Spring has arrived. The weather is warmer, and the flowers are blossoming. The birds and bees are out and in our house too. Yup, we are talking about babies and reproduction, and I am terrified.
Up to now, while my wife and I haven’t avoided the topic of sex and reproduction, we haven’t gotten down to the nitty-gritty details of what happens. We have pledged from the beginning to use correct terms for body parts (e.g., vulva) and not use euphemisms for basic anatomy. Our daughter has seen friends’ mothers’ bellies grow with pregnancy and then have babies appear, as well as plenty of vet and zoo shows showing all kinds of reproductive activities and births. But, she summarized human reproduction as “when men and women love each other they decide to have a baby.” For us, it was sufficient for her age.
However, after an incident in her Kindergarten class when she referenced sex as “laying side by side with someone,” her school counselor got involved. The counselor spoke to her and realized that she had pretty vague ideas. Then the school principal had a stern but supportive discussion with me. This incident began our discussions a few years ago.
Fast forward and now my daughter is asking specific questions about how exactly a baby gets in a woman’s tummy. My wife did some research to find a good book with age-appropriate pictures to support her learning. The two of them read through some chapters, having a lively discussion. I stayed out of it. I wasn’t getting the questions–my wife was. I realized that I was ducking my inclusion in the discussion. Even though I have lots of training and education around the topic, I felt a mix of embarrassment, anxiety, and awkwardness, facing my seven-year-old’s questions. I discovered that research supports my reaction–fathers’ reluctance and avoidance in discussing such topics.
I try to think of myself as an evolved dad and fully involved in my daughter’s life. However, this was one area that made me nervous. I am all in favor of having her celebrate her changing body and exploring her sexuality in the future when she is ready, but it’s all in the abstract. In my mind, I want her to stay a little girl and be free from the pressures of society on young girls. I know that the talk about the birds and bees is not finished and that it is an ongoing dialog that we will have to revisit (and I will have to enter fully). As puberty approaches, we will have more discussions of what changes are imminent for her and how other people often respond. Also, as research shows, when dads don’t involve them in sex education in the home, then children don’t reach out to them with questions about sex and other health concerns. As children become teens, if dads are not plugged into sex and health discussions, they also miss out on learning about different aspects of a teen’s life.
As my wife and daughter made their way through the book in the other room, my daughter was compelled to ask me questions. She asked, “Did you put your penis in Mommy’s vagina to have me?” And, I answered, “Yes.” Her response: “Gross.” I admit this brought me a little solace.
Since then, we have found her quietly thumbing through the book on her own and have asked her to go through it with us. Knowing that she would want to share her newfound knowledge with others, we also remind her that it is up to parents and teachers to talk to her friends about that stuff.
Currently, I’m working on my nervousness about discussing the topic. I don’t want to get shut out in the future when she has questions or wants to talk about what is happening with her relationships. Research supports that youth’s confidence about sexual issues is related to how “askable” they perceive their parents. I will do my best as a dad not to show my nervousness and be part of the difficult conversations.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.
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