There may be fewer bedtime rituals as our children get older but it’s still an important part of your child’s day. It can be a time for processing the day or important issues between parent and child or as simple as a short time for reconnecting and sending child off to sleep with a feeling of security.
The tucking in is the final signal that the day is over and it is time to rest. Sometimes, this signal is not received and there is a bellow from the bed of “Daaaad!” or “Mooooom!” If you are like me, you take a deep breath and prepare for resolving the situation, tucking in again.
When kids are young, there is an elaborate sequence of events that must occur. Parents may have to help with brushing teeth, getting their kid to use the toilet (or do the last diaper change), reading a story or two or three (as negotiated), and then ensuring the child is sufficiently under covers. The preferred stuffy is propped nearby, lights shut off, and a quiet and quick departure happens. From the parent, there is usually an exhale and a hope that the tuck in will stick.
For little kids, the tucking in often does not stick and heads emerge from rooms to explore the household nightlife (or to create some). Or, parents will find their child out of bed playing with toys as a means to fight their fatigue and passage into sleep. Then, parents futilely extol the value of sleep to restless souls, and the ritual begins again, in an abbreviated version. In the moment, it can be hard to envision a time when the ritual will not be necessary but then kids get older and become more independent.
As they get older, tucking in can also be an intimate moment for the child and the parent to connect. Sometimes, as a child relaxes, there may be reflection on the day and a callout to the parent to share one last detail before it is lost in sleep. During these nighttime confessionals, I have heard about other kids’ bodily functions, behavioral meltdowns of other children, and odd findings on the playground, but I also hear compliments received from a teacher and kindness from a friend. During these brief interludes, parents can query in hushed tones what the child has been most proud of accomplishing during the day and leave reminders to their child of how loved and valued they are before they drift off. Some families may use this time for saying prayers, individually or together. These prayers, often of protection, thankfulness, and forgiveness, allow for some mental unburdening and reassurance for kids and a notion that, despite the occurrences during the day, the next day will be a new start.
As my daughter got older, she could get herself to bed and used her time to read until she was ready to sleep. However, she still wanted the tucking in. And she still wants the final good night from one or both of her parents. There is less ritual now, and the tucking in now includes parental reminders of the next day’s schedule or upcoming events. There are also times when her day is fraught with conflicts and tucking in is the time when she needs to process, aloud, her worries for the next day or seek to understand why people behave the way that they do. Often, there are no easy answers, but there is a chance to let go of those feelings with parental reassurance and sink into sleep in the cozy environment.
There are also those days in which tucking in comes after a long, protracted battle, my repetition of “go to bed” 500 times, and discovery of my child awake, long after bedtime, engaging in a messy activity not conducive for bedtime. After her slow, distracted movement into pajamas, and my own de-escalation from annoyance, there is the tucking in.
As a parent, amid the frenetic pace of the day and homelife, there are few times to feel assured that you are doing okay as a parent. Kids become more independent and need less parental supervision. Still, giving a kiss, tucking in, and seeing a child roll over into sleep provides solace that things are going alright.
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