Valentine’s day has become more than just demonstrating your love, affection, and appreciation for your romantic partner. As a dad, I also acknowledge my love and appreciation for my daughter as one of my valentines.
I am not hesitant to demonstrate my physical affection to my daughter. I am usually up first on weekends, lounging on the couch reading on my phone. My daughter patters in and seeks cuddling. Departures from home and returns are punctuated with hugs and kisses. When we go places, hand holding is common. It is natural for us. So, I am confused that our culture has decided that it is somehow unmanly or suspect for dads to be affectionate with their children for unknown, foolish reasons. There is nothing wrong nor inappropriate with dads showing physical affection toward their children. We should be encouraging it.
Some may say that fathers and mothers approach parenting differently. Nonetheless, research studies have shown that, in particular, fathers express their affection for their children through indirect ways such as doing joint activities or providing practical support rather than direct verbal communication or physical affection. At the same time, I think there have been too many physical affection taboos and pressures that keep dads from fully engaging with their children.
Together, we can shatter these limitations. For February, I propose that fathers have daily verbal and physical expressions of love.
It is easy to get caught up in the grind of managing work and home life and forget about the simple acts of affection for your kids. Imagine how kids can grow by hearing an “I love you” and getting a hug, deliberately, at least once, every day.
Several research studies have found that children benefit from physical affection from fathers. Adolescents, in one large study, who reported growing up with having parents who gave frequent hugs, said “I love you often,” ate together regularly as a family, and reported parents who can be confided in were significantly less likely to engage in drug use, engage in risky sex, and have better academic performance. However, these benefits were only significant when fathers and mothers were involved in these behaviors.
There are some old, lingering ideas about how dads should show affection for boys differently from girls. Research has found that girls still report more verbal expressions of love from their fathers, whereas boys report more activities together as expressions of love. There is nothing inherently wrong with this pattern, but I can’t help but think how much girls’ and boys’ experiences could be enriched by getting both verbal expressions of love and time in activities together. I am pledging to up my game at both too.
I think times are changing. I asked one father of two kids, a boy and a girl, who admits that he is not as affectionate as his wife with the kids but is deliberately more affectionate than his parents were with him. I asked another father how he expressed love to his 11-year-old son, and he said he doesn’t hold back and hugs and kisses his son a lot. He further explained, “I remind him how much I care about him and praise and encourage him around his work.” Recently, I was at a used bookstore donating books and popped in to see if they had a book my daughter mentioned. They did not, but I found books that I thought she would enjoy. When I gave them to her, she was so excited to receive the books and read the summaries on the back. She also recognized that I was thinking of her and that I was tuned into her interests. Words of encouragement, praise, knowing your kids’ interests and recognizing those aspects that make each kid unique are all techniques for conveying love.
Kids who feel loved become confident individuals who know they matter in the world. So, this month, to make sure my daughter knows it and experiences a dad’s love, I pledge to tell her and show her every day. Dads, join me, and let’s all tell and show our kids how much they are loved.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.
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