With the cool fall weather, the travel season begins. Snacks are packed, weather forecasts checked, and toys and tablets are at the ready. Whether by car or plane or both, families are on the move. Many will travel to visit relatives or have relatives come visit them. For the most part, gathering with relatives is part of what makes for special holidays. Since kids may not see their relatives regularly, they may need some coaching to support smooth interactions.
This holiday season, we are traveling to Los Angeles and staying with my mother for a few days. My wife and I remind our daughter that her grandmother has a different daily schedule than we do. We get up early, and she does not. My mom does her best in shopping for food in preparation for our arrival, not always knowing the kinds of yogurt we eat, the types of cereal, or the snacks that are desired. As an attentive grandma with good intentions, sometimes there is too much kid-focused food that could not be consumed in a short visit, or memories of food once enjoyed now overflowing in the pantry. I too have to realize that the typical guidelines we have for nutritious eating and less snacking are thrown aside when there are specially-purchased treats at grandma’s house. Now, my daughter knows that there will be different routines and special foods to eat and that part of being guests is making do with what is available as part of the adventure.
In the same visit, we plan on visiting my wife’s cousins (really, her father’s first cousins) who are older and have no children, so there are no “kid” activities on the agenda. One particular cousin’s house is overfilled with a lifetime of possessions, making movements tight—and with two loveable but untrained dogs. My wife and I remind my daughter of what it will be like on the inside of the home and the polite ways we expect her to interact with this kind cousin who just wants the opportunity to interact with family members. She now knows that, as a guitar-playing hobbyist, he will want to hear how her lessons are progressing (and may ask her to play). My daughter has been gracious in her interactions and learned to save any reactions for the car. When we are with this cousin, my daughter gets to hear stories of family events that took place, the quirks of her long-dead relatives, and about the life of her active cousin who is more than 75 years older than her. She is learning about having compassion for the elders in her family and acceptance of people for who they are. She also can locate herself on the family tree and how she too is the product of this brilliant, funny, stubborn, petty, and loving panoply of people that is her family.
Recently, we had my wife’s twin half-brothers over for dinner who are in their early 20’s and have not had much opportunity to really get to know our daughter, given their youth, Covid, and their distance from us. My wife and I had to remind her of their names even though, as fraternal twins, they do not look alike. Because of my wife’s involvement with them in their early childhood, she retold the funny things they did as children and their interactions with their common father, whom my daughter barely got to know. My wife told a story of how one of her brothers would commonly drink the brine from pickles as a toddler. He then indicated that he still likes pickle juice and all things that are pickled. With a broad smile, my daughter confirmed how much she too likes pickled items. So I decided to pull out all the pickled items in the fridge to have a taste-off (which included pickled figs, pickled watermelon rind, pickled daikon, pickled bullwhip kelp, and of course, pickled cucumbers). We all enjoyed the items, trading reactions, rating our choices, and laughing. My daughter got to know her uncles better and see, once again, how she fit into this side of the pickle-loving family.
When it comes to relatives, I think we look at the best aspects of them and say to ourselves, “I am like this person,” and know there is comfort in knowing that there are other people like us out there. For kids who do not get to see relatives often, there is reassurance that, not only are there other people with dimples or a similar color of eyes, but there are other people who care about them despite the geographical distance. For elders, there is also a psychological benefit to seeing their continuity through the younger generations of the family. So if the holidays take you to relatives or bring them to your home, remind your kids that their best traits come from those people around them.
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