Developing Your Identity as a Father

When I read comic books, it seemed silly that people couldn’t tell that Clark Kent is Superman, Peter Parker is Spiderman, and Bruce Wayne is Batman.  Only the people close to them knew their true identities, but who were they–the superhero who appeared occasionally or the day-to-day person?  In the real world, it is much harder to separate your identities.  As we become fathers, we have to re-frame how we see ourselves. Unlike mothers, who have nine months of physical growth inside them and the social attention of pregnancy to develop their sense of motherhood, fathers have less of a build-up towards becoming a father.  In some ways, for dads, I think fatherhood is a bit abstract until the baby arrives.  Experts have found that once men become fathers, they make significant life changes in their relationships with their partners, their families, in their leisure activities, their work-life, and interests, and values.  These shifts result in the development of a father identity.  There is a direct line between developing a father identity and father involvement. The more a man sees himself as a “dad,” the more likely he is to be involved with his children.  Recently, a friend who was potentially separating from his wife said that he was having a hard time because his identity was so wrapped in being a father and husband.  He couldn’t see himself differently from being in those roles.  His statement made me think about how much being a father shapes who we are and how we view ourselves.

I know that for many young fathers, becoming a father made them grow up–they had to mature quickly, given their responsibilities in raising children.  I came to being a father later in life.  So, much of my identity was formed and was then re-negotiated with the responsibilities and joys of fatherhood.  This is an ongoing challenge.  Research supports the idea that people begin exploring their identities as teens and then consolidate them in their 20s to create a feeling of who they are that remains pretty consistent.  Identities continue to evolve based on life experience, but the idea is that the person who you are stays the same after young adulthood.  When I am around younger dads, I often think about what their experience is like fusing who you are as an individual and your role as a dad.  The negotiation of who you are might be easier when you’re young because the person who you are is less settled.  There is the opportunity to fold in the experience of fatherhood into the person you are (and to make you a better version of yourself).  At the same time, it might also be easier as an older dad because parenthood might be more deliberate, and, perhaps, an older dad is more mindful of the necessary changes that take place. There is little doubt that these shifts in identity occur and then influence the fathering behavior that takes place.

For fathers, few outlets help dads learn to become dads.  Studies on dads have found that father identity is “somewhat discretionary” and that the role of being a dad is less defined.  Nonetheless, according to a 2015 study from the Pew Research Center, fathers said parenthood was extremely important to their identity at the same rate as did mothers.  So, the notion that men see themselves separately from their roles as fathers is false.  Once men become fathers, that role becomes part of who we are (tights and capes are optional).

Once you become a dad, you gain the power to shape a kid’s life.  And, to quote the Spiderman movie, “with great power comes great responsibility.”  I remain optimistic that today there are fewer pressures on dads to keep identities separate.  You can keep your superhero identity as a dad and save the world every day, for your kids.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.