An important parenting ritual is preparing children for returning to school. Back-to-school shopping reminds me of how many cool items have been developed for kids and tells me which characters are popular (I often have to ask who they are). These rituals should also accompany the mental shifts that need to take place. For many parents, summer was busy with childcare, camps, relatives, summer school, or trips–nonetheless, there is often lots of unstructured time. Now is the time to start preparing children for the mental shift to return to school. With my kid, I have been talking up what will happen once school starts–how the start time is earlier than her current summer camp, for instance. I am hoping this prep will lessen the morning struggle once school begins (Yes, I know I’m optimistic). Also, I have started talking to my daughter about how important the new teacher will be and how she or he will share all kinds of new information and skills, so her new teacher’s requests will need to be followed for success. By reinforcing the teacher’s authority, I am trying to remind my daughter to follow the teacher’s direction to get the pay off of learning activities.
When I drop off my daughter at her classroom, I almost always say the same things to her: Be a good listener; Be a good friend; Be kind; and Ask good questions. Given that she is young, I want to remind her of her parents’ expectations for her in addition to the standards of behavior in the classroom. Notice that I don’t say anything about learning. I know she will learn in the class from the lessons and her interactions with others. Now that my daughter is entering first grade, I need to add something like: Try your hardest. You see, there is some strong evidence that children’s motivation to learn and achievement is based on how they view their skills. If they do something and don’t do it well, they may believe that their abilities are fixed, then they develop a fixed mindset where they give up when challenged, only think they are good or bad at a task, and can’t change.
In contrast, when kids believe they can achieve and that their abilities are changeable, then they develop a growth mindset and are more motivated and tend to achieve more. This growth mindset is reinforced when the effort is praised and not just the achievement. Parents, teachers, and other child professionals contribute to a growth mindset when they support the effort and not just say, “Good job!” or “You’re so smart.” Instead, they can say, “You worked hard!” or “Your efforts are showing results!” With a growth mindset, kids view obstacles as challenges that can be surmounted with effort.
This focus on effort is particularly important for dads. When dads are involved in their children’s lives, the children tend to achieve more. So, I have tried to reinforce my daughter’s efforts more than just that she is good or bad at a task. I reinforce her by saying, “You tried hard” or “You’re trying to get better.” It sounds kind of contrived, and, admittedly, I’m not always consistent, but I do want my daughter to feel as though she can master any task with effort. And, I want her to persist when she is challenged. So, as we get closer to the beginning of school, I’m ramping up using these growth mindset phrases, so that she is reminded to try hard rather than give up when challenged. Entering school with a sense that working hard brings results is more likely to bring about success.
After school, I also fall in the trap of trying to learn what happened in her school day by asking the typical question, “how was school today?” The answer is almost always, “Fine,” “Great,” “The same,” and sometimes, “Boring.” A few years ago, I read a great article by a parent who gave alternate questions she and her husband ask their children about their school day that I think are brilliant. She asks:
- How were you brave today?
- How were you kind today?
- How did you fail today?
These questions are open-ended and require an elaborated response from tight-lipped or forgetful children. I have often added questions like “What happened today that was funny or silly?” “What happened today that was surprising?” With these questions, I like the recognition that learning requires risk-taking and that bravery can be physical but can also be mental. For example, you can communicate to kids that you can be intellectually brave by working on challenging tasks. The question about failing during the day incorporates the notion of a growth mindset in that failures become learning opportunities. Dads (and moms) should answer these questions too because children can learn how to cope with situations by seeing how their dads experience these situations also. So dads, continue to praise your kids’ efforts to achieve and let them know how you are brave every day.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.