Military Mom: Think Twice Before Offering Advice

My son has always struggled with daytime napping and mostly prefers to sleep in my lap. Sweet, right? Yes, but with a new baby coming in a couple of months, it was time to officially give him his eviction notice from napping in my lap. After trying numerous methods, we ultimately decided to try sleep training. We put him in his crib for an afternoon nap and left the room. After an hour of crying, both him and me, I heard a knock on my door. It was a neighbor who decided to give me some unsolicited advice. She didn’t think that letting him cry like that was healthy.

I know her advice came from a place of wanting to help. But rather than feeling helped, I immediately felt defeated. Maybe I didn’t have this motherhood thing down. Maybe I was failing as a parent. A lot of emotions filled my head—anger, shame, frustration. But the one that stuck with me was self-doubt. All because of some advice.

Why is it so bad to give advice? After all, you’re just trying to provide the benefit of experience to a new mom or dad. Advice isn’t necessarily bad but consider what you may be taking away from the person you are trying to help. New parents work hard to build up their confidence. A simple comment can fill a parent’s head with that dreaded self-doubt. That is especially true when the parent isn’t asking for advice. Chances are they are struggling with something, which is why you want to offer advice in the first place. The key is to wait to be asked for your insight.

If a new parent asks for advice, feel free to give it. Make sure that it comes with some encouragement that they are doing a great job, whether they choose to follow your advice or try another approach. When you see a parent struggling, don’t immediately jump in with advice. If you want to help, simply ask how you can do so. If the parent declines, smile and let it go. Respect the boundaries that they set.

If you have been the recipient of unsolicited advice try to take it as it comes. It can be difficult to contain your frustration when people make comments about your parenting. If it does escape, don’t feel bad. Just try to stay calm and positive for you and your baby. That may mean sharing the rationale behind your decision, making some sort of polite, or simply exiting the conversation. You know your child and your family, which makes you the best person to decide what will work.

Katie Begley is a Navy veteran and military spouse. Katie is an advertising sales executive for Monterey Bay Parent Magazine. She is the mother of an 11-month old son.

Read more of Katie’s Military Mom articles: (click on the title to be taken to the article.)