fear Archives - Monterey Bay Parent

Parents love seeing little ghosts, ghouls, and goblins on the doorstep at Halloween. But when monsters, ghosts, and other imaginary figures start keeping kids awake at night, it’s another story.

Nighttime fears are highly common—and not just for little kids, either. “Studies show this is a very common issue, affecting up to three-quarters of kids from preschool through adolescence at one time or another,” clinical psychologist Jayne Schachter Walco, Ph.D. of Parsippany, New Jersey, says. “Parents think of fears as something only small children deal with, but that’s untrue.”

Young children aged three to six are more likely to complain of “fantastical” fears like monsters and ghosts, while older children fear things that could actually happen, like a fire, storm, or a home intruder, Walco says. That’s because small children have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality, while school-agers are becoming more aware of the sometimes-scary real world. Though fears vary for different children, parents can address them more or less the same way. Read on for how to slay the scariest of scary monsters at your house this fall.

Fear faker?

Young children are champions at stalling bedtime; how can parents tell if monster fears are more of the same? “When a child learns that complaining about a fear is a successful tactic to postpone bedtime, he might continue to do this even without any real fear,” says Shelby Harris, Psy.D., director of the Behavioral Sleep Medicine Program at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. But parents can sleuth out a genuine phobia, she says.

A real fear will be quite intense and will be present during the day, not just at night. So if your little arachnophobe only fears spiders after seven p.m., the fear may be bedtime-related, while a fear that’s present at other times is likely authentic.

Fear fix: Treat your child’s fears (even ones you suspect are less than genuine) with empathy and understanding, Harris says. Never laugh at your child or humiliate her. Instead, say “I understand how this might be scary for you, but you’re always safe here.”

Routine scene

Children with irregular sleep schedules are more prone to nighttime fears and nightmares, Walco says. Why? Overtired children have more difficulty reaching and maintaining deep sleep and spend more time in lighter, “dreaming” sleep, so vivid nightmares may come calling more often. These tired tots may wake more often during the night, resulting in more time spent pondering whether that shadow in the corner is really a monster in waiting.

Fear fix: Maintain a predictable, age-appropriate bedtime routine every night to boost relaxation before bed and help ensure that children get enough rest. Preschoolers need 10-12 hours of sleep each night; school-agers and teens need 9-11.

Bedroom buddy

Nighttime fears can seem more frightening when children sleep alone, Harris says, which is why children often ask to sleep with parents when they’re afraid. Whenever possible, though, parents should avoid the “quick fix” of letting kids hop into mom and dad’s bed—this can reinforce fear by communicating that a child’s bedroom isn’t a safe place to sleep.

Fear fix: Parents’ goal should be helping a child feel safe and comfortable in his or her own bedroom. “Whenever possible, soothe a child in the child’s bedroom, instead of in parents’ room,” Harris says. Once he’s calmed down, tell your child you’ll return to check on him in 10 minutes, and make sure to return as promised. Sleeping close to a sibling or pet can also help calm fears.

Creative calm

Parents employ a variety of creative tricks to help fearful kids, from imbuing a stuffed animal with magical powers to dousing a room with pretend “monster spray” to giving children a pretend sword for “protection.” These tactics can be effective for the preschool set, says licensed therapist Robert Turner of the Rose Sleep Disorders Center in Denver, Colorado. But beware: parents’ willingness to play along with fears in this way might convince a child that the fear is real.

Fear fix: For young children aged three to five, explore whether a transitional object like a special stuffed animal might help boost confidence and help a child fall asleep at bedtime, Turner says. But avoid reinforcing fear by hamming it up or acting afraid yourself.

Right light

Night frights are often sparked by fear of the dark, according to Robert S. Rosenberg, D.O., medical director of the Sleep Disorders Centers of Prescott Valley and author of Sleep Soundly Every Night; Feel Fantastic Every Day. While babies under two lack the cognitive capacity to be truly afraid the dark—this comes later, when the “imagination” part of the brain takes off during the preschool years—darkness may intensify fears in older children, whether the child is scared of something pretend, like a goblin, or something potentially real, like a burglar.

Fear fix: Flooding a fearful child’s bedroom with nighttime light can backfire; too much light at night can disturb circadian rhythms, intensifying insomnia or overtiredness. Place a small, dim nightlight in a corner of the room, away from a child’s face. Better yet, choose a night light with a red bulb, and avoid blue lights—research shows they disrupt sleep patterns, Rosenberg says.

Rapid reframe

Ultimately, the best approach is one that helps your child learn to manage fears long-term, says Walco. Help your child learn to take control of fearful, racing thoughts by reframing a scary mental image: a monster chasing your child with a knife (scary!) could become a friendly fairy chasing your child to offer an ice cream cone (sweet!). Arm your child with factual information, like the real causes of nighttime noises: spooky, creaky footsteps are really caused by your old floorboards, not an intruder. And practice self-calming strategies, like taking two deep breaths when afraid, or picturing a safe, enjoyable scene.

When a child masters the skills needed to self-regulate and actively dial down fears, he’ll be more confident, self-assured, and emotionally resilient—for life.

Malia Jacobson is an award-winning health and parenting journalist and mom of three. Her latest book is Sleep Tight, Every Night: Helping Toddlers and Preschoolers Sleep Well Without Tears, Tricks, or Tirades.

It’s natural for children to express fear about new experiences especially when the activity involves being away from home and family. Anxiety at summer camp, for instance, can keep your child from forming new friendships or participating in fun activities. If your child is anxiously anticipating any new experience, there are concrete ways you can help your child prepare and then cope once they are in the new situation.

Symptoms of anxiety:

If your child has just one or two symptoms or if the symptoms only pop up around new situations, a conversation and some help developing coping skills will probably suffice. Keep in mind, though, that continued persistent anxiety requires professional diagnosis and the help of an outside expert. Symptoms of anxiety include:

Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs (or is anticipated).

Persistent, excessive worry about losing major attachment figures (or something harmful happening to them).

Persistent and excessive worry that something traumatic will lead to separation from a major attachment figure (e.g., being kidnapped).

Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or other places because of fear of separation.

Persistent or excessive fear or reluctance to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or in other settings.

Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure (or to sleep away from home).

Repeated nightmares involving separation.

Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (e.g. headaches, stomachaches, vomiting) when separated from major attachment figures (or separation is anticipated).

Ten tips for parents on helping an anxious child (modified from Childmind.org)

The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety, but to help a child manage it. None of us wants to see our child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn’t to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It’s to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function even when they’re anxious. As a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease or fall away over time.

Don’t avoid things just because they make a child anxious. Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. Parents swooping in to remove a child from a scary situation reinforces that there is something to fear and the child can quickly learn to use avoidance as a coping mechanism.

Express positive—but realistic—expectations. You can’t promise a child that her fears are unrealistic—that she’ll have fun every day of summer camp, for instance. But you can express confidence that she’s going to be okay, she will be able to manage it, and that, as she faces her fears, the anxiety level will drop over time.

Respect your child’s feelings, but don’t empower them. It’s important to understand that validation doesn’t always mean agreement. If a child is terrified of going to the doctor because she’s due for a shot, you don’t want to belittle her fears, but you also don’t want to amplify them. The message you want to send is, “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, and I’m here, and I’m going to help you get through this.”

Don’t ask leading questions. Encourage your child to talk about her feelings, but try not to ask leading questions like “Are you anxious about the big test?” To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: “How do you feel about the science fair?”

Don’t reinforce the child’s fears. What you don’t want to do is be saying, with your tone of voice or body language: “Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of.” Let’s say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time she’s around a dog, you might be anxious about how she will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that she should be worried.

Encourage the child to tolerate her anxiety. Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety to do what she wants or needs to do. It’s encouraging her to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the “habituation curve”—it will drop over time as she continues to have contact with the stressor.

Try to keep the anticipatory period short. When we’re afraid of something, the hardest time is before we do it. So another rule of thumb for parents is to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. Try to shorten that period to a minimum.

Think things through with the child. Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a child’s fear came true—how would she handle it? A child who’s anxious about separating from her parents might worry about what would happen if they didn’t come to pick her up. So we talk about that. If your mom doesn’t come at the end of soccer practice, what would you do? “Well, I would tell the coach my mom’s not here.” And what do you think the coach would do? “He would call my mom. Or he would wait with me.” For some kids, having a plan is a healthy way to reduce the uncertainty.

Try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety. There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Don’t pretend that you don’t have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear or see you managing it calmly and then feeling positive about getting through it.

Dr. Kathryn Keithly is a Licensed Educational Psychologist, Board Certified Sport Psychologist, and Cognitive Learning Specialist in Aptos. Carol Murphy, MA, CCC-SLP is a Licensed Speech-Language Pathologist, Board Certified Educational Therapist and Learning Disability Specialist. Check www.kmkpsych.com for additional information or call 831-234-4182.

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