you appreciate his hard work by returning the favor. Make coupons that say: “In appreciation for all that you do, Dad, please redeem this certificate for a hassle-free car wash by me!” Other favors include sweeping out the garage, mowing the lawn, or any other task for which he normally takes responsibility.

  • Catch a Flick…..or two Treat your dad to a movie fest. Rent a couple newly released videos or some of his long time favorites. Don’t forget the hot, buttered popcorn, candy, and soft drinks.


Kimberly Blaker is a freelance parenting and lifestyle writer. She’s also founder and director of KB Creative Digital Services, an internet marketing agency, at kbcreativedigital.com

Parenting Teens The Conscious Way

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Let’s be honest: life can be tough, and it is crucial for parents to understand that it is even tougher for teenagers with their changing brains. According to Dr. Dan Siegel, the bestselling author of Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, when it comes to parenting teenagers, it is essential to understand teens behave and feel the way they do because of the extraordinary changes in the development of their brain; not because they “lost their mind.” They test boundaries and explore the unknown —the traits that are essential for character building and purposeful living. This is their time for novelty seeking, creative explorations, intense emotions, and social engagement. It is a natural time for our children to push away from us, find their sovereignty, and move towards their peers. It is essential to accept that they no longer look at us as flawless heroes but actual people with limitations.

The more we accept the natural states of our teenager’s brain, the more we are empowered to accept the situation to make wise and compassion-based choices rather than reacting based on defense mechanisms, familial and societal shoulds and shouldn’ts, and our own unhealed wounds. This practice is the pillar of conscious parenting. Shefali Tsabary Ph.D., the bestselling author of The Conscious Parent, illustrates this in her teachings when she says, “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini-me.” Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”

It is imperative to understand people “misbehave” or “feel bad” when one or more of their basic psychological needs of autonomy, competence, and connectedness are not being met. Therefore, one of the best strategies is to get curious and attempt to fulfill these unmet needs. Most of the time, connecting with ourselves and our children can do the job. That is why mindfulness practices are necessary to train our brain to separate us from our knee-jerk reactions to respond with empathy and effectiveness.

Without practice, our ego can get the better of us and leaves us stranded with short-term solutions such as punishment and reward or yelling and threatening. There is no denying that these strategies might get the job done in the short run. However, a conscious parent needs to ask what is it that is being accomplished by adopting these short-term techniques. Some questions that can help you make better choices in both the current situation and in the future include:

  • What am I teaching my kids at this moment?

  • Do I want my kids to do the same thing to a younger sibling or another person?

  • If I deny my children’s emotions and current states, am I not teaching them to sweep their feelings under the rug in the long-run?

  • Dr. Shefali Tsabary offers the best advice for raising teens when she says: “Release your attachments to how things “ought” to be and instead surrender to how they actually are.” What great advice for all of us as we navigate the sometimes complicated tween and teen years with our children.



is a Ph.D. candidate in performance psychology, a certified transformational coach, and a mindful living conscious parenting educator. Call (831) 915-9438 for your complimentary 30-minute session.

Gift Giving Confusion Leads To the Joy of Experience

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A pogo stick sits behind the door of my daughter’s bedroom.  I purchased it as a gift for the holidays with the optimism that she would spend lots of time bouncing up and down in giddy laughter. Now, months later, my hopes have faded.

Buying toys for kids today is a complex affair. As a dad, I seek out toys that afford fun and keep my child engaged for a length of time at least comparable to what I spent on the toy.  I also want to believe that, if toys are recommended for ages 5 and up, that we will get the “and up” part, and my daughter will want to play with the toy for longer than the time it takes to open the packaging.  As a result, we store a lot of toys and my daughter cycles through a narrow band of all the toys she has.  Of course, when my wife and I attempt to move the toys my daughter has outgrown into the donation box, each neglected toy becomes precious.

I am regularly amazed by what my daughter does play with.  Lately, she has been playing with a large computer box someone gave my wife because he thought my daughter would like to color it.  Color it, she did.  Ornate renderings of figures, rainbows, flowers, hearts, names, and various letters appeared in a variety of media.  And then, she wanted to play “package” where we pretend the box gets delivered with her inside and later she bounces out as we open the surprise package. The box also became an enchanted castle protected by magical unicorns from whom we needed to ask permission to cross the living room. The box became a coffee shop that produced an array of odd-flavored teas, coffees, and smoothies that we had to order and later retrieve when she called our names.  I mentioned this was a box we got for free, right?

It is also surprising to see which toys become a focus of energy.  If your kid is like mine, then you have a “collector” of sorts.  “Collector” is a term we use loosely because these are not usual collectibles but rather the assorted rock and shells and giveaway trinkets from community events. Early on, we decided that these rocks and shells needed a good storage place outside the house—so we established a “rock box” for all she collects to reside just by the doorstep.  Given her interest, we thought she might like a rock tumbler.  In case you are unfamiliar, this is a little machine that sort of looks like a mini-cement mixer in which you throw some rocks, some special sand, and water and leave it on for days and days, 24/7.  After a couple of weeks, you empty the grit and add coarser sand to polish the rocks more.  In our initial batch, our daughter was thrilled with the results and was excited to glue one of her gems to a metal ring setting that came with the kit.  She then spent time hunting for the prettiest rocks to add to the next batch.  Her patience and focus with the process are in contrast to her typical pattern.  But, it’s a win for us, the parents.

A lot of the times, if you’re like me, you see toys and think, “I’d like to play with that,” which then fuels your purchase. This brings me back to the pogo stick.  I never had a pogo stick as a child, which may be why the pogo stick seemed like a good purchase for my daughter. When she first got it, I coached her, but she became disheartened when she did not master it right away.  Instead, I should have realized that she is far more social and wants activities that require interaction or opportunities to pretend. Or, even better, I should play with her more using her toys and games that require more than one person to maximize the fun. It will help me tune in more to who she is when she plays.  It has taken me a while to learn that it is less about the toy and more about the experience she has with me.   

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.

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