Mothers are the original multitaskers—for example, answering questions, wiping chins, preparing food, and keeping the household organized among the other myriad tasks that mothers handle with strength and resilience. Nowadays, being a parent comes with a lot of stressors from others’ judging looks and the pressures of comparisons from social media. But, the worst targets are mothers. Mothers are judged all the time for their kids’ behavior, the achievements of their children, the cleanliness of the household, and even their appearance in ways that fathers are never judged to the same degree (or, maybe, at all). Now, I like to think I’m a bit more egalitarian with my wife in raising our daughter but know that the praise heard that I’m an involved father doesn’t get applied to my wife as an involved mother. The expectation is that mothers handle it all. Like most mothers, she does more than her share of the caretaking and other household responsibilities. And, like most fathers, I let it happen. Research has consistently found that, even when men say they do half of the household chores, women still do more, including a disproportionate amount of time caring for children. I am aware that I benefit from the fact that the middle-of-the-night nightmares result in a call for Mommy.
As a father on Mother’s Day, my job is to ensure that I acknowledge all that my wife does as a person and, particularly, as a mother. I also make sure that my daughter does something to recognize her mother. None of these activities have to be extravagant. I ensure our little one makes some sort of card, and we often conspire together on purchasing a gift. However, because my daughter cannot keep a secret, I have to wait until the last minute for any purchase to provide some element of the ceremony of gift giving and specialness needed for Mother’s Day. I also try to insert other “gifts” in the day to recognize her dedication to raising our daughter and taking care of all of us. Sometimes, it is cooking a special breakfast, going out to breakfast, managing meals later in the day, or being in charge of shuttling our kid to activities already scheduled. Another gift can be just time alone or the ability to shop or cook alone, uninterrupted. Sometimes, it is making the little decisions, so she doesn’t have to. Given that her attention is regularly pulled towards my daughter or other tasks, having time where her attention is only controlled by her can be the best gift of all.
The irony of today’s Mother’s Day is how different Mother’s Day has become from its origins. Mother’s Day began as mothers’ work days in 1858 when Anna Reeves Jarvis organized others to improve sanitation in rural West Virginia. During the Civil War, she worked to organize care for wounded on both sides of the war, and after the war, she brought together former enemy soldiers to discuss peace. In 1872, Julia Ward Howe, writer of “Battle Hymn of the Republic” created Mothers’ Day of Peace, advocating peaceful actions with other mothers. At the time, mothers were seen as having a moral authority, mobilized public protest and lobbying, and were able to advocate for temperance, anti-slavery, consumer protection, working conditions, and social welfare (and were heard). Anna Reeves Jarvis’s daughter, also named Anna, lobbied Congress to set aside a day to honor mothers in contrast to all the days honoring men. In 1914, Congress set aside the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. The attention of mothers towards social justice issues around this day was eroded by marketers and anti-reformers pushing mothers’ roles as regulators of their households only and leaving societal ills to be addressed by politicians (i.e., men). Furthermore, Anna Jarvis became outraged at the commercial exploitation of Mother’s Day and tried to reverse the holiday up until she passed away. Nonetheless, I would not suggest the focus of the holiday be neglected.
I should also mention attending to one’s own mother. When I worked as a therapist and had young people come in to discuss their relationship troubles, I would often ask how the romantic partner treats his or her mother. There is some support that the way one treats his or her mother is the way one will treat his or her romantic partner. So, if a romantic partner is dismissive, derisive, and belittling of his or her mother, then one can expect the same. If someone is respectful, communicative, and open, then one can expect the same in return in the romantic relationship. Now, I know that mother-child relationships are complicated and can accrue a lot of baggage over time for adult children. For my daughter, though, she only knows the present and sees how I interact with, talk about, and treat my own mother. I am fortunate to have a relatively good relationship with my mother and always make sure that my daughter sees me acknowledge my mother on Mother’s Day as well.
I guess the bottom line is that Mother’s Day is about fathers being sure that mothers get recognition for their hard work, in the past, in the present, and in the future.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.
Rob wishes a very Happy Mother’s Day to his wife!
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