How do you do it? Long-distance relationships must be so challenging! How are they doing without their dad? I could never do what you do—that must be such a hard life!
These are some of the most common questions I get asked as a military spouse. Our lifestyle may seem a little complex for those who are not part of the military community. Military families go through many different obstacles and challenges during the duration of a military spouse’s career: relocating to a new home every one to three years, randomly lost household goods, moving in the middle of a school year, being away from family members during significant life events, and just the constant battle of trying to maintain a career while balancing a family home life. But for me personally, the hardest part of the military life is the long deployments or getting through the assignments unaccompanied
Throughout my marriage, my husband has had to go on deployments or long training assignments, often leaving me as the primary caregiver for our children.
When I met my husband, I made it very clear to him that I wanted to maintain my career and have a family. Although my husband and I agreed, the reality is that for us to meet the priorities of our careers, family, and personal goals, we are required to be apart at times. My husband’s career has often had to take him overseas, while my job has required that I stay state-side. Before having children, this wasn’t a big issue. We would see each other every few months, utilize modern-day technology, send care packages, and occupy ourselves with work and other social events. We kept ourselves so busy that the deployment often flew by. However, once we had kids, the dynamic and how we viewed long distances changed.
Being apart had an impact on our two little people, who could not quite comprehend why their dad’s job often had him away. I’ve watched my daughter cry when her dad has had to miss holidays, I’ve watched my son get frustrated because I don’t do something the way his dad does, and I’ve often cried because I feel the weight of the world as I try to keep the family dynamic stable while trying to excel in a career that may not always understand that I am the only one fulfilling the role of a caretaker. My husband’s biggest struggle has been missing the kids’ milestones. He missed our daughter’s first recital, her first wiggly tooth, and he wasn’t there on Christmas Day to watch my son ride his new bike.
During the first few months of my spouse’s absence, all I could think was that I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was going to break. Everything was overwhelming. I almost felt as though all the demands were swallowing me. I’m lucky enough to have friends in the area, my parents, and I know what resources to use for dog walkers or babysitters when I need a break.
With my battles and struggles from trying to get by, I wondered how other people manage deployment. Do they deal with the same struggles?
My curiosity led me to speak to various military spouses who shared their personal experiences of being separated from their families, particularly their children, due to their military obligations.
I had the privilege of speaking to Elyse Parrish, an Army spouse for the last 15 years. Elyse is a wife, mother, and career woman who has faced multiple challenges through various deployments. She has experienced not one but three Immediate Response Force (IRF) deployments in her current marriage. IRFs are when active duty members are called to report for deployment with a two-hour notice. Families are not given time to fully process that their spouse will be gone for months or possibly over a year. From Elyse’s perspective, those two hours can feel like a whirlwind. It’s terrifying not knowing where they are going and not knowing if communication will be available while they are gone. The instinct to be strong not only for your family but for other families is necessary.
During her family’s IRF in Fort Bragg, Elyse had the benefit of being a more experienced spouse who knew how to prepare for the IRF. She had learned from previous experience at a Soldier Family Readiness Group (SFRG) about the available resources and items she should always have prepared. However, Elyse quickly noticed that during her time in Fort Bragg, many new spouses had different experiences. Unfortunately, because of the structure of the deployment, many of the spouses did not know each other. There was not necessarily a dedicated senior spouse who could support the younger spouses. Still, because of Elyse’s experience, she was able to step in and help those she could.
When I asked Elyse what she would advise a new military spouse, she emphasized always having a deployment prepared. Essentially, the deployment book has all valid and vital documents that would be needed if a spouse was not there; for example, Power of Attorney Documents (POAs), an emergency contact list, and a ready list for childcare, dog care, medical information, etc., ensuring that all documents are valid and up to date. Elyse said having these items ready has made managing traditional deployments and IRFs much easier.
Another spouse, Khrystian Hembre, had a slightly different experience. Khrystian’s spouse is a Navy service member who had been accustomed to being on the ship for months. However, for Khrystian, the first complex deployment occurred when her husband was ordered to do an individual assignment (IA). Being on an IA, the service member is not tied to a unit or necessarily a group of people deploying, which means that Khrystian did not have a support group. In addition, her husband’s deployment came right after their daughter had just turned one; they were stationed in Norfolk, and she did not have friends or family nearby.
The isolation of the deployment took its toll on the day-to-day, and Khrystian chose to relocate near family while her husband was gone. The choice is a common one made by military families. When you do not have a support system to help with childcare or even simple support being away from your spouse, the easiest option is to go where family can help. When I asked Khrystian if she had any resources given to her, such as a mentor to check on her, she said not at that time. She believes having a sponsor for spouses going through deployment, especially an IA, would have been so important. Additionally, she remembered some of the resources, such as the military source. However, she was still new to military life at the time and it didn’t register to her to utilize them.
For most military families, the start and return from the deployment are usually the hardest. From my discussions with Elyse and Khrystian, I gained more insight into handling and preparing for a spouse returning from deployment. When Khrystian’s spouse returned from deployment, she said it was during Covid. She allowed her family to bond and establish their family routine. Her spouse got to spend more time at home since many offices were closed and remote work was implemented. She felt blessed to have that opportunity, given that many spouses did not.
Elyse has had her spouse return from deployments during Covid and pre/post-Covid. She said that from her experience, the success of an easy reunion is having great mentors and utilizing the reunion and re-deployment classes provided by the military. There are even classes to help kids with transitions and dealing with deployments. However, the availability of these classes should be more widely published.
The first two weeks of a service member returning home will be like a honeymoon; three to five months after they return is the most stressful. Elyse advises that if classes are not utilized, families should have a lot of grace and understanding that things take time. Military families should openly discuss their expectations before, during, and after a deployment. Upon returning from a deployment, it’s essential to openly communicate the family’s routine to the service member and avoid blindsiding the individual.
From my personal experience and discussions with Elyse and Khrystian, deployments are not easy, and while there are many resources, they are often not advertised.
Remember this: If you are a military spouse going through your first deployment or your tenth, you are not alone.
All military services can utilize https://www.militaryonesource.mil/. This organization has specific resources for deployments, parenting, and relationships. Topics on deployment include preparing for deployment, support during deployment, and how to handle those returning. There are also opportunities for individual counseling, family counseling, financial counseling, or emergency resources. There is somebody available to chat 24/7.
Additionally, depending on services, as discussed earlier in this article, the Soldier and Family Readiness Group (SFRG), the Military Welfare Readiness (MWR), or an equivalent provides mentorship and a community for spouses going through deployments, transitions, or anything else.
Each base will also have a Military Family Life Counselor (MFLC) assigned to it. MFLCs are licensed behavioral specialists who can assist with non-medical and solution-focused counseling. Their services can help spouses who need support or a listening ear and often have resources for those struggling to cope with single parenting.
These resources should be included in the deployment book or as a quick and ready reference in case of an IFR, an IA, or a traditional employment.
Remember, we (spouses) don’t need to be perfect. Will we still struggle? Absolutely!
From my own experiences, deployments are hard, but I have utilized these resources to support not only myself but also my children when they need help or are missing their dad. As much as we spouses feel we can handle the world, and often, we do, it’s always okay to need a little help.
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