Reflections from Dad 2.0

Every generation of parents tries to do a little better than the last, and dads are no exception. This month, as we celebrate Father’s Day, our longtime columnist shares a deeply personal reflection on losing his own father, the evolution of fatherhood, and what it means to be “Dad 2.0”—a version that aims to fix the bugs, upgrade the features, and build stronger connections. It’s also a goodbye, as he steps away from this column to honor his daughter’s growing need for privacy. 

This year, I celebrate Father’s Day without a father for the first time. The last time I saw my father was on Father’s Day last year. He had been in and out of the hospital for a variety of health issues and had not seen my daughter (his only granddaughter) in a long time. Our time there visiting in the hospital was pleasant enough, and he was happy to see us. My daughter brought gifts of drawings, and we bought flowers to brighten the room. When it was time to leave, we said our good-byes and left our well wishes for recovery.  

 I knew that there would be no funeral. My father had proudly declared several years ago that he was donating his body to science, a selfless act that was a bit out of character. Although my daughter had just seen him, they were not particularly close, and we answered her questions about death and dying. I shared memories from the past about him so that she could know parts of him that she did not get to know, and I reminded her that her abuelo lived a full life as an octogenarian. 

I had a complicated relationship with him. Now, on this Father’s Day, without anyone to call, I reflect on my own role as a dad. Like many dads, I want to be a different kind of dad than my own father was. I would like to think that my version of being a father is like Dad 2.0 (or more), fixing the bugs of the previous model and increasing the features.

I have had more opportunity to reflect on being a father in writing this column than most. However, my time sharing my experiences and reflections for Monterey Bay Parent readers has come to an end. My daughter has grown into tweenhood and has increased her censorship on what I can say publicly. There are fewer things I can discuss that won’t cause her to die of embarrassment (as I have been told). Because I would like to have her around for a while, I am stepping away from this column. The years of writing about a dad’s perspective in parenting have allowed me to share our (mis)adventures and a little of the research on child development. I am always amazed when people comment on something I have written and thank them for their kind words. Winning awards for Monterey Bay Parent magazine from the Parenting Media Association have been unanticipated surprises.

I hope readers have learned something or found encouragement through my writing. As I sign off, I want to leave fellow dads with a few final thoughts:

NEVER BE AFRAID TO SHOW AFFECTION

Hugs and kisses are always good parenting. There is nothing more masculine than showing care for your children. Period.

• SHARE WHO YOU ARE Tell your kids what you like, what you don’t like, what brings you joy. Share your adventures—when you were foolish and when you were the hero. Let them know why you work hard and what it means to come home. Let them in.
• MODEL OPTIMISM AND A GROWTH MINDSET Kids learn resilience from seeing it. If they see you work hard to master something, they’ll learn not to give up. Raise children who believe they can improve their lives and make a difference for others.
• BE A PARENTING PARTNER Parenting is a shared responsibility. It can be easy to step back and let your spouse take the lead, but that’s not full fatherhood. Talk with your partner. Be part of the schedule, the school conversations, the grocery list, and bedtime routines. Your involvement matters.
• HAVE FUN Kids give you permission to be silly. Relish playgrounds, beaches, and amusement parks through their eyes. Ride bikes, jump on trampolines, play video games—not just for yourself, but with them. Their joy becomes yours.

Ultimately, our success as fathers lies in the people our children become. Even though I set out to parent differently than my own father did, I have to acknowledge that he helped shape who I am today—and for that, I’m grateful.

To all the dads out there doing the best they can to raise kind, strong, and resilient kids: Happy Father’s Day.