When to Ask If It’s ADHD

Becoming a parent is such a strange and rewarding journey. There are some things that I feel prepared for and many other things that happen unexpectedly, and I often feel I am trying to stay afloat, figuring out the different challenges that keep arising. 

Coming from a family of five children, I often heard my parents say they learned how to become parents five times because we differed. I only really understood what they meant once I had my children. 

My firstborn was everything I expected parenting to be. She hit every milestone on time, experienced some sleep regression, did fine at daycare, and eventually, when she hit elementary school age, seemed to enjoy the school process and started to find activities she loved. 

When I had my second, I expected things to be the same. While that may seem naïve, there was nothing to indicate it would be different. My pregnancy was normal and healthy, similar to my first. While in the womb, my son moved around more than his sister, but nothing was unusual. When my second was born, I felt he completed our family in many ways.  

However, my second child presented new challenges and obstacles for which I was unprepared. While my first was a shy, structured, rule-following individual, my second was born to break the rules. 

Now, my son is a social butterfly, which he was even at 9 months old. He loved to grab attention, laugh, and have adventures. At ten months, he was walking, and shortly after, he was running. He liked to climb and move constantly. In my mind, he was a natural-born athlete. Like most boys, he loved dinosaurs, fire trucks, building, and breaking things. Nothing about him ever indicated his behavior was an issue. 

However, once he hit about two years old, his ability to test boundaries was challenged. My son had been in daycare at a young age since my husband and I both worked. He was familiar with the structured routine and many of his teachers. However, around two years old, he began to do things that were almost distracting. He would occasionally bite when frustrated or refuse to listen. Still, in all honesty, I never thought this was abnormal. Many of his peers did similar things occasionally. His energy levels were high, but it was normal and acceptable for a young boy. However, once he entered a structured pre-K classroom, challenges began. I remember dropping my son off at his school in Washington DC on the first day and how excited he seemed. He was outgoing and gave me a big hug goodbye. I remember feeling so excited that my youngest was on his way to becoming a big kid. His sister loved school. She began to shine once she hit pre-K, finding her friends, her voice, and a love of learning. I expected my son to be the same. 

However, when I picked him up after that first day, he looked so sad and heartbroken. I remember looking at his teacher, and right in front of him, she said, “He’s a difficult kid; he needs to act better.” The momma bear in me went into full protection mode, and before I could open my mouth, my husband, being the calm, collected one, nodded his head and let them know we could talk another time. 

I asked my son what happened when we got home. He said he had difficulty sitting, and all they did was sit on the carpet and learn. Because he couldn’t sit still, he wasn’t allowed to participate in the arts-and-crafts activities. He was upset that they wouldn’t let him have a popsicle with the other kids and that he could only go out to one recess. 

I remember calling the principal to set up a meeting to see what happened, from their perspective. The teacher complained that my son didn’t sit still; he often was a distraction, and she had other students to care for besides him who were willing to listen. We struggled with fighting for our son to be considered a valued school member, but he was often pushed to the side. 

When we had an opportunity to move back to the Monterey area, it was the change we needed for our family and my son. As a graduate of the area, I knew the reputation of most of the schools and hoped that a smaller town, smaller classroom setting, and more community support would be more beneficial—and in many ways, I was right.

My son’s initial start to his school year still had the same challenges. He didn’t want to follow the rules; he had difficulty sitting down, his energy was very high, and he often challenged authority. The difference this time was that I had a teacher who cared about him as a student and a person. She saw all the good things about him and shared ways to help him succeed instead of labeling him as a problematic and lousy kid. We received guidance and support in getting our son evaluated during this process. With support and guidance, my son was diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).  

When I first heard the diagnosis, I remember being in denial. I felt my son’s high energy was age appropriate. I had him evaluated and diagnosed three times before I was willing to accept his diagnosis fully. I could have continued to deny it, or I could have educated myself on ADHD to understand that my son had many of the symptoms. If I wanted to help my son, I needed to make sure what his needs were to support him better. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition. Often, children with ADHD have difficulty paying attention, being still, and controlling impulses, which can often cause issues in school or in social interactions. 

Since being diagnosed, it’s given me a path forward in understanding his mindset, but the last few years, it’s been a journey of trying to get his needs right. The thing with ADHD is there is not a one-size-fits-all in navigating how to cope with it. Most children diagnosed with ADHD are often brilliant, observant, and incredibly gifted. It’s a matter of honing in on what helps them navigate the day-to-day. For us, it’s still a journey. I have noticed that as he gets older, he is finding different ways of coping, including playing sports, which helps with energy, but also knowing how I react when he is having a moment. I have had to work closely with his school in navigating available resources to help him in the classroom setting, counseling him to manage his situational awareness when getting frustrated, or helping him when he is having a hard time paying attention, and we have even looked at medication to help with impulse control and concentration. 

I’ve talked to many other parents who did not get a diagnosis for their child until middle school or high school and wished they had paid attention to earlier signs. I’ve also talked to parents who coped with the diagnosis in their own way, avoiding medication and finding different outlets and coping mechanisms. 

It is a personal choice on how you cope with an ADHD diagnosis. It’s not the end of the world for a child to have ADHD. What I would say is that if your child is struggling and showing signs of ADHD, seek guidance, do your research, and find those willing to support you and your child in the process.