Involvement is, as you might suspect–being there and interacting with your children. Research consistently supports the notion that children do best when fathers are involved in their lives. Involvement means sacrificing personal time and interests to engage and interact with your child. It also means leaving work behind to put the focus on the family. It is not always easy to set aside the stresses of the day to play with your child (and something that is not exciting for the adult), but that level of involvement can help kids develop. Kids who feel that their parents are interested in their world will feel like they matter and have a good sense of self-esteem. In addition, one-on-one time with each child in the family can be particularly important to create and maintain relationships with dad. Even checking the completed work sent home from school with your child helps convey your involvement.
Consistency is about how you behave and interact with your kids. Often, you might hear the adage, “kids are like sponges.” Well, when it comes to behavior, this is very true. Kids learn quite a bit of reacting to circumstances by seeing how their parents react. At the same time, kids benefit when dads act consistently and predictably. If you have a hard day at work and speak harshly at home, kids learn that poor coping method. This component includes apologizing when you do something wrong, demonstrating that mistakes are recoverable. Consistency also includes following through on discipline and promises. When kids learn the expectations for behavior from Dad and the standards are reinforced, then they can thrive within the boundaries provided. Kids learn to follow rules that have clear and regular consequences. At the same time, if you promise to do something, then do it. Dads model values of reliability and trust when they do as they said they would.
Awareness is knowing about your children. This aspect goes beyond just recognizing your kids–it is about knowing the kind of person they are. It is about knowing how to motivate them and what frustrates them. It knows how they interact with their social group. For dads, it is also essential to know what would be expected in terms of behavior and development for the age. It is easy to think that your child learns better when they break a rule as a dad. But, sometimes, it is exactly the rule-breaking that is typical of a kid developing a sense of power and autonomy. Right now, my daughter is going through a period of little lies. For example, I asked, “did you feed your fish?” She said, “Yes.” But, I could tell it was not the truth. When confronted, she says the truth, and, despite how annoyingly frustrating this is, I know this is part of her gaining her sense of autonomy. I have to breathe through it, knowing that she will grow out of it soon (I hope).
Nurturance is expressing your affection with your child physically and verbally. Give lots of hugs and kisses, pats on the back, and praise to help kids feel a sense of security and belonging in their relationship with you. No father should feel ashamed or silly by being affectionate with their child–male, female, young, old–doesn’t matter. If kids are embarrassed by displays of affection, they will have to live with the embarrassment.
It may be easy to set out personal goals to lose weight or exercise more in the new year, but it can be harder to improve your standing as a father. However, with a little effort and knowing the long-term payoff for both you and your child, I know you can.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.
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