Whether your child is returning to elementary school, moving to middle school, preparing for their high stakes junior year, or moving into college, this back-to-school season will be a period of growth and change. It is hard – sometimes painful – for us as parents to see our children head off to school scared, stressed, even discouraged. I know this, firsthand from the young people I work with at Ohana and those I’m working to raise. The trick is to help your child be prepared for the challenges – expected and unexpected – that they will face in the classroom, soccer pitch, cafeteria, or playground.
School has traditionally focused on teaching the 3 R’s: Reading, Writing and aRithmetic. At home, we can focus on three different R’s: exploRation, Routines and Relationships to help our children grow into healthy, resilient, and independent adults.
ExploRation
For many students, school may feel like a place that is primarily about performance. Without a doubt, children are expected to perform at school, but this performance should only be a part of learning and building skills. School (and youth in general) is a time for exploration more than performance.
Children should be engaging in cognitive, intellectual, social, and physical activities that stretch their skills. In doing so, they build new muscles and start to learn what they find interesting and where they may have talents. Real exploration takes effort, persistence, and patience. When we set a frame for children that emphasizes effort over outcome, the payoff is in what they learn, not how they did. Learning what they are capable of doing and what they enjoy – and the difference between the two – is a critical developmental step.
Routines: Being on a steep learning curve in multiple domains is engaging and exciting, but it’s also demanding both mentally and physically. Without strong habits for basic maintenance of their bodies and minds, they will quickly get exhausted. Having support and structure at home for these routines will help your children to internalize the healthy habits that can serve them (and us!) throughout life.
Sleep: Consistent, adequate, restful sleep is the backbone of physical and mental health. Getting to bed around the same time, with a consistent bedtime routine and waking up at around the same time each morning is very protective. Ensure there are no distractions in their bedrooms, such as computers or smartphones, so their sleep is uninterrupted.
Exercise: Helping your children to establish habits of daily exercise will improve their health, energy, sleep and protect against anxiety and depression. This exercise can be as simple as walking the dog (briskly!) or taking the stairs, but its benefits are multiplied if it happens outdoors or in the company of friends or family members.
Nutrition: Paying attention and remaining engaged in school requires fuel. Help your children make time for a high protein breakfast or find a portable version they can eat while walking to school. Similarly, having a nutritious dinner together as a family, even just three nights weekly, can help keep you connected while ensuring that they are getting the nourishment they need.
Relaxation
Relaxation is as critical for sustained effort as sleep and fuel. There’s no one size fits all approach; what matters is that you feel more calm, quiet, slowed down and centered afterwards. Help your child build their “playlist” of what is relaxing for them. Once they head off to college, they should know about five things that help them to unwind.
Relationships
Meaningful, nourishing social connections are as important as sleep, exercise, and nutrition for our physical and mental health. But these relationships don’t (usually) fall into our laps, outside of family. Nourishing relationships – those that leave us feeling better after each encounter, whether playful or serious – are as essential as sleep and exercise to health and well-being.
School is also where children can bring their exploration frame to meeting and learning about new people, about the give and take of deeper friendships and about what they value and need in their relationships. As they move into adolescence and young adulthood, intimate friendships, romance, and mentorship will be central to their emerging identity. Help them to be curious about what relationships are nourishing to them. Facing the disappointment of a friendship that was one-sided, their first breakup or supporting a good friend through a difficult time are critical opportunities to develop the social skills that will enable them to cultivate lasting meaningful friendships.
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