With the cooler winds and pumpkin spice flavored everything, it’s time to think about Thanksgiving! For many, the goal of the holiday is eating. Instead, I propose that it is time to put the thanks back into Thanksgiving.
The origin of Thanksgiving dates to the 1600s when pilgrims invited the local Wampanoag Indians to share in a several days-long feast. The cooperation of the local Native Americans helped pilgrims survive in what was a difficult landscape for them to cultivate. As a gesture of thanks, they shared a feast. Later, in the 1800s, Sarah Josepha Hale, a prominent writer and editor (and composer of “Mary had a Little Lamb”), advocated in her writing and activism to have a day of thanks as a national holiday. President Abraham Lincoln, in 1863, during the Civil War, finally declared the fourth Thursday in November as a national day of thanks. I think the sentiment that, even during a war, we should pause and be thankful for what we have is a powerful notion.
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When juggling work and family life, it is easy to focus on the hardship, burden, and struggle and neglect gratitude for what you do have. Now is the time to give thanks!
However, the reality is that kids are not always grateful in their interactions with their parents. Many kids have learned manners and use “please” and “thank you”—some consistently and some less so. Kids often do not recognize the hard work parents put in to provide for the family and to keep the household running successfully. They may not notice the millions of other tasks we parents do to make their lives better than our own. For example, my daughter will eat four bites of a delicious, homecooked dinner and proclaim she is full, only to seek out snacks she finds more desirable twenty minutes later. She doesn’t appreciate the fact that her mother worked hard to prepare the meal and that we have food readily available to her. I know that her gratitude will come sometime towards adulthood (I hope). In the meantime, we are working on helping our kid look outside herself to think about others and to appreciate what she has.
As a dad, I am thankful for my wife, who shoulders more than her share in our family. Dads out there, take this opportunity to give thanks to those moms and others who support raising your children. For the mothers out there, take a minute and give thanks to the dads for what they contribute to your family and the raising of the kids.
My wife and I are not alone in raising our daughter. We rely on people formally like teachers, childcare providers, ballet instructors, and others, but we also rely on people informally. Many people help shape the world in which my daughter lives. I am genuinely thankful for the neighbors who treat her kindly in answering her never-ending questions. I am grateful for the store employees who engage with her and for the other parents who lend a helping hand. I am thankful for the big kids who step in, when needed, on the playground. As you interact with people who treat your children kindly, now is the time to say thank you.
For those in more formal roles, I prefer providing gifts, making treats, and giving my direct thanks at Thanksgiving, rather than associate the thank-you gift-giving with the winter holidays. I genuinely want those special people to know that I (and my wife and daughter) are grateful for all they do. Many people who work with children are not paid to take a concerted interest in her, in her learning, and her happiness. Too often, it is easy to assume that pay is a sufficient reward. As a parent, I think it is a good reminder that thanks can go a long way to make individuals feel appreciated. And, dads need to step forward in the giving of thanks, in whatever form, to those individuals, rather than allowing moms always to be the family ambassadors.
Researchers who study happiness have found that one way to increase your personal experience of happiness is to keep a gratitude journal. Every day, before you go to sleep, write down one thing for which you are grateful. Over time, this act of recalling at least one thing that day bolsters your feelings that things are positive.
I’ve been thinking that this might be an excellent way to build my kid’s feelings of happiness and resilience by having her say, before she goes to bed, one thing for which she is grateful. For older kids, you could have them keep a gratitude journal. Even better, you could both do it and share what you are thankful for every day.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.
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