Bar mitzvah Archives - Monterey Bay Parent

By the time your child reaches their teen years, you’ve most likely planned and hosted multiple birthday parties for them. But a milestone celebration like a quinceañera, bar/bat mitzvah, or confirmation is on an entirely different level. It’s most likely going to be the largest–and most expensive–party to date. Figuring out the best way to attack a large celebration is an intimidating prospect for anyone.

If you have a milestone celebration on your 2023 calendar, here are some general tips for getting a good start on the planning process.

1. Who Are You Celebrating? With any special occasion, it’s easy to go too far. The challenges of adolescence can make it tricky to plan an event that is a good fit for everyone. But in the case of a milestone, it’s especially easy to let the light of parental pride turn into a heat lamp.

As you begin planning your event, it’s worth reminding yourself that it will probably be a bit stressful for all parties. Some kids enjoy being the center of attention, while others prefer to melt into the background of every event. Approach things accordingly. Depending on the nature of the celebration, involve your child in as much planning as possible. Having an element of control is comforting. Plus, most milestone ceremonies refer to increased growth and responsibility, right? So, make them responsible by including them in planning.

Keep in mind that it’s a celebration. While certain cultural traditions call for certain scenarios, a celebration that turns into a chore isn’t bound to be much fun.

2. Start & Stick to a Budget. Establishing a firm, realistic budget is the first step to any event. No one builds a house by starting with window curtains and lampshades. Everyone’s budget is different, but the point of the process should be to narrow down the most important aspects of the celebration and lay out the rest of the event plan. Knowing you have X dollars to spend will drive the decision-making.

The important thing is to decide on—and hold firm to—the amount of money you are willing to spend. For example, if you want to invite a lot of people but don’t have unlimited resources, you may consider having the party at a public park instead of renting a venue. This will streamline the rest of the decision-making.

3. Generate a Guest List–with your child. This is an area that many parents want to hold onto with an iron fist for fear of insulting a distant relative or business associate. While etiquette and family are something to be considered, equal attention should be given to the people that your child wants to have present. Remember, if the celebration is about your child, choosing people who have been significant in their lives is important. That doesn’t mean you need to invite the entire soccer team, but it also doesn’t mean you should invite Vinnie from your cousin’s first marriage.

Depending on the event and level of tradition, the question of family-only vs. friends can take time to navigate. Many families tend to make milestone celebrations restricted to blood relatives only, hoping to avoid the issue of junior spending all their time with their friends. That point is valid. But the question remains: if the goal is to celebrate coming-of-age and responsibility, it’s worth considering including the people who are peers, not just elders.

4. Neutral Colors. In researching this article, this is one of the few tips I heard from multiple sources. Attention-grabbing decoration schemes usually end up grabbing said attention for all the wrong reasons. Simply put, they often don’t work. The best advice event planners gave me was this: leave extensive decorating to the professionals.

If you want to include more elaborate flowers, table centerpieces, etc., a good rule is to take what seems appealing color-wise and then reduce the saturation by a few shades. Understated tones keep background decorations where they should be: in the background.

5. To Theme or Not to Theme. Themes have popped up in more traditional celebrations to make them more modern. Of course, themes are common in casual ceremonies, such as annual birthdays and weddings. Applying these concepts to milestone celebrations can work but are usually best done in the same understated manner as color. Discretion is often the better part of valor.

6. Consider Help. There’s a reason event planning is a thriving career: it’s not easy. If you have the means, consider hiring a partial or complete event planner to help you navigate some of the trickier aspects of the endeavor, such as venue selection, food, and other sticky details. Yes, it will cost more. But so will last-minute changes when you realize you underestimated the size of the buffet.

While there is something to be said about having too many cooks in the kitchen, different perspectives can help with keeping your focus on the right track. In the excitement of a celebration, it’s easy to get carried away trying to make everything perfect. It won’t be. But it will be fun! And that’s the point, isn’t it?

Originally from New England, Matt Desenberg is a writer living in Monterey.

If you or your child is invited to a bar or bat mitzvah, you may be wondering what it’s all about. Here are the basics to help you participate in this special event.

Becoming a bar, bat, or “b” mitzvah is one of the most exciting times in a Jewish teen’s life. To the teen, it means, “I’m an adult!” While that’s true, there are parameters around the scope of this new status.

The word bar is Aramaic and means son. Bat (pronounced “baht”) is a Hebrew word that means daughter. In recent years, non-binary individuals have adopted “b” in front of the word mitzvah (pronounced “meets-vah”). Mitzvah means “commandment,” yet it is commonly considered “a good deed.” Bar and bat mitzvah means “son and daughter of the commandment.” They also name this Jewish lifecycle event and ceremony.

The bar, bat, or b mitzvah milestone marks when a Jewish teen, typically at age 13, transitions from childhood to adulthood, but Jewish people at any age can study for this rite of passage—once achieved, in addition to being obligated to observe the commandments, a bar, bat, or b mitzvah can participate in certain rituals.

Preparation

Becoming an adult in the Jewish tradition is demonstrated by taking on more responsibilities—at home and within the Jewish and greater communities—and taking responsibility for one’s actions. This begins with one’s preparation for their ceremony in which they will lead their congregation in a Sabbath morning service and read a specific weekly section from the Torah, called a Torah portion.

The word Torah can mean different things in different contexts. It is a handwritten scroll without vowels by a specially trained scribe who uses a quill pen to write on parchment, which is fastened between two wooden rollers. One of the meanings of the Hebrew word Torah is “instruction or direction.” Narrowly, Torah refers to the Five Books of Moses and, broadly, to the entire body of Jewish teaching.

To prepare, a child begins learning prayerbook Hebrew about four years in advance with weekly lessons at their temple or synagogue. Studies start with learning the aleph-bet, or Hebrew alphabet, and the symbols that indicate the vowels. Gradually, students learn to read and sing many of the prayers found in the Sabbath prayerbook.

In their last year of studies, students learn to read and chant from the Torah. Chanting is complex and challenging, and training is done with an individual who has studied Hebrew for many years, is skilled in chanting Torah, and knows how to teach the melodies indicated by trope or notation marks among the letters in the Torah.

Making a Difference

Jewish tradition teaches that Jews must take an active role in tikkun olam (pronounced “tee-kuhn o-lahm”), repairing the world. Similar to a capstone project but on a much smaller scale, in some congregations, a child chooses a “mitzvah project.” A child demonstrates their commitment to living as a Jewish adult by helping those less fortunate. This connects their Jewish learning and values to actions that make a difference in others’ lives.

Projects stem from the child’s desire to make a difference for others and are aligned with a Jewish value such as feeding those who are hungry, caring for those who are ill, acts of loving kindness, making peace in the home, caring for the Earth, and saving a life. Students research a need in their community, plan, gather donations and recruit volunteers, and follow through to facilitate changing a life or the environment in some meaningful way.

A child’s diligent efforts to become a bar, bat, or b mitzvah through study, learning, and putting into practice their Jewish values earn them the rights, privileges, and responsibilities of a Jewish adult. This is something to celebrate!

WENDY J. ROSENTHAL is a writer, credentialed educator and tutor, and solopreneur of a boutique marketing company. She is certified in Youth Mental Health First Aid and is the parent of two teen boys. She and her children reside in Salinas.

Celebrating Teen Milestones

Bar and Bat Mitzvah 101