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Making Mom Friends Is Hard to Do (but so worth it!)

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Long sleepless nights, diapers, potty-training, and baby-talk—it’s enough to make any mother of a baby or toddler crave adult interaction and conversation. Throw in an ongoing pandemic, and moms of littles everywhere are feeling lonelier than ever and yearning for connection outside the home. Luckily, Monterey County is a family-friendly area with resources to help moms (and little ones) make new friends and socialize.

Local mom Mariah Klair of Pacific Grove has found friendship and connection through multiple channels. Her kids are ages 12, three years old, and two months old. Swimming lessons, storytime at the library, and park trips have been the easiest way to meet other moms and socialize her youngest children. Even posting items on the local PG for sale group on Facebook has led to connections with other women in the area. When asked what advice she would give local parents who feel isolated or like the task of making other mom friends is difficult, Klair said, “Go to your local park and make connections there. There are many other mothers who are feeling the same insecurities and looking for simple chatter with an adult like yourself. I have been going to one park twice a week, and I always end up chatting away for hours with new friends, old friends–and my son does the same with kids his own age.”

A local organization, Parents’ Place in Pacific Grove, is an option for more structured meetings where moms and their children can take classes together. Mollie Collyer, of Pacific Grove, enjoyed taking her kids there pre-pandemic and shared, “They have age-related classes for infants to three years. It’s a great place for support and a place for your child to socialize with other children of the same age and gain lifelong friends.” Also local to PG is Annique Anderson, who had her first child six weeks ago—and she is another fan of Parents’ Place. “I signed up for a mommy and me class when my son was 3 weeks old, and we still go every week. It’s nice to meet people going through the same challenges as you are and be able to discuss them and get through them together, so you don’t feel alone,” said Anderson. (Sidenote: there is a cost involved for classes at Parents’ Place).

Now that some restrictions have lifted, Collyer has started taking her three-year-old daughter to activities such as ballet and gymnastics, where they have both made friends. She also cites pre-school pick-up for her five-year-old son as a great place to make mom friends. One of the benefits of technology, as Collyer said, is the ability to meet parents online, too. “I’ve seen people move into this area and post on Facebook they’re looking for another mom to meet up for play dates or a walk. Something I’ve heard about but haven’t used is an app called Peanut. It’s like a dating app to meet other parents. We’re lucky to live in an area that is so family friendly!”

Sometimes budget constraints can make it difficult to participate in classes such as the Parents’ Place’s offerings. Local Monterey mom of two, Emily Furner, has ideas of how to get involved with free meetups. “The best ways I have found to make friends are through my church (my church has an hour of children’s classes every Sunday) and library story time. It (story time) is free and normally well attended in both Monterey and PG. After you go a couple times and see the same faces a few weeks in a row, it is easy to say hi to them and try to do introductions,” Furner said. Worth noting, too, is the unique challenge of making friends in a military community. Furner explained, “About 90% of my friends I have made here are military. But the problem with military friends is that they inevitably leave, meaning that you have to start the making friends process all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my military friends and still have stayed in contact with some that have moved. But the constant goodbyes are hard.” Plus, living in an area where so many vacation can mean meeting people who are just passing through. Furner said that sometimes she ends up giving restaurant recommendations to visitors more than she truly connects with other moms at the park.

It also bears mentioning that a huge obstacle to making friends when you have a baby is postpartum issues such as depression and anxiety. Anderson signed herself up for PPD classes at the “Beth El” Temple in Salinas through the Parenting Connection, which is another resource for mothers of infants and toddlers. Their focus is on supporting parents through postpartum challenges.

Making friends as an adult really is hard to do, pandemic or not. And it can be doubly challenging in the early days when sleep is elusive and children need your attention constantly. When asked what her best advice for new moms is, Anderson said, “Try not to overwhelm yourself but do try to find at least one group that you can join to meet other mothers. It can be very challenging at first with having the new baby and trying to sleep and feed and manage your emotions. But to me, having somewhere to go each week and something to look forward to was super helpful for me in my recovery from PPD. I really look forward to my class every week because it helps me feel less isolated and alone.”

Furner added that it’s important to care for yourself and not to get discouraged too quickly. “It is easy to be discouraged when you are a mom and sleep-deprived and have five thousand other things to worry about besides trying to make time for mom friends when you can’t even find time for yourself. Go to library storytime. And remember the best things take time to develop (and that includes friendships).”

Nadia Morgan is an East Coast native who now feels truly at home on the West Coast. She has a degree in writing. A military wife of 20 years, Nadia is Editorial Assistant for Monterey Bay Parent Magazine. You can reach her by email at editorial@montereybayparent.com

Celebrating the wonder that is mom’s purse

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It is in this month that we celebrate Mother’s Day and show our appreciation for mothers and everything they do.  But, as a dad, I also want to take a moment to recognize the wonderment that is the Mom Purse.

When I go out with my daughter, I have my wallet, keys, phone, a tissue, maybe some hair clips for her, and perhaps Chapstick, but I hate having things in my pockets. I try to take the fewest things possible.  However, when my wife is with us, and something is needed, items appear from her purse like Hermione Granger’s never-ending handbag from the Harry Potter movies. I have become dependent on my wife’s purse, knowing that there are band-aids, ibuprofen, a sewing kit, a shopping bag, candy and/or gum, tissues, wipes, hand sanitizer, a USB flash drive, a granola bar, a pen, and other mysterious items.  There might even be a potion or two.

I believe that the Mom Purse spans across generations. As a child, I remember my own mother’s purse, which held certain items reliably: Trident gum (Original, Fruit, or Spearmint only) that always tasted vaguely of perfume, one sample size of perfume, loose tissues, lipstick, an emory board, at least one cellophane-wrapped mint from a restaurant, one or two sugar packets, toothpicks in paper, a dime (to call for an emergency), and occasionally saltines. Yet, there was always a little excitement in being able to check my mom’s purse, in case there was a forgotten treat inside.

I know I could carry a Man Bag, with no threat to my cred as a dad, but I have not developed the habit of carrying these supplies and tools of parenting. Mostly, I can rely on the Mom Purse nearby (or even the Mom Purses of others).

When my daughter was little, we had the diaper bag backpack that I dutifully carried, full of diapers, ointment, extra clothes, changing pad, pacifier, wipes, extra plastic bags for when no trash was near, hand sanitizer, teething ring, a smaller container of formula and more that I am probably forgetting. Every outing was punctuated by the amount of stuff that needed to be carried–”just in case.”  Like many parents of young children, I became reliant on the backpack to contain all that was needed to soothe, clean, and calm an active toddler, assuring my wife that her purse was unnecessary.

One time, we were visiting a small children’s museum in Los Angeles with our then-toddler.  As she was enjoying the interactive exhibits, I noticed a dark stain on the bottom of her cute, pale green, summer romper. Given the allure of the museum activities, my wife and I quickly shuttled her to the family bathroom to resolve the situation.  Changing an active toddler in a confined space with exciting activities outside is a bit like wrestling with an octopus. Luckily, I had the backpack full of the necessary items, or so we thought. When I looked in the backpack, there was not a complete change of clothes–only a t-shirt. I took the romper off, with its big smear of the end product of breakfast, and tried to wash it off sufficiently, so she could wear it and go back out to play.  After five rounds of a hand dryer, the wetness was there, and the contrasting brown stain was plain to see. We finally decided that we would absorb the stares of the other parents and let her roam around in her diaper, hoping that there would not be a hull breach. The outing ended well, but since that day and to date, my wife and I always have a complete change of clothes in our cars for my daughter. The bag had failed us (or, we had failed the bag). And, the Mom Purse is never left behind.

I celebrate the Mom Purse as an extension of celebrating the mom. All the moms I know are prepared with various supplies in their purses.  As a consequence, the dads are free to not carry things or think about the “what ifs” because we know there are supplies nearby.  If there is ever a real disaster, I will happily shelter with a group of moms with big purses, whose contents will certainly keep us fed, clean, and bandaged.

The well-stocked Mom Purse is really emblematic of moms, in general, who lug around stuff not for themselves but for the care of others. Moms are selfless in sacrificing their own comfort to be sure the needs of others are met. Thank you, Moms, as Mom Purse schleppers, for thinking of the possibilities and needs of the rest of us. Happy Mother’s Day!

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Five things I learned from my mother … about being a father

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There are times when I am talking to my daughter, hearing the words from my mouth, and I realize that I sound like my mother. My parenting is deeply rooted in how I was parented and particularly by my mother.

With Mother’s Day this month, I think of five things I learned from her:

1. Show you care about others in small ways. My mother is the kind of person who, when she travels, buys trinkets for loved ones. When she visits, there are small gifts of things on sale, giveaways she thought we would like, or items she remembered we said we wanted. From growing up, I learned about the importance of showing others what you think of them.

I am not a trinket-buyer. However, I do a large chunk of grocery shopping, and sometimes, I buy a new product or something I think my daughter will find interesting. When I return, my daughter will ask, “Did you buy any treats?” You’ve never seen a child so excited over sour gummy fruit snacks, but I think she recognizes that someone was thinking about her like my mother did (and continues to do) for me.

2. Recognize the person who your kid is, audibly. My mom is one of my biggest fans. As I grew up, she regularly commented positively on the work I did. But, she commented not just on the hard work but also on the kind of person I was. She told me I was intelligent, creative, clever, talented, etc. Although my face would redden when she would say these things, it was a good reminder that she had faith in me and saw the best version of who I was. Like many people, there were times when it felt like other kids didn’t recognize these traits. But, my mom was unwavering.  As a dad, I have learned that, just as my mother praised the person I was, I do the same with my daughter. I am quick to remind my daughter of her creativity, sense of humor, fearlessness, compassion, and ability to bring people together. Like my mom did, I want to be sure that my daughter knows that I see her for the person she is.

3. Try new experiences. I grew up in a solidly working-class family, where we did not have a lot of money for extras, but my mother found ways to introduce new activities. She once got discounted tickets for a strange theater performance of a sad clown who did not speak for 45 minutes but pantomimed to violin music. At intermission, my sister and I begged to leave, but mother had us stay. After the “play” resumed, the clown dashed off stage and burst into the lobby. Moments later, the sad clown flung open the doors and uttered the only words of the whole play, “Donuts! Donuts!” and threw donuts, frisbee-style, into the audience. After that, he started interacting with the audience, leaving us laughing. My mother also took us to the roller derby because we liked roller skating. To see something different, we went to see Wrestlemania IV live. From her attitude, I think I have also embraced that notion with my parenting. In our family, we take advantage of the breadth of activities in our area (when they were open). As a family, we have taken tours of a mushroom farm, attended open houses at the local research labs, attended cultural festivals like Dia de Los Muertos, the Obon Festival, and the Jewish Food Festival, been to events during car week, and probably others that I am forgetting. The point is that, like my mother, I am trying to convey the idea that there is a wide diversity of experiences out there. You never know when donuts may fly through the air.

4. Have a positive attitude towards learning. I always remember my mother taking a class. When we first got a microwave oven, she took a class on microwave cooking.  When she wanted to transition out of being a secretary, she took classes to become a mortgage broker. She would take all the education classes they offered when she went on a cruise. In her 50’s, she took courses at a community college, one or two classes at a time, to get her A.A. Now, in her later 70’s, she is pursuing her Bachelor’s degree as a junior at Cal State Northridge, majoring in Psychology. She has demonstrated to me that there is always something to learn and that learning leads to self-improvement. I think that a positive attitude towards learning has sunk in when my daughter can barely contain herself to tell me what she learned watching “Operation Ouch!” or something she learned from the main school lesson for the day.

5. Affection is expected. My mom is a hugger and a kisser. A hug and kiss are required upon arrival and departure (even as an adult). When something good happened, there was a kiss and a hug. When I was sick, my mom would take my temperature by putting her lips on my forehead to determine my level of illness, which ended with a kiss. Even at the age when affection was considered embarrassing by me, it was still administered with the warning, “I’m still your mother.” There were also those times when I was stressed over some aspect of adolescent triviality that the kiss good night was indeed a reminder that some relationships are constant. The physical interaction between parents and children has meaning–it reinforces the relationship, it provides appropriate intimacy, and it reminds you that you are loved. I make sure that my affection is expressed freely to my daughter.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, my wife, and to all the moms reading!

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

Mother’s Day Traditions Around the World

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In the United States the second Sunday in May is all about Mom. With breakfast in bed, handmade gifts, and a little time for special pampering, Mother’s Day is the day we celebrate mothers in the US. While many countries join us in the May celebration, there are also more traditional ways of acknowledging mothers around the world.

The American version of Mother’s Day was created by Anna Jarvis in 1908 and became an official holiday in 1914. Oddly enough, Jarvis would later denounce the holiday’s commercialization and worked in her later years to have it removed from the calendar.

Other countries and cultures have their own unique celebrations to honor mothers. To add a special twist to this year’s celebration, see if you can adapt one of these international celebrations to your family’s Mother’s Day.

India: 10-Day Festival

While India does celebrate a westernized version of Mother’s Day on the second Sunday in May, Hindus traditionally celebrate the goddess Durga Puka, or Divine Mother, in October. Families spend weeks getting ready for the festival by preparing food, decorating their homes, and buying and making gifts. The celebration is both a religious ceremony and a time for family reunions and gatherings.

Japan: The Right Flowers

Following World War II, the tradition of using carnations to symbolize motherhood began. Children gave their mothers red carnations, and those who had lost their mother displayed a white carnation. The tradition has evolved to giving white carnations to all mothers. Today, mothers are taken out to eat and celebrated with gifts, such as kimonos, kokeshi dolls, and cards.

Ethiopia:  Antrosht

On the second Sunday in May, The Antrosht Festival is dedicated to mothers. The 3-day celebration calls for the whole family to gather and enjoy traditional Ethiopian meals. Daughters traditionally provide the vegetables and cheese while the boys in the family provide the meat. The meal includes hash–a combination of lamb or bull, vegetables, butter, and spices and Ethiopian punch–a mixture of lemon, orange, grape, and pineapple juice, and Rosebery syrup. After the feast, families gather to sing, dance, and play music.

Mexico, Guatemala, and El Salvador: Sweet Serenade

Dia de Las Madres is always held on May 10 and is filled with flowers, large family gatherings, and community celebrations. Many businesses close, and Mariachi music and singing fill the cities and rural towns. The tradition has been carried to the US, where many Mexican-American families celebrate by hiring Mariachi bands to serenade the family matriarch.

France: Medals for Mom

In 1806, Napoleon established a special day dedicated to the mothers of large families. This celebration was revived after World War I when it was adjusted to honor the widows who lost their husbands during the war. In 1941, the government chose the last Sunday of May as the official Mother’s Day date.

In every French municipality, the mayor can honor mothers of large families by giving them a special medal called “Médaille de la Famille” (Family Medal). Mothers can receive a gold medal if they have more than eight children, a silver medal if they have six or seven children, and a bronze medal if they have four or five children.

Most French families now celebrate more simply by giving gifts of flowers, perfume, and jewelry.

This year, especially, moms have taken on even more and they deserve to be treated to at least one special day that is all theirs. You may not be able to get a mariachi band to serenade your favorite mom, but a little creativity will definitely be appreciated!

Monterey’s Medical Moms

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Most people who work in the medical field are selfless professionals who want to help others. With the recent COVID-19 pandemic, this quality is even more apparent as they literally risk their lives to do their jobs. We’re highlighting four mothers who work in the medical field. We truly appreciate everything they do for their patients, their families, and our community.

Jordan Fredrickson

Jordan is a registered nurse who works in the skilled nursing wing of a local nursing home.  As a charge nurse she works with residents who need long-term, high-needs care, or short-term care while recovering from an illness or injury. Jordan oversees the daily medical needs of the residents, including giving them medications, administering treatments, and monitoring any chronic medical conditions they may have.

Jordan has been a nurse for two years and in her current position for six months. She loves being able to take care of the elderly population and provide them with the loving, compassionate care that she would give her parents or grandparents. Unlike a hospital with acute patients, she mostly works with long term residents, so it is easy for her to develop relationships and become attached to them.

Even though she is not on the front lines in the ER or ICU battling COVID 19, she is still anxious because she feels a profound responsibility to care for and protect the residents.

Her facility is screening all employees before they come into the building and rationing the personal protection equipment in case they need to take an overflow COVID positive patient from an area hospital.

One of the unanticipated difficulties is that the facility has been on a visitor lockdown for over a month now, and it’s hard for some of the residents to understand why their loved ones aren’t coming to see them anymore. Medical providers are the residents’ only real connection to the outside world now, which places a lot of pressure on the staff.

Jordan tries to assist in facilitating phone calls, video chats, and visits through windows as much as possible. The pandemic has created an air of anxiety, especially for some of the residents who have memory issues and thrive in a structured, scheduled environment. It is stressful, but the staff is devoted to making the residents lives as normal and as happy as possible and will continue to do so through this crisis.

Jordan’s husband is in the Navy and a master’s degree student at Naval Postgraduate school. Her daughter goes to preschool when she is working. She worries about potential exposures with her daughter in daycare but she does not have a choice and feels fortune that her daughter’s daycare is still open.

Jordan’s biggest fear is getting infected and bringing it home to her family. She also worries that she may be an asymptomatic carrier and bring it into the facility. When not at work, she is diligently sheltering in place to minimize contact with the outside world.   

Sarah Ofstedal Ramer

A physical therapist in home health,

Sarah goes to the homes of patients. She works with them on restoring independence by improving their mobility, usually after an illness or hospitalization. Sarah works out of her car with all of her supplies in the back seat.

She has been a physical therapist for 16 years – the past two years in home health. She loves getting to know her patients and helping them develop a plan so that they can live their lives outside their home.

Her current biggest challenge is managing her supplies. She has a strict system in her car to control the risk of cross-contamination. She must reuse masks because of the shortage, and home health agencies are struggling to get restocked. She isn’t sure where things stand with assistance from the State of California, and  Sarah worries that home health won’t receive needed funding from Washington.

Another challenge she faces is that her job demands that she stands close to her patients and at times physically assist them, putting them both at risk for possible transfer of the virus.

Sarah recently made the difficult decision to be one of the therapists on staff treating patients who are currently or were positive for COVID. These patients have gone through a crisis and need extensive rehab to get their lives back.

Due to the lack of supplies, she is working as a team with her coworkers in creating a system that helps stretch their resources, while not ignoring reasonable infection control.

Sarah says that she feels torn between continuing to work with her patients and being home with her daughter. Her husband is also an essential worker who works at night further complicating their lives.

Sarah’s daughter is in kindergartner and is now being home schooled. Because she’s at work all day, and her daughter is in daycare, they can’t begin schoolwork until after the work day ends. Between school work, dinner preparation, getting ready for bed, and a limited amount of family time, it’s been a difficult situation.

Sarah is grateful for the support the family is getting from her daughter’s teacher, and she knows that they’ll get through this together.

Weslee Scott

Weslee is a Medical Assistant and Phlebotomist. She takes a patient’s vitals, asks about the reason for the visit, and may need to draw blood. She gives immunizations and injections of pain meds and steroids. She also provides specialist referrals.

Weslee has worked at her current job for a year but has been in the medical field for eight years. She loves helping patients but also faces some challenges. She has the occasional difficult patient who she deals with by reminding herself that people come to the doctor when they are aren’t feeling well. She also struggles with not being able to see her sons as often as she would like to since she is working.

Due to the Coronavirus, her clinic has decreased the hours they are open and reduced hours the employees work. For her, that means shorter hours and less money, but the upside is she also gets to see her children more.

Jennifer Zeidberg, MD.

As an Obstetrics and Gynecology doctor in private practice, Jennifer delivers about 15 babies per month and performs surgery at CHOMP and the Monterey Peninsula Surgery Center. She has had a private practice since 2011 and has been a doctor for 19 years.

In an ordinary week, Jennifer sees 100-110 patients in her office. She delivers anywhere between 2-5 babies and performs 1-3 surgeries. Her patients see her for obstetrical care, well-woman exams, evaluations for abnormal bleeding, infections, contraception, and cancer.

Currently, she is seeing less than 40 patients in a week. She is trying to space out necessary appointments so that no patient waits in the waiting area and to give staff time to disinfect all patient areas between visits.

When Jennifer gets home, she has a strict routine of stripping down in her garage and throwing her scrubs in the hot wash. She cleans her phone, leaves her clogs outside, runs inside and washes hands/face, and only then will she see her family. If she is exposed, she plans to quarantine in her office, as one of her colleagues did. It is her job to care for patients and do no harm; it is also her responsibility and privilege to keep her families safe.

In an ordinary week, her three kids are in school all week and have sports and activities every weekend. Her husband is a professor at CSUMB, so he teaches during the kids’ school hours and is home for them when they get out. Currently, he’s teaching virtually. Her oldest son is home from his freshman year at college, her special needs son is doing online learning from Pacific Grove High School, and her daughter is virtual learning through Pacific Grove Middle School. The earliest disappointments were seeing her children’s sports events canceled. This is her daughter’s last year with her sports team and that, coupled with classes being cancelled, was a tough blow.

The most challenging part for Jennifer has been watching her special needs son flounder. Away from the Pacific Grove Unified School District program that had given him the routine and interventions he needed has been difficult.  Each day he wakes up asking about school, and if there’s no school, then he thinks that there should be outings to Bookworks Book Store or Rising Star Gymnastics–his pre-pandemic weekend activities. His family works to help him enjoy his days but there’s a lot of screen time which is tough for him to handle.

Ordinarily, her discussions with her patients are about how their health is, what’s happening with the preparations for their child’s birth, or celebrating family events. Currently, Jennifer spends more time talking about COVID and how to best prepare for prevention without increasing anxiety. Jennifer is also seeing an increase in postpartum depression, especially around loss of employment and/or insurance coverage. She spends time with patients dispelling myths they may have seen on social media. There is so much fear and anxiety, and it’s heartbreaking to Jennifer.

While she feels fortunate to live in a state and county that adopted guidelines to keep the infection numbers low, COVID-19 has had a significant impact on every aspect of Jennifer’s life, from home to work, even though this virus has not directly touched her.

Thank You Medical Moms!

We want to say a huge thank you to all the medical moms who continue to work in their profession despite the risk to their own lives and the sacrifice to their own families. We truly appreciate all that you are doing.

Cheryl Maguire holds a Master of Counseling Psychology degree. She is married and is the mother of twins and a daughter. Her writing has been published in The New York Times, Parents Magazine, AARP, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Count Your Blessing, Your Teen Magazine and other publications. You can find her at Twitter @CherylMaguire05.

When Mother’s Day Is Difficult

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May is a traditional time of renewal: spring is in full swing, the weather is turning warmer, and flowers are blooming. It’s also when we turn our attention to paying tribute to mothers.

This year, as we shelter in place, may be different from our usual Mother’s Day celebrations. Due to the virus that is sweeping the world, we might not be able to be with our own mothers or the children who call us Mom. For me, Mother’s Day is always a mixed bag of emotions and this year will be no different. I am a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother. I’m also a bereaved mother. May 10th will be my eleventh Mother’s Day without my youngest child.

Ian was my later-in-life child. The one I had planned for with my husband. I had two children when we married, and my son and daughter were nine and nineteen years old when Ian was born. Although I was forty years old, it was a relatively easy pregnancy and delivery with no complications. Ian was born four weeks early, but healthy. He was eating well and growing on schedule. However, at eight weeks old, he developed flu-like symptoms: fussy and upset all day, he threw up a few times. By that evening, Ian’s eyes looked unfocused, and while I was rubbing his head, I noticed his soft spot was bulging. We took him to urgent care, and from there, we were taken to the emergency room by ambulance. That was late on a Thursday night. By Saturday morning, he was gone. He had a fast-growing brain tumor, and there was nothing that could be done.

The ensuing years were a series of steps forward and steps back. Each Mother’s Day after Ian’s birth, I feel this odd mixture of feelings: grateful beyond description for the blessings I have in my children and grandchild, yet incomplete. I am filled with intense love for my children here on earth, yet gripped by longing for the child who is no longer with us. It’s a paradox that makes Mother’s Day especially rough at times. I usually spend the day laughing and talking with my family, celebrating being a mom, a grandma, and a daughter. But I have moments when my heart feels like it’s going to stop beating. In those moments, I must remind myself to take a breath.

If you have also suffered the loss of a child or a pregnancy, I want you to know you’re not alone. You can get through this, and it is okay to feel grateful for what you have, while also feeling profound sadness at what you don’t. There is another group of you who may be experiencing Mother’s Day without your mothers. That, too, is a profound and excruciating loss. Your mother is, quite literally, the reason you are here. The relationship with our mother can be complicated. Whether she was a good mom or a bad one, she helped to make you who you are, and losing her can leave you feeling incomplete. Finally, as a part of a global community, we are all experiencing a different kind of loss this year. Many of us won’t be with our families on Mother’s Day if social distancing rules are still in place. This, too, is a painful reality worthy of sorrow.

It is okay to grieve for whatever loss you may be experiencing this year. On a day we set aside to recognize the mothers in our lives, it’s okay to feel ambivalent about it or even sad. Because when you’re thinking of the people you love the most, any loss you feel is even more pronounced. On this Mother’s Day, especially, be gentle with yourself. If you are a mom, celebrate yourself. You are incredible, and you deserve it.

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.

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