On 9/11/2001, I was driving to work when a radio report announced that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center’s twin towers. It sounded like a terribly unfortunate accident. But when I arrived at work and a co-worker told us that a second plane had crashed into the other tower, we knew it was no accident. The news was especially gut-wrenching because I was three months pregnant.
I remember telling another co-worker how unsettled I was about the idea of bringing a child into a world where something as tragic and evil as 9/11 could occur. She reassured me that it was going to be OK by reminding me that she’d been pregnant during another time of national angst: the Vietnam War.
And while my now 18-year-old son prepares to enter a new chapter in his life as a high school graduate during a pandemic, I’m reminded that somewhere, there’s a pregnant or new mom who might be having the same worries I did during yet another troubling and uncertain time.
What protects us from believing the world is a dangerous place to live when hard times strike? Resilience. And it’s something our current high school graduates have had lots of opportunity to practicing, going back as far as the womb. As they transition to adulthood, you can help them gain the skills they’ll need to flourish as adults.
Fortunately, resilience is a set of skills we can be taught, says Lacie Kettelhut, trauma informed community coordinator for Gundersen Health System, who identified trauma informed care as a Population Health strategic priority in 2019. These seven valuable insights gleaned from her expertise and that of others provide clear advice in uncertain times for our newest batch of high school graduates.
1. Find healthy and supportive relationships.
YOU can be the healthy and supportive relationship for your graduate. Carolyn Colleen Bostrack, author of “F.I.E.R.C.E.: Transforming Your Life in the Face of Adversity 5 Minutes at a Time,” says that if you’re in need of your own relationship and struggling to find it, it’s OK to pick anyone positive. For instance, Oprah is one of hers. On days she struggles, she asks herself what would Oprah do. Encourage graduates to identify positive role models to emulate in your physical absence.
2. Take care of yourself.
In order to be strong for others, you must first be strong for yourself. Teach your graduates to speak to themselves as they would a dear friend. Forgive others and let go. Ensure they place value on adequate sleep, good nutrition, and reliable daily routines. Live intentionally. Even using Sunday afternoons to set intentions for the coming week, however small, can help prioritize our efforts and find more meaning in life, Bostrack says.
3. Know where to find support when you need it.
Where can you find support at all levels of your life, whether it’s a therapist or a friend who’s a good listener? What resources could your graduate turn to based on life needs, such as community programs to assist them financially, or to end an addiction or abusive relationship? Who are the 5 most important people in their life? This might be friends or family, fellow church members, or co-workers. Bostrack says she found solace in like-minded people she met in online groups and through conferences when she was lacking such people in her immediate life.
4. Reframe, change the narrative, and keep a long-term view.
Our thoughts frame our mindset. Speak kindly to yourself and help your graduate do the same. For example, a graduate who is struggling with friendships might need to be reminded that some of us take longer to find our tribe, and that you know they’re lovable enough that they will eventually. Or when Kettelhut’s daughter’s perfectionism has her focused on the two wrong on a quiz with 25 questions, she’ll counter that with, “So if you got two wrong, how many does that mean you got right?”
5. Face your fears and adversity, five minutes at a time.
Carolyn offers a technique known as the BFF in her book. The idea? You can do anything for five minutes.
B = Take a deep Breath.
F = Focus on the present.
F = Take Fierce action. (You’ll have to read the book, available at CarolynColleen.com, for details on Fierce actions.)
6. Be aware of your past and your triggers.
While we can’t use our past as an excuse for our behavior or a predictor of our future, we can use it as a learning opportunity to do better. Awareness of how our own behavior contributes to our struggles is a critical step toward resilience. What patterns do you or your graduate recognize in their life? These are hard questions that may require the expertise of a therapist.
7. Find meaning and celebrate success.
To help graduates gain resilience, ask them the “why” about what gives them meaning; it’s not so much what you do but why you want to do it.
When your graduate finds a driving force, how to gain it becomes clearer. For instance, Carolyn says she wanted to be Whitney Houston growing up, and she realized it was because she wanted to have the same impact on others that Whitney’s music had on her. While she’s not a singing superstar, she has impacted the lives of others through her story of resilience. What gives you meaning gives you life, Carolyn says.
Encourage your graduate to set small goals and celebrate them. Something as small as making healthy eating and sleeping choices for one week can be cause to be energized.
Congratulations! You’ve parented your child full circle from 9/11 to COVID-19. You both deserve to celebrate that success. And if there is anything history has taught us, it’s that life will surely continue to offer us lessons in resilience as parents and graduates, and we’ll continue to learn and grow in resilience because of them.
Lissa Carlson is the publisher of a parenting magazine in Wisconsin and the mother of two boys, ages 15 and 18.