Spring is here and so is the school spelling bee. My daughter practiced her words over and over again for the school spelling bee. Round one was a written test, and she said that she was really nervous. She started doom spiraling by saying that she’s not going to pass and that she will be the worst one. I helped her reframe her nervousness as “excitement” to quell her anxiety. My wife and I told her about our own lackluster experiences in spelling bees and how spelling bees are personal challenges that require effort and study. And we told her that she did not have much to lose if she didn’t advance. The weekend after, she had a gymnastics exhibition, judged by the coaches and the advanced kids, so the stakes were relatively low. Again, she described feeling nervous and thinking that she would be the worst one, that she would fall off the beam, and that she would mess up. Again, we told her to say to herself that she was excited and to convert her energy into her performance in the events, trying her best and having fun. I reminded her to visualize herself doing the routines in her mind to feel confident that she knew what she was doing.

The nervousness of kids in performing in competitive school tasks, on the stage, in the gym, on the field, or on the court is a common experience. Early in childhood, they develop the ability to think about other peoples’ perspectives. That is, they become aware that other people may have inner thoughts that are not evident on their faces. Once this happens, kids develop self-reflective feelings, like embarrassment and shame. In addition, kids’ personalities emerge, with some kids being bold and others being more cautious. Given that childhood is filled with times in which the spotlight is on kids doing something publicly in front of an audience, all kids have to grapple with that nervous–anxious feeling, and there are ways parents can help kids navigate these situations.

First, keep in mind that a little bit of anxiety when faced with a demanding task actually boosts performance (you can say this to kids). It is only when that anxiety becomes too high and unmanageable that performance suffers. So, the notion of embracing the energy and excitement of being on stage can yield better results. Experts also advise acknowledging the anxiety and emphathizing with the situation by normalizing the nervousness and spelling out the real (not imagined) consequences like there is little to lose.

Parents can also help their children learn to relax before a challenging task or game. When kids (and adults too) get emotionally anxious, often, breathing accelerates and becomes shallow, heightening the feedback loop between not breathing fully and the tight, anxious feelings. Reminding kids to take a deep breath through their noses and slowly letting it out through their mouths a few times in a row can calm the runaway thoughts and feelings. One technique I found that I like is to have kids make themselves into uncooked spaghetti, making their bodies stiff, clenched, and tall and then have them become loose, wiggly noodles. A few rounds of pasta-making can relax and refocus their minds.

Another piece of advice is to have your child adopt a mantra to use in challenging, anxiety-provoking tasks.  My daughter has often used the motto she learned from an excellent children’s theatre program (available in Salinas and advertised in Monterey Bay Parent) of “I can do hard things.” We have also invoked the motto to help her through those tasks she perceives as overly challenging. She wrote this down on a chalkboard next to her desk while studying her spelling bee words.

Many children’s baseball teams now have specialized music that gets played for the players when they go up to bat. It may seem funny to play ominous music, but research shows that playing some sort of hype music before a competition can help focus athletes’ performance. So, it could be a ritual to play a song your child likes and sing along to get ready for some action on the field, on the court, in the gym, or in the pool. At the same time, the advice I gave of visualizing the performance would be supported by my sport psychologist friends. There is evidence that visualizing movements over and over again can help master moves, extending physical practice.

Lastly, as a parent, it is important to not convey your anxiety about your child’s performance. Kids pick up on their parents’ feelings when anxiety may be simmering. Parents should avoid phrases like, “I’m so nervous for you” or “This is your big performance (or game).” Similarly, parents should avoid dismissing their child’s anxious feelings with a “You’ll be fine” or “Everybody gets nervous.” On the inside, parents can think or feel whatever anxiety they want, but to the child under performance pressure, messages of acknowledging nervousness, tips on relaxing, and conveyance of support are more effective.

Ultimately, my daughter made it to the next round of the spelling bee (and the next!), and her performance at the gymnastic exhibition was celebrated. Inevitably, there will be more performances, more competitions, and more time in front of an audience—but I am hoping to give her enough tools so that she can enjoy the experiences and grow from them.

ROBERT (ROB) S. WEISSKIRCH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.