I’ve been on a holiday hiatus for quite some time. For the first time in several years, I have busted out the ornaments and stockings and started decorating the yard and house. It wasn’t even a conscious choice; I just gave in to it. Once my youngest was an adult, and I didn’t feel the pressure to try to make every Christmas joyful, I gave in to the anxiety that a good old traditional Christmas season usually caused me. I decided my time and peace of mind were more important than decorating, making shopping lists, and putting myself in debt to give everyone a Christmas present. As my family grew, I struggled with where to end gift-giving for years. If I got something for my kids, I’d have to get something for their partners. If I got something for my sister, I’d need to include my nephew and brother-in-law. And then there are my parents. So, eventually, I just stopped. I got to the point where I only bought presents for my grandchildren. But this year feels different.
Christmas in my family was always an extravagant, joyful time, complete with Christmas light competitions and bragging rights to who could fit the biggest tree in their home. When my kids were young, I kept up all my family holiday traditions, including indulgent gift-giving. When I look back on the holidays we have celebrated, it still makes me happy. Memories of shopping with my mom or buying a giant tree with my dad and trying to figure out how to get it home. One year we had a 16-footer that hung out the back of the truck and over the top of the cab. I remember driving home with my dad, laughing about seeing the Christmas tree through the front windshield. Even as an adult, the Christmas season was magic.
But, right around 2010, several things happened: the economy was rough, money was tight, and my personal life wasn’t the greatest. I was just over all of it. I was over trying to make Christmas this huge blowout celebration. I was causing myself sleepless nights and anxiety trying to provide a perfect holiday I couldn’t afford. I felt like Cindy Lou Who, asking, “Isn’t this just a little superfluous?” Slowly over the next several years, I backed away from Christmas. I admit a part of me missed that thrill I got when I found the perfect gift. I remembered spending half the day goofing around with my family at the tree farm or the pride I felt when my house looked like a Christmas postcard. But, overall, it felt good to be free from the obligation of Christmas.
This year I’m feeling different. I’m not decorating because I feel like I need to or to make someone else happy. I’m decorating because I want to connect with those years before Christmas got stressful, before it felt like an obligation. These last couple of years have been a struggle. Stressors at work and home have been drowning me. I have lost myself in the previous few years. I’m not sure what made me decide that THIS is the Christmas I will become involved in the holidays again. But there it is. I’ve had my son helping me drag down the boxes marked “XMAS” in the garage. We’ve been going through them, reminiscing about decorations and where they came from. We’ve had some tearful moments as we held the ornaments I bought for my youngest child, who died before he could celebrate his first Christmas. It has all been very healing.
I don’t think I will ever go back to the excessive celebrating of years past but I think I’m settling somewhere in the middle. For now, for where I am in life, this feels right.
For those struggling with the responsibilities and burden the holidays can bring, I encourage you to take a step back. Maybe not completely back, or for several years, as I did. But put some thought into what is important to YOU. Perhaps a four-foot artificial tree is good enough, and you don’t have to spend $150 on that live 6-footer! Maybe your kids only need one great present this year rather than a dozen mediocre ones. Only you can decide what will work for you and yours. Try to simply enjoy each other–in the end, that is more important than decorations or presents.
TRICIA VLASAK is a mother and grandparent. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Gold Award for personal essay from Parenting Media Association in 2022.
Leave a Reply