After my daughter and son-in-law told me they were expecting their first child, I Googled “names for grandmother,” looking for inspiration on what I would want to be called by my soon-to-arrive granddaughter. I had friends who were “Mimi,” “Nanny,” a few went by Nana, and even one “Daisy.” But none of those sounded right to my ears. I wanted something a little more unique and personal.
Memaw? Umm, no.
Glamma? A big no.
Lola? Kind of cute.
At some point, I stumbled upon Ama, a name with Buddhist roots and also used in Iceland and China. That felt right from the beginning–I’d found my name! Luckily, it was acceptable to my daughter and son-in-law, and an Ama was born when my sweet granddaughter Nina came into the world three-and-a-half years ago.
Picking my grandmother name might seem inconsequential, but in reality, it was an indication of the care and attention I wanted to give to being a grandparent.
My mom was an outstanding grandmother and set the bar high. She gave my daughter a soft place to land, offering unconditional support, and was always her granddaughter’s biggest cheerleader. They were two peas in a pod, always coming up with fun outings and games. There were very few dance recitals, softball games, or school plays that Grammy didn’t attend, even if it meant taking a day off work. In my mother’s eyes, her granddaughter could do no wrong. I saw firsthand the importance of that deep love. It wasn’t the relationship I had with my grandmother who, while she cared about her grandchildren, was quite judgmental, harsh, and not affectionate. I don’t remember her saying “I ove you” or giving a heartfelt compliment. That my mother could offer a completely different style of grandparenting with no role model is a marvel.
And that’s exactly what I want to offer my grandchildren–unconditional love and a soft place to land.
But like any other role, being a grandparent can be confusing as you navigate and build relationships with your grandchildren and their parents.
While I’ve learned a few things over the past few years, I wanted to get some input from an expert on how to create a solid bond with both your grandchildren and their parents. I turned to Karen L. Rancourt, the voice behind the “Ask Dr. Gramma Karen” column that has run nationally for over twelve years. I recently chatted with her about modern grandparenting, and she offered some of her thoughts on the “rules” grandparents should consider including her essential rule.
THE ESSENTIAL RULE OF GRANDPARENTING
Karen’s number one piece of advice? “Zip it!” According to Karen, grandparents need to remember that they are no longer in the driver’s seat. You are a passenger ‘riding along’ at the pleasure of the parents. When you were raising your children, you made the rules. Karen says: “Now your job is to enforce the rules set down by your grown children regarding your grandchildren, whether you agree with them or not. To use a common idiom, “There’s a new sheriff in town,” and it isn’t you.”
This can be tough to follow because, yes, you have lots of experience, and yes, you have what many would consider wisdom. But until you are invited to share your experience and wisdom, keep it to yourself. The only time to jump in uninvited is when a grandchild’s health, safety, and well-being are at risk, a very rare occurrence.
Karen advises waiting until you are specifically asked for your opinion: “What do you think about …?” or “How did you handle …?” So, unless a clear invitation is extended, fight the temptation to jump in and bite your tongue.
I would add that when asked for advice, be kind. If parents do want input, offer your alternative in a way that doesn’t put their initial choice down. They’re learning as they go, just like you did, and when a new parent is confronted with something that isn’t working, they can easily get frustrated. They don’t need correction that can come off as condescending. “Maybe you could try . . .” works well.
FRICTION BETWEEN PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS
According to Karen, the major causes of friction between parents and grandparents typically fit into one of five main categories: Involvement and boundaries; Communication; Assumptions and expectations; Power and control; Values, beliefs, and principles.
It’s vital for parents and grandparents to discuss the amount of involvement each finds appropriate. And, while parents make the final rules, it’s important for grandparents to be clear on their participation and not feel compelled to offer services or support they aren’t equipped or willing to offer. This tends to crop up around childcare most often. Some grandparents are eager to act as regular caregivers–whether full-time in place of daycare or on a regular part-time basis. Other grandparents see this as an intrusion that doesn’t work for them. Whatever your choice, make sure you’ve communicated your boundaries so that the parents understand what you are willing to do. This is one area where communication and assumptions play a vital role.
Too often communication missteps result because the communication is ineffective, lacking, inaccurate, inappropriate, or insensitive. Good communication is skills-based and can be learned.
Much of the underlying stress that exists in parent-grandparent relationships arise because the parties involved have made erroneous assumptions, or they have set their hearts on certain things happening based on misinformation or misunderstandings, or their need to be right takes precedence.
The shift from a win-lose model to collaboration and cooperation can be difficult. Conflicts between parents and grandparents can develop when one of the parties “has to win” regarding some situation or issue involving the grandchildren. Often people do not realize they are caught up in various kinds of relationship competitions, with grandparents trying to be victorious in various outcomes.
When conflicting values and beliefs are the root cause of family problems, the challenge becomes one of moving from a right-wrong mode of thinking to setting a new goal. This can be the toughest issue to navigate. According to Karen, “What used to be heated, yet friendly, ‘dinner table discussions’ between the generations, have evolved, in many instances, into angry discussions, often fracturing or ending relationships.
To make a shift, family members must “first acknowledge their differences in values and beliefs, then appreciate that these differences can be personal and inflexible, and finally, to focus on ways to prevent those differences from becoming permanent and detrimental wedges in the relationships. “
SUCH A BLESSING
I feel blessed to have a daughter and son-in-law who welcome me as an important and ongoing presence in my grandchildren’s lives. I’m sure I’ve broken Karen’s rules more than once, but I consciously try to communicate. I’m also grateful that my grandchildren’s parents excel at their new roles. Watching them be so involved and caring is a profound pleasure.
I know not all grandparents are so lucky and are either peripheral in their grandchildren’s lives or have conflicts with the parents. It’s a relationship that requires work, and as the norms change, it can be confusing. I hope these tips from Karen can help those grandparents navigate to a better place and reinforce what’s working.
Being a grandparent has truly been the greatest joy of my life. Your love for your child is multiplied because now you have a little being to love who is a part of your child but with their own distinct personality. There is nothing better!
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D., is also an author. Her most recent book is, It’s All About Relationships: New Ways to Make Them Healthy and Fulfilling, at Home and Work.
Andrea Breznay is the Publisher of Monterey Bay Parent and a happily involved grandmother to a 3-month-old and 3-year-old.