For many people, the holiday season is synonymous with traditions, decorations, and the anticipation of gifts given and received. A month filled with special meals, time with family, visits with Santa, and the lighting of menorahs.
The gifts to be given and received can be a tricky one to navigate. Over the last few years, the word entitled has popped up frequently, especially related to children. With the holidays coming up, many parents may be wracking their brains to find ways to share the “real reason for the season” in a hyper-consumer culture.
Here are a few approaches you might take to help your kids have an even-keeled holiday season—presents and all.
Selfishness is Normal
For children, holidays and birthdays are major chronological reference points. I remember visualizing the distance between everyday events and my birthday or Christmas as a kid. It’s just what children do.
Remember that this behavior is to be expected when your seven-year-old’s holiday wish list runs to seven pages. It’s natural. They’re excited. Roll with it. Selfishness is healthy—it’s how you manage it that matters.
Wish Lists And Gift Lists
A great way to reinforce the giving aspect of the season is to pair their wish list with a gift list. As your kids are scribbling away on their wish list, ask them if they have any good ideas for their sibling, parent, or cousin. Tell them you need their help. It will get them thinking about giving while they’re also thinking about getting.
One year when I was around eight, my dad pulled me aside to let me in on a special gift he had made for my sister. Could I help him? I’d never been so excited! Showing your children that giving can be almost as special as receiving may carry more weight than you’d expect.
Communicate the Meaning of a List
For whatever reason, sometimes a certain gift isn’t feasible. Explain that they should be coming up with ideas for things they might want rather than a checklist of things they expect.
This nuance can be hard to get across, especially with young ones. One of the best ways to tackle it is to take them on a shopping trip for someone else, such as a spouse or sibling. Bring the list along for that person and discuss why you are choosing one thing but leaving something else out. Make it a teachable moment.
If you know that an Xbox will not be under the tree, discretion might be the better part of valor. Be honest with them and try to soften the blow. Depending on the circumstances, this can be difficult. If you know it’s important to them and want to make it happen at some point, help them realize that a particular object isn’t happening right now but may later.
Set Limits and Stick to Them
Make sure you and your spouse/partner have a conversation early about what the season will look like. Do you want to de-emphasize presents? Volunteer this year? Come up with a plan, then tell it to your kids early on in the season before the present-fever sets in. Once you’re committed to the plan, stick with it.
Shop Early and Then Stop
The weeks of preparation leading up to a holiday can sometimes cause panic to set in. It may help to take care of things early. If the holidays grow bigger no matter what you do, it can help to address everything early. Yes, you might miss a sale or two. But knowing you’ve checked that box can make it easier to ignore impulse purchases and unnecessary buying. Make a plan, follow it, and stick to it as best you can.
Use The Rule of Four
Parents can get caught up in the holidays just as much as their kids. Seeing your child’s eyes light up is one of those things that just can’t be topped–until you go overboard a few too many times and realize that a precedent has been set and now your children are exhibiting those entitled behaviors you’ve been trying to avoid. Oops.
If you’re actively trying to buy fewer presents this year, the rule of four might be a helpful tool. Buy them something they want, something they need, something they wear, and something to read. Sticking to this cycle will provide them with well-rounded gifts while ticking one of the items on their wish list.
Give Time & Experiences
Think of something your child loves to do and make time to do it with them. Most importantly, make it tangible—this makes it more real and meaningful, especially for young ones. For example, a friend (whose son loves basketball) made a dozen coupons for his son to redeem for an afternoon of basketball-oriented fun together: one-on-one, going to a game, playing a basketball video game together, etc. Setting aside time to enjoy each other’s company reinforces the idea of the holidays in the first place.
Whatever tactics you use to handle gift-giving this holiday season, the most important thing is to reinforce your family’s values and instill a sense of gratitude for time together. Gifts are a lovely extra.
Originally from New England, Matt Desenberg is a writer living in Monterey.
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