This month, we celebrate a day devoted to love, Valentine’s Day. I enjoy the day’s pageantry, wearing red (as I make a point to do), eating chalky candy hearts, and savoring chocolate. The celebration is supposed to be focused on one’s romantic partner; however, like most parents, I buy something for my daughter. Although the sentiments and gift-giving focus on my wife, I continue to include my daughter. I’m in good company. A 2016 Today poll of 1500 people indicated that 85% of parents buy something for their children for Valentine’s Day (a substantial number also buy something for their pets).
Kids benefit from reminders of how they are loved and loved unconditionally. For kids, the Valentine item could be a card, some drug store candy, or a small item from a dollar store to convey the sentiment. The importance to me is what the small item communicates: I love you and think about you.
Psychologist Carl Rogers changed the therapy world by shifting the therapist and client relationship to one where the therapist treated the client with “unconditional positive regard.” He had written that caregivers’ unconditional positive regard helps build self-worth for children as they get older and allows them to reach their full potential. In the therapy, he said that the therapist becomes a source of unconditional positive regard that the client didn’t get as a child. As a dad, I think about conveying this notion of unconditional positive regard. I want my daughter to know that no matter what, I love her. I know of too many adults with fractured relationships with parents who never feel like they have measured up to whatever standards were conveyed by their parents or that their parents didn’t understand who they were. Instead, I think of fortifying my daughter’s growing self by assuring her that she is loved unconditionally. Don’t get me wrong–I am not one to look at paint splatters on the side of the recliner and praise her for her creative use of new media. Still, a Valentine’s Day gesture becomes a tangible token that says: no matter what, I love you.
Kids are socially astute and see all the hoopla around Valentine’s Day. Many teachers have now realized that exchanging valentines means kids providing them for everyone in the class, so no one is excluded. However, some schools allow students to buy and send flowers, donuts, or other treats to other students on this day. My daughter has recounted the anticipated excitement of receiving something special but then the disappointment of her fourth-grade classmates when they were not the recipient. This is why, at home, I think it’s especially important to recognize the day.
Valentine’s Day is also about recognizing your romantic partner. There are direct and indirect benefits of demonstrating to the kids how to treat partners in a caring, loving, and respectful manner. Although concentrated on Valentine’s Day, the acts should be in addition to the regular and consistent gestures of unconditional love from parents, especially from a father. They learn about relationships and build their skills for the future.
Now, get that box of chocolates for your partner and include extra ones for your kids. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.