If I follow the media images, on Father’s Day, as a father, I am supposed to lie in a hammock, take a break from mowing the lawn, play golf, watch sports on television all day, open a tie as a gift, and take a nap. It is unlikely any of those will occur (although the nap does sound appealing). The media portrayal of what fathers do in their families has become fathers who can’t make a meal, can’t handle caring for their children (let alone change a diaper), hide in the garage, and have no clue of how to shop for their children among other inaccurate representations of what fathers do.
The reality is that fathers engage in family and household duties successfully every day. The challenge has been that parenting is often seen as–what I have learned is called–“matricentric,” centered on mothers. Parenting is a partnership, not just about what mothers do or what fathers do through mothers as filters. Fathers have an impact on their children through their fathering. For kids, the benefits of father involvement are tremendous. With involved dads, kids achieve more in school, have better social relationships, and are less likely to engage in aggressive and delinquent behaviors. Father-absence has the opposite effects of putting kids at risk for aggression, lower academic achievement, and weaker social skills. Even when fathers are non-residential (like when Dad does not have full custody of children or military dads on deployment) and have warm, interactive relationships with their children, they still foster positive outcomes their children. Fathers are vital pieces to the parenting puzzle.
Those dads who disengage from their families, relegate themselves to just “baby daddies,” or become deadbeat dads do the rest of us a disservice and present a poor image of fatherhood. Those bad dads should not be representative of the rest of us who are full partners in parenting and work hard to raise good kids.
Nowadays, fathers are spending more time with their children than in the past. Current studies indicate that fathers are spending more time with their children by bringing them into their leisure activities. This means that fathers are spending more of their non-work time in activities that include children. Fatherhood is also changing identities more for men than in the past. Current approaches to involved parenting are having men view fatherhood as central to their perceptions of themselves. Men are becoming first-time fathers at older ages. The current average age of first-time fathers is 31 years old in the U.S., which means fathers are bringing more life experience to their fathering. All this adds up to fathers being more involved, more connected, and better parents.
There should be more recognition of positive examples of fathers. I have a friend who recently posted on his social media account that he was in Victoria’s Secret shopping for underwear with his young, teenage daughter. After teasing him about finding panties in his size, I complimented him on his excellent fathering. For the daughter, I imagine, despite the typical teen embarrassment and eye rolls, that she recognized that her father was fully present in all aspects of her life and accepting the totality of who she is. Many people yearn for that level of support that my friend provided, just by being a good dad. Many of you may have seen the social media image of an attentive father in the bathroom, shirtless, holding an infant in a carrier and braiding his preschool-aged daughter’s hair. Or, perhaps, you see those fathers working hard in the fields to provide for their families here. I also recognize the great sacrifices that dads in the military and those who are first responders make by putting duty to community and country ahead of their families. These are the images and actions of fathers that merit attention and appreciation.
As one of those involved dads, I see your stares when you see me disciplining my daughter or her crying after being reprimanded for poor behavior. I hope those stares become a learning experience, because, yup, that is what I do as part of being a good dad.
For this Father’s Day, don’t fret over gifts or special meals. Just acknowledge the good acts that the dads in your life do every day. Also, pledge to offer a compliment or encouragement to fathers you see in the community doing good things for their children and families. Dads fathering well need to be recognized by us all. This Father’s Day I won’t be lying in a hammock alone–I’ll be with my family.
Happy Father’s Day!
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.
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